Spiritual Reckoning

I've been thinking about religion quite a bit lately. This is something that hasn't really been on my mind actively for about 14 years. It started again with Marty. You can see my post about his reunion and religion. Well, since then I've read two Catholic books and ordered some other books on Christianity.
Though my faith might have waned to some degree, I have always believed in God and feel that despite my pagan state, He's taken care of me. I figured if He wanted to get in touch with me again and speak to my heart, He would when it was the right time. Perhaps it's now.
But let's get some background. My first religious experience that I remember was around 2nd grade. I was not raised in the church. I vaguely remember going with my aunt when I was little, but never my parents. I used to go to vacation Bible school in Canyon. But in 2nd grade I was invited to go to San Jacinto Baptist church with the promise of skating parties, ice cream socials etc. Of course I wanted to go! And I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me into salvation. I was told all about hell and what a horrible place it was and how I was going to go there unless I was saved. And all I had to do was to say a prayer and ask Jesus in my heart and I would be saved. Simple as that. Nothing to it. So one Sunday I went up to the front of the church with all the other people that wanted to be saved and knelt on the steps and waited for someone to come talk to me. And nobody came to talk to me. I was scared and felt like everyone was staring at me. Finally after what seemed like forever, a grown-up came to talk to me and took me out to another room. He asked me the typical questions like did I believe that Jesus was the Son of God. Did I want to be saved etc... and I said the prayer and got Baptized the same day. I went to Sunday school and learned the books of the Bible and stories about Jesus. It was grand. And best of all were the skating and ice cream parties. What fun! I went to church there for about 3 years I think. After that, we moved to the middle of nowhere and I didn't go to church for a while. I remember that after I was Baptized, my aunt, who was Episcopalian, said that I could participate in the Lord's supper at her church from then on. So I got a taste of the Episcopal church for several years off and on when I would visit her. I went again when I was a freshman in high school. I went with some friends to Paramount Baptist church. Again, I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me and I thought that before I might not have been really saved before and so I did it again. But that was a one time thing really. I only went to church a couple of times after that. Then I started going to church with Bret. (the one that I was in love with from about 9th-11th grade) His dad was a preacher at (you guessed it) a Baptist church in Amarillo. They would pick me up from my house in the middle of nowhere and take me to church every Sunday. I didn't go through a salvation process at this time. I remember that I barely listened to the sermons and faked the singing. God wasn't really speaking to me. And then finally I was in college. And I still hung around Bret, who by that time was a preacher in his own church. (Once again Baptist) And during my sophomore year, he and another guy from band (who was "born again" the year before) had a party. It wasn't your typical college party. This one involved a sermon more or less. And once again I was "saved". This time was weird though. During the time when everyone's heads are bowed and they're telling you about your need to accept Christ I started shaking. I couldn't stop. I wasn't cold and yet I could not stop shaking. I took it as a sign and I felt that this time I would really be "saved." So I talked about it and once again said the prayer etc... blah, blah, blah. I was Baptized for the second time. But this time I did get involved with the church. I started going to Bible studies. I went to church religiously (pun intended). And I earnestly tried to learn about living a Christian life. That's when it started to get difficult. The more I understood about living a Christian life, the harder it became. And then I was very, very bad. I got pregnant. And boy did I feel judged. And I know I was. But I still went to church for a while. Then all of a sudden, Kevin (the convert that was part of the party that "helped" me) got up one Sunday and told the church that he discovered recently that he had not really been saved. And that he just recently totally committed himself to Christ. So I began to question my salvation once again and thought, how does one ever really know? And I started seeing a lot of hypocrisy in the people of the church. And I felt judged. And I guess I preferred being the sinner that I was rather than trying to live a life that I didn't feel I could live. So I stopped going.
So since then I've continued to pray from time to time. I've continued to believe in God. I started to think that I didn't need religion to be spiritual. I wondered why we had so many different kinds of religions and how would you know which one was right. And if they were all right in their own way. I also felt that if I were going to get involved with a church again that God would speak to me and I'd be guided by the Holy Spirit.
So now I've got an interest in it. And I'm trying to understand the different parts of Christianity. What it's all about really. And what the difference between the protestant denominations are. And what Catholicism is. And so far it's been interesting. And a little frightening.
I'm starting to think that maybe I am going to be called to get involved in church again. And perhaps even become Catholic. And what scares me is once again living that Christian life that I found so difficult before. I worry that in doing so, I'll lose part of my identity. That I have to give up part of me to be a part of Christ. That I have to really change. Not that change is bad, but I kind of like who I am at this point. And knowing me the way I do, if I do decide to jump into it all again, I'll go at it full force. With all my heart. And maybe that would allow me to be able to deal with it better. But at this point I'm still just seeking knowledge.
So those things have been on my mind lately. I was thinking about it in the car today on my way home from my dance workout class. And all of a sudden I saw a rainbow. A perfect rainbow. Every single color distinguished and vibrant. In a perfect arch. A spectacular, beautiful sight.
Do I take that as a sign?

Can Romance be Learned?

That's a valid question I think. Is it possible for a non-romantic person to become romantic? Or is romance just a trait that some people have and others don't? I was born with a romance gene. It is innate in my character. I'm a true blue romantic. I don't care for total sappiness, but a little romance here and there is necessary for me. I'm the type of person that does romantic gestures because I genuinely love someone and want to make them happy, put a smile on their face, make them feel special, and make them feel loved. I also hope that sometimes my partner takes it as a cue to reciprocrate once in a while. It doesn't necessarily need to be an equal amount. I understand that men in general don't have the romance gene. Most don't understand romance. There are a few exceptions, but it's not quite the norm. I've experienced a variety of romance during my dating tenure. There was the guy that I met via the personals that sent me roses before I even met him. Of course this is the same guy that ended up dumping me by just not calling for two months. I've received my share of flowers throughout the years. But it's rare that they ever come as a surprise. And men don't get that. They shouldn't be sent only when they're in the doghouse. I prefer the out of the blue, just becuase they were thinking of me reason. And romance isn't all about sending flowers and buying gifts. Sometimes it's the simplest of things. A note, a card, a special way of saying "I love you." It can even be as simple as doing the dishes without asking. It's really anything that goes a little above the same old stuff and is done just because you realize that your partner would appreciate it, be surprised by it, love it, and realize how special they are to you. But it does take effort. I think it's a matter of prioritizing and keeping your partner in the forefront of your thoughts. Yes, life happens and it's sometimes hard to remember, but there should be times every now then where you think "What can I do to make my partner feel special today?" Maybe it's because they're blue or maybe it's just because you love them so very much. Romance and dating isn't something that should happen just before marriage and shouldn't stop the moment you say "I do." But it does need to happen. At least for me it does.
Is it something that can be learned? I hope so.

Participation Positives

Found this on this site.
participation positives... a way to start monday
The idea is to write down positives to start the week on a good note. So here goes:

I'm in love. Have a wonderful boyfriend.
I actually slept through the night last night and got to sleep in this morning.
Got a call from one of the elementaries of an account I needed to renew and got it taken care of.
Went to my dance workout and got through it again.
Am reading another book on Catholicism and enjoying it.
Got two more books on religion that I ordered in the mail today.
It's less than three weeks until I fly to Connecticut.
Pam is taking me out for drinks this weekend because she got her rebate check in the mail.

Weekly Bit

Here's the link if you want to do this meme.

A Bit About 'First Times & First Loves'...for the week of September 26.2004

1. Describe your first kiss. It was nice. It was with M.S. in front of the house I'm living in now actually. (It was my aunt's house at the time) He had just walked me back home after going to a special concert featuring the WT symphonic band. We were in 8th grade and I thought I was the last girl to be kissed. The kiss itself was pretty good I guess. It wasn't sloppy and it did include tongue. Made me think that kissing was definitely o.k.
2. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? M.S. officially. I had another bf in 2nd grade, but I don't think that counts.
3. When was your heart first broken? Gee, that's tough. I thought for the longest time that B.C. broke my heart, but that's just because I was in love with him and he didn't feel the same way. First time I guess would be Tony in college. He broke up with me and I wasn't sure why. It hurt at the time. And since then my heart has been broken numerous times. And I know I've broken a few hearts.
4. When was the first time you fell in love? I thought I was in love with B.C. in 8th grade, but I think my first love was Tony in college.
5. What was your first real date like? I don't think I remember my first real date. What constitutes a real date anyways? It could have been in 9th grade when I went to the movies with Bret. It could have been in 8th grade when I went to a church thing with M.S. It might have been in college when I dated David. The first time a guy actually ever called me up and asked me out was when Marty asked me to homecoming my senior year... the night before.

an extra bit...write about this quote..."For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." -Judy Garland

That's exactly how Marty affected me and why I fell for him. Though it came almost out of the blue, it was my heart and soul that was touched. Not just a good "feeling" but the "knowing" that it was just right. And I couldn't help it. I fell very hard and he caught me. And I'm not going to let go.

How Much am I Worth?

You are worth exactly: $1,813,658.00.

Average value for a female is $1,637,901.00

Well, at least I'm above average.

Here's the link if you want to find out how much you're worth.

Sunday Brunch

Flowers
"Arranging a bowl of flowers in the morning can give a sense of quiet in a crowded day - like writing a poem, or saying a prayer." -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

1) If you had a wedding, what flowers did you have at your wedding? I did all my own flowers at the wedding. (Hobby Lobby had them 50% off). My bouquet was white poinsettias with a mix of blue roses and other white flowers. Was very pretty if I say so myself.
2) What is your favorite flower? I like roses because they smell wonderful. But I also like a mixed boquet of different flowers and colors from time to time.
3) Do you have flowers as part of your landscaping outside or your interior decor? Not really. I'd like to plant flowers some time, but I never seem to be able to find it. Hopefully next spring I plan to clear out this space next to my driveway and another in front of the house where my aunt used to have flowers planted (when she lived here) and I'm going to try my green thumb again. Inside, I don't have much except for a wall hanging thing my aunt made for me and a display in the living room. Sometimes when I'm at Walmart, I buy myself a bouquet just because.
4) If you went to your high school prom(s), what kind of flower did you wear in your corsage or boutonniere? My date (the one that dumped me the day after... no, I'm not still bitter..) gave me an orchid to wear at my prom.
5) Do you like to receive flowers as a gift or do you think it is a waste of money? I love to receive flowers. Especially if it's a surprise and it's not because my significant other is in the doghouse. It's nice to get them just because or to be cheered up. I don't think it's a waste of money if it comes from the heart and not from guilt. By the way... Marty has yet to send me flowers. Hmmmmm.

New State Mottos

I stole this, but thought it was very funny.

So, where are you from?
According to Area 51, here are the new USA state mottos:

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our taxes are less Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: UFO Spotting For 50 years
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared

Second Guessing

In response to my journal about irrational fears:

At 11:37 PM, Anonymous said...
Hmmm... I swing back and forth between agreeing that our fears are irrational and we should become stronger in oursrelves and blah, blah...
And thinking that the fears come from some place of truth that we don't or can't admit to.
Let me know if you find the answer, will ya?
Diana
Seeking Clarity

At 9:09 AM, summer said...
Hmmmm. Your post sounds like a letter to Ann Landers and you know what she would say. I want to ask you how old his children are and if he has "legal" visitation times and has he said no to her before and has she kept the children from him because of it? I don't think your fear is irrational. It's well founded and not because of your past relationships, but because he continues his relationship with his ex wife. Socializing with her just seems way over the top to me.

I wonder if perhaps my fears aren't completely irrational after all. Part of me has always thought of myself as very intuitive person and very accurate in my feelings. I know that in the past that when I've felt as though something was "off" I've usually been right on. Sometimes I don't always find out that I'm correct right away, but in general I have to say that in some ways I always know that something isn't quite right.
Maybe it's just the distance thing. Since I'm not there seeing exactly what's going on. Problem is that I have a very active imagination. And it's not that I imagine the very worst. But I see Marty and his ex together with his girls in my mind and it's like they're still a family and that's bothersome. I know his ex already has another boyfriend and Marty has me, but it doesn't make me feel more at ease. Maybe when Marty can transfer and be away from her, things will change and I'll feel more comfortable about it. Problem is that thinking that something will change something else isn't always the best thing. I thought if I married Richard that I will feel more confident about him. It didn't work.
But don't get me wrong in all of this. I'm not really second guessing my relationship with Marty. I still want to be with him very much. I do feel that he loves me very much and I love him with all my heart. I guess I just realize that perhaps it's not all completely in my head. Maybe there's a reason for my uneasiness. Maybe it's really nothing. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe not.
But what can I do? Nothing. I'm not going to make demands on Marty. It's not my place. If we were married, I might lay down some ground rules, but we're not. Marty knows about my feelings. I've told him and he reads my journal occasionally. He's started to make an effort to not do as much with her. It's up to him what he's going to do about it. I can't make him feel differently about her. It's admirable that he's not bitter towards her. And a little unsettling.
So it's out there and the ball is in his court. If my fears become more founded, I'll deal with it as necessary. For now I'm going to try to let it go. My feelings about it haven't dissappeared, mind you. I just need to put them on the shelf for now.

I'm getting good

Ok, now I've added interesting websites to my page. I'll add more as I find them.
The Found Magazine is truly an interesting site. Check it out if you have some time.

Check out the new blog links

Thanks to Patrick, I'm able to post new links on my page to other blogs that I read. I've added a few and if you get a chance, check them out.