Sometimes it's good to receive

Don't get me wrong. In general I'm a very giving person and I love to give to others... but sometimes it's really great to get stuff... especially when it's good stuff and it's unexpected. I came home from Hereford today and in the mail I received a gift certificate to Chili's for $25 and a Body Elegance spa certificate for $75. These were thank-you gifts from the Class of 88. It was such a nice surprise today. I'm not sure how to say thank you to everybody but perhaps I can send an email or post it on the forum. I'm not sure how or when I'll use the spa certificate, but it's nice to have. I may hold on to it until I get totally stressed this year and use it then. The only ever "real" (professional) massage I had I didn't enjoy much... but I guess I could give it another chance. But I also could just do a facial and pedicure etc.
Well, I got bad news about my schedule for next year. I'm headed for potential total insanity as I will have to teach 4 different classes. (Debate, Oral Interp, 2 Comm. App., and 2 Yearbook), be the UIL coordinator, Department head for Theatre/Speech, and still do speech team stuff... ON TOP OF starting grad school. Yes, I know I'm crazy, but I'll manage somehow. That's why I'm going to at least try to start the year with a clean house... it will make things easier for at least a little while. I understood my principal's reasoning and I think he'll be supportive if I get too stressed. I did ask if we can make certain that I do not have more students than computers so that I could actively use Moodle this year and he did assure me of that saying that either the classes will be small enough or I would get more computers.
Andrew commented about my garage cleaning being a legend in my blog... I had to laugh at that. I know that Summer always gets a kick when I mention it. It's going slowly... but going. I'm not deep cleaning (meaning sorting through everything on the shelves), but at least going to get the general mess on the one side cleaned up with a clean laundry area. It shouldn't take me much longer to get it done.. but I won't have a lot of time this week.
Andrew also mentioned Marty so I guess I should give an update of sorts in that regard. Things are going fine there... nothing significant to report. We talk almost daily online and he's called a couple of times. He just called today as a matter of fact while he was bored at work. It put a smile on my face because I think it indicates that he's still interested. There's other little signs here and there as we talk and flirt a bit. I'm not pushing anything but will let him take the time he needs to figure things out. I hope that he figures out that I'm the one, but if not, it will be o.k. I still have feelings for him and he knows I'm interested, but am trying to keep myself in check so that I don't start pushing or get in over my head emotionally. But I think about him a lot still and am really glad that we're communicating again.
In other news, I've sold two rosaries online in the past week. That is great timing as I need the money at the moment. I'm not totally broke, but it's getting tight right now after spending money on Josh's school clothes. I'll get more money next week after my workshop which will help. Then I can buy Josh's shoes and some shorts. I might even buy myself something.
Well, that's all the excitement here today. Tonight was a simple dinner of chicken nuggets and loaded mashed potatoes. Now I'm going to take it easy for a little bit and then hit the garage again.

Thoughts on Marriage

**Warning** This will be a long post so bear with me.

So Marty and I had a lengthy conversation this weekend. We chatted online and got into a few "deep" subjects and something about the conversation grabbed on to me today. He told me first about the advice he gave his sister in regards to dating divorced men. He said, "You might have to wait awhile for them to let you in, cause if they are a good man and they were hurt once in a long term relationship they might be scared to get back into another because it scares the shit out of them to think that it could happen to them again. Men try to hide their emotions but a lot of them are worse then women." I thought that bit of information was good to know. As we continued to talk about marriage he indicated that the thought of it scares him to some degree. He said, "I'm not afraid of marriage, just afraid to get into another one that is going to fail, and I know there is no way to know what will happen in 10, 20,30 or 50 years in the future and the scares the hell out of me. I want to know the future."
I responded with "You can't (know the future)... but if you have faith in God and you have a marriage blessed by God... you've met half the battle... marriage takes a lot of work... and too many people give up too easily... but if you go into your next marriage the right way then you stand a good chance of it working."
So now, how do you go about it the right way? Are there things you can know before you take the leap to determine whether or not it's going to fail? There are a million books out there that you can read about how to find the right mate, how to stay married, how to do this or that.... but I think ultimately it boils down to just plain common sense and really being discerning before you jump into marriage. There's a lot of statistics out there as to the causes of divorce, but I think ultimately it is because too many people 1. Marry too soon 2. Marry the wrong person or 3. Marry for the wrong reason. So how do you know if you're ready, if it's the right person and if you're doing it for the right reasons? As I thought about this, I made a list of questions that I think you should ask yourself (about yourself and your partner) first. If you answer them honestly, I think they can give you an indication as to whether or you're ready to commit to marriage and that person. Although it is a somewhat exhaustive list, it is certainly not complete. Not every answer has a definite right or wrong way to answer but you should consider the significance of the issues before you make any major decisions.

Do you love them for who they are and not for what they can do for you?
Do they love you for who you are and not what you do for them? (Not just a means to an end)

Can you see yourself growing old with this person?
Can you see yourself having fun with them for many years?
Do like being around this person the majority of the time?
Do you like their company?

Do you get along with their family?
Do they get along with yours?
Do the families approve of your choice?
Is their family supportive of you?
Are you willing to spend time with their family?
Are they willing to spend time with your family?

Can you talk openly with this person? Do you hold anything back? If so, why?
Are you both willing to openly communicate with each other?
Can you express your love easily towards them?
Do you feel loved by them?

Do you have things in common with the person?
Do you have your own interests you can pursue?
Are they open to letting you pursue your interests?
Are you open to letting them pursue their interests?
Do you have interests that you can pursue together?
Can you travel together?

Are you willing to make time for this person?
Are they willing to make time for you?
Will you make this person a priority?
Are you a priority for them?
Do your priorities in life mesh?

Do they make you smile when you think about them?

Are you morals and values similar?
Do you have several shared values?
Do you both generally want the same things in the future? (Living space, location, family, religion, money, etc.)

Do you respect this person?
Do they respect you?

Is there anything about them that bothers you? If so, is it significant enough that it cannot be overlooked?
Do you have any resentment toward the person?
Do they have any resentment toward you?
Can you forgive them for their weaknesses?
Do you love them in spite of any faults they may have?

Do you trust them?
Do they trust you?
Can you be honest with them?
Are they honest with you?

Do you fight? Often?
If you fight, what do you fight about? Are they major issues that could be detrimental to a marriage?
Are you able to resolve conflicts when they occur?
Do you disagree on several issues?
Are you and the other person willing and able to resolve conflicts when they arise?

Are you willing to sacrifice for the other person?
Are they willing to sacrifice for you?
Do you want to make them happy?
Do they make you happy?

Would you fight to keep this person in your life?
Would you still love the person if they changed physically?

Do you or your partner have any significant problems that would cause problems in the marriage? (addictions, emotional, psychological problems, etc.)
Do you or your partner have any indications of physical, sexual or emotional abuse?

Can you agree on finances and how money should be spent in your marriage?
Are you willing to provide for the other person? (financially, emotionally, etc.)
Are they willing to provide for you?
Can you accept and work around the other person’s choice of career?
Can they accept and work around your choice of career?

Do you have the same desire for having a family?
If you already have children, do they like this person?
If they have children, do their children like you?

Are both willing to put God at the center of the marriage?

Is your intent to marriage truly for better or worse, richer for poorer, forsaking all others, until death parts you?

Why do you want to marry them? What do you expect to gain by marrying them?

Of course, there's no sure fire guarantee that even if you ask all these questions and have what you think are all the right answers that you will never get divorced. Circumstances change, people change and sometimes there's just no other option. Sometimes it's that Jekyll and Hyde thing where you think you know someone and they turn out to be very different than you thought. I don't necessarily condone divorce and really think it should be avoided if possible, but there are situations where it is ultimately necessary. But I still think there would be less divorce if people went into marriage the right way with the right person and with the right attitude in the first place.

So that's my list. What are you thoughts? Are there questions that you would add? Are there some that you felt shouldn't be asked? If you've been married and divorced, what were the issues in your marriage (if you're willing to share)? If you're married, are you happily married? If so, what advice would you give to other couples?

A Great Day

I couldn't have asked for more. I know some of you are dying for details so here goes. Marty got here about 1:00. I took him to the museum since he hadn't been there since high school. We spent about an hour and a half there. We held hands and touched as we went through the exhibits. He was hungry afterwards so we went to Feldman's to eat. We were there 10 minutes before anyone came to wait on us. I have never received that kind of service there so hopefully it was a fluke. Marty had the chicken fried steak and I had an oriental salad that came with way too much dressing. From there we went to the park and walked around the pond a few times and just visited. After than I took him to my church so he could see the new building. We went in and walked around and I pointed out things to him. I told him he could go to confession if he wanted, but he declined. After that we went to Sonic to get drinks and then we talked about where we were. He said that he still had feelings for me but he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship again. I got more of the whys behind our breakup from him which I understood. I told him that things will work out the way they're supposed to happen and that I just wanted our friendship back and to communicate again. He also said that I sounded like his mother and that she thought that we should get back together. After that we came back to the house because he was tired and wanted to take a nap. Well, I can't say that he took a nap. We cuddled and kissed instead. I really missed that. I have to say it was very, very hard to not go further and Marty didn't play nice. But being the good Catholic girl that I am we didn't venture into that territory... at least not too far.
Then we went to the movies and saw Hancock. It was a good movie and we held hands throughout the movie. After that we went to Johnny Carinos and had dinner. We just got back about 30 minutes ago and he just left about 15 minutes ago. I kissed him good-bye and hugged and told him to call once in a while and when he's online to say "hi". So that's where it is. We're not back together but I'm hopefully and cautiously optimistic. I still care about him. The feelings are still there on both our parts, we just have to take it one step at a time. If it works out for us, that would be great, but if not, I can deal with that as well. I had a great day with him. I have missed the laughing and just his friendship. Certainly the holding hands and kissing is wonderful as well, but I just miss him. Today it was like we had never been apart and stepped right into where we had once been. We talked about the issues we had last time - both us getting right out of our marriages and the distance issues among other things. I told him that I don't regret the time with him, but it wasn't necessarily great timing for us - even though some great things came out of it. We talked about Church and he's not ready to really go there yet, but he is giving it thought. He knows that for me it will be a big part of me and it is something he has to accept and respect which he does. I'm in a better place now and if it's meant to be it will happen. Could I get hurt again? Sure - but I've decided sometimes it's worth the risk.

About Marty

Here's a very brief scoop on Marty. He was a boyfriend I had in high school that asked me homecoming the night before and then we dated for a couple of months. We briefly hooked up again (meaning we spent time making out/kissing) my freshman year in college. He then left to join the coast guard and I didn't hear from him for a long time. He called me about 8 years after that and just chatted. Then he found me again on classmates.com in 2004 when I was going through a divorce and he had just gotten divorced. Despite it being a long distance relationship, we dated again for about 9 months. I fell very much in love with him, but things just didn't work out. He didn't know what he wanted and I had some clingy/emotional issues that didn't bode well for him so we broke up in April 2005. Since then we've intermittently talked (about every few months or so) until recently. Now things are up in the air again because I still have feelings for him (guardingly cautious) and he said he had feelings for me. But I don't know where that leaves us if anywhere. If you want to read all the scoop, click on the label below "Marty" and it will take to you about 128 posts about him.
He's on his way from Hereford (believe it or not) so we'll see what happens today. No hopes or expectations. I'd just like a pleasant day.
Actually...I found the best recap if you click here.

10 Lb Mark

Well, I think I've officially lost 10 pounds. I know it's not much and it took forever to lose, but I'm happy with that amount for now. I'd like to lose more but I need more motivation. Today was an uneventful day. I did some laundry, a little cleaning, and went to the store. I also took my car to the car wash and vacuumed it out. I got a new phone and answering machine. Mine has been dying and you can't see the caller id numbers. I thought it might be the battery, but by the time I bought two new batteries, it was almost the cost of a new phone.
As far as I know, I'll see Marty tomorrow. I won't hold my breath, however. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if something came up or something happens or if he just changes his mind. There may be some feelings there, but I'm not certain that anything has really changed. Call me pessimistic, skeptical or whatever, but I think it would be foolish to make any kind of assumptions on my part. I hope that I can spend the afternoon with him and talk to him and see what's going on, but he's had several days away which means he could have shut down in that time. So who knows what will happen. I'll give you a full report afterwards - if we should actually meet.
Well, I finally got to watch a double episode of Monk that I missed last year. The new season starts this Friday.
Well, not much more to report. We'll just wait and see what happens tomorrow.

It's Finished!

Pictured: William Asquith (my prom date), Kirsten Nelson (my best friend), Marty (My homecoming date), Me, Blaine Hufnagle, Brent Wilson, John Brewer. We were all in band together.
I had an amazing time at the reunion. I have to say it's probably one of the best times I've had. It was a huge success and I was on cloud nine most of the evening. It was a bit ironic really... Marty and another h.s. friend came over after the tour of the new high school to change for the banquet. After we were all ready to go I noted that I was going to be going to my 20 year high school reunion banquet with my homecoming date (Marty) and my prom date (William). We left around 4:45 so we could get there early to set up the computer equipment. I had a moment of panic when I couldn't find my Mac adapter. I was going to send the guys to best buy to get another one, but told them to check the other computer bag first. Thankfully it was in there. Then I couldn't figure out why the DVD wouldn't start at the beginning. I finally solved that problem. We seemed to get a late start on the banquet and the group picture took a while because nobody would listen. Then the food wasn't ready until 7:15. I went through the line first since I had to get the computer stuff ready.

We started the door prizes, elementary picture reveal and such around 8:00. I think the video was a success. The last song on it was "Friends are Friends Forever" by Michael W. Smith which seems to always make people cry... I didn't notice so much as we pushed ahead with the awards. I didn't win most eligible bachelorette, but I was an honorable mention. The dance didn't start until close to 10:00 and we originally intended to start it around 8:30. Oh well. I had a blast dancing and worked up a good sweat. Marty was supposed to be in charge of my alcohol intake, but I think he wanted me to get a little drunk. I didn't get plastered, but I did get a bit tipsy with four rum and cokes (spaced throughout several hours... but the last two were really strong).

My friend Kirsten asked if Marty and I were dating again. This is because we were being close and touchy (rubbing backs, standing close, whispering etc.). Marty said "No" but then I piped up saying that even though we weren't, he still had a crush on me. He then came back with "I can neither confirm nor deny that." His actions, however, were a bit more obvious. He didn't want to dance really, but I did get him out on the dance floor during "Shout". We stayed together pretty much all night and I'm sure there was quite a bit of whispering going on about it. The last song of the evening was a slow dance and we did dance to that. I have to say that I rather enjoyed that. Afterwards, Marty brought his truck around to the door by the banquet room and helped take all the stuff out there. We said a lot of good-byes to everyone. I got a lot of hugs and many more thank-yous from all sorts of people telling me that they appreciated all the work I did. I tried to remain humble about it and I hope I was successful. It did feel really good though. I can't tell you how exhausted I was once we finally got into his truck. He held my hand on the way back to Canyon and it wasn't that tingly, excited feeling that I would normally get, but it was a comfortable, right kind of feeling. It's like putting on that cozy pair of slippers that just makes you go ahhhhh.
We got home and took all the stuff into the house and then I went out to the truck to say good-bye as he still had to drive to Hereford to his brother's house. We hugged and he gave some kisses on my head. He then said, "You're right. I do still have feelings for you." I told him that it was o.k. and that I'm not in any rush and that if something happens, that's fine and if not, that's o.k. too. More hugs followed and a little more talk. I told him that I hadn't had a date in three years and he asked if I was waiting for some "asshole" to come around. I told him.. "could be." We had a brief kiss and then he made go in and told me to go to bed. He headed to Albuquerque today and is supposed to come back on Thursday. I may see him on Friday for lunch or dinner before he heads up to Connecticut to see his daughters.
So where is my head in all of this? I felt really, really happy after the evening and went to bed smiling. I saw my friend Carol at Church this morning and she said that I was glowing. Do I think we're going to get back together? I don't know. I have no expectations. What I would like is for us to open up some communication channels and just start talking again. I'd like to get back into the friendship we had before - unclouded by sex. I miss having him as a friend. We've stayed on friendly terms but it has always seemed to be stifled. I think we've both tip-toed around each other in fear of opening up a can of worms. I think he worries that I would get clingy and over-emotional if he showed interest. I worry that he thinks that I would be like that.
I don't know where we are headed - if anywhere. But regardless, everything will turn out like it is supposed to. He may still have feelings but he has a lot to consider because I'm not the same person that I was when we got together in 2004. I think ultimately that is a good thing, but in his eyes it may not be. And that's o.k. I am happy with who I am. Do I still have feelings for him? Certainly. There's always been something there even when I stopped being "in love" with him.
All I know is that regardless of whether I see him on Friday or not - if we start communicating again or not - if he goes back to Key West and returns to the state of only contacting me every 6 months or so - I will still be satisfied with the moment we had at the reunion. I don't know if it would be a mistake to pursue anything but I'm just going to go with what feels right and hope that after 38 years I start listening accurately to both my heart and head and make the right decisions. I think I'm at least on the right track.
Those of you that have been on the journey of Marty and me since the beginning may have some input and I welcome it all regardless of whether you're happy about the recent events or not.
Well, the sleeping pill that I took about an hour ago is finally taking its toll. I really need a good night's sleep that I haven't had in what seems like forever. Thanks for being my sounding board. I needed to get all this out in writing.

Bet you thought you wouldn't hear from me...

At least until sometime tomorrow. The reunion is going on. I should be taking a nap right now as I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night. No reason other than reunion stuff going through my head for several hours.
So here's a brief recap for now:
Many people have come up to me and said "thank you" for all the work I've done on the reunion. They seem to be very impressed with the website and the books. I've been very flattered by it all. And many of these are people that wouldn't have given me the time of day in high school.
Marty came in yesterday morning and picked me up and we went to the Donut Stop and got donuts. We then went to the registration table and shared the donuts and he got his shirt and stuff. We sat around there for a while visiting with people that came to register. Around 9:30 we left to go the parade waiting area. We visited with people that came to participate for an hour until it was time to do the parade. We walked the entire mile or so route throwing candy and waving and such.
Josh came and picked us up afterwards and took us back to the hotel to Marty's truck. Marty and I then headed to Amarillo to get an ink cartridge for my printer and then we ate lunch at Applebee's. (He paid)
We then went to Walmart to get a few more things and stopped by a liquor store to get some rum. Afterwards we came back here and just sat for a while in front of the t.v. and I think we both dozed with about a 20 minute cat nap. Shortly thereafter it was time to go set up for the mixer. We went there and Marty helped with the set up. A lot of people showed up and again thanked me for the all the work. We left at 9:00 and came over here to watch fireworks. A few friends from high school came over and we visited a while before the show started at 10:00.
Afterwards we visited more and I didn't go to bed until about 12:30 and I didn't fall asleep until about 3:30.
It's been interesting to have Marty here. I'd be lying if I said some feelings weren't going on. I don't think it is just on my part either. He's been a little flirtatious and touchy. Last night before he left we hugged and he gave me an awkward kiss on the forehead. I told him I had missed him and he said that he had missed me too. And then he left to go back to Hereford. We hung out together at the picnic today and will be going up to the banquet together tonight. That's all I'm going to say at this point and will update more later. How's that for a teaser?

Who is Marty?

I realize that I do have several new readers to my blog that probably haven't been through the Marty saga. I'll try to give you a fairly brief recap, but if you want the entire story you can read through the Marty blog entries. I went through today and labeled most of my posts dealing with him, but I have probably missed some here and there. To start at the beginning you'll have to scroll to the bottom and go to "older posts" and then go back through several pages as there's 127 posts and they only show 20 per page.

Here's the recap:

Marty was my high school boyfriend for a brief period of about a month. He asked me to homecoming the night before the event during my senior year. After high school we briefly hooked up again and had some make-out sessions. But soon after, I moved on to my college life and he joined the coast guard and left town. Over the next 14 years we were in touch a couple of times. In January of 2004, however, he contacted me through classmates.com. At that time I was separated from my husband and was filing for divorce. He had just been divorced for about 6 months. So since he was single and I was basically single, we started conversing quite a bit and struck up an interest in each other.

He came to visit me in February of 2004 and we had some fun together (if you know what I mean). He stayed a little over a week (I think) and then returned to Connecticut where he was stationed for the Coast Guard. I enjoyed the time with him, but I wasn't set on dating him at that point. I had some concerns and some other interests including a band director in Michigan. Eventually I decided to try to find a local love interest and ended up dating Patrick. He is the one that got me started with blogging. Patrick was a very nice guy but it never really clicked for me with him.

Marty came back to visit in July of 2004. At that time something happened. A spark so to speak and by the time he left I started to fall for him. He had started falling for me during his first visit, but I held out for a while. But when he had to leave to go back home, it hurt and I knew that was it for me. We decided to give a relationship a try despite my best efforts to fight it for a while. I let go of the other guys that I was seeing to some degree and focused on Marty.

It started out wonderfully. The long-distance sucked, but with IM and free long distance on my phone, we managed pretty well. Marty was back in August to visit his parents in Austin and I went down and stayed with him/them. That is when I started falling very hard and he did as well. That was our first "I love you's" He came back in September for a family reunion in Hereford and I spent that time with him and his family as well. That is when my interest in Catholicism was sparked. His entire family is Catholic and it got me curious about it.

I went to visit him in October and that's when things started to change. I noticed a difference in him up there but I tried to ignore my concerns. In the fall that year he found out that his job in Connecticut was being dissolved and he would have to transfer elsewhere. We got a very hopeful moment when there was an opening in Boise City, OK which is only three hours away from here. Unfortunately, that didn't pan out because he got a bad report from his chief that he didn't get along with. Ultimately he decided to go to isolated duty in Alaska for a year so that he wouldn't have to go to a boat. I didn't like that, but I tried to accept it. I figured that we could survive a year and that would mean that he could get his choice of locations when he got out.

Things just went downhill however. I don't have any explanations as to what changed in him, but something did. I never got any answers from him about it and that was probably the hardest thing to deal with. I knew something was wrong for a long time, but he would never open up and be honest with me about it. Eventually he flat out said (with much cajoling) that we were in different places and things had changed for him. This happened days before I was supposed to meet him in Austin for a final good-bye before he left for Alaska. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I had to accept it.

During the time he trained before his Alaska jaunt, I started going to the Catholic Church. I started changing and when I was hit with loss of the love of my life I decided that it wasn't God's will for us to be together at least at this time. I felt that Marty had served a purpose to help me find my faith and his job was done. I still hurt terribly, but I accepted it. I went to Austin anyway to have my bit of closure. Although technically I was going to officially break-up with him, it was really just me having to let go of him.

It was probably one of the most painful and most accepted break-ups I've ever been through. I had fallen very deeply. It hurt more to lose him than it did to lose my husband that I had been married to for five years. It took a great deal of time to get over him. We've stayed in touch to some degree, but I had to force myself to keep my distance for a long time because the pain was too much. I removed him from my IM list because I couldn't stand to see him online. I knew that I would be too tempted to maintain contact and I would end up being hurt because of it.

It helped that he was in Alaska and there was no way I could see him. During that year I heard from him a handful of times. When he got out he was stationed and still is in Key West, Florida. We're still on friendly terms and once in a while he'll pop up with a message or a phone call.

I finally got over him after about year. I have had moments where I still think about him and his name just flashes in my head every so often. I tend to push most thoughts out of my head. Sometimes it hurts. Mostly it's tiresome. I realize that perhaps we weren't really meant for each other.

I can't say that he simply broke my heart. I played a part in it with my insecurity. I had just come out of a marriage where my self-esteem had hit rock bottom and I had a hard time letting go of some bad habits. I am in a very different place now but unfortunately in life we don't get second chances. I don't know that I really want one with him because there are some issues with him that would be difficult to deal with. But at the same time, we had some magical moments and I had never felt more loved (if only briefly) in my life. I wonder if I will ever find that again.

So that's it. That's Marty. Hopefully that answers your question... and then some.

A surprise IM

Guess who I talked to tonight? You get just one guess. O.k. it was Marty. He sent me an IM out of the blue. Had a nice brief conversation. And that's it. Not much more to tell. He took a test for becoming a chief and he's thinking about going back to Alaska to avoid being on a boat. I had a kind of conflicting feeling chatting with him, but I'm not sure what to say about it. Maybe I'll write about it later.

Other than chatting with Marty, it's been an uneventful evening. After school I took Josh to my bank and opened up a checking and a savings account for him. We got some extra money this month. Josh left immediately afterwards as he had a theatre thing at the school. I picked up Thai take-out and have sat in my easy boy recliner for a while. It's bed time and I guess I better head that way so I won't be a zombie tomorrow.

Lenten Loophole

Last year for Lent I gave up cokes and fast food. I did o.k. with it, but there were times on speech trips where the only thing to eat was fast food. I didn't however make an exception for Sundays. In case you didn't know, Sundays are not part of the 40 days of Lent. Technically, when you give up something for Lent, you don't have to abstain during Sundays. Some people find it easier or more challenging to simply keep trucking on continue their track through every Sunday. This year, I am not going to be one of those people. I do feel kind of bad about giving in to myself, but I did make sure that I was correct on the issue of Sundays being a "Free Day" of sorts. I will still pray a rosary tonight since I am somewhat giving in here. With that said, here's the post I wrote last night in Word.

Not using the internet is so freaking hard. I know it’s been frustrating for my few faithful blog readers, but it’s pure torture for me. I’ve spent the day organizing and transferring music to my mp3 player. And when I say I’ve spent the day, I mean all day. There are so many times that I want to go online and check things out. For example, I have some songs listed that I don’t have the artist’s name. I so want to go and look that up. I really want to read blogs and catch up on everyone’s lives… and it’s only been one day! I did read blogs until I left school yesterday (Friday) afternoon.

I did sleep in today (Saturday)… all the way until 8:00. I was awake at 8:00 but didn’t get out of bed until some time after 9:00. I started creating some playlists on my mp3 player. I have a free trial subscription to the Rhapsody service so I can put all kinds of music on it for free… but the catch is that you can’t record the files to CD’s or anything and you have to keep the subscription going or the music will technically “expire.” But it’s a nice way to sample some cool music.

Now to answer the questions I received:

Leann – My plans for spring break are to sleep, clean the house, clean out the garage (again), sleep, read, watch t.v., and do laundry. Very exciting stuff.

I also think that the DaVinci Code is fiction because the Library of Congress labels it as such. I didn’t agree with the notions presented in the book, but I took it with a grain of salt and enjoyed the mystery of it.

Andrew - Josh’s dad. That’s a whole blog in itself. Josh’s dad was what I would call a kind of “player” back in the day. He was Hispanic, cute, and a talented trumpet player. He was suave and a flirt. He was also a bit pretentious (comes with being a trumpet player). He was smart, driven, and had a passion for music although he eventually became a Chiropractor. I think Josh gets his passion for music from the both of us. He could certainly charm the ladies and when he came into my life I was on the rebound from my first serious relationship. (Another long blog in that story as well.) He didn’t have much of a role in Josh’s life for a long time. He didn’t want me to have him. He wanted me to have an abortion. I wasn’t the first girl he got pregnant, but was the first to have his baby. For the first two year’s of Josh’s life, the only support I got from him was a package of diapers and a gallon of milk. When Josh was able to walk and talk he got more interested in him, but by that time he married the next woman that he got pregnant and had another daughter. I could go on, but there’s a lot of bad things that happened in regard to Josh’s father that I choose not to repeat in a public forum for Josh's sake. He made many mistakes that caused a lot of people and himself grief. Let’s just say that when I heard that he committed suicide, I wasn’t surprised. But I would also like to add that I’ve come to terms with forgiving him for his past actions.
Oh – and I will definitely not give up internet/computer again for Lent. I’m certainly suffering in my own way.

Abbagirl – My love life… oh, you and your sense of humor! I haven’t had a date in over two years now. I’m certainly not breaking any hearts, but that also means that my heart is not getting broken either. I’m not sure if you ever read about the whole Marty thing, but I haven’t even heard from him in almost two months. I guess when the time is right it will happen, but I’m not losing any sleep over my lack of a love life. I just tell myself that I’m too busy to date and I’m starting to really believe it. Really. (Though I admit, I wouldn’t mind going out to dinner with a member of the opposite sex that isn’t my son.)

Well, that’s all the excitement in my world. I have yet to lift a finger in getting things done around the house, but I figure I could ease into it.

A Non-romantic dinner for one

I don't know if Happy Valentine's Day is the right sentiment for everyone, but if it is, I hope yours is just grand. Mine has been uneventful and pretty much just another day. I did deliver flowers to Josh's girlfriend and she seemed to like them. I handed out about 10 detentions in class today to students that were missing assignments.

We did get the snow. I am still tired of it. It's not a lot, maybe 2 inches, but it's still annoying. I came home and went by the bank to get some temporary checks. I ran out of checks months ago and tried to get by without ordering more and have actually been pretty successful. But I'm discovering that there are still a few things here and there where I still need checks. I have to send in a check as a judge's bond for the state tournament. They hold it until I've met my entire judging obligation for the tournament. I really don't have to judge because I'm working in the tab room.

After the bank, I went to the grocery store (which is always packed when it snows) and picked up fixings for chili. It's the kind of night that calls for a bowl of chili (no beans) and rice. I think I'll put a log in the fireplace and curl up with a blanket and watch the Psych marathon that is on the Sci-Fi channel. I am finally learning that it's really quite o.k. to be alone. I have been over Marty for a long while. (Have you noticed I hardly ever mention him any more?) I'm learning that I really need to just deal with myself and my busy schedule and such before I give any more thought to relationships. There are those small things I miss, but right now, life is pretty good. (Knocking loudly on wood.)

So if you have someone special this Valentine's Day, I hope you have a wonderful evening together. If not, celebrate yourself instead.

Superbowl Sunday

I can't remember the last time I watched a Superbowl. I don't think I've ever actually sat down and watched an entire game. Once in a while the t.v. is just while the game is airing, but rarely do I take the time to actually watch it. Yeah, some of the commericals are funny, but many of them just seem crass these days. It seems advertisers mostly think that it's only sex that sells. It gets old really fast. I've never been invited to or had a superbowl party... not that I would go or have one, but an invitation might be nice. So I'm here, home alone, and actually have the game blaring in the background. Josh has been invited to a party by a student that is on my speech team. I'm not sure what is going on there, but I think it's at least some mild flirtation or something going on. She's a nice girl, so I'm not worried about it. He is driving to Hereford right now, however and I still worry about him driving by himself. It's just a parent thing, I guess.

The tournament on Friday and Saturday went pretty well. It was a large tournament with some tough competition. One of my students finally got the last point he needed to qualify in Humorous interpretation. I wasn't sure if we'd get a sweepstakes trophy as there were only five events from Hereford in finals. But Tascosa always gives out sweepstakes trophies to the top five schools, so we made it home with yet another one. I made the decision to not go to another tournament next weekend. I really need the break and it's not going to be affordable to go.

I made a hotel reservation for my trip down to San Antonio. I decided to not take a day off from school since I'm taking one next week to judge a debate tournament. I normally don't like to judge CX but I'll do it when I get paid to do it. For the San Antonio trip, I'm going to leave immediately after school and drive about 6 hours. That way I only have about 2 1/2 hours on Saturday morning. Josh's concert is at 11:00 and I learned last year, that it's a good idea to get to the theatre well in advance. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay the night in San Antonio that Saturday or just turn around and head back home. I just hope the trip is better than last year. I may try to visit my ex-husband while down there, but it will just depend on if he's available. You might think it's strange to be friends with an ex, but that's just the way I've always been. I've never had a bad break-up where I've had bad feelings for someone. Sure, I was a little bitter after my divorce, but not enough to hold the grudge. Marty and I are still friends though we hardly talk much. I talk to my ex-husband probably once or twice a month. I guess I don't see the point in staying bitter and angry because it doesn't affect anyone but yourself. Usually the other person as moved on and if you're the one holding a grudge, you're holding it alone and just making yourself miserable. O.k. enough soap box preaching.

Well, I guess I need to get some laundry done so I can appear decent tomorrow. My cold is better, but I'm still coughing a bit today. I'll probably take some tylenol p.m. early tonight and just try to get some extra sleep.

Speechless again...

but for an entirely different reason. First let me explain some things. I've kept my distance from Marty so to speak out of personal necessity. My blog readers that have been with me since the courtship, dating, and breakup and the things that followed know that it was a hard thing for me. Of all the men in my life I really, really loved him with my whole heart. I didn't hold anything back and plunged in headfirst. Maybe that was my mistake. But it doesn't matter. We're no longer together and that's the way it's supposed to be and I came to terms with the matter. A part of me will certainly always love him, but I had to stop being in love with him. On one occasion while he was still in Alaska, I called him and I finally got the sense that I didn't matter to him any more. Maybe he had to live in that thought process and it came through on the phone, but that's when I finally "got it" and let go. It took time, but I did eventually "get over" him. I have certainly kept him in my prayers. I will continue to do so along with his mother in hopes that he, too, will find his way back to his faith. But as far as simply "thinking" about him or making contact with him, I've tried to avoid it. I have, however, found myself simply driving down the road and his name just pops into my head. No rhyme or reason to it, it is just there. I try to dismiss it and think about other things and ask myself why in the world am I thinking about him again? And that's they way I've been operating for a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasion IM's that happen maybe once a month, but nothing major. I've even prayed for God to take away those thoughts of him because they serve no purpose and I should focus more on other things. But every once in a while when I absolutely least expect it, he makes an appearance... not in my head, but for real.

Can anyone tell me why Marty contacts me when he's drunk? So I talked to him on the phone tonight. Had a nice long conversation. Nothing serious, just general stuff. But I got the feeling that he missed me. Sure, I know it's probably just the alcohol talking and maybe it was just him missing the physical stuff. But there was a semi-serious moment when he said that he had kept everything I had given him. I sometimes wonder what's going on in his head. Ahh... the great mystery of the universe! I think he is a bit surprised at how I've changed... he kept saying that he needs to corrupt me some more and I told him that I needed to work on cleaning him up and get him into a church. We agreed that would be an interesting challenge. He mentioned the idea of me coming down to Florida at some point. I'd have to give that some thought. On one hand I know it's probably just a very bad idea altogether. On the other, I think I'm in a good place and I could handle it. But then I also know that I'm probably just fooling myself in that regard. Then again, a road trip would be awesome and that means I could stop and see my wonderful friend Jonathon on the way. That also means ROLLERCOASTERS. There are several in Florida that I really want to ride.

O.k. I know. I know that Marty was probably not good for me. I know he didn't deserve me. I know I deserved better... yada, yada, yada. I also know that he has a good solid heart. I'm not writing this about any hopes of rekindling the flames with him. I do miss him as a friend because he truly was and is a wonderful friend. And I have so few friends in real life that not having that special someone to just talk to can get to you, you know? I know that my blogging friends are so wonderful and they are the absolute best... but the problem is that there's still that missing link of face to face personal contact.

O.k.... maybe not speechless... but still confused as ever. Why me? I keep thinking of my good friend Carol. She was there with me as the relationship came crashing down and I was taking my baby steps into the Church. She heard all about Marty. And she kept telling me that she didn't think that things were truly over for us and there might be a bigger plan involved. I would say "maybe, but I doubt it." But her hope always seemed to be there. I don't know. I do wonder, however, why he keeps popping in from time to time. Oh how I wish I knew what was going on inside his head and his heart. Problem is that I think even Marty doesn't know what's going on in there. I do hope one day he figures it out. I do wish for his happiness. And that's all I can do at the moment.

My Epiphany

O.k. maybe not quite an epiphany, but one of those ah-ha moments. I was watching Sex and the City tonight. It was the episode where Carrie finds out that Big is marrying Natasha and at the end she has her own epiphany. They talk about how Big is just like Hubble in the movie The Way We Were. Hubble (and Big) couldn't handle the girls that are kooky, a little crazy or complex. So they settle for the simple girls. I figured that realization is probably right on. On more than one occasion have I dated guys that have bailed when things have gotten complex. I am going to make a generalization here so I hope you 2 or 3 guys that read my blog don't take offense. But guys typically are simple and shallow. I think that Jeff Foxworthy got it right when he said that what guys really are thinking is "I want a beer and I want to see something naked." I think guys like dating the complex girls for a while because they're fun, but in the long run, the decide that they can't handle them. So they settle for someone that isn't that complex. Or perhaps a few of them are able to break the girl... much like breaking a horse. So I guess my problem is that perhaps I'm just too complex for the few available men that are left. I know that I wrote about having choices in life... but now I'm getting to a point that there are so few decent choices left. I don't mean to complain, but I see and meet a lot of really great guys... that are married... happily, no less.

Overall, Marty was a really pretty decent guy. I think ultimately, though, he couldn't handle my complexity. I don't claim to be perfect (anymore), but I still think I am a pretty good catch. And the thing with Marty is that he, like many men, has absolutely no idea what he wants. And no, I'm not obsessing. I am quite over him, but I'm just analyzing the choices I've made in the past.
Why did I choose Marty? I had other guys in the picture at the time. I was dating Patrick and still had Steve from Michigan in the picture. But what was it about Marty? It really just felt right. I felt like I could be myself with him. I felt what I thought was real love from him.

My problem is that I wonder if I can really be myself should another opportunity present itself. (I am being optimistic here.) Do we pretend to be simple girls and then deal with those surprise moments of complexity when they hit and hope that the guy doesn't go running? Or are we honest about ourselves and take the risk of not even getting a second date? How much information is too much when it comes to meeting someone? Yes, I'm putting the cart before the horse at the moment but I'm just having some random thoughts at the moment.

Now my brain is tired and I have a bit more work to do before I can head to bed which will be soon. So much for my epiphany. Maybe I'll call it just another thought.

Going to a Party

Well, I'm going to a party tonight. At least I'm getting out of the house. I'm not sure how I feel about it though. A part of me wants to go and be social. Another part of me is worried that it will be like most parties. I'll go and talk to the few people I know and then just sit back and mostly observe. Then I will find a graceful way to exit and come home. I don't know what it is about me, but I am just not good in social situations. I always feel like a dork when I say something or I say the wrong thing because others don't get my humor. It's amazing that I am a person that is supposed to be able to teach communication skills and I am so bad at it. Oh, I know that I'm making it sound worse than it is. I fake it pretty well out there, but usually I feel like an outsider and that I don't belong. That's one reason why drinking was such a big thing at theatre parties and such. It lowered my inhibitions and I was much more social and fun. But it shouldn't take getting drunk to be that way. I guess it's just an innate quality in me and I just have to deal with it. It's not that I'm completely anti-social by choice. I do want to fit in at times, but not at the sake of being someone that just isn't me.

I called Marty to wish him a happy birthday today. I would have sent him a card if I knew his address. I am almost amazed that I did have his new cell phone number. Perhaps I should have not said anything to him at all. I'm sure he would not have noticed whether I called him or not, but it's just in me to still let him know that I care about him. I don't know why I bother sometimes, but he is still a friend.

Well, I better get ready to head out. Tomorrow will be spent cleaning the house all day. Nothing like waiting until the last minute to get things done, huh?

Visit with Marty

It went fine. I did very well and am fine emotionally. I just wanted to get that out first. I went by his brother's house in Hereford. I walked in and sat on the couch next to Norma, his sister-in-law. We chatted a little bit and then Marty decided that he wanted to come to Canyon to eat so he followed me in his new truck to the house. We picked up Josh and went to the local restaurant and had dinner. He paid for it. I offered, but he wouldn't hear of it. Then we came back to the house and he came in to visit for a little while. He stayed for about two hours. We mostly chit-chatted back and forth about mundane things. Towards the end we talked a little bit about our relationship. I told him that it took me a while to get over him, but I did. He seemed to feel bad about it and called himself a jerk. I told him that he wasn't. I said that he wasn't perfect, but nobody is and that he really is a good guy that just needs a little work. I told him to quit beating himself up. I also told him that I was sorry for the mistakes that I made in our relationship regarding my jealousy and insecurities. He again told me that it wasn't me, but I said that I know I contributed to things and that I wanted to apologize for them. I let him know how much church has helped me and that I was praying for him.
Overall it was a very good visit and I feel good about it. I admit that I felt a small flitter in my heart just before he left and he gave me a hug. Actually two hugs. I've missed his friendship and his companionship. On my way to Hereford today I prayed for a good reunion with him and asked that I came away with a sense of peace. I have. For me to say that I no longer love him would be a lie. I still have feelings, but they just feel different. It's not that I want to rekindle things; I just want him to realize what a good man he is. I love him for the person he is... flaws and all.

Now I have some things to tell

First of all, Marty called. Well, he called my cell phone and left a message. He's back in the mainland in Albuquerque right now. He will be coming through Hereford this weekend to see his brother. I called him back after the banquet this evening. We'll probably get together briefly at some point while he's here. I do have his box of things to give back to him. And before you start letting your mind wander about my feelings and all of that, let me tell you that I'm over him. I didn't get weepy talking to him. It was all rather matter of fact. I think it was the last time I talked to him on the phone when he was still in Alaska that I finally "got it." So no worries, o.k.? I have no hopes of rekindling anything, nor do I want to. I finally realize that he was probably just a stepping stone... or perhaps a boulder that I had to climb over, but I have finally been able to move on.

Next on my agenda is my future. I guess I'm just in one of those moods or something that gets me pondering. (And I was pondering long before Marty had called so it has nothing to do with him nor does it have to do with men at all.)

I am 36 years old and I am still wondering what I want to be when I grow up. I know that sounds strange, but I am just thinking if I am where I am supposed to be. O.k. I know this doesn't make sense because a part of me knows that right at this moment I am in the job I'm supposed to be and all of that, but I wonder if teaching is what I'm really called to do. I mean, it is o.k. Some days are wonderful, some days are not so great... but that goes with the territory and with most jobs. But I have to admit, it really isn't my passion. I do have some wonderful moments in teaching and for the most part it has been enjoyable, especially when it comes to the speech team, but I just don't know if this what I'm to do in the long run. I still have those what-if thoughts about other possibilities. I looked again today at the University of North Texas site and getting my librarian certification. It really seems so impossible. It would cost almost $10,000 when all is said and done and if I ended up becoming a librarian, I would most likely be taking a pay cut when starting out. I still don't know if that would make me happier. I do love books and all the technology involved, but when I look at my librarian all I see is a constant solving of technological issues. Which isn't bad, per se, but I would rather be able to do more than just troubleshoot computer and equipment issues. But that's where the field is going, librarians are really becoming trained in computers and equipment more than in the knowledge of books.
So then I ponder perhaps just simply getting my masters in communication at the local college. But what would I do with it? I guess I could eventually teach at the college level which would probably be better than high school. But then I start wondering if the field of education really where I'm supposed to be.
I admit that I majored in education because I really couldn't figure out anything else to do. Yeah, the summer off was appealing and I was inspired by some of my former teachers, but I chose it because I realized I didn't have the head or heart for music business. The problem with college is that it is at a time when most people are too young to really know what their passion is. I'm still trying to figure mine out and I already hold a degree. Maybe one of these days before I'm 80 years old I will figure it all out.

Here in Austin

We made it to Austin today around 1:00. We had lunch at the Macaroni Grill and it was quite yummy. It was very filling and I could use a nap, but if I lay down, I won't get up for a while.
The hotel is nice, though the room is a little small. We are heading to the UT campus shortly to register. After that, I am not sure what our plans are. Maybe take in the sites or something.

As we were driving in today I had a brief moment of melancholy. The last time I was here was a little over a year ago. I was breaking up with Marty. We drove in on the highway where you have to exit to get to his parents house. But the memory that really pervaded my thoughts was from several months before then. September 2004. I was thinking about the night that he had told me he loved me for the first time. I remember after we left the restaurant we just drove around Austin. We weren't going any place in particular, we just drove and held hands and I remember grinning and that feeling of euphoria that swept over me. Although I do believe that I am over Marty now, I am thinking if what I really missed when I no longer had him was just that feeling. Yes, he was special and I loved him. I enjoyed his company and he was a great friend. But was it him that I missed or simply the idea of what I thought we had? Perhaps it was just simply the relationship I missed. The feelings. Holding hands. Kisses. Just having someone there to talk with and share and just be. Those are the things I would like to have again, but I know that it's not going to be with him.

We had an interesting discussion about relationships on the way down here. The other sponsor is married to a man that is pretty much quite her opposite. They don't have a great deal in common, but they have been married a long time and have had a really great relationship. She said that they have never had any kind of major fight the entire time that they were married. They do have some things in common, but for the most part, they are very different. I stated that a person needs to make sure their mate shares their morals and values. You don't necessarily have to have everything in common, but that is something that is quite important. I think that was one of the problems in my marriage. We started out with some great common interests and chemistry, but the initial passion faded and what was left just didn't work. I still think that Richard is a decent guy; he just wasn't right for me as a husband. I think the same is probably true of Marty. Though I think we were more compatible and our values and morals were more similar, he still wasn't the right match. (Yes, it's easier to say that now in hindsight)
I hope to find the right person some day... or perhaps he will find me. But for now, I am content (mostly) to wait.

No need for a search party

I am still in the process of doing laundry. What? You expected 350 loads to be done by this morning? But I am making progress. I even went so far as to organize my closet by colors. The thing I hate about doing laundry besides the sorting and just doing it, is putting the clothes away afterwards. I don't know why, but it's a pain. I have two more rooms to clean today. I am going to get started on my extra bedroom that really isn't a bedroom because there is no bed in it. I am hoping to turn it into some semblance of a craft room. I am planning on making some curtains for my bedroom tomorrow. I looked for material yesterday, but didn't find anything that I just loved enough to buy. I also looked at pre-made curtains and everything that I kind of liked was out of stock. So I came home and decided I'd just wash the ones I had and use them until I found something suitable. Then when I was in the extra room, I saw some material that I was originally going to use to cover a futon and decided it would work.
I do have to go out into the real world today and make a run to Amarillo. I have to buy reeds for Josh, and just do a little bit of extra shopping. I also need to go to the post office. I still have a package for Marty that I never sent him and if I don't send it soon, he'll be gone by the time it gets there. It's something I planned to send, oh... back in November I think. I was working on a lengthy letter to send with it, but decided there was no point to say what I wanted to say. I'll put a short note in there and let it be on it's way.

Short Lived Popularity

Yesterday was a busy day. I went to mass at 11:15 then went to Walmart afterwards. I got home around 1:30 and had an hour to get ready for my Rite of Continuing Conversion. Wouldn't you know it that at 2:00 I got 4 instant messages. One from my ex-husband, one from Marty, one from my friend John, and another from some guy in Amarillo. Just when I think Marty has written me off he pops up and says hello. The conversation isn't anything to write about really. I did tell him that I had gotten over him though. I was talking about how the Church has helped me and told him that it helped me to get over him. I said it was difficult and it took almost a year, but I finally got to a point where I accepted things and am learning patience. He didn't respond to that statement, but that's o.k. I don't know what his thoughts are, but it really doesn't matter. I am the one that had to move on.
My ex-husband wanted a recipe that I used to cook for him when we were married. I scanned it and sent it to him. My friend John told me that he bought his wife an ipod. And the other guy was rambling about something. I wasn't really paying that much attention. But as always, my popularity is short lived. I had to cut my conversation with Marty short and am certain it will probably be another two months before I hear from him again.
I went to the Cathedral in Amarillo for the ceremony and it was nice. The Bishop normally performs the rite, but he was out of town. We had another priest that did it and he made it very personal. He talked about everyone individually in his homily and then blessed each one of us individually as well. Only another month until I am confirmed. After the service I went to dinner with my sponsor. It was a pretty good day.
I have been working on an announcement to send to friends and family. I did some playing in photoshop. You can check out my works in progress if you're interested. I haven't decided which design I like or which verse I will use for the front.
Today I didn't really sleep in. I was awake shortly after 7:00 a.m., but made myself stay in bed and try to sleep in. I gave up shortly after 8:30. I should have made more progress today, but I spent most of it on the computer, though I did load and start the dishwasher. I do have plans to get a lot done this week, but I haven't done a lot today.
I am anxiously awaiting my new laptop. It should be here on Wednesday. I got my Microsoft software in the mail today so I'll be ready to go as soon as it gets here. And that's all the excitement in my world these days.