Dual Church-going

I went to two services today. I attended Mass at 8:30 and then went to the Contemporary service at the Baptist church at 10:50. My cousin David was being recognized as a graduating senior and he wanted me to go.

It was interesting to see two different kinds of services. I wouldn't say completely night and day, but they were very different from each other. If I had to sum it up simply I would say that that the Catholic Church is more about reverance and the Baptist is more about praise. Not that one is better than the other. I feel that both are about worshipping Christ, just in different ways.

Yes, the Mass is more formulated with the prayers and recitations, but the Baptist church is quite formulaic itself. There was sitting and standing, a specific order in which songs were sung, messages preached, and money collected.

I have to say that I still feel much more at home and comfortable in the Catholic Church. Maybe I like the tradition and the solemnity of it. I've never been one to be outgoing and making a show of my faith. It's not that it's a bad thing to do it, but it's just not me. The Baptist service was full of contemporary songs that I couldn't sing because it was posted on a powerpoint, but did not have the music (notes) printed. I guess if you go for a while you know the tunes, but for me, I couldn't sing a lick of any of the songs without being able to read the music. The people were friendly enough, but I still didn't feel right at home there. I'm not chastizing the church, their beliefs or the service, but just feel it isn't right for me. I felt God was present there as He is in all churches. And I know there are truly godly people there. I'm finding though that the Catholic Church just doesn't make such a big show of it. Like I said, it's more about reverance.

Some people complain that there's a lot of sitting, standing, kneeling etc. in the Catholic church, but there's just as much in the Baptist church. At Mass the congregation stands in reverance to the reading of the Gospel of Christ and when the Eucharist becomes the Body and Blood of Christ. In the Baptist service the congregation stood for the singing. I saw those that were raising their hands in praise and were really getting into the emotion of it. I can't say one is any better than the other. But I still feel that there's more truth in the Catholic Church. Though God truly exists in both, I feel that Baptist (and in general Protestant) doctrine is still flawed. It doesn't mean that Baptists are going to hell or that only Catholics can go to Heaven.

I know my friend Bret still has his concerns over my conversion. I tried address some of those in response to an email he sent. I'm sure he still disagrees, but that's o.k. I've also had a few people IM me commenting on my decision. One saying that the Catholic Church supported Hitler and how it's the whore of Babylon etc. But then I've had those that have told me congratulations for doing so and that was coming from people who weren't Catholic themselves. But it really doesn't matter what others think because it's still my decision and I'm doing it because I feel it's right.

I've been doing some studying on the Mass and today I think I've finally gotten the responses down and have learned the Nicene Creed. I'm understanding not only what to say, but why and what is going on. Sure, some Catholics do it by rote, but for me I'm trying to think about the importance of and meaning behind what we're saying. I can't wait to start RCIA classes in the fall.

I've told people that stuff like this would not have been coming out of my mouth a year ago. I've changed quite a bit. And it's a good change. I'm still working on it and still have a ways to go, but at least I'm making progress.

Feeling More Catholic

I went to the library today and got a couple more books on Catholicism. I just finished reading Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David B. Currie. That book really helped me to understand the basic differences between Evangelical beliefs and Catholic beliefs. I'm still finding that the Catholic Church simply makes more sense to me and is more logical than anything else. I'm not dissing those that belong to a protestant denomination. I just happen to think that some of the protestant beliefs are flawed. Much in the same way many protestants believe that Catholic doctrine is flawed.

I don't plan to debate any issues here, I'm just stating that my turn to Catholicism is not because of a simple whim. I'm truly learning what the faith is and am growing because of it.
I had lunch with my son today and we discussed some religious beliefs and because of what I've read, I feel that I was able to answer his questions. I am by no means an expert and I have a lot to learn, but I think I'm on the right track perhaps for the first time in my life.

So what does all this mean? I'm changing. For the better, certainly. But it's still kind of scary. I wonder if I can do it sometimes and then I start thinking that the only way that I can is with the help of God. For someone that hasn't been a trusting person for many, many years, it's difficult to do. And as challenges come, I hope that God gives me the strength to endure. But I've found that since I've been going to Mass weekly, praying daily, and engrossing myself in learning, I feel more at peace.

I've always been a believer in that God has been looking out for me. Maybe it's also my guardian angel, but too many things have happened in my life for me to think otherwise. I think everything happens for a reason, and the people that come into our lives are there for some purpose as well.

If I hadn't gotten pregnant with Josh in college, I might never have finished. It was because of Josh that I received grants and scholarships and college was paid for. When I needed a place to live on a very small budget, I found a house for rent for $75 a month. When I needed a refrigerator that was under 5 ft., we happened upon one in a driveway that wasn't for sale, but the guy decided to sell it anyways. When I've needed money because things have come up, I'd suddenly get a child support check or a tax refund. When I lost my house to foreclosure after separating, I was able to move into my parents house after my mother passed away. And because I met Marty, I am taking this religious journey. There's no doubt about it. I'm sure that it's all in God's plan. That's why I don't regret having him in my life. I'm sad to lose him, but I accept that it wasn't meant to be. But I'm thankful for the purpose it served. I still love him and always will in some way.

I'm still open to loving again. I wasn't sure for a while. But I think when it's right I'll be able to give my heart away again. I'm figuring out what I want. Now, what I want may not be what I get, but I know the things I'm not going to settle on. Marty was close, but by no means perfect. I know that perfection doesn't exist and one has to compromise. The thing is one shouldn't really settle on important issues.

I hope I find it again. Because loving someone is one of the greatest things you can do.

A Great Homily

I went to Mass today. It was good to be back after missing last week. I'm starting to get the hang of things and can almost participate in all of it. There's a few things I still need to memorize, like the Nicene Creed, but I'm not doing too bad so far.
I really enoyed the homily today. Father said that he had just read the book 7 Habits for Highly Effective people and said that many of those are similar to being an effective Christian. Father gave us his list of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Christians. I wanted to share them with you.

1. Prayer - One cannot have a relationship with God without this. It should be done daily.
2. Faith - A gift from the Holy Spirit.
3. Forgiveness - One must be able to forgive to be able to love. This even when the one you are forgiving doesn't change or show remorse.
4. Conversion - We must change in ourselves to serve Christ. We must be open to change in ourselves.
5. Charity - We must show charity to one another.
6. Patience - Our timing and God's may be two different things and we need to have patience in all matters of life.
7. Simplicity - Keep your life simple and not cloud it with so many things that God is placed on the backburner.

I thought it was a very good list and I took it to heart today. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm going to be working on this list.

My first rosary. I made it myself. Haven't prayed it yet, but I was pleased with how it turned out. The picture doesn't do it justice. The blue beads are much darker and prettier.

Weirdness

Something weird happened today. I was doing laundry... no, that's not weird... I'm actually keeping up with it. Well, I was about to put a load into the dryer when I noticed something strange. It looked like a stuffed lizard that might have been one of Josh's stuffed toys from his room or something. I picked it up thinking it accidentally was washed with his clothes. It was NOT a stuffed lizard. It was real and quite alive. I don't know what it was really... kind of a salamander/lizard thing but not. It had split tail. After I freaked out momentarily, I picked it up again and took it outside to live in our swamp. (Sewer line area of the back yard) I hope it found a nice home there.

In other news....
So I have this dog. A guest you might say. It is absolutely the cutest and sweetest thing. I placed an ad in the paper last night that will appear by tomorrow. (It's a small town, no daily paper) I know she must belong to someone because her toenails were painted. And she's still young. Definitely not house trained and is very playful. It was strange that she was just sitting on my front porch with her paws on my door like she was expecting to be let in. I went out and picked her up and looked around to see if anyone was shouting for thier missing dog. And I didn't see anyone. I didn't want to just leave her out for fear she would get hit by a car. I'm surprised I haven't seen flyers on telephone poles today. Well, I hope I do find her original owners because I'm sure she's very missed.

I think I only cried twice yesterday. Oh wait... only twice over Marty maybe. But I did cry quite a bit, but it's because I finally watched The Passion of the Christ. And that's all I'll say. It did move me and have an effect, but it's not something I can put into words at the moment.
But I didn't cry at all today. Even when I made a parting gift for Marty. I'm doing better than I thought I'd ever imagine. And I don't think it's because I didn't really love him. I know I did. But I think there's a bigger hand in all of this. And for that I am truly thankful.

I haven't been posting my Wednesday weigh-in's since I stopped going to my aerobics classes (they were over for the session I paid for) and since I got frustrated by the scale. But good things have been happening. It's amazing what tragedy will do for one's appetite. I've cut back on my eating AND I've been walking. And you know what???? The scale today read 170. I haven't been that low since my first year of marriage back in 1999. So I'm very pleased. And I do plan to keep this up. My goal is to lose another 30 lbs.

And I also found out good news on the annulment proceedings. After I spent the time filling out the numerous pages of paperwork and grilling questions, I found out I don't really have to do all that. Because Richard was married before, all I have to do is find his records of his first two marriages and divorces and prove that at least one of his ex-wives is alive and I'll have my marriaged annulled without all the rigamarole. Basically this is because the Church sees that he was still married to his first wife and therefore, not eligible to be married to me. Whew!

A Daunting Task

As if I don't have enough things to pile on my plate. I got the packet from the Amarillo diocese to have my marriage declared null by the Catholic Church. In addition to the 18 pages of questions that need to be filled out, I have to supply my marriage certificate, divorce decree, baptism certificate, and it will cost $450.
It's a lot of stuff to drum up from my past. But I think it will be worth it. It will allow me to start with a clean slate. And then if/when I do become Catholic, I will be free to marry in the Church. That may or may not be Marty. I do hope it is, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for myself.
So I have to find witnesses to help validate the fact that my marriage should not be considered valid. I asked my friend Robin via email if she would consider being a witness for me. Even though we haven't talked in the last few years, she was there as my matron of honor and she got me through some tough times during the marriage.
I also need to tell Richard about doing this. I'm not sure I can handle telling him over the phone. I seem to bumble words when I don't get the chance to think about what I'm saying beforehand. (Like I did with Marty on the phone last night) So I think I'll write him a letter.

O.k. for a little clarification on Marty. The reason why he's not coming to Amarillo is because the company that books the travel for the military said it would be next to impossible to get him from Amarillo to Alaska without a lot of problems. To fly from Amarillo means layovers with some overnight stays and it would mean he'd have to leave even earlier. But it was also that he didn't want to spend a day driving up there.... so it is understandable and still frustrating. I don't mind going down to Austin to spend time with him as I was going to go anyways to pick him up. I'm working around it by kidnapping him for an evening that we'll have to ourselves. I think it will be great. I know he's been reconsidering things between us because he thinks that I'm not handling the distance very well... which is sort of true... I'm not handling it because he hasn't been really "in" to me for a while.. so it's a catch-22.
I know, I know... the red flags. O.k. for me, maybe they're more pink. If the visit next week doesn't go well, then I'll have to reconsider things. But I'm keeping a spark of optimism in my heart that we'll get on the right track. Is that so wrong?
Bottom line is that I still love him and I know he still loves me and I think we have something that shouldn't be discarded because of some sticky issues right now. Sure, the distance thing isn't helping, but I'm really, really trying to deal with it. Like Diana... I have a plan.

So wish me luck that in whatever happens that I find resolution. Hopefully it will be the way I want, and if not, I guess I'll live. Maybe. Probably. O.k. I will, but I won't like it... let's just keep thinking positive! Good thoughts, good thoughts.

I have no life

O.k. maybe I have a life, but I'm at a point where I don't know what to do with myself. My house is clean. Laundry is caught up. Even my car is clean. I still can't clean out the attic/garage because it's snowing once again.
I don't really have friends that I do anything with. I guess I'm kind of a loner. It kind of sucks.
I've been going to church. I went Thursday and Friday evening and will attend the Easter Vigil tonight. It still feels a little weird, but not as bad as being in protestant church. No offense to anyone out there, but they just seem to grate on my nerves lately. I'm finding that in the Catholic services the spirituality is more genuine and it feels more like a worship service. For example, last night was the veneration of the cross. The congregation passes a large cross over them all around the people and then they go up to the front, bow and kiss the cross. It was really very moving. I still feel a little awkward there, but it's really not bad. I'm just not sure of some of the things I should be doing & saying.
Marty should be back in Connecticut by now. I thought he'd call me to let me know he made it, but I guess he forgot. I'm trying not to take it personally, but I do. I still have no idea if I'm going to go up there or if he's going to come here. He's now talking like he's going to just give his truck to his ex-wife so he doesn't have to worry about dealing with it. I guess that's his choice.
I went walking yesterday. I bought new shoes and am making myself walk. Problem was that my CD player that is supposed to be really good anti-skip, wasn't. So I splurged and got myself a new mp3 player. I wouldn't have done it except I got a refund for overpaying my car insurance last month. I do feel a bit guilty for buying it, but oh well. If it helps me walk more, then it will be worth it.
That's it for my exciting life. I don't have anything deep and meaningful to share but that's my life as it is right now. Don't read my blog while operating heavy machinery.

Palm Sunday

I went to Mass today. I felt a little awkward as I tend to do in new situations, but it wasn't bad. Since I've attended Episcopal services with my aunt many times, I understood what was going on. I even chimed in on some of the responses. I sat with the lady I contacted regarding RCIA classes. After church we went to McDonald's and had some orange juice. We had a nice conversation and it turns out that I went to school with her daughter and we graduated in the same year. Small world isn't it?
So I've jumped in. I still don't know if it's the right thing, but I feel I need to explore it more. And that's what I'm doing.
I've been trying to work on my resume for a catalog designer position, but I'm not feeling very creative at the moment. But I need to send it in along with some samples that I don't have. Sure, I know InDesign, but I mostly teach it. Maybe the creativity will hit me soon. I've got to do something for some extra money.
My computer is acting really weird lately. I have a feeling it's destined to be serviced and that will not be good given it's my only working computer.
I finally got to talk to Marty last night. It was good to talk to him and I think he's relieved that he only has a week left. I'm trying to make plans to go see him in Connecticut. I plan to either fly one way and help him drive his truck down here or just fly round trip and see him. Problem is that he's not sure what's going to happen when he gets back so I can't really make my plans. It's all very frustrating. But it boils down to the fact that I'm not going to let January be the last time I see him.
Well, I'm off to continue with laundry.

Jumped off the wagon

Even though I'm not Catholic (yet), I've been trying to follow the practice of lent in giving up things. I decided to continue my abstaining from fast food and alcohol as well as observing abstinence from meat on Fridays. I've actually done pretty well. Today was not to be an exception as we were planning on going to Red Lobster for dinner and I was going to have fish and shrimp. But this afternoon, without thinking I had leftover sausage pizza for lunch. It didn't even dawn on me until I was getting ready to go out to dinner. It may not be a really big deal and even Catholics have been known to cheat or not go through their giving up something during Lent, but I really wanted to make a concerted effort. Then tonight after dinner we came back to my aunt's mother-in-law's house to visit and I had some wine. I could have easily declined, but I didn't. Again, not a big deal, but I do feel a little bad about it.
But on the upside, I did get a lot of nice compliments on how I looked today. It made me feel good. And I had a really good time. Josh was disappointed that we didn't get the vanilla bean cheesecake for dessert, but I told him next time we went to Amarillo we'd go by TGIFridays just for dessert. It does sound good now, doesn't it?
I think I'll make an attempt to go to mass this Sunday. It's Palm Sunday so it should be special. I might as well just jump in, huh?
Nothing from Marty today. I'm hoping he'll call sometime this weekend, but if he doesn't, I'll be o.k. with it.
Well, I'm off to bed. It's been a long day, but I feel good that my house is clean. Now for the garage.... ugh.

I did it

Well, I did it. I sent an email to the local Catholic church asking about their RCIA classes. I'm still not 100% certain of it all, but felt compelled to do it. After all it's just a question. Doesn't mean I have to do anything yet. I've just been putting off the question for a while now. But I've continued to be drawn to it all. I'm even participating in Lent to some degree.

Marty surprised me the other day saying he was going to go to Mass on Sunday. He didn't make it, but the fact that he said he was going to go really put a little pep in my heart. He's been lapsed for quite a long time now and wasn't even confirmed. I know he's been thinking about going back to the Church too. Perhaps that is the reason we've been drawn together. Sometimes I call it fate or destiny, but I think that perhaps it's the Man upstairs doing His part.

I've been away from church in general for about 14 years now. I've been soured by a lot things like hypocrisy, questioning they why's, and the fact it's a heck of a lot easier to live in sin than it is to be perfect. I'm finally realizing though that I don't have to be perfect because we're simply human. But I also understand that I should live better than what I have. I still have an attachment to sin which makes things more difficult for me, but I still think it's something I should look back into.

Since I started this journey, I have found that there isn't anything in the Catholic teaching that I can't agree with. There are some things I know I'll have a hard time dealing with, but overall it just seems right.

One of my biggest questions regarding religion has been "Who's right?" Among all the denominations who truly has the right answers. For me it's a matter of going back to the beginning. The Catholic Church is the original church of Christ. All the other Christian denominations are from people that broke from the Church thinking they knew better. So for me it's not a matter of which Church any more. It's a matter of whether I can embrace Church life or not. It's also a matter of whether I can get an anullment on my marriage.

So I've taken another step. The first was having the simple curiosity about the church followed by my research. We'll see where it all leads.