What a blah day. I sat in front of the t.v. for most of it. I only went out to go to band and to pick up dinner because I didn't even feel like cooking. I had another down day today and it's starting to bother me. The thing about teaching is that you get summers off and when you have a lot of down time, that can mean a lot of thinking time. It's nothing concrete, but I am still trying to make sense of my life. I have tons of questions and no answers for any of them. In my journaling workshop I had to write about who I am. I had a hard time with that assignment and it took me three days before I put anything together. I feel as though I'm just existing and not really living. I don't know what it will take though. Is it more money? Is it overcoming a fear?
Sometimes I just want to know that my life has meaning. That I'm making a difference. That I have a purpose. There are days that I do realize some of those things, but I guess I'm losing sight. As meager as my life is these days, I know I have it pretty well. I really shouldn't be complaining at all; but when I get this way, I have to be patient until the mood passes. It will. It always does. I know this, but I don't like being here right now.
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