Three Strikes and You're Out

Marty and I broke things off again. I had to drag the truth out of him but I wasn't going to leave without answers. He would have let me leave and then continued to be distance and let me get more and more frustrated. So when we went to bed last night I thanked him for letting me come visit. He said that I was welcome any time. Then I told him that I felt like he really didn't want me to come down this time. He said that it was because it's hard to have someone visit while he's still working. I asked if that was all and he said "Mostly." I then asked what else there was. At that point he tried to avoid answering and told me to go to sleep. I told him that I wasn't going to give up. I said that I wasn't blind and that he had been acting very distant and it seemed as though he just didn't like me very much. He said that he liked me, but.... and then went silent. I told him to go on several times. He finally said that he thought that we would never go beyond where we've been in our relationship. He said that although he enjoys my company, talking to me, the cuddling and such but he just didn't feel the same way that I do about him. He said that he knows that I feel more for him than he does for me and he knows that that isn't fair. I agreed with him. I told him that I can't make him care for me and that I appreciated his honesty. I asked him what he wanted - if he wanted to remain friends and still communicate or cut all ties. He said he wanted to stay friends. I said o.k. I know that for him that means he might pop up out of the blue every six months or so. I didn't think I'd cry because I was really expecting all of this but it did hurt and I admit that a few tears fell. I know he felt bad and I think he was a little upset as well, but I don't him to not feel bad. I told him that I wanted him to be happy and that I obviously am not the one to do that so I know when I need to let go. And that's it. We feel asleep, got up early and he brought me to the airport. He hugged me before leaving and told me to call him when I got home. I wanted to cry again briefly but I sucked it up and held it in.

So how do I feel about all of this? I'm both sad and relieved. It still aches a bit, but there is not the pain that I had the last time. I don't know if that is because I was more prepared or if it was because I expected it or if it's just emotional maturity. So I am moving on to acceptance of the fact that Marty and I are just not meant to be together. I'm just at a place where I know that I deserve better. I deserve someone that can really love me. I deserve someone that acts like they're interested in me. I deserve someone whose face will light up when they see me. I deserve a lot more. I don't know if I'll ever find that person (or if they will find me) but I know that I have a lot to offer in a relationship. But I also have to realize that perhaps I'm never going to be with someone. That is the hard pill to swallow because now that I think I'm finally "getting it" in terms how relationships and love are supposed to work that I may never get the opportunity to participate in something special. But that's just a fear that I'll have to work through as well. And so it's time to move on - again.