Thursday, April 14, 2005

It hurts

But it's finished. We said our good-byes. I did most of the talking (go figure). He just said that I was in a different place than he was and it wasn't fair to me. He doesn't know what he wants and he's considering staying in the Coast Guard longer than originally planned.
I will still always question whether or not it was something in me, but he assures me it wasn't. Doesn't change my questioning.
I got the typical "I didn't want to hurt you" and I know he means that, but nobody ever really intends to hurt another unless they are just a vicious person.
I gave him his journal. I hope he reads it. I hope he misses me. I hope he gets the answers he's looking for. A part of me still wishes that it was me, but I know it's not.
We'll remain friends and stay in touch. But it just won't be the same.
Maybe this will be the last day of tears and I'll move on. But the ache will linger for a while.


bettz said...

Annabel, I am so sorry things didn't go the way you wanted. Hopefully, you aren't hurting too badly over this. You must be really sad right now. Just know you've got people out here who understand and maybe can help you with your pain. Just take care and keep posting! That does seem to help.

Summer said...

I kept you in my thoughts yesterday. Especially on my ride home from work. I didn't even listen to the radio on the way home. Just listened to my thoughts about your life, mine and these men we love.

Diana said...

I'm so sorry.

Here's a quote that has helped me in a similar situation:

"A man who doesn't want you right now is not the man for you right now."

And another one:

"A woman in love, however, needs to avoid the temptation to act like a man. It doesn't work to try to convince a man that you are the woman of his dreams. Flirt, yes; connive, no. When a woman connives, she has not yet learned that if a train doesn't stop at her station, it's simply because the it's not her train... She wants to flag down the conductor and convince him to stop here, even if his own map says that he should just keep going. Sadly, she doesn't realize that there's another train trying to come toward her, unable to get to her station because a train that doesn't even belong there is being delayed by her intensity."

Both are from Marianne Williamson's Enchanted Love. I highly recommend it.