Pain

The pain is indescribable at the moment. My fears were well founded. He’s not sure what he wants, but his feelings have changed and he needs time. He tried to say that he can’t say for certain that he wants to call it completely quits, but deep down and as much as it hurts, I know it’s already over. He loves me, but he’s not in love with me, you see. And frankly I can’t do anything about that. I know this. As much as I want to say or do something I know I can’t and it really hurts. I just can’t figure out why I want to hold on so badly.
You know I saw it coming. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I knew things weren’t well. Despite clinging to the tiniest bit of hope, I knew that things were off. And I know I have to let go. I know this. Doesn’t mean I like it or I can accept it at this point. It will be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
I know what you’re thinking… you’ll be better off. He wasn’t treating you right anyways. Maybe so, but the fact remains having to lose the person I fell in love with isn’t easy to deal with. I know it takes time and perhaps I’ll heal eventually. It’s hard to conceive that at this moment. It’s difficult to imagine ever falling in love again or letting someone else have my heart. You see I keep giving it away and it’s getting to the point there’s not much left of it any more. Call me bitter, but is it so wrong to want someone to simply love you?
I just don’t understand. And maybe I never will. I’m already 35 years old. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever make a good decision when it comes to relationships?
I’m driving to Austin on Thursday. I’m going to let him do it face to face. I at least deserve that. Besides I already paid for the hotel that was going to be our getaway. I think I need it for closure. The next several days will probably be the longest of my life. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I have so much swirling inside at the moment and I can’t get it all out.
I cried sitting on my shower floor this afternoon. It was the only place I could getaway for the moment. I decided to head to my favorite park where I could sit under the shade of the trees and just think and write, but it was full of people. What do you expect on such a nice spring day? So I came back to Canyon. I forced myself to eat something though my appetite is really completely gone. (One positive note in all of this, I weighed 173 today… lowest it’s been in over a year.)
Now I’m sitting in a parking lot. I’m tired of crying, but the tears just keep coming. I spent some time writing in Marty’s journal. I bought this journal back in January and started writing to him in it. My goal was to give it to him when he returned from Alaska. I guess I’ll give it to him before he goes. I don’t see a point in keeping it really. It was for him.
I don't know what else to say at this point. Hopefully I'll get things sorted out in time. For now I know it's just going to have to hurt. A lot. For a while. And I can't do anything about it.