Please pardon the pity parties I've been having. I'm in a funk and I'll get over it. Despite my blogs that act as if my world is going to come to an end, I know I'll manage and I'm working on ways to get out of this hole.
1. I want to keep my job. I'm afraid to go back into teaching. So, I'm going to work on getting new yearbook accounts though I hate sales as well. I'm going to incorporate the help of my current advisers to help me get in the door and we'll see what happens.
2. Even though I'm afraid to go back into teaching, I'm keeping the possibility open as it would give me more money and health insurance covering two of my biggest worries.
3. I'm going to work on the house during spring break and see if my dad will look into refinancing it and then incorporating a loan to pay off my credit cards into the house payment. (not a big possibility given that I've been late on his house payment now for two months)
4. I'm going to take Summer's advice and try to put some stuff on ebay.
5. I'm going to continue to apply for and look for a part time job in the evenings.
6. I'm going to quit trying to assume the worst. Yes, child support is behind and it's likely he doesn't have a job at the moment, but it's not to say he's not going to find something and I know that if/when he does get a job, he'll have to make up the child support and you never know when you'll get that extra check.
7. My tax refund should be here at any time and I can get caught up and start penny pinching a bit.
8. Spring is coming fast and my utility bills will go down for a bit and I can perhaps stay a little ahead of the game.
9. Going to deal with the bad days and move on.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Worries
You might say I worry too much. Sometimes I dream up things that haven't yet happened but have fears that they might. I don't care for surprises. Let me rephrase that. I don't care for bad surprises. Sending me flowers or cards etc. is always good. But I like to be prepared. I kick myself for not putting money into savings for emergencies. But I never really had all that much extra money. It always seemed to go somewhere. Other than Christmas, the most extravagant thing I bought this past year was a plane ticket to see Marty in Connecticut for $345. Beyond that I simply lived normally. If Josh needed new shoes, I'd buy them. I splurged $80 on clothes for myself. It's not like I had mounds of money left over each month, but it was enough to live well enough. But I should have put some of it away. Because now I'm stuck and that's just the start of my worries. Let me share with you.
I worry about having enough money to pay the bills and get caught up.
I worry that my already bad credit (thanks to my divorce) is going to get worse.
I worry that I won't be able to find a second part time job or a new job in order to make enough money.
I worry about how much I may have screwed up raising Josh as a single parent. I know he has anger management issues that should be dealt with but I can't afford counseling for him.
I worry about my health. Overall I'm doing o.k. and my weight loss is going slow, but going. But not having health insurance scares me. I worry that I haven't had a female check-up in two years. Knowing the health history in my family (Both my mom & sister had hysterectomys before they were 36) I'm worried that by the time I can get health insurance it may be too late.
I'm worried about my car. So far it still gets me from point A to B, but things are falling apart. It's getting leaks and making sounds that it shouldn't. Given the amount of miles I have to put on it, I'm worried that it will fall apart (with my luck in the middle of nowhere) and I'll be stuck.
I'm worried about my house. It's nice to have a roof over my head and a house payment (though I'm a month behind at this point) that is normally affordable. But I have a sewer line that needs to be dug up, heating and air that is costing me a fortune in utility bills, and other miscellaneous repairs that need to be done.
I worried about my relationship with Marty. I wonder if he's going to really see me for who I am and say "I don't need this." I wonder how he could possibly love someone like me that is insecure, worries too much, and is never satisfied. I worry that the year in Alaska will take it's toll and I won't be able to handle it.
I worry about my spirituality. Though for the first time in a very long time an interest is sparked, I worry whether I can follow through with it. My shyness is preventing me from leaping in. I still question a lot of things and am just not sure about it all.
And to sum it all up, I'm worried about being so worried.
I worry about having enough money to pay the bills and get caught up.
I worry that my already bad credit (thanks to my divorce) is going to get worse.
I worry that I won't be able to find a second part time job or a new job in order to make enough money.
I worry about how much I may have screwed up raising Josh as a single parent. I know he has anger management issues that should be dealt with but I can't afford counseling for him.
I worry about my health. Overall I'm doing o.k. and my weight loss is going slow, but going. But not having health insurance scares me. I worry that I haven't had a female check-up in two years. Knowing the health history in my family (Both my mom & sister had hysterectomys before they were 36) I'm worried that by the time I can get health insurance it may be too late.
I'm worried about my car. So far it still gets me from point A to B, but things are falling apart. It's getting leaks and making sounds that it shouldn't. Given the amount of miles I have to put on it, I'm worried that it will fall apart (with my luck in the middle of nowhere) and I'll be stuck.
I'm worried about my house. It's nice to have a roof over my head and a house payment (though I'm a month behind at this point) that is normally affordable. But I have a sewer line that needs to be dug up, heating and air that is costing me a fortune in utility bills, and other miscellaneous repairs that need to be done.
I worried about my relationship with Marty. I wonder if he's going to really see me for who I am and say "I don't need this." I wonder how he could possibly love someone like me that is insecure, worries too much, and is never satisfied. I worry that the year in Alaska will take it's toll and I won't be able to handle it.
I worry about my spirituality. Though for the first time in a very long time an interest is sparked, I worry whether I can follow through with it. My shyness is preventing me from leaping in. I still question a lot of things and am just not sure about it all.
And to sum it all up, I'm worried about being so worried.
Overwhelmed
I just feel overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin. It's been a long time since I've been in this state. Wondering where my life is going and what's going to happen. Being the type of person I am that insists on knowing everything at every moment makes all this difficult. Sometimes I think things will be o.k. and at other times I truly wonder. I question everything and am never satisfied. I hate that I don't have the answers.
I'm sorry. I'm having a self-pity moment. I hope it will pass soon.
I'm a strong person. I know this. I know I'll manage somehow. But sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "I give up!"
The one person I really want to talk to and let all my frustrations and fears out to is out of reach. And I feel quite alone.
Don't get me wrong. I have a few friends. O.k. one or two that live here and then my handful of online friends. Summer & Grumpy have been wonderful offering me their thoughts and support. And it is so very much appreciated. And it does help.
But when I'm sitting here crying for the 4th or 5th time this week, I don't know what to do.
Yeah, just get over it. Suck it up. Deal with it.
Easier said than done.
I'm sorry. I'm having a self-pity moment. I hope it will pass soon.
I'm a strong person. I know this. I know I'll manage somehow. But sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "I give up!"
The one person I really want to talk to and let all my frustrations and fears out to is out of reach. And I feel quite alone.
Don't get me wrong. I have a few friends. O.k. one or two that live here and then my handful of online friends. Summer & Grumpy have been wonderful offering me their thoughts and support. And it is so very much appreciated. And it does help.
But when I'm sitting here crying for the 4th or 5th time this week, I don't know what to do.
Yeah, just get over it. Suck it up. Deal with it.
Easier said than done.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Doing the Math
I've been trying to figure out my finances. Right now if I weren't $1000 behind on bills and was completely caught up, I could pay my bills and buy groceries and have about $10 to spare for emergencies. This is until about June when I no longer have my cousin living with me and paying me $290 a month. Then, I'll be $280 behind. This does not take into account paying for Josh's band camp, buying reeds, haircuts, shoes, clothes etc. God forbid we might need any kind of medical care. If I get my income tax return I can get caught up, but will fall behind as other things will certainly pop up.
Right now I'm applying for part time jobs and working on my resume for a possible teaching position.
I guess I was taking my financial position for granted. When I had extra money I spent it. I took vacations, decorated my house, and enjoyed it. It wasn't always a lot of money, but it was enough to live a "normal" life. I'm not sure what that is any more.
Guess I'm learning yet another life lesson. Thought I already learned that one after being on welfare for four years. At least then I had food stamps and medicaid for health care. It seems when you actually go to work, it simply doesn't pay.
Right now I'm applying for part time jobs and working on my resume for a possible teaching position.
I guess I was taking my financial position for granted. When I had extra money I spent it. I took vacations, decorated my house, and enjoyed it. It wasn't always a lot of money, but it was enough to live a "normal" life. I'm not sure what that is any more.
Guess I'm learning yet another life lesson. Thought I already learned that one after being on welfare for four years. At least then I had food stamps and medicaid for health care. It seems when you actually go to work, it simply doesn't pay.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Gimme a break, would ya?
Most of my loyal readers are quite aware of my financial strain at the moment as I seem to bitch about it regularly. I thought perhaps, just maybe I could get a break. Wishful thinking.
Went to Sunray today. Headed back to Amarillo through Dumas as one usually would do and made a decision to take a road I hadn't gone down before because it was closer to the edge of town and I would avoid more traffic. As I'm driving I'm actually thinking.. "mmm I wonder what the speed limit is?" As soon as that thought pops into my head and I'm driving about 40 mph I see a lovely police officer and the sign that says it's 30 mph. "Darn it". (Though that's not actually the phrase that popped into my head, but I'm trying to keep this journal kind of nice.)
Get pulled over. And OF COURSE I don't have my driver's license because I think my bank stole it. He gave me a ticket for speeding but not the driver's license. I cried until I was about half-way to Amarillo. It just seems to pile on. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. I'm really hoping that the 30 mph sign I did see was the only one on that road. Because if it is, I'm going to fight the ticket. It wasn't posted until a good mile down and the officer clocked me at 40 before I even got to that sign. If not, well, I'm screwed and I'll ask the judge to let me serve jail time or something in lieu of the court costs and fine. I simply cannot afford it right now.
Last night Josh informed me that he lost the check I wrote for his lessons so if it's not found I'll have to put a stop payment on that. (Another $14) He comes home today telling me that he thinks someone took his clarinet by accident after school. Given that they all have the same case it wouldn't be a surprise that it happenedby accident and I really hope that's the case.
Since I can't find my license I'm going to have to get it replaced.
And still no child support. No surprise there.
I hate being a grown-up. I wonder if there's any way I could run away from home.
Went to Sunray today. Headed back to Amarillo through Dumas as one usually would do and made a decision to take a road I hadn't gone down before because it was closer to the edge of town and I would avoid more traffic. As I'm driving I'm actually thinking.. "mmm I wonder what the speed limit is?" As soon as that thought pops into my head and I'm driving about 40 mph I see a lovely police officer and the sign that says it's 30 mph. "Darn it". (Though that's not actually the phrase that popped into my head, but I'm trying to keep this journal kind of nice.)
Get pulled over. And OF COURSE I don't have my driver's license because I think my bank stole it. He gave me a ticket for speeding but not the driver's license. I cried until I was about half-way to Amarillo. It just seems to pile on. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. I'm really hoping that the 30 mph sign I did see was the only one on that road. Because if it is, I'm going to fight the ticket. It wasn't posted until a good mile down and the officer clocked me at 40 before I even got to that sign. If not, well, I'm screwed and I'll ask the judge to let me serve jail time or something in lieu of the court costs and fine. I simply cannot afford it right now.
Last night Josh informed me that he lost the check I wrote for his lessons so if it's not found I'll have to put a stop payment on that. (Another $14) He comes home today telling me that he thinks someone took his clarinet by accident after school. Given that they all have the same case it wouldn't be a surprise that it happenedby accident and I really hope that's the case.
Since I can't find my license I'm going to have to get it replaced.
And still no child support. No surprise there.
I hate being a grown-up. I wonder if there's any way I could run away from home.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
I'm so very tired
It's been a long day. I stayed up last night working on an application for teaching. I'm not quite ready to turn it in, but thought I should perhaps start working on it. I guess I'm going to wait and see how things turn out, but I'm not hopeful. If it really looks like I won't get child support for a while or if it's reduced considerably, then I'll have to talk to my boss about it. It's doubtful that he can make up what I could make teaching.
There's a lot of reasons why going back to teaching would be good. Less travel. Save money on gas. Health insurance. More money. Still have summers off.
But I'd hate it. I shouldn't be so damned pessimistic, but five years of junior high kids really took it's toll. Perhaps high school really would be different. Problem is that there wouldn't be a great deal of availablity in my teaching choices. I absolutely refuse to teach English though I am certified. If I had to go back to teaching, I have to have some standards.
But I also really like my current job. It has a great deal of flexibility, lots of creativity is involved and all my advisers really love me and think I'm wonderful. Going into teaching you deal with kids that could care less about you and the class and are out to make your life as miserable as possible. Maybe it's all in the attitude, but I've been out there. I know.
So I tried to sleep in this morning after staying up until 1:30, but didn't really work. Went to my schools then my aerobics class. It kicked my butt today because I was so tired. So I came home, had some leftovers, watched CSI, and am sitting in bed pondering my financial woes. But I'm almost too tired to think. I think it's time to get some sleep.
There's a lot of reasons why going back to teaching would be good. Less travel. Save money on gas. Health insurance. More money. Still have summers off.
But I'd hate it. I shouldn't be so damned pessimistic, but five years of junior high kids really took it's toll. Perhaps high school really would be different. Problem is that there wouldn't be a great deal of availablity in my teaching choices. I absolutely refuse to teach English though I am certified. If I had to go back to teaching, I have to have some standards.
But I also really like my current job. It has a great deal of flexibility, lots of creativity is involved and all my advisers really love me and think I'm wonderful. Going into teaching you deal with kids that could care less about you and the class and are out to make your life as miserable as possible. Maybe it's all in the attitude, but I've been out there. I know.
So I tried to sleep in this morning after staying up until 1:30, but didn't really work. Went to my schools then my aerobics class. It kicked my butt today because I was so tired. So I came home, had some leftovers, watched CSI, and am sitting in bed pondering my financial woes. But I'm almost too tired to think. I think it's time to get some sleep.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Well It Was Almost a Good Day
I was on the verge of having a pretty decent day. I was beginning to be full of hope. Let me fill you in. Despite having to work all day traveling approximately 160 miles I got home around 3:30. Despite being tired, I actually cleaned the house in anticipation of my cousin coming over for dinner and a movie. Out of the blue I get a call from Marty. Quite unexpected, but pleasant none-the-less. He had to come to Walmart in town to get a lint brush for his uniform. (He only gets a signal in town.) We only chatted for a few minutes, but it felt "normal". He's starting to sound like the old Marty again. I know he's still stressed and all, but I'm trying to be understanding and give him space as needed. I started re-reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." I read a few years ago and thought it was interesting but this time it's starting to make more sense as Marty is definitely from Mars.
So my cousin came over and I made dinner. (Cashew Chicken and it was very tasty TYVM)
We watched the movie "Love Actually". I hadn't seen it. But I loved it. It was a kind of feel good, chick flick movie that I needed. So I'm in a hopeful mood. Things are looking up. Perhaps I was just going through a phase or something.
Then the shit hits the fan so to speak. I've been trying to get information about Josh's dad and the situation with child support. I finally get a response from his soon to be ex-wife. It's not promising. Turns out that his probation officer in DFW area doesn't want his case any more. I didn't realize that one could simply do that. I don't know the reasoning behind it. But because he also has charges from this county he's being forced to move up here. Yes, that's right. He's moving here. I'm not worried about him being in the area, per se, because he is not allowed to have contact with me. But this means he's probably out of a job and I can say good-bye to any hopes of child support any time soon. This means I'm going to either have to get a second job or go back to teaching. So much for needing a new car. I'm going to have to try to figure out how to cut expenses. There's really not much more that I can cut.
Is it possible to ever just have a really nice day?
So my cousin came over and I made dinner. (Cashew Chicken and it was very tasty TYVM)
We watched the movie "Love Actually". I hadn't seen it. But I loved it. It was a kind of feel good, chick flick movie that I needed. So I'm in a hopeful mood. Things are looking up. Perhaps I was just going through a phase or something.
Then the shit hits the fan so to speak. I've been trying to get information about Josh's dad and the situation with child support. I finally get a response from his soon to be ex-wife. It's not promising. Turns out that his probation officer in DFW area doesn't want his case any more. I didn't realize that one could simply do that. I don't know the reasoning behind it. But because he also has charges from this county he's being forced to move up here. Yes, that's right. He's moving here. I'm not worried about him being in the area, per se, because he is not allowed to have contact with me. But this means he's probably out of a job and I can say good-bye to any hopes of child support any time soon. This means I'm going to either have to get a second job or go back to teaching. So much for needing a new car. I'm going to have to try to figure out how to cut expenses. There's really not much more that I can cut.
Is it possible to ever just have a really nice day?
Weighing in on Wednesday
No loss today, but no gain either so I'm happy to report last weeks scale at 176.5 wasn't a fluke.
I've been behaving, mostly. Except for this morning. I had an hour and fifteen minutes to kill between schools and not enough money for Subway. So I went to Sonic and ordered French toast sticks. (It's all Marty's fault) And I didn't get to aerobics yesterday because of having to go to a school that I hadn't planned on and needing to go to the grocery store and then an evening visit for another school. Yeah, I know. Excuses, excuses.
Tonight my cousin is coming over to watch a movie and have dinner. I think I'll make chicken cashew.
I've been behaving, mostly. Except for this morning. I had an hour and fifteen minutes to kill between schools and not enough money for Subway. So I went to Sonic and ordered French toast sticks. (It's all Marty's fault) And I didn't get to aerobics yesterday because of having to go to a school that I hadn't planned on and needing to go to the grocery store and then an evening visit for another school. Yeah, I know. Excuses, excuses.
Tonight my cousin is coming over to watch a movie and have dinner. I think I'll make chicken cashew.
I did it
Well, I did it. I sent an email to the local Catholic church asking about their RCIA classes. I'm still not 100% certain of it all, but felt compelled to do it. After all it's just a question. Doesn't mean I have to do anything yet. I've just been putting off the question for a while now. But I've continued to be drawn to it all. I'm even participating in Lent to some degree.
Marty surprised me the other day saying he was going to go to Mass on Sunday. He didn't make it, but the fact that he said he was going to go really put a little pep in my heart. He's been lapsed for quite a long time now and wasn't even confirmed. I know he's been thinking about going back to the Church too. Perhaps that is the reason we've been drawn together. Sometimes I call it fate or destiny, but I think that perhaps it's the Man upstairs doing His part.
I've been away from church in general for about 14 years now. I've been soured by a lot things like hypocrisy, questioning they why's, and the fact it's a heck of a lot easier to live in sin than it is to be perfect. I'm finally realizing though that I don't have to be perfect because we're simply human. But I also understand that I should live better than what I have. I still have an attachment to sin which makes things more difficult for me, but I still think it's something I should look back into.
Since I started this journey, I have found that there isn't anything in the Catholic teaching that I can't agree with. There are some things I know I'll have a hard time dealing with, but overall it just seems right.
One of my biggest questions regarding religion has been "Who's right?" Among all the denominations who truly has the right answers. For me it's a matter of going back to the beginning. The Catholic Church is the original church of Christ. All the other Christian denominations are from people that broke from the Church thinking they knew better. So for me it's not a matter of which Church any more. It's a matter of whether I can embrace Church life or not. It's also a matter of whether I can get an anullment on my marriage.
So I've taken another step. The first was having the simple curiosity about the church followed by my research. We'll see where it all leads.
Marty surprised me the other day saying he was going to go to Mass on Sunday. He didn't make it, but the fact that he said he was going to go really put a little pep in my heart. He's been lapsed for quite a long time now and wasn't even confirmed. I know he's been thinking about going back to the Church too. Perhaps that is the reason we've been drawn together. Sometimes I call it fate or destiny, but I think that perhaps it's the Man upstairs doing His part.
I've been away from church in general for about 14 years now. I've been soured by a lot things like hypocrisy, questioning they why's, and the fact it's a heck of a lot easier to live in sin than it is to be perfect. I'm finally realizing though that I don't have to be perfect because we're simply human. But I also understand that I should live better than what I have. I still have an attachment to sin which makes things more difficult for me, but I still think it's something I should look back into.
Since I started this journey, I have found that there isn't anything in the Catholic teaching that I can't agree with. There are some things I know I'll have a hard time dealing with, but overall it just seems right.
One of my biggest questions regarding religion has been "Who's right?" Among all the denominations who truly has the right answers. For me it's a matter of going back to the beginning. The Catholic Church is the original church of Christ. All the other Christian denominations are from people that broke from the Church thinking they knew better. So for me it's not a matter of which Church any more. It's a matter of whether I can embrace Church life or not. It's also a matter of whether I can get an anullment on my marriage.
So I've taken another step. The first was having the simple curiosity about the church followed by my research. We'll see where it all leads.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Feeling Better
Marty called me yesterday. I was shocked. Two calls in three days. We actually talked for quite a while. At least an hour. I made him a little mad because I wouldn't listen to him. I explained that simply telling me to not do something without a reason is a moot point. I'm the kind of person that if you want to tell me not to do something, you better give me good reasons for it.
I told him that if I had the money I was going to head to California during spring break to see him. He didn't want me to spend the money to see him. I told that since I don't have the money it's not something I could do, but if I did and after I paid my bills I might do it. We went round and round on this for a while. I made him very frustrated and I was frustrated too, but I think he understood that I just really needed to see him. I told him that I would wait and see which is all I can do anyways, but if I came to see him in either California or Connecticut would be dependent upon how much time he's going to have in Texas before going to Alaska. He said he understood that.
I have a feeling he's realizing now what he's gotten himself in to. I told him that I gave him fair warning explaining what I was like and that I'm a difficult person to love sometimes. He told me that he was sure he could handle it. I wonder if he still feels this way.
It's not that I like being insecure and questioning everything and tormenting him. (O.k. maybe I like tormenting a little)
I have to quit being so damn selfish. I read a blog today that really summed it all up.
Will quote from Martha Martha's blog:
Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.
~ HenriNouwen society
Ain't that the truth?
I told him that if I had the money I was going to head to California during spring break to see him. He didn't want me to spend the money to see him. I told that since I don't have the money it's not something I could do, but if I did and after I paid my bills I might do it. We went round and round on this for a while. I made him very frustrated and I was frustrated too, but I think he understood that I just really needed to see him. I told him that I would wait and see which is all I can do anyways, but if I came to see him in either California or Connecticut would be dependent upon how much time he's going to have in Texas before going to Alaska. He said he understood that.
I have a feeling he's realizing now what he's gotten himself in to. I told him that I gave him fair warning explaining what I was like and that I'm a difficult person to love sometimes. He told me that he was sure he could handle it. I wonder if he still feels this way.
It's not that I like being insecure and questioning everything and tormenting him. (O.k. maybe I like tormenting a little)
I have to quit being so damn selfish. I read a blog today that really summed it all up.
Will quote from Martha Martha's blog:
Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.
~ HenriNouwen society
Ain't that the truth?
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