Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My apologies

I was trying to post with some regularity, but alas, life gets in the way again. I had a great trip to San Antonio, though it was brief. I got some great rides in on Saturday morning. Fiesta Texas was very hospitable as always. They provided lunch and dinner and all sorts of extras for us - like free drinks. I get spoiled when I go to events like this because after being able to ride a coaster five times in a row it stinks to have to wait in line for an hour for just one ride on a coaster.

I'm still behind with work and I don't think I'll ever catch up. My to-do list just keeps growing. This week we're having a mission at our church which means we have something every evening at 7:00. Of course I don't have to go, but I want to so that means that homework and everything else gets put on hold. Last night I was up until 11:00 doing an assignment. I had to get it submitted by midnight and once again, I waited until the last minute. Once again, I'm not 100% happy with the work I did on it but it will probably be o.k. The last assignment that I submitted that I did not care for I got a 100 on... so I guess perhaps I'm just too much of a perfectionist.

I had a headache at school today. Actual headaches for me are rather rare. I don't know if it is because I didn't get enough sleep or what but it started on the way to school this morning and just got worse. I left at lunch to go pick something up and I went to Walmart and got some Excedrin (and chocolate). I picked up a coke and my lunch and took two Excedrin when I got back to school. It did the trick, but I'm still wondering why I had the headache in the first place. I know they just sometimes happen, but I'm not one that gets them very often (knock on wood).

I am debating whether or not I am going to the mission tonight. Tonight's topic is confession which should be good, but part of me just wants to stay at home. But then I also think I need to work more on my relationship with God and it would be good for me. I don't really need to go to confession because I just went the weekend before last and don't have any major sins but I should probably at least hear the message and then perhaps I can just head out early. Even if I stayed home, I'm 95% sure that I wouldn't do the work I need to do. I really need to get to bed early tonight. Maybe if I go to bed early, I'll be able to get up early and get to school early tomorrow. (Yeah, right.)

Well, I'm going to scrounge around and find a quick bite to eat and then head out to church. Then I'm NOT going to grade papers or do homework - but probably just call it an early night. Oh well. Call me lazy. Mostly I'm just tired.

**Edit: I did go to church and I even went to confession again. I didn't have a lot to say - but was able to get a few things off my chest - a few venial sins - and am thankful for the continuing grace of forgiveness. I just have to say that as much as confession still makes me nervous - I appreciate its purpose and the forgiveness it provides. I still love being Catholic.**

Monday, October 19, 2009

The crazy life

Yesterday was a full day. Since I went to church on Saturday, I didn't have to go to Mass on Sunday. I slept in a little bit and then did the review and quiz for my cataloging class. Thankfully I made a perfect score on the first try. The subject is getting a little more hairy, but I'm still managing to follow it pretty well. Figuring out subject headings is a bit confusing.
After I did that, I went to Amarillo for Diocesan choir rehearsal. I did that until almost 4:00. After that I went to help my friend Pam with a computer issue and then we went to dinner at a Mexican food restaurant. I left and went to the grocery store to get things for Josh. I sent him a care package in the mail today.
After I got home I did homework for school. I stayed up until 11:00 doing that and then had to call it a night.

Today was o.k. for a Monday. I'm starting to teach Beowulf but some of my kids are falling asleep in class. I should probably do something about it but since I'm going to let them use their notes on the quizzes, I guess those that follow along will do better than the others. I left school right at 4:00 so I could get back home and to the post office before it closed at 4:30. I mailed Josh's package to him as well as a little care package for Marty as a get well wish. (Yes, we still stay in touch and remain friends. Yes, I still love him and probably always will, but accept the fact that we can never be together.)

Tonight I finished the other half of my grad school homework and got it submitted. I just spent the last hour and a half creating index card reminders of all the cataloging rules so that I could get this week's exam done before I head for San Antonio. I still have a million things on the agenda but I'm going to just do them one at a time.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Well, I tried give him the opportunity to clear things up but for me it's over. Mostly it is the realization that he wasn't "it" for me and I knew that he never would be. The way he deals with things is to not deal with them and I can't handle that. There are other things too, but I know it's just not in the cards. The fact that he's already put up a profile on match.com is another sure sign that he's moved on.

For myself, I went to confession today and while it was difficult, it was very relieving. I feel like I'm getting a fresh start. I need to quit seeking my will and focus more on God's plans for me. Being the control freak that I am makes that difficult, but I feel like I can at least try again.... or let God work on me a bit.

I played at Mass tonight which means I don't have to go in the morning. I do have things to accomplish tomorrow, however. The list is never ending. I also have diocesan choir rehearsal as well. I guess I should get a few things done tonight before I go to bed.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Plans are set

Last night I rejoined ACE. I signed up for the event at Fiesta Texas. I've reserved hotel rooms for my trip. On Friday I'm driving down to Junction, TX after school. Luckily we have an early out that day. Then I'll drive into San Antonio on Saturday morning and go directly to the park. I'll enjoy the ERT (Exclusive Ride Time) that morning on my favorite coasters and enjoy the park the rest of the day. I'll head back on Sunday morning. I know it's a quick trip down there and back, but I've made quicker ones. One year when Josh made all-state band, I drove down halfway on Friday after school, then went to his concert on Saturday, had lunch and then drove home. Of course we can't forget the trip where I went down there and had the stomach flu while driving home.

Still haven't heard from Thomas. I sent him an email tonight just asking if things are over. I just don't like to be left "hanging on" so to speak. Unless we can resolve the issue, then in my mind it is over. I just don't know if that is going to happen.

Josh is doing great in school. He absolutely loves college. It suits him perfectly. He has already had a lot of great opportunities there. His favorite band composer, Mark Camphouse, came and directed his band for a concert. He also got to sit on a master class with him. Now he's getting involved in the scoring of a movie that the university produces every year. The theater department puts it together and the composition department gets to score the music for it. He calls me at least every week to tell me what's going on. Of course he finally added me on facebook so I can keep up with him that way as well.

I think I have choir rehearsal tomorrow. I should go check my schedule. If you haven't noticed.. I'm trying to post more regularly. I think right now it is simply because I'm avoiding other stuff.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

So much for a relationship

I'm thinking I no longer have a boyfriend... but I'm really not certain. I sent him a text message today to the effect that if he really isn't a chance to see each other next weekend to let me know so I could make other plans. I also mentioned that I was sorry that what I said bothered him and I hoped that he would consider it from my perspective. The response I got from him was "go ahead and make other plans." So I did. I've been wanting to get back into ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) and start going to events again. I haven't been in probably five years now. There is an event next weekend that I wanted to go to but I decided I couldn't if that was the weekend that Thomas could visit. And since he can't/won't and won't let me visit him, I decided to hell with it all and that I was going to head to San Antonio and go to Fiesta Fest. It is my favorite park with some of my favorite coasters and I just want to be able to take a break from everything right now and find some enjoyment. Do I really have time for this? No. But I just don't care. I'm so stressed out by everything else that I think that I really need this break.

I haven't heard from Thomas all day other than the text message he responded to. He hasn't gotten online so I'm getting the silent treatment again. But I'm not really all that upset. The fact that he doesn't want me to visit him is very disconcerting for me. It makes me wonder what he is hiding. So I'm just going to go with my instincts right now and let it go. I would love to be in a relationship with someone, but perhaps it's just not in the cards for me right now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Just Stuff

Well, I seem to have hot and cold days with my English class. Some days I can't stand them and then other days they're perfectly fine. In truth, I really like the kids I have - it's just sometimes the mix of them make them difficult to manage. Surprisingly those that I've given detentions to have come through and served them for the most part. I still have one that hasn't which means he'll end up with an office referral and then get an ISS (in school suspension). I'm finally teaching Beowulf. Today I read the first part of it to them and now they're doing a brief writing assignment on it. I still haven't read the whole thing - I mostly stay about a day ahead of them. This year I'm once again flying by the seat of my pants. I often wish there was a time that I didn't always have so much to do. Then again, if I didn't have something pressing at every waking moment, I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself.

I'm not sure what my relationship status with Thomas is right now. He's dealing with a lot stuff and we left some issues unresolved (in my mind at least) last night. He doesn't think he'll come to visit in on the 23rd and though I've offered to travel up there, he won't offer the invitation. He just called and I reminded him of the conversation we had because he didn't think anything between us had changed and though he apologized for being insensitive, issues still remain unresolved. I asked him about the reason why he doesn't want me to come up there and in my mind it isn't particularly valid. He went on to say that he just isn't comfortable with that yet and that sends up a red flag in my mind. I told him so and at that point he didn't want to talk any more. So I guess we'll see if he decides to "deal" again at some point.

In happy news I got the new post secret book today. I can't tell you how much I love post secret. This week I played a video of secrets for my speech class and they had to write a journal on it. Now they are working on their personal profiles which is one of my favorite projects (along with appreciative listening). It would be so nice if my schedule was that I could teach speech classes all day. I think I could do so much more with those classes if I actually had time to prepare for them.

Ok, I'm feeling guilty once again. Tonight I made myself a bloody mary and I'm watching Mythbusters instead of grading papers. But part of me really doesn't care. I am thinking of having another drink, enjoying a great show on duct tape and then going to bed early. So sue me.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Where Am I?

Andrew (my number one fan) asked where I am. To be honest... I have no idea. I am still totally overwhelmed with work that I don't know where to begin. I was gone to convention for three days. During the time that I was not attending meetings (and sometimes during the meetings) I updated my coachingspeech website that I hadn't updated in a year. I put in probably 15 hours of time on the site and have it mostly updated. I still haven't finished editing last year's yearbook or making the changes needed to get it submitted. I'm going to start teaching Beowulf this week but am still unprepared for it but going to get started regardless. I haven't turned in lesson plans for the last two weeks. My speech classes are trucking along simply because I already have the materials I've used the last four years. Nevermind any grand ideas of going beyond what I've always done. My house is slowly turning back into disarray. My cataloging course is going well - I made a 100 on a quiz the first time I took it recently which was a nice feeling. I seem to just "get it" when it comes to cataloging. Maybe that means I was meant to be a librarian. My other course is fine in general except that I probably turned in the worst paper I've ever done. It was certainly not up to my own standards, but I put it off until the last minute (and really didn't have time to work on it) so I threw it together tonight. I submitted it anyway and will just hope for the best. The rest of my grades in the class are good so hopefully it won't kill me too much.

I hate the fact that I don't like being a teacher this year. In the past, I've had some bad days and good days but overall, I at least didn't mind teaching for the most part. This year, I hate it. I got a horrible report on my class from hell while I was gone. I'm sick of trying to teach a subject that I despise teaching. I love the idea of English and grammar and literature - but not when it comes to teaching others about it. I'm a stickler for good grammar most of the time (don't judge my blog, however, as I don't often proof read) but that is simply for myself. I am just unhappy in my job right now and that just brings down life in general. Sure, it's nice to have a boyfriend (when he's not sick and uncommunicative) but I wish I simply had more down time. Yeah, I know I like to be lazy and sometimes I still am which means I scramble but it seems that I'm constantly having to do something. You know I felt GUILTY this weekend when I got home from convention at 8:00 p.m. on Saturday and I didn't do any school work. I did end up doing more work on the website but that's something I enjoyed doing and haven't been able to do in a long time.

I'm sorry I'm whining so much. I really hope that I'm doing the right thing by pursuing my library degree. I can't tell you how badly I want to get out of the classroom. I've decided that if I do it right, I'll be able to graduate in December of 2010. Of course, that doesn't mean I'll get a library job in the middle of the year, but at least I'll have the certification and master's degree and I can start in the 2011 school year - which at this point seems incredibly far away. But maybe there is a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, I guess that's enough for now. I'm going to bed despite the work that still awaits in my bag beside the chair. I'm just too burned out to focus at this point.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Just Tired

I feel exhausted. I guess I still have remnants of the sickness I had two weeks ago. I still have laryngitis though it is getting a little better. Even though I went to bed at a decent hour last night, I felt tired all day. I came home had a quick snack and then laid down for a bit. I didn't sleep really, but just rested. I got up after an hour or so and made something for dinner. I need to do homework, but I just don't think I can concentrate tonight. I don't have to do a post until tomorrow evening so I think I'll hold off. I have to get up rather early tomorrow in preparation for picture day at school. At least it is Friday. Next week I only have to be at school two days. I'll be headed to convention in Dallas.

I think I'm going to fly to Denver on the 23rd to meet Thomas. We're going to go ride coasters at Elitch Gardens. It is still open during weekends and that's a park that I've never been to. I think it will be a great trip.