Monday, January 31, 2005

I'm accomplishing stuff... really.

Well first of all, I got to sleep in today. It was amazing. I didn't get up until 9. My first appointment was at 10:30. Stayed until 12:30. Then I came home and had leftover chili and rice. Then I actually did some yearbook work! Woo Hoo!
Then I went to visit with the band booster president about the concession stand that I generously offered to run. After that, I went to see one of my former yearbook advisers and chatted for a bit. Then on to the band hall to see the band director regarding the concession stand. Found out that I was going to be getting the items although he said that he was. So made plans to do that on Wednesday afternoon.
Then I came home. Read my blogs. Decided to make chicken parmesan for supper. But first I had to go visit another school. Came home and made chicken parmesan with linguini and it was damn good if I say so myself. (Josh said it was too.)
Yes, I ate late again tonight, but didn't leave the school until 7:00. I may just have to fudge on the eating after 7:30 thing. I'm really trying not to eat too late... like 9:00 or so. I have been drinking a lot of tea with splenda though so I'm still doing pretty well. We'll see how Wedensday's weigh-in goes.
Talked to Marty tonight. Is it just me or do guys just not "get it" sometimes? Let me ask you this... when you're in a relationship with someone, is it o.k. to still flirt with other people when it's "harmless"? Just wanting to know your two cents on the matter. Feel free to tell me what you think. I'll share my opinion on the matter after everyone else comments.
Well, I'm going to go read for a bit, then go to sleep and guess what? I get to sleep in tomorrow too!!

Well that's interesting

Good to know I help with dandruff. LOL.


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Sunday, January 30, 2005

Sunday update

Well, I cleaned the kitchen. I went to the grocery store. I remembered I had a $15 Walmart gift card so I used it and then spent $35. ($10 over, but hopefully I'll get David's rent check on Mon or Tues.) Started some laundry. Cleaned my bedroom some. (You can actually walk in there without walking all over clothes) Made chili and rice for supper. (No beans!) Spent some time on Marty's project. I'm wondering if he'll grace me with a phone call tonight. I know I could call him, but it's the principal of the thing, you know? Haven't done any yearbook work yet, but am at least thinking about it. I need to type some Prison Pete letters too. Got an IM from a 23 year old that thought I was single. I guess the "Long-term relationship" listed under marital status is a bit confusing. Now I'm thinking of having another thin-mint cookie before 7:30. I'm still sticking to the plan fairly well. I did have popcorn last night after 7:30. And I haven't made up missing my aerobics class. (There's sleety/snowy stuff coming down now) Despite that, it's working. The weight is coming off.
Well, off to have that cookie and maybe more work. Or maybe t.v.

Rainy Sunday

Well Sunday is here and it's raining. Duh, you gathered that from my headline, huh? Well, I need to make some plans for today. I spent yesterday working on a project for Marty. I can't say anything about it because he might shock me and actually read my blog. I'm still a little put out by the fact that he didn't call me yesterday though he said the day before that he would. But I won't get into that. Going to try to not bitch here today.
Today I MUST clean my house and do laundry. And maybe I'll get that lighted tree in my living room put away. (Quit laughing... it's not February yet!)
I would like to get some yearbook stuff done as well. I need to figure out how to effectively spend my last $25 on groceries so we can eat the next few days. It's starting to feel like I'm back on welfare. What? Does that surprise you? I was a single parent all through college. Didn't get any help from Josh's dad. What else could I do? It wasn't the end of the world. But I was one of the rare exceptions that actually got off welfare when Josh was four.
Well, I think I'll go start in the kitchen.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Marty Update

Got a call from Marty today. He worried me a bit because he left a message on my cell phone that said, "I have news. Give me a call." This was at 12:30 this afternoon. Him calling me in the afternoon with news is not a good sign. So I call him back. And he doesn't answer. Now I worry more. But the news isn't all bad and may actually be pretty good in some respects.
He's heading to Alaska early. Probaly end of March. Then he'll come back to the mainland and go to his school in California for a month, and then back up to Alaska. Good news is that because he's going early, he'll get out early. He may return as early as March-May next year instead of June. So he's still coming down here to bring his truck. He'll be here in the early part of March depending on how much leave he has. I'd still like to go see him in Feb. but given that I STILL don't have a child support check, it's not looking like a possibility. I know I'm going on about this, but it is really creating a problem for me financially. I should have known better than to think that I'd get it regularly. It seems every 6 or 7 months or so, something happens and it's not paid on time. I just wish that they would let me know it was going to be late so I could plan for it. I could work around it if I knew. I asked them nicely in a letter I sent this summer to let me know if it was going to be late. I'm still dependent on it right now. And having to get another car will mean I will really be dependent on it. It's not like I take the money and go buy myself jewelry and stuff. I really use it for bills, house payment, food, music lessons, reeds, hair cuts, shoes, etc. I truly admire those men out there that take their fatherhood responsibly. It took a good 5 years to even start receiving child support. And then it was haphazard as to when I'd get it. This was when it was only $120 a month. I didn't even ask for an increase in child support until 2003 when Josh was 12. It would be nice if it could be taken out of his paycheck, but since he's self-employed, I guess I'll get it when I get it. It all comes down to that dependence thing. I'm not very good at that. It's a problem in my relationships. I have a hard time depending on others because it seems I'm constantly let down. Marty has surprised me, but I'm still wary. Sometimes baggage really sucks.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

My and my big mouth

I got an email the other day from Josh's band director asking for volunteers to help with the concession stand. So I said I'd help, thinking I'd work a few hours and then move along. But I've been asked to be in charge of the concession stand. I guess it's a compliment to me. And I do want to be actively involved with Josh's music stuff. I hope I'm not getting in over my head though. I guess I can handle it. What's a few candy bars, nachos and cokes any way? I used to work at the Wal-Mart snack bar. This should be a piece of cake. Mmmmm cake.
I'm still researching cars. I've narrowed done my list of those I want to test drive. I'd start shopping, except I still haven't gotten child support. I'd rather be current on my bills and get a few things paid down before going to the bank and asking for a loan. Good news is that Richard finally made his bike payment and it wasn't too late.
I've been doing a pretty good job keeping up with my new journal. I do an exercise almost every day. I also have a new Catholic book I'm reading. It's been the most informative of all.
Work has been quite busy. I visited five schools today. I missed my workout class. I'll have to make it up by walking or something this weekend. I hope the weather warms up. I do have an exercise tape that I haven't really ever done, so maybe I'll try that.
My life isn't really that interesting at the moment. Wish I had something insightful to say, but at a loss for words right now.

That's a relief

I am 16% loser. What about you? Click here to find out!

It's good to know I'm not a loser. I was worried for a bit.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Wednesday Weigh-In Success

I weighed this morning and it was a good day! Scale said 180 lbs. so that was a loss of 2.5 lbs. I know that my weight may still fluctuate some, but am hopeful it will continue to go down.
I've still done pretty well. No fast food other than one Subway sandwhich. I've pretty much stuck to everything except for eating past 7:30 on the nights I have aerobics. I may have to bend that rule some as I don't get home until 7:00.
Well off to work today!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Guess I'm not as Nerdy as I thought

But I do still like nerds. :)

I am nerdier than 32% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

Bad News-Good News-Bad News-Good News

That bad news is that my dad thinks I need to plan to get a new car. Mine is still running but he says it sounds like the transmission wants to go and I should get rid of it before it does. I was hoping to drive it a little longer but I guess with almost 200,000 miles it's about time.
The good news is I'm going to get a new car!
That bad news is I really don't want another car payment and I'm not certain about getting financing because of my ex-husband's motorcycle that is still jointly in our name.
The good news is that I've almost paid all my small credits off. The only credit I'll have hopefully when I apply will be my two visas and the bike.
The bad news is that I still haven't gotten child support and it will be difficult to pay those things off and get a new car without it.
The good news is that dad talked about refinancing the house and getting extra money to help pay for the car or possibly my credit cards. That would mean the house would get fixed up (including the sewer line).
The bad news is that I'd have to do some work on the house and I'm not at all certain it would get done.
The good news is that my dad may want to drive to Florida this summer to take a cruise and I could go with him in the RV which would save on gas & hotels.
The bad news is that my income tax refund had to be refigured slightly and I'm getting about $200 less back than I thought I was.
The good news is that my car is worth more than I originally though even as a trade-in. If I sell it outright, that might mean money in my pocket.
The bad news is that I'll have to get it detailed and put a new windshield in it beforehand.
The good news is that if I get a new car it will drive better than my current one (hopefully).
The bad news is that I haven't lost any weight.
The good news is that I haven't gained any weight either. We'll see what the official weigh-in brings tomorrow.
Bad news is I have a ton of stuff to get done now and must leave the blog.
Good news is that I have the afternoon off!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Accomplished something today

You won't believe it. I actually did something amazing today. I did my taxes. I actually had to do my taxes for both 2003 and 2004. But I did it And I'm getting money back. Wooohoooo! I may delay filing them for a little while so I won't be tempted to spend the money. I think I'll use it for our summer coaster trip. I think we've decided on Florida.
I got everything figured and realized that you can type on the .pdf files that you can download from the IRS website. So I started printing out the very pretty forms. And my printer ran out of ink. Wouldn't you know it? And it was after 7 p.m. when Best Buy closes. So I'll have to wait and get more ink tomorrow.
Now I must go do laundry or I will have to visit my schools naked tomorrow. Though I'm sure there are those that might appreciate my nakedness, I'm thinking it would not be a good thing. So I'm off.


I'm a person that has always loved sleep. When I was younger I could sleep until noon or later. I am NOT a morning person. So why is it now that I go to sleep after midnight but am wide awake at 7:30 in the morning? I was dreaming, darn it. I wanted to go back to sleep and dream some more, but I just couldn't. It's Sunday for goodness sake. I don't HAVE to get up early. I forced myself to stay in bed. I tried to go back to sleep. But I gave up when the phone rang shortly before nine. I don't know if it's just an age thing or what, but I've found that for about the past year I haven't had so many issues with getting up early. (Yes, 7:30 is early) Maybe it's because I'm not constantly depressed any more. Maybe it's because I'm exercising more. Maybe I've just become an adult. I don't know how my mother did it. For her job she would get up at 5 a.m. every day. I guess you get used to it. I know that when I was teaching it was still a struggle for me to get up at 6:30 every day. Now I'm finding that even days when I don't HAVE to get up early, I can't sleep in. I guess it means I should be more productive. For instance I should be doing laundry and cleaning my house right now. Why not? I'm awake aren't I? But no, I'm sitting here in bed reading blogs, checking email. Do I have to be a grown-up today?

Friday, January 21, 2005


I'm so glad it's Friday. It's been a long week already. But I did make it to both my aerobics classes and have stuck to my plan (not diet) pretty well. I can't use the term diet because they simply don't work because I can't and won't stick to them. When they limit what I can eat, it just sucks for someone like me that likes food, but only certain foods. Alas, the world of the picky eater. So far I haven't really cheated. I did eat a little late on the nights I had aerobics class, but I have not had any fast food and no more than one coke a day.
Still haven't heard on child support. Still trying to decide what bills to pay and which to not pay.
I may have won a new yearbook account. That's always a good thing.
Marty is feeling worse today even after having antibiotics. I hope he's o.k. I wish I could be there to take care of him.
The new episode of Monk comes on tonight. That is very exciting.
That's all the exciting news in my world.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Is it Friday Yet?

Today was a full day of school visits. Solved a few problems. Went to my aerobics class. Worked up a good sweat. Was huffing a bit after the first 15 minutes, but kind of got a second wind after 30 min. I could feel the soreness in my abs today. But I'm getting through it as best as I can. I hope it's working. I've still not had any fast food. I did eat about 10 minutes late tonight, but have only had one coke today.
Marty is still sick as a dog. He finally consented to going to the doctor and he finally has some antibiotic. He figured that when his temp reached 102 he needed to go.
I've got to get some work done tonight for one of my schools tomorrow. Nothing like putting things off until the last minute. Story of my life.
I finally called about child support today but didn't get to talk to H. Left a message to call me back, but haven't heard anything. Don't know if she will. I have the feeling she's mad at me about the situation her husband is in. (Josh's dad) But he brought it on himself and he probably made me look like the bad person. Which is so far from the truth. I have a feeling he might not have been completely honest with her... imagine that. But he tells me that she pays the bills and I'm getting to the point that I can't hold off on my bills any longer. I'm trying to get to a point where I don't have to truly depend on child support but I'm definitely not there yet. I really need my other ex (not Josh's dad) to get his bike refinanced so I can get a loan to pay my debts off. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Here's two views of the ring I got at my meeting. Jewelry is aways good. It even has two diamonds on the sides. The picture doesn't do it justice.  Posted by Hello

Wasted Day

I made two trips to Amarillo today and didn't see a single adviser. So I basically had the day off other than the 80 miles of driving. But it's still frustrating. I guess I should be thankful it wasn't someplace far like Hedley or Bovina.
So now I could catch up on work, clean my house, or take a nap. I'm leaning towards the nap.

Wednesday Weigh-In

O.k. I figure Wednesday is as good a day as any to post my weight progress. Plus it makes for nice alliteration.
Drum roll please.... o.k. maybe not.
My starting weight officially today is 182.5. That's actually pretty good as at one point I peaked at 186 over the holidays and have been hanging around 183-184. It's still better than my all time high at 203.
After the major weight loss last year I did get officially down to 173 at one point but mostly hung around 178 for the majority of the time. (an official total of 25 lbs and two dress sizes)
But I still want to get down a few more sizes and be healthier and feel better about myself. I hope to lose at least 10 pounds by spring break. And another 15 at least by the end of summer. I think it's a realistic goal and I'm going to let you guys that read my blog monitor my progress. Wish me luck as I KNOW I'm going to need it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Well said....

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Marriage is like an empty bowl; it will remain empty unless you put more into it than you take out. Although it is possible to give without loving, you cannot love without giving.

Almost a success

Well, I started my new "plan" today for losing weight. I did mostly good. For lunch, I had a lunchable. I only had one caffeinated beverage (arizona tea). I went to the aerobics class which kicked my butt, but I survived it. I've had no alcohol, though I did want a drink when I got home. The only thing I missed on today was not eating after 7:30.

But it wasn't my fault... yeah, yeah.... excuses, excuses.

I was at my workout class from 5:30-6:30. Then I had to head to the grocery store as we were basically out of food. I thought I'd have enough time to get home by about 7:15 but no such luck. It took 30 minutes just to check out. Aaarrrrgggghhhh.

So for dinner... a little after 8:00, I had a chicken ceasar salad.

Tomorrow I'll do a naked weigh in and let ya'll know where my starting point is and then can keep track of my progress.

I'm totally exhausted right now and plan to be in bed by 10:00. My house is a bit of a wreck at the moment, but I'm too tired to really care about it or do anything about it.

Monday, January 17, 2005

There's a few out there

If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, and whom you would not have met without the Internet, post this sentence in your journal.

There's a few out there. Patrick is one. Unless he's mad at me for posting about him in my journal. He hasn't talked to me in a few days. Sounds like things are going well in his new relationship. I am very happy for him.

And technically I wouldn't be with Marty without the internet since he found me via

And there are my new blog friends: Summer, Pete, Jim (Pete's editor), etc...

So, yes, the internet has been a great way to find new friends. Given that I don't have that many real friends that I see from time to time (several live far away) it's great to have those I've found on here.

It's not a resolution

O.k. this is not going to be a resolution. I don't make those any more since I tend to break them. But I do need to do something about my weight. I think I have a plan and I'm going to post it here for all to see and let you guys keep me in check. Because I know myself, I know what I'm capable of doing and not doing. I'm incapable of really changing what I eat. I can't do the Atkins or go vegetarian. I can control the amounts and how often which I do plan to do, but I also have some ideas. I'm going to call this the no fast food diet. I think that's where I'm really gaining these days since I'm eating out 4-5 days a week it seems. Here's the rules I'm imposing on myself:
No more fast food for the next two months. This means pretty much places with a drive-through. I can still go to sit down restaurants as long as I dine there. No take-out. The only exception to this rule will be Subway. There are times I have to eat on the road and I may not have time for a sit down restaurant.
I'm also going to take another workout class, but this time it will be regular aerobics. Twice a week. If I skip a class I have to make it up with an hour of other exercise.
I'm going to TRY to eat breakfast, but I can't promise it on a daily basis. I am at least going to make a concerted effort.
No alcohol for two months.
One soft drink a day. After that, tea or water only.
NO eating after 7:30 p.m.

We'll see how this goes. I expect that if I follow this plan I will lose at least 10 lbs by spring break. My ultimate goal for now is to lose a total of 35 lbs and be a size 12 by the end of summer.

Keep checking up on me. I'm going to account for my progress here in my blog.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Home Sweet Home

Made it home safe and sound. It's a lot colder here. Obviously. But when I left it was getting up to the 60's here and now it's in the 20's. Flight was uneventful which is always good. I generally like flying and don't mind it, but I do still get just a twinge of nervousness for some reason. I know that flying is much safer than driving, but still the thought of plunging to the ground from about 30,000 feet pops into my head from time to time. I'm not always a "religious" person and if you've read my blog for any time, you know it's something I'm kind of dealing with right now. But I have this habit of always trying to fly with my mini New Testament Bible with me. It's kind of a strange superstition. But if I don't fly with it, I worry a lot more. O.k. I'm a weirdo, I know... or as Marty would say, "You're a freak."
Marty is still sick. He hasn't shaken it and it seems to have gotten a little worse since leaving here. I feel sorry for him. I wish he felt better. I'm still amazed that I haven't gotten sick. (Hang on, I should knock on wood)
The meeting in San Antonio was pretty good overall. I got some answers to some questions I had about one of my yearbook issues. I also got a preview of what's to come for next year and beyond. Some of it was a waste of my time. Saturday afternoon was full of a session called "strategic selling". Since I don't really spend time selling it didn't do much for me.
My ring is beautiful though. It's antiqued white gold with an amythest stone. It also has two very small diamonds on the sides of it. I'll take a picture of it at some point and post it on here.
I hated the fact that I missed Josh's all-region band concert. I told my boss about it and he said that I could have flown home early instead. I guess I should have asked about that earlier, but didn't really think about it.
I still haven't received child support and I'm getting a bit ancy about it. I'm not really in the mood to call. But I do need the money to pay bills.
I have the day off tomorrow. Wooooo Hoooooo! I MUST do some work and get caught up, but I'm definitely sleeping in. I'm going to try to get the office clean. And perhaps I'll even take down the Christmas decorations. Don't laugh.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Non-Party Girl

I'm a fuddy duddy. I really don't know how to have fun. Unless there's a rollercoaster to ride, I'm at a loss. I'm here in San Antonio; an evening with nothing to do and I'm sitting in my hotel room watching t.v. and surfing the net. I already took a bath. I have some books to read.
I went to the mall earlier.
I have nobody to do anything with. I really have no "friends" within the company. I know a few people from my training 5 years ago, but nobody that I really hang out with. My boss went to a game tonight. I don't feel comfortable going out alone. I couldn't even bring myself to eat at a nice restaurant by myself. I got a sandwich to go instead.
I guess I'm kind of a loner. I don't have the ability to just go and meet new people. That's why I hate the sales part of my job. If a school asks to see me because they're interested in what I may have to offer, that's one thing... making a cold call is another.
Being shy really sucks sometimes.

Mmmm... if I could really be 27 again...

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

General Updates

Heater is working well right now. So I'm no longer freezing. Though it would be nice to still have a snuggle partner.
Work is quite busy. I'm travelling all day long with 3-5 schools visited daily. Still have some other work to do, but hope to catch up on it while I'm in San Antonio.
Speaking of which, I'll be going to San Antonio on Thursday. Flying out dark and early at 6:30 a.m. It should be a nice trip. The company always has a nice shindig. I'll have to do some walking between the hotel and convention center... but I guess it will be about the same as it was in Vegas from the hotel room to the convention area. I'm getting a ring and my hotel is right next to a shopping center. Shopping and jewelry... what more could I ask for?
Marty and I are still o.k. Still miss him a lot. He's getting things ready for his next tour of duty in Alaska. He now knows that he'll be going to California for training at the end of April through the end of May and then head up to Alaska from there. I want to go see him, but have to worry about finances right now and he doesn't really know what's going to be happening to him in CT for the next few months since his job there is in limbo. I know I have to get used to being away from him, but I want to hold out to the last possible second.
So I went shopping yesterday. What better way to de-stress and get out of the funk? Dillards was having a 75% off sale. I really did need a new pair of khaki pants. And I found a pair for $9. As well as two other pair of black pants, and 3 tops. But I'll be cute!!
I still haven't received child support, however. This is the first time it's been this late in about 7-8 months. I hope it comes soon. I really don't want to call. Given that Josh's dad isn't allowed to have contact with us. (Perhaps the story another time) Let's put it this way... I seem to have discovered that I have lousy taste in men. I am hoping that Marty is the exception. Because generally, I don't see how terrible they are until it's too late. I guess I tend to fall for the "bad boys" but I really don't want too. But sometimes the "nice guys" are too boring. I'm thinking Marty is kind of in the middle... but more on the "nice" side. (One of those things that's both good and bad) Why are relationships so confusing and complicated?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

On loneliness

I know what depression is. I’ve been there. I was on paxil, zoloft, and elavil (not at the same time) for about 2 years during my marriage. It sucks to be depressed. I’m glad I’m not living in that state any more. Yes, I still have bad days once in a while. And missing Marty makes it difficult sometimes, but I have learned that my happiness can’t be based on another person. I read an article the other day that made a good point about that. It said,
“It’s when you view yourself as powerless, with your worth dependent on how someone else treats you, that love gets corruppted. Letting men determine who we are is the negative hinge that turns desire into vulnerability, changes our bodies from sites of pleasure to sites of betrayal, and transforms solitude into loneliness. I think that when people say they’re lonley, what they’re really saying is that they don’t like their own company. And something should be done about that, because if you don’t like your own company, then you’re the victim of whoever passes by.”

A while back I had a conversation with Patrick about being lonely. He seemed to think that all it would take is having someone special in his life, someone to love to be happy. I think that if he really feels that his happiness is based on that, he’s in for a huge surprise. I’m glad that he’s found someone and it seems to be going well for him, but he needs to learn to love himself too. (Sorry Patrick)

I am glad to have found Marty. I am happy with him. Sometimes I’m frustrated by him. He brings a smile to my face and makes me feel good. But even without him I would be o.k. (No, we’re not breaking up or anything) But the point is that even if we did, it would be painful and hurt for a while, but I would still live and move on. Just as I know he would. (Though I would personally hope that he’d be miserable and couldn’t live without me.) I read several other blogs and see other’s frustrations and pains. We all have them. But sometimes it’s really a matter of perspective sometimes.

I read a blog called “The Grumpy Old Man” written by a not so old guy dealing with some hard stuff right now including a battle with mental illness. He posted about being lonely today. I hope he doesn’t mind, but I’m quoting his blog here and putting in my two cents worth. My words will be in italics.

"Loneliness is…."

Sitting here in front of this stupid computer reading about other people’s lives and feeling left out.
Sitting here in front of this stupid computer reading about other people’s lives and feeling lucky to be able to do so. To explore a world that isn’t mine. Having the hope of what could be or being thankful that it’s not.

Having so much to give and no one to give it to.
Having so much to give and doing what I can to give to whomever will take it. And if not, save it up until someone comes along.

Being in a crowd of people and feeling uncomfortable about it.
Being in a crowd of people and realizing that even though I’m uncomfortable, I’m there for a reason and it could be worse.

Listening to your favorite song and others think it is crap.
Listening to your favorite song and not caring what anyone else thinks. It’s my opinion that matters.

Not being in a majority.
Happy that I’m not conforming to the majority because I have my own ideas, opinions and am a free thinker.

Having five dollars in my billfold until Monday.
Thankful I have five dollars in my billfold until Monday. I’ve done with much less on welfare and would have been happy to have even that at times. After all, it’s better than nothing. Think of the people hit by the tsunami that have lost their families and everything.

Having someone say they love you and you don’t feel the same in return.
To be so lucky to be loved by another. Even when you don’t feel the same, surely it’s good to mean something to someone.

Looking up at a dark winter’s sky and realizing how small you really are as an individual.
Looking up at a dark winter’s sky and realizing how lucky you are to be in this world and have it out there to enjoy.

Cooking a great meal and there is only you to enjoy it.
Cooking a great meal and being thankful you don’t have to share it.

Lying in a warm bed late at night with only your thoughts to keep you company.
Lying in a warm bed thankful it’s warm having thoughts where you can figure things out, imagine the possibilities, and keep it all to yourself.

Having a best friend that is a cat whom you do not own and he drives you nuts.
Having a best friend that is a cat because they give you unconditional love despite the fact he can drive you nuts.

Watching your neighbor’s friends come and go by the number of revolving cars in their driveway.
Watching your neighbor’s friends come and go and be thankful you don’t always have to have the house clean with so many people coming by.

Looking in the mirror and realizing you have aged.
Looking in the mirror and realizing you have aged, but you still have your health and know that it’s a part of life.

Getting all dressed up with no where to go.
Getting dressed up just because it makes you feel good.

Picking up the phone and having second thoughts about calling.
Picking up the phone and having second thoughts about calling and being glad that you caught yourself before saying something you regret.

Turning on the TV just for background noise.
Turning on the TV just for background noise and glad to have it.

Having an illness that few understand.
Having an illness that few understand, but realize there are far worse illnesses out there and happy that you’re dealing with it as best you can.

Being in a family of extremely social ladder climbers and you are afraid of heights.
Being in a family of extremely social ladder climbers and though you’re afraid of heights, realize that there is a wider world out there without ladders and be content to explore it as you are.

I am by no means an expert in happiness. I have my share of bad days like anyone else. I've had my own pity parties and written whiney blogs. But when it comes to being lonely, I find it sad. I've been there too. It's not a fun place to be. If you don't want to be there, though, you have to change your thinking. And when you have been thinking a certain way for a long time, it's difficult. If you want something more, you'll have do something about it. I get tired of people whining "nobody loves me" when they hate themselves. When they say they don't have any friends when they never leave the house. When they're unsatisfied with their lives and yet they live the same way day after day. Loneliness isn't a way of life. It's a state of mind.

O.k. I'll get off my soapbox now.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Blah, blah, blah

Just one of those blah days, you know? I finally fell asleep sometime after 12:30. Then I had to get up around 7-something. Went to the school. Had to come back home to scan some pics for the school, then go back up there. Stayed there until almost 2.
In the meantime, my brother was here cleaning out my furnace. I'm hoping it will start working better now. But I won't hold my breath. It does feel better, but I think that's because it's starting to warm up in general here.
I should have worked on yearbook stuff today, but didn't have the heart. Instead, I took a nap. Or tried to take a nap.
Then I ate some popcorn. Then I journaled. Then I decided we should have some real food and I went to the grocery store.
Got pre-made chicken. Had a drink. Now writing this. And I'm bored.
I really miss Marty. If he were here, we'd be sitting on the couch watching the first season of C.S.I. and sunggling up. I'd be able to sleep better at night. And maybe I wouldn't worry so much. Worrying sucks. But I can't help it.
And I've just been informed that I forget to get the damn milk from the store.
If you see my brain laying around anywhere, let me know. I've been missing it lately.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Sleep? What's that?

Can't sleep. I didn't really sleep last night. And I need to get some tonight as I have to be up bright and early to go to a school tomorrow. (yes, on a Saturday)
I miss Marty. I sleep just fine when he's here.
Last night I was up worrying about him as his travels home was problematic for him. He was supposed to fly into Washington Dulles, but couldn't land due to fog and was re-routed to Richmond. Then he headed there again only to be re-routed to Norfolk. By that time there was no hope of him getting home that night. So he hopped on a bus from Norfolk to Washington DC and took a flight home this morning. Somehow with all of this, his phone ended up in his backpack and his keys weren't locked. So from about 1:15 a.m. until about 2 a.m. his phone randomly called me every few seconds to every few minutes. Not his fault, but I began to worry, of course and until I reached him, I couldn't sleep. I don't really remember sleeping last night even though I finally did talk to him around 2 a.m.
I did get a nap in today for about 2 hours. But I've also now had a 42 ounce coke and perhaps that's why I'm unable to sleep. So I decided to take a tylenol p.m. and see if that will do the trick. If Marty were here, it wouldn't be a problem.

So now I guess I'll post about what I did tonight. Did I catch up on all the yearbook stuff I desperately need to? No! Of course not. I had much better things to do. You know, like take a nap, do some reading, some journaling, order take-out, watch CSI... stuff like that.
I have begun some new journals. The old-fashioned kind were you actually use a pen. For my Christmas present to myself, I ordered two books written by a woman whose blog I read and am very impressed by. You can check them (the books) out if you want.
So today I cracked them open. First assignment was to get a new journal to write in. So I took myself to Hastings and used the gift card I got for Christmas and got a new journal. Then I worked on a photo collage to put in it. (One of the assignments) I finally wrote the first entry and am hoping this is something I will follow through on.
The second book isn't so much journaling as it's writing letters to get out a bunch of stuff that one keeps bottled up. So tonight I also wrote two letters. I'm on a roll! I'm thinking of eventually posting these journals online in a new blog and will keep you updated if I do -- for those of you that do actually check me out from time to time. (Despite the fact that so few of you de-lurked the other day.)
Well, I'm off to give sleep another try.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Life's a Bitch and Then You Die

O.k. yes, I'm dealing with a tiny bit of depression at the moment. Marty left to go home today. Well, maybe not home. Back to Connecticut for who knows how long and then off to California who knows when. Then on to Alaska by June 1. For a year. Ugh.
I'm going to try to visit him again as soon as I can, but he has to get his additional orders first.
It was wonderful having him here. I'll delve into those details in another post as this one is reserved for bitching.
Let's see what else can we cover....
Work sucks right now. I still have tons to do and don't want to do any of it. Once again I've gotten in too deep offering to do too much for my advisers and still wrangling my schedule. I've offered to help a school on Saturday to try and meet their first deadline and I'm not very hopeful. I've got full visits scheduled next week.
On the upside I get to go to San Antonio next week and be put up in a nice hotel for 3 nights, eating drinking and being merry, oh and some business meetings and I get a fancy new ring.
My heater still sucks. The motor seems to be running fine, but not sure about the actual blower now. Since the temperature has dropped, my house has been hanging around 62 degrees.
Once again I'm bringing out the portable heaters just trying to keep from freezing. And now no Marty to snuggle with.
It just keeps getting better.
And this afternoon I have to take my cousin that wrecked his car to the judge so he can figure out what he's supposed to do regarding his citation. He wants to take defensive driving, but he doesn't have the money for the court costs, but he has to appear by tomorrow. So, he might be SOL regardless.
Oh, and I'm still broke because child support hasn't been paid and I'm behind on bills at the moment.
And on top of that, I can't write checks at Walmart because they think I have a hot check there which is really one of my dad's checks (but my name is on the account) and it was stolen several weeks ago.
Let's go for another one or two shall we?
Just got a notice in the mail saying that my ex-husband's bike payment still hasn't been received. (Though he assured me on the 22nd that it had been duly sent)
And to top it all off.... I've gained 8 pounds.
Can we call it a day please?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Time to quit hiding....

O.k. I stole this from a couple of other sites and hoping my lurkers will at least comment.

De-Lurking Day!
I know you are there. My sitemeter stats tell me you come by. Today is the day for you to come out of the shadows and let me know who you are!
Well, okay, technically you have that chance everyday, but today is De-Lurking Day! A special day celebrating lurkers, and begging you to gather up the strength and bravery to click on that comment button and end the deafening silence.
So say hi, or tell me what you are doing these days, or what you're having for lunch, or what your kids are doing to drive you insane, or how you will take over the world --- or whatever is on your mind.
I am one of the worst offenders, and may be stopping by your site to say "Hello, I'm Annabel, and I am a lurkaholic!"

I'd offer to send money to charity like others are doing, but I'm so broke I can't afford much these days. But since you do stop by from time to time, do tell me who you are. Please? Pretty-please? With sugar on top?

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Ringing in the New Year

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
I rode the tallest and fastest rollercoaster. Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point. It was my 100th coaster.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I know better than to make any resolutions as I never keep them. I won’t make any for 2005 either. I think I simply resolved to make sure 2004 was better than 2003 and it was.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my cousin Amanda had her baby, Liam, in April. He’s a cute as can be. (Aside from my own child of course)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. But I did visit several states this year. Texas, \Oklahoma, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, Missouri, Connecticut and Massachusetts.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More money. Trust.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 16 the date of my divorce and July 10 the date Marty and I officially started being a couple.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting divorced. The work I did on the house.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My marriage.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really. I think I’ve developed a pretty good immune system by visiting so many schools. Except for spraining my ankle when I visited Steve in Michigan.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
New printer/scanner/card reader. Wallpaper and border for Josh’s room.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I would say Marty except for the fact that he screwed up on my birthday. Mostly he’s been good. Except for the whole ex-wife thing which I’ll eventually deal with.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
Only myself at times. Not really. That was 2003. So I guess nobody other than perhaps advisers who didn’t meet their deadlines.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, trips, work on the house.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to my coaster convention and riding my 100th coaster. Going to see Marty. Marty coming to see me. Emerald earrings from Marty. First season of Monk from Patrick. CSI seasons 1 & 2 from Marty.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Like I actually listened to music of this year… I mostly listen to older stuff or classical. I guess the song that reminds me the most of the year is Beautiful by Christina Aguilara. Kind of became my theme song at the end of 2003 from my dance workout classes.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier… mucho happier
b) thinner or fatter? About the same, maybe a few pounds added that I need to deduct.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer since my bonus was cut in half. But still o.k. financially.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
More exercise.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Speculating.

20. How did you spend New Year's Eve?
With Marty and some friends and family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?

22. How many one-night stands?
None in 2004.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Monk, CSI

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

25. What was the best book you read?
The Five People you Meet in Heaven

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The movie “Ray”

27. What did you want and get?
To ride new rollercoasters. A good relationship

28. What did you want and not get?
New sewer line. New heating and air.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I didn’t really see that many movies this year. “Ray” was the most recent. Nothing that has been placed high on my favorites list, but “Ray” was indeed a good movie.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35 and took Josh (my son who shares the same birthday and turned 14) and his friends to the movies.

31.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Marty being out of coast guard.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Fashion? What’s that? Comfortable and casual.

33. What kept you sane?
Getting divorced.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
William Peterson and George Eads from CSI.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
None. I don’t care for politics. Glad that Bush won though.

36. Who did you miss?
Marty when I was away from him.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Patrick who has become a good friend. (Marty wasn’t new since I met him in high school.)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Long distance relationships suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down…
The medicine go down….

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy New Year

Well, 2004 is done. Yes, I'm being redundant as all the blogs are saying that. All in all it wasn't a bad year. I'm going to do a meme on it soon and you can judge for yourself.
Last night we had a party. It was wonderful having Marty here. I made tons of food and actually had several show up. I cooked homemade pizza and fettucini alfredo. Also made a pineapple upside down cake and chocolate chip cookies and a kind of punch. (spiked, yes) My cousin came with a friend, so did my brother, and several of Marty's family.
We had sparkling wine (not champagne as I've since been corrected on that) at midnight. Got a kiss.
So far the time with Marty has been wonderful. I definitely like the Marty in Texas better. He denies being any different, but I've noticed it. He finally consented stating that perhaps it was the stress of working while I was there. Perhaps. But I am disinclined to completely agree with that. I think a lot of it had to do with his ex. Though I'm sure he'd continue to deny it. I still have some major issues with all of that and hope to deal with that soon. But now that he's here, a lot of my concerns have diminished.
I love the way he touches me. He's always letting me know that I'm special just by touching me. He'll hold my hand. Reach out and stroke my hair. Rub my shoulders. Kiss me. Just those little things let me know how he feels. And I've noticed now that it's not all about sex. Yes, sex is still a good thing and I like it, but it's more about just being with him. I think it's a sign of our relationship maturing.
And he danced with me. We went to his cousin's house. Had some drinks. His cousin wanted to dance. So everyone went to the garage to dance. His cousin was very drunk. And Marty spun me a few times and danced with me. It was so nice to dance with him. I say this because I never wanted to dance with Richard. Probably because Richard was a complete dork and looked like an idiot with no rhythm, but maybe deeper than that. Marty isn't quite Fred Astair, but I loved the effort he made and I didn't feel weird with him at all.
I still love his family. They have always made me feel welcome with them and they have been wonderful with me. They are full of hugs. His mother on more than one occasion has told Marty that he should keep me. I have also found out another thing she has told him, but will comment on that later. She also gave me a $25 Barnes & Noble gift certificate. That was very sweet of her. If things ever go awry with us, I will still hang on to his family if I can. They are wonderful people.
Yes, I still have a few concerns to deal with, but all in all I'm glad to be with Marty and think he's a damn fine catch.