Sunday, February 27, 2005


You might say I worry too much. Sometimes I dream up things that haven't yet happened but have fears that they might. I don't care for surprises. Let me rephrase that. I don't care for bad surprises. Sending me flowers or cards etc. is always good. But I like to be prepared. I kick myself for not putting money into savings for emergencies. But I never really had all that much extra money. It always seemed to go somewhere. Other than Christmas, the most extravagant thing I bought this past year was a plane ticket to see Marty in Connecticut for $345. Beyond that I simply lived normally. If Josh needed new shoes, I'd buy them. I splurged $80 on clothes for myself. It's not like I had mounds of money left over each month, but it was enough to live well enough. But I should have put some of it away. Because now I'm stuck and that's just the start of my worries. Let me share with you.

I worry about having enough money to pay the bills and get caught up.

I worry that my already bad credit (thanks to my divorce) is going to get worse.

I worry that I won't be able to find a second part time job or a new job in order to make enough money.

I worry about how much I may have screwed up raising Josh as a single parent. I know he has anger management issues that should be dealt with but I can't afford counseling for him.

I worry about my health. Overall I'm doing o.k. and my weight loss is going slow, but going. But not having health insurance scares me. I worry that I haven't had a female check-up in two years. Knowing the health history in my family (Both my mom & sister had hysterectomys before they were 36) I'm worried that by the time I can get health insurance it may be too late.

I'm worried about my car. So far it still gets me from point A to B, but things are falling apart. It's getting leaks and making sounds that it shouldn't. Given the amount of miles I have to put on it, I'm worried that it will fall apart (with my luck in the middle of nowhere) and I'll be stuck.

I'm worried about my house. It's nice to have a roof over my head and a house payment (though I'm a month behind at this point) that is normally affordable. But I have a sewer line that needs to be dug up, heating and air that is costing me a fortune in utility bills, and other miscellaneous repairs that need to be done.

I worried about my relationship with Marty. I wonder if he's going to really see me for who I am and say "I don't need this." I wonder how he could possibly love someone like me that is insecure, worries too much, and is never satisfied. I worry that the year in Alaska will take it's toll and I won't be able to handle it.

I worry about my spirituality. Though for the first time in a very long time an interest is sparked, I worry whether I can follow through with it. My shyness is preventing me from leaping in. I still question a lot of things and am just not sure about it all.

And to sum it all up, I'm worried about being so worried.


Summer said...

Email your address to me ok?

Susanlee said...

Here's a suggestion that might ease your worries, about medical stuff anyway. Planned Parenthood does free ob-gyn exams for people in your situation,(ie no insurance, tight finances) and depending on how old Josh is, they can give him general medical care as well (sore throats or colds or whatever.) The address for the Amarillo branch of Planned Parenthood is: 1501 S. Taylor
Phone Number: (806) 372-8731