Thursday, March 31, 2005

Fixed Laptop

Yeeee--haawww! (note the strong Texas twang in there)
My laptop is fixed. No more plugging into the external monitor. I can lug it around with me again. I can sit in the comfort of my bed and blog away. Though I'm currently sitting at my desk.
So far today I've been very productive. I attacked Josh's room. I don't know what it is with kids where they can't clean like mom's do. I don't understand how boys can live in such filth. But it was getting to me. I've got a second computer working now that is eventually going to go in Josh's room, but first I have to get files off the computer he has in there now. Problem is that the CD burner it had in it doesn't want to work any more. So I need to look into getting a new one. Why is it always something?
You'd be amazed, but my house is still clean. I've really been making an effort to pick up after myself. The garage and attic are still beckoning me to do something. I would have started today (since I have Thurs & Fri. off this week) but I had to deal with the laptop issue today and I have rehersal for clarinet ensemble this afternoon. Then I have to take my dogs to the vet tomorrow and be at rehersal for Showcase by 4:00 and won't leave until after the show is over around 10:30. I haven't checked the weekend weather outlook. If it looks o.k. I might get a start on it this weekend.
Well, back to work for me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Woo Hoo

I finally got another computer working here at the house and I no longer have to share my laptop. (That isn't exactly a laptop at the moment since I have to use a big monitor with it.) But in the good news catagory, Dell is sending a replacement part and a technician is supposed to contact me by noon tomorrow to schedule to come to my house and fix it.
I did a little practicing tonight. I do need more, but have all morning tomorrow to practice. Something I don't understand though is how my clarinet is suddenly flat. I thought maybe it was that my embouchure (the way I play with my mouth) was getting lazy or something, but it's actually my clarinet. I played Josh's (with my mouthpiece) and I was sharp. I guess I'll talk to my former lesson teacher and see if he can offer advice. I guess I could get a shorter barrel, but not before Friday night. I may just have to borrow Josh's clarinet.
I don't have to work tomorrow which is also good. But I do need to take my dog to the vet. Actually I need to take both of them. They both seem to have ear infections.
I'm thinking of getting my hair cut again. I've been wanting to go shorter, but I couldn't find a good picture of what I'm wanting. I finally found one and am thinking of trying it out. I'm not sure how it will look, but the thing is that my hair grows fast so I can always grow it out again. I won't know if I don't try. If I do get it, I'll post a pic of it.
Well, guess I better head to bed. But I do get to sleep in tomorrow!

Good news

Well, I think I'm going to be doing the catalog designing. I'm supposed to receive some samples in the mail this week as well as some files to work with and will see what I can do with it. It will be good for me to continue to work on my InDesign skills.
I don't know details yet, but the guy indicated he wanted my help, so we'll work out details after I've had a chance to look at the materials. Yea!
I also sent my resume to the local newspaper. They advertised for a graphic artist. I figured it couldn't hurt. If they're not interested, that's o.k. Now I'm trying to decide if I should still go ahead and send off applications for teaching next year or not. I think I'll work on a pro/con list to help me figure it out.
Nothing new from Marty. He had to take his ex-wife to the hospital yesterday for some elective surgery. I guess that means he's a good guy. It also means he still can't say no. Oh well, I guess it's good that he'll be in Alaska for a year. She'll have to learn to get by without him.
He's supposed to know more by Thursday as to when he might be coming down here. I'm still trying to be hopeful, but sometimes it's really hard.
Well, gotta go deal with supper. Will post more later.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Do I dare?

If I say something, I'll jinx it right? It's Murphy's law that if you get a speck of hope, it will ultimately not turn out at all like you'd expect. Oh, what the hey... I gotta say it.
I applied for a catalog designer position that I could work part-time. I sent in my resume and a few samples of my work and really had second thoughts about it because I felt that my work might not be very impressive. But I did it anyways thinking I should at least do it and if they're not interested, that's o.k. Maybe it's because they didn't get any other responses, but I got an email today saying that they were interested in talking with me. I wanted to reply back right away, but decided I need to square a few things first.
I went to Amarillo and talked to my former principal about being a reference for me. He said no problem. While I was there I got one of my renewals taken care of. I then came home and emailed my boss about my situation. He said he understood. He said that he indeed couldn't pay me any more as his comissions have been dropping as schools are ordering less books etc.. which I knew and understood. He appreciated me letting him know what was going on and said he'd hate to lose me. So I felt better about that. He also said he didn't have a problem with me taking on some part time work.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm really trying to have more confidence in myself. It's one of my biggest weaknesses. Especially going into unknown territory. But I just have to get over that.
I talked to Marty. So far it looks good that he'll get to come to Texas, so I'm trying to remain hopeful about that too.
I walked today. A mile. O.k. maybe not too impressive, but it's a good start. I do love my mp3 player. I think it was a really good investment.
So tell me... when is the $&*! going to hit the fan?

Saturday, March 26, 2005

I have no life

O.k. maybe I have a life, but I'm at a point where I don't know what to do with myself. My house is clean. Laundry is caught up. Even my car is clean. I still can't clean out the attic/garage because it's snowing once again.
I don't really have friends that I do anything with. I guess I'm kind of a loner. It kind of sucks.
I've been going to church. I went Thursday and Friday evening and will attend the Easter Vigil tonight. It still feels a little weird, but not as bad as being in protestant church. No offense to anyone out there, but they just seem to grate on my nerves lately. I'm finding that in the Catholic services the spirituality is more genuine and it feels more like a worship service. For example, last night was the veneration of the cross. The congregation passes a large cross over them all around the people and then they go up to the front, bow and kiss the cross. It was really very moving. I still feel a little awkward there, but it's really not bad. I'm just not sure of some of the things I should be doing & saying.
Marty should be back in Connecticut by now. I thought he'd call me to let me know he made it, but I guess he forgot. I'm trying not to take it personally, but I do. I still have no idea if I'm going to go up there or if he's going to come here. He's now talking like he's going to just give his truck to his ex-wife so he doesn't have to worry about dealing with it. I guess that's his choice.
I went walking yesterday. I bought new shoes and am making myself walk. Problem was that my CD player that is supposed to be really good anti-skip, wasn't. So I splurged and got myself a new mp3 player. I wouldn't have done it except I got a refund for overpaying my car insurance last month. I do feel a bit guilty for buying it, but oh well. If it helps me walk more, then it will be worth it.
That's it for my exciting life. I don't have anything deep and meaningful to share but that's my life as it is right now. Don't read my blog while operating heavy machinery.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

A day off

I don't have to go to work today. I'm actually off through Monday. Woo Hoo! So I why am up this morning, you ask? Well, I had to take Josh to school early for clarinet sectionals. I'm really thinking about going back to bed for a little while. I'm still tired. I was having one of those vivid, yet weird dreams. But I think it's too difficult to explain here.
So what are my plans today? No house to clean and no laundry to do. I'm thinking of tackling the Jostens stuff I need to sort into binders. I could also start on the garage/attic, but may wait until tomorrow when the boys are home from school.
I do need to practice today as I have clarinet ensemble this afternoon.
I also have to take my car back in to discount tire for the 3rd time. Ever since I had a flat during spring break and they "fixed" it, my car has been way out of balance. It shakes very badly when I drive it over 60 mph. It was horrible yesterday driving 60 miles to a school and then the adviser wasn't even there. I may have to come out of my shell a bit and get assertive on this.
That's all the exciting news in my world.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Laptop is dying

Well, my laptop definitely needs to go to the doctors at Dell, but I'm holding out for my brother to get me another computer to use while this one is gone. Basically my screen on the laptop no longer works. It keeps going to black although sometimes you can just barely see that there's still stuff going on in the background. So temporarily I've hooked up an external monitor so that I can keep using it for the moment.
I spent a lot of time backing up files and cleaning things off just in case anything happens to it when I do send it off.
As far as life goes, nothing much to report. Have had to work the past two days. Am supposed to travel tomorrow too. I have some work to catch up on that I'm putting off, but will try to rouse myself to get it done soon. I need to practice my music for showcase. I'm tired. I had to get up by 6:30 this morning and I'm feeling it now. (usually I get to sleep until about 8:00 or so and I am so NOT a morning person) No news from Marty. House is still clean. I'm caught up on laundry. My car is even clean. Still need to clean out the attic.
I don't have anything witty or insightful to share with you right now. Maybe something will strike me later.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Palm Sunday

I went to Mass today. I felt a little awkward as I tend to do in new situations, but it wasn't bad. Since I've attended Episcopal services with my aunt many times, I understood what was going on. I even chimed in on some of the responses. I sat with the lady I contacted regarding RCIA classes. After church we went to McDonald's and had some orange juice. We had a nice conversation and it turns out that I went to school with her daughter and we graduated in the same year. Small world isn't it?
So I've jumped in. I still don't know if it's the right thing, but I feel I need to explore it more. And that's what I'm doing.
I've been trying to work on my resume for a catalog designer position, but I'm not feeling very creative at the moment. But I need to send it in along with some samples that I don't have. Sure, I know InDesign, but I mostly teach it. Maybe the creativity will hit me soon. I've got to do something for some extra money.
My computer is acting really weird lately. I have a feeling it's destined to be serviced and that will not be good given it's my only working computer.
I finally got to talk to Marty last night. It was good to talk to him and I think he's relieved that he only has a week left. I'm trying to make plans to go see him in Connecticut. I plan to either fly one way and help him drive his truck down here or just fly round trip and see him. Problem is that he's not sure what's going to happen when he gets back so I can't really make my plans. It's all very frustrating. But it boils down to the fact that I'm not going to let January be the last time I see him.
Well, I'm off to continue with laundry.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Jumped off the wagon

Even though I'm not Catholic (yet), I've been trying to follow the practice of lent in giving up things. I decided to continue my abstaining from fast food and alcohol as well as observing abstinence from meat on Fridays. I've actually done pretty well. Today was not to be an exception as we were planning on going to Red Lobster for dinner and I was going to have fish and shrimp. But this afternoon, without thinking I had leftover sausage pizza for lunch. It didn't even dawn on me until I was getting ready to go out to dinner. It may not be a really big deal and even Catholics have been known to cheat or not go through their giving up something during Lent, but I really wanted to make a concerted effort. Then tonight after dinner we came back to my aunt's mother-in-law's house to visit and I had some wine. I could have easily declined, but I didn't. Again, not a big deal, but I do feel a little bad about it.
But on the upside, I did get a lot of nice compliments on how I looked today. It made me feel good. And I had a really good time. Josh was disappointed that we didn't get the vanilla bean cheesecake for dessert, but I told him next time we went to Amarillo we'd go by TGIFridays just for dessert. It does sound good now, doesn't it?
I think I'll make an attempt to go to mass this Sunday. It's Palm Sunday so it should be special. I might as well just jump in, huh?
Nothing from Marty today. I'm hoping he'll call sometime this weekend, but if he doesn't, I'll be o.k. with it.
Well, I'm off to bed. It's been a long day, but I feel good that my house is clean. Now for the garage.... ugh.

Up and running

Got a new power adapter for my laptop. So now I'm up and running. My house is also clean. Nothing like company coming over to make me get to it. My aunt is in town and she stopped by to see me and the house. (It used to be her house) She hadn't seen it since I moved in and did some of my own decorating.
We're going out to dinner tonight to Red Lobster. It's for my cousin's birthday and also because my aunt & uncle are in town. It should be fun.
I actually got to speak to Marty. He called briefly yesterday.
Now I'm debating whether or not I want to start the task of cleaning out the garage/attic/shed this weekend. Weather is clearing up, but weekend may not be enough time. I originally had Monday off, but due to issues with some schools, I have to travel pretty much all of next week except for Friday.
I still need to practice my clarinet music for showcase.
Oh, I finally got notice on my other tax refund. It turns out it was delayed because I forgot to send in the Schedule EIC for my earned income credit. (I actually qualified this year!) So my return is going to be $130 less than figured. However, I did return the Schedule EIC and was told I'll still be issued that money as well, but I'm guessing it will come separately. Good news is that the other refund minus the $130 will be here soon. Since I'm basically caught up on bills, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. Part of it will pay Josh's remaining band camp. Then I'll have about $300 left. I may save it and use it to fly to see Marty if I can help drive him down here. But I'd have to talk to him about it so I guess that means he'll have to call... geez.
Well, I gotta go iron some clothes and start making myself presentable for going out tonight.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Out of Pocket

I'm going to be out of pocket for a bit. My power adapter to my laptop no longer works and I'm in the process of getting it replaced as I type this. I just LOVE being on hold. I'm using my last hour of power that I have and then will be computerless for as long as it takes to get a new adapter.
So no updates today (not that my life is all that exciting right now).
I'll miss all of you out there. Hopefully will be back soon!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Gee, it's late for me. But at least I'm wearing green at the moment so no pinching. I actually went to be around 11:00. But then my cell phone rang at about 11:20. I jumped out of bed hoping it was Marty calling, but it wasn't. It was my uncle Steve. He just got bad news that his sister had passed away and he wanted me to go over and sit with his mother when he told her the news. (He's in Albuquerque) So I did. She took it well. I can't imagine being a parent and outliving your children, but it happens. His mother is 87 years old. Her daughter was 63. It just makes you stop and think. Well, I sat with her a bit and let her talk some. She finally said that she was o.k. and I could go home. So now I'm back home.
My day was fairly productive, but not as much as it should have been. I finished the major filing and got most of the office floor cleared of stuff. There's still some little things here and there that need to be done, but hopefully I'll once again have a nice clean work area. And maybe I'll get some work done.
My dad stopped by today to pick up his mail and informed me that one of my tires was flat. Perfect. Luckily he went to get me some fix-a-flat so I could take it to get fixed. So I spent a good portion of the afternoon taking my car to discount tire. At least it was free.
Then since I was already in Amarillo I went to the mall. Walked around a bit. I bought some cologne for Marty. O.k. I actually kind of bought it for me because it reminds me of him. But I'll eventually give it to him. Really, I will. Like when he gets back from Alaska.
Then I went to Walmart and bought a new scale. Mine is doing weird things. Like this morning it said I weighed 179.5. This afternoon it said I weighed 174. I preferred the afternoon weight, but had to assume it was a fluke. So I went and got a regular non digital scale and it showed around 177. I guess that's the average. Just weird. I've been kind of bad lately eating kind of late and having cheesecake. I haven't exercised either. But still no fast food or alcohol, but I can't tell you how much I've wanted to add a little rum to my coke. But I'm trying to behave.
And that's pretty much my day. Not very exciting, but I guess it will do.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Let it snow...

Well, I guess we have no choice. It's been snowing here all day. I did sweep off my car to go get a hair cut and then to take Josh to go sledding with his girlfriend.
Despite the weather, I actually accomplished quite a bit today. No, the office isn't finished, but most of the filing is done and I can see I'm making a dent in there. I cleared the entry and hallway of stuff. (Basically just moved it to the garage.) I called my insurance agent and cancelled the full coverage on my car. That should save me about $50 a month on my car insurance payment. Every little bit will help. I also finally made a call to the Catholic Church asking about the RCIA classes. Had a nice long chat with the lady and am going to start the process of having my marriage to Richard declared null. RCIA doesn't start until September. For those of you unfamiliar with RCIA, it is the process by which adults can become Catholic. I can't say that once I start I'll totally go through with it, but that's why they have the inquiry stage where you decide if it's what you want to do. I've been invited to go to Mass and perhaps I finally will.
Then I spent about 3 hours playing rollercoaster tycoon. O.k. that wasn't very productive, but it's been a decent day overall. Now if it would just quit snowing.

Marty Updates

I got to talk to Marty for a while via IM last night. I had to open my big mouth. But I had to say something. You know I've been worried about whether things have changed and I've talked about how he's different etc. Well I asked him about it again last night. I probably shouldn't have. I should have just sit back, left him alone and not freak out so much. But that's not what happened.
He first offered to break things off until he returned because I wasn't handling the separation so well. I told him that wasn't what I wanted. I basically needed reassurance that his love was deep enough to make it and things hadn't changed. He then went on about his stress level and how he ended up going to California 3 months earlier than planned, how he's going to Alaska earlier, how the administration have screwed up his paperwork to make things more difficult to leave and that he's leaving his children for a year.
These are things that I knew about. I know he's been stressed. I just don't get how that makes up for shunning the ones you love. I think that when one is stressed, that's when you should reach out the most... but then again, I'm a girl. I know guys are different and it's not fair. It's not fair for him to sulk into a cave and keep me wondering about things. He assured me that nothing has changed for him regading his feelings for me and it's just the stress. I believe him, but it's really hard. I guess if relationships were simple, they wouldn't be worth fighting for. I know what I've got to do. I've got to let it go. Not the relationship, just the fretting. I've got to put my feelings on the backburner and let him be. I know all this, but I have a hard time doing it.
He has to report to Alaska by May 1. He's still planning on driving his truck down here sometime in April, but that's only if he can get everything done in the 3-4 weeks he's back in Connecticut. I'd like to fly up there and help him drive, but I'm 3rd on the list. (His mother and brother both offered before me.)
I guess things are getting busy for him at school. He had homework last night and had about 3 hours of reading to do. Oh, and he hasn't called because he forgot to pay his cell phone bill. Hopefully he'll call next time he goes to town.
Well, I'm continuining to work on the filing. It's slow going, but it will be worth it in the long run. I've got a lot of shredding to do as well. I guess it's a good thing I'm working on the office. Because of the darn snow I can't be cleaning out the garage.

Memo: To Mother Nature

In case you haven't heard... it's supposed to be SPRING BREAK, not winter break. Posted by Hello

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Making a little progress

Well, I started a major project in my office. Filing. I've got so much crap to go through though. I'm really not sure what is crucial to keep and what I'm just holding on to because I can't bear to toss it - because as soon as I do, I'll need that one piece of paper. But I'm getting somewhere. I've filed bills, printed out labels, gotten a little organized, but it's still a complete mess. But I'm thinking that if I can get all the paper under control I might stand a chance at having a nice clean office for a while. I can dream can't I?
I haven't heard from Marty in over a week. I'm getting a little peeved. I know it's a big deal for him to have to go to town to call me, but last time he called me from a pay phone with a calling card while still on campus. So in my eyes, there's no excuse to not call. Especially on a weekend. So, yes, my feelings are hurt.
Yeah, yeah... go ahead and say it. You made your bed, so lie in it. I know I chose to be with Marty. I chose a man in the military that will be gone for the next 5 1/2 years. I chose a man that is well... a man. A typical male that doesn't seem to think about the effect he has on me. A man that doesn't realize how important it is to phone your girlfriend. And I've chosen to perpetuate this long-distance relationship. I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I didn't want to. But it happened and I'm stuck. O.k. yes, I know I have choices, but I still want to keep him, though sometimes I question why. But I know that's just because I question absolutely everything in my life. That's why I'm trying to not be too rash. He just better call me soon, darn it. (still trying to keep the language clean)
Now I'm debating whether to keep going at these files or head to bed. I'm feeling exhausted, but I'm afraid if I stop, I won't finish it tomorrow. But I'm thinking the bed is going to win tonight.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Spring Break is Here

Well, it's finally spring break. I had all sorts of plans to do work in and around the house. I should have done more today because it was a balmy 80 degrees. It looks like tomorrow is going to jump down to 40 and we have the possibility of snow this week. I originally planned to go to California this week to see Marty, but since the money didn't pan out, I knew I couldn't do that.
But hopefully I'll get some things done here that have been on my to-do list for a while.
I did watch Clean Sweep to get myself in the mood. I decided to clean out one of my closets of clothes. I've got a few things to put on ebay and the rest for my potential garage sale.
I haven't talked to Marty in a week. I don't know when I'll talk to him and it's driving me nuts. I'm trying to not to think about it so much and keeping myself occupied.
I made a list of all the things that I'd like to do to my house and an estimate of the costs. I only need about $9000. Keep in mind that includes new heating/air and a sewer line. But that is still a lot of money. Well, I can dream I guess.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Had a date tonight

O.k. don't worry... I'm not cheating on Marty. I took my son out to dinner. We went to the Olive Garden. Had fettucini alfredo. Josh had pizza. He asked me if I had a good relationship with my parents. I wasn't sure how to answer that. I said that we weren't close, but had a decent relationship. He then mentioned that he thought we had a good relationship because we talk so much. I can't tell you in words what that meant to me. I guess I'm doing a decent job. Josh and I aren't necessarily what you'd call close, but I do think we have a good relationship. And I love that he feels that way. He commented that a lot of his friends always seem to fight with their parents and their parents are overprotective. I admit that I'm not strict with Josh. But my philosophy is that until he gives me a reason to really put my foot down, I don't have to be overbearing. And he's a good kid. He makes good grades. He's talented and smart. And that's the opinion of his teachers, not just me.
I've worried about whether or not I've done o.k. with Josh. I guess maybe I'm on the right track.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Do I dare have hope?

I got an email today regarding child support. The soon to be ex-wife took it upon herself to send in a good chunk of past child support in. Not quite two month's worth, but enough to be a GREAT help. So because that is coming, I went ahead and got caught up on the mortgage payment and didn't have to rely on my dad to take care of it. I paid some other bills and am maybe, just maybe thinking that things are going to be o.k. We'll see. I'm still not going to count on child support coming in regularly at all, but getting this one check will make a huge difference and what doesn't go to pay bills is going to go into savings. If things work out, we'll take a trip this summer, if not, it will be there for when we need it.
I went to clarinet ensemble today and got to play. It was so refresing. I really have a lot of work as the tempo is pretty fast. But hopefully I'll work during spring break. Then I can work with my old lesson teacher and get a little extra help. I'm so glad I'm playing again. It really feels good.
Well, gotta keep this short tonight, but just wanted to share something positive for once. Now, only if Marty would call.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


I don't want to report today's weigh-in, but I will anyways. I'm quite disappointed, but am hoping it's water weight due to the fact that perhaps I may actually have a period this month. Today's weight was a disappointing 179. I'm finished with my aerobics class as I only paid for the first session and can't afford the the second. I'm still being mostly good. I've only laxed a little on the one coke a day thing. Still no fast food. No alcohol. Eating before 7:30.

Well I got my wedding dress. It needs to be cleaned on the bottom where I walked on the stage and it got dirty. (I was married in a theatre) and it's so pretty. I hope someone will love the dress as much as I did. I'll post pictures of it soon.

My friend was very polite. We made a little small talk and then had to rush to leave as I was parked in someone else's spot that wanted it back. It just felt a little weird. To be talking to her after 3 years. Told her I was dating Marty. She thought that was neat. And that's it. Can't say we're rekindling a friendship, but I at least opened the door. We'll see if she takes any steps.

I got to talk to Marty online last night. It was nice, but I'm still frustrated by not getting to talk to him on the phone. He said he was going to send me some money. I told him not to and that my problems were mine to deal with, but he's stubborn too. (But never as stubborn as I am) I don't know if he'll do it. And if he does I don't know if I should refuse it, graciously accept it or take it as a loan to pay back. Money is always a weird thing. I feel that it's my fault for getting complacent and depending on the child support knowing how flaky Josh's dad has been in the past. And I need to deal with it. But if someone, namely my boyfriend, offers to help me out, I don't know what to do. It's kind of a pride thing. But then again, it would really help. And then again, I'd feel kind of guilty about it if I took it. If I took it as a loan, I'd worry about paying it back. If I refused it, I might hurt his feelings.

You know, I've lived on far less than I do now and I'll figure out a way to manage. When I was in college, I survived on $156 a month in AFDC, food stamps, a pell grant that gave me about $1200 each semester, and workstudy that paid minimum wage and only about 20 hours a week. That's a little less than $500 a month. I don't know how I did it. I do know that is why one of my credit cards is maxed out. But I did survive and finish school (with honors).

I remember one painful moment though. I just had Josh for about a month. I went to see my parents and I had no formula. (I did not breast feed) I had to ask my dad for $10 to get some formula until my food stamps & WIC kicked in the next month. It was really difficult. I felt like I had failed. I took the responsibility of getting pregnant and having Josh to heart and was determined to not be like my sister. I had to swallow a lot of pride to ask for that money and I cried on the way home. I since learned that sometimes it was o.k. and necessary to ask for help (especially baby-sitting), but I never asked for money again. Sometimes it was offered, but I sincerely did it all on my own. That's why it's hard for me to accept such a kindness. I could never ask for it, but when it's offered, I still don't know what to do.

Trying to keep my chin up and be hopeful. I'm almost looking forward to cleaning out the attic, garage and shed during spring break. But I did say almost.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Took a Step

A while back (in July) I wrote a blog about a former friend of mine. Go ahead and read it... here's the link.

Well, I ran into this friend very briefly at the beginning of school this year and she said hello and asked how I was doing and I told her "fine" and then she had to run off to a meeting and she said she'd talk to me later. Still haven't talked.
So I haven't really worried about it much lately as I did what I said in my previous post about writing her off. I finally got to a point where I didn't really hold a grudge about it and just moved on.

So I've been thinking about selling stuff on ebay. And I realize that she still has my wedding dress. Because she had more room than me at the time I got married, she offered to keep the dress for me in one of her closets. I've just never gotten around to getting it I guess. Then with the divorce, it didn't matter so much. But now I'm thinking perhaps I could sell it. I need to money and that could help finance Josh's band camp.

So I took a step and I emailed her. And I got a response. She was polite and said she'd try to remember to bring it with her to school tomorrow. (It just so happens I'm going there for a yearbook visit) So maybe things aren't as bad as I thought.

I can't say it was all in my imagination (though I am quite imaginative it seems). I know that I haven't really "talked" to her since April of 2001, I think. And when my mother passed away, I didn't even get an "I'm sorry" from her. (And yes, she knew about it) And when I got a divorce, I didn't get a "congratulations." So, it's not all in my head. But perhaps we just drifted apart as friends. And that's o.k. Sometimes I just wish I knew the "why?" You know me... having to know EVERYTHING.

But I took a step and we'll see what happens.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Out of Focus

That's how I feel lately. I can't seem to get a grip on things and focus on anything. I wanted to read a book tonight and I barely made it past two pages. The t.v. is blaring and yet I'm not really paying attention. Reading blogs is good because I only have to focus a short time.
I'm not sure what my next step should be. I really want to curl up in a ball under the covers and dream everything away. I want to stop worrying so damn much. You know, I KNOW that things will work themselves out and I'll survive. But it's one thing to know that and another to actually live and deal with it.

I still haven't heard from Marty. I'm disappointed, but trying to be understanding. I just wish he knew how much his phone calls mean to me right now. I tell him, but I'm not sure it sinks in. He is a man after all.

On a happier note, I went to Josh's back to school night. All of his teachers that I spoke to mentioned how bright he was. His band director said that he is really taking the lead in the clarinet section and he's having a hard time actually challenging him. I think that's awesome.

I've really got to find a way to de-stress. I know it's not good for me. But I don't know what else to do. Where's a good rollercoaster when you need one?

A Dilemma

It's one of those good news/bad news kind of days.
Good news: I got one of my tax refund checks in the mail today.
Bad news: There's no way I could fight the ticket I got in Dumas. There was another sign clearly posted with the speed limit that I missed. Cost of ticket $125.

So, what do I do with the money? It's not enough to get caught up on the house payment. I could just hand it over to dad and then still owe $200. But if he's going to put it on a credit card, I can perhaps have more time to pay him back.
Or I could keep my mouth shut about the check and catch up on the other bills and pay my speeding ticket.
Or I could catch up on bills and get ahead and then go to jail for my ticket at the end of 30 days.
If I didn't have the damn ticket, I could go ahead and pay for about half of Josh's band camp money.
Personally I think it's far more beneficial and money is much better spent to invest in Josh's music. He may or may not make it a career, but I personally believe that the experience of music is invaluable. I'd rather pay for his lessons than pay my visa bill.
Would it be bad to turn myself in and sit in jail for about 3 days?
I could have 90 days to pay it, but then it would go up to $150.
Still no sign of a part time job. Still don't know what's going on with child support.

So what to do? Any suggestions?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Do I have to go to work?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I have to visit 3 schools and go find out what I can do about my speeding ticket. I hope that I don't have to go before the judge tomorrow, I won't have the time. It's also open house at Josh's school tomorrow evening. I don't want to miss that.
I'm getting caught up on the laundry. Kitchen, living room, bedroom & my bathroom are clean. My office is cleaner, but still needs work. Maybe a 3 day job. It's just that I have a lot of things that need to be sorted and filed somewhere or thrown out.
I painted my nails today. What is it about painting your nails that makes you feel prettier? I didn't paint them a color as I typically have cheap polish that starts to peel away, but I did put two coats of clear stuff that is supposed to help strengthen my nails. I have horrible nails. I never grow them out because I usually chip them and then tear them off. I don't really bite them, but I never have them very long. One more thing I decided to attempt for Lent (though I'm still not Catholic) is to try to grow my nails out. So far it's going well. It's not as hard as I thought. Problem is that they are still very flimsy nails that break or chip easily. But we'll see how it goes.
I got on the scale today despite it not being Wednesday. I was pleasantly surprised though I won't mention what it said. I hope that come Wednesday it will still be there.
Well, I've got to go pay a few of those pesky bills.
I guess I need to get ready for my day tomorrow. At least I don't have to get up early. First appointment is for 10:30.
I know this blog isn't much for excitement lately. I just don't have a lot to say and I'm tired of whining about my finances and Marty.
It's time for something different.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Getting there

Well, the kitchen is clean. I even mopped the floors. I'm going to get the living room done tonight and get a start on the laundry. Tomorrow I'll tackle my room and the office. I'm dreading the office. I can't ever seem to keep it clean. But I am determined.
I've been watching the t.v. and just saw a commercial for "Believer's Voice of Victory". For some reason I wanted to gag. They way the guy says "Gee-zuz" (heavy accent on the first syllable) just got on my nerves. But then again, everything is getting on my nerves lately. Maybe I need some paxil. Oh yeah, I don't have health insurance. Almost forgot.
Speaking of health, I'm skipping periods again. I guess it's stress related. I did the same thing the last year of my marriage. My cycle was very irregular. Not that I minded so much, but was concerned. I went on the pill to get things regulated (back in the days of health insurance). And before you think it, no, I'm not pregnant. It's impossible. O.k. maybe not impossible but it would take a spontaneous reversal of Marty's vasectomy for that to have happened.
Well, Josh has a girlfriend again. I've got to take him to meet her at the movies.


My goal this weekend is to get the house clean. Really clean. I find that when my house is clean and everything is in it's place my spirits are automatically lifted.
Then next week I have to work most of the week.
The following week is spring break. I'm going to clean out the attic, shed, and garage and get stuff sorted that I'm going to a. sell on ebay b. sell in a garage sale c. donate to charity d. use e. force my dad to take
I've been working on school applications. I'm still playing the wait and see game with regards to child support since I really don't know anything. I'm trying to decide when I should talk to my boss about the situation.
I think my dad is going to get the house payment caught up and I'll pay him back when I can. I'm still getting behind on bills, but there's not much I can do about it at the moment.
But I'm trying and doing the best I can.

Friday, March 04, 2005

He Called

He called me. Granted it was 12:30 a.m. and he was drunk, but he did call. He was out playing pool with some new friends at the school. They were playing for drinks. Marty usually plays on a pool league. He got a LOT of drinks. But he said that he wanted to tell me that he loved me and missed me.
I really needed that. I feel a lot better. I know that he does love me. At least that's one worry crossed off my list. Now to start working on the others.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

No music today

Went to clarinet ensemble but found that they weren't meeting today. Did get to pick up some music though which is good because I'm going to need some practice. Most of the page was pretty black. (For those of you that don't read music, that means it's got a lot of sixteenth notes)
I'm going to get out my clarinet and give it a whirl this weekend.
I've still been in a bad mood so I skipped my aerobics class. Just because. Then Josh and I went to the grocery store and got his lunchables for school and something for supper. Made hamburgers. Then I sat in front of the t.v. and watched Survivor and CSI.
The phone has been ringing off the hook tonight but no calls from Marty. Just bill collectors I guess. I don't answer the phone if I don't know who's calling. Caller ID is a wonderful thing.
So I guess we need some good news. Josh came home today and told me that he's running in a track meet. He didn't originally plan to try out for the team but said that for some reason the coaches asked him to run the 100 meter race. I thought that was great. He's been in athletics the past two years, but did it because he didn't want to be in P.E. He had no interest in actually playing the team sports. But I think this will be good for him.
I still haven't called the lady regarding the RCIA program at the Catholic church. I did get an email response that gave me another lady's name and number. I'm still not sure that I'm ready, but I think I'll have some time to really decide. I still feel compelled to check it out.
Well I hope Marty calls this weekend. I certainly need a lift.
One more bit of good news. I have brief job next week that will pay me $50. I'm tabulating the cheerleading results for a local school. I've been doing it for the past 6 years or so. I started it when I was teaching at one school and I wrote an excel spread sheet for it. Since then they've been asking me to come back and figure it each year.
I know I really should use that $50 to pay some bills, but I think I'm going to be somewhat selfish and a little unselfish. I desperately need a hair cut. If I don't get one soon, I'm going to get the scissors out myself. And then I think I'm going to buy the "Ray" DVD for Josh.
I'm just going to hang on to the hope that my tax refund will come through soon. Wow... I actually said the word hope? Maybe there's a silver lining.


I'm feeling irritable. Everything is grating on my nerves. I feel lost like I don't know where to turn or what to do. I know I should pay some bills, but not sure where to begin. The house needs cleaning and laundry needs to be done.
My cousin is really irritating me. Just his presence alone is annoying. Part of me can't wait until he moves out and it's just me and Josh. I'll miss the monthy money he pays me, but it might be worth it. I don't mean to sound hateful about it, but I can't help it.
I did get to briefly chat with Marty last night. He happened to be online at the same time. A true miracle. Haven't gotten to talk to him since this past weekend, but that's to be expected.
With all the other worries happening, I'm not worrying about Marty so much. I think it really helps that he's away from Connecticut. At least perhaps Alaska won't be as bad. He should be able to have internet a little more and will be able to access a phone more regularly even if it's long distance.
On the good news front I'm going to go play in the clarinet ensemble this afternoon. I think getting into music will be very helpful with everything. It might not solve the many problems, but it's one of the things that always seems to pick me up. I miss playing in an ensemble.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


I've been looking at jobs that would utilize my current skills. I have knowledge of most MS programs like word, excel, powerpoint, and outlook. I am also skilled in Pagemaker, Photoshop, and InDesign.
I would love to find a part time job as a graphic artist. Unfortunately I need skills in Illustrator and possibly Dreamweaver.
I found a place where I can take classes in the aformentioned areas but they cost $175 each. That would be 4 classes because they have Illustrator 1&2 as well as Dreamweaver 1&2.
That's $700 to get the skills to get a better or part time job. Problem is I need a job to get the money to take the classes.
I'd call that a catch-22.

I've also checked into getting my masters and library certification. I can do it online through the University of North Texas. Money is still a problem.
First I need to take the GRE. That means I have to pay to take it. I also have to find time to study for it. That shouldn't be a problem as my work schedule is getting light the next month & a half.
Then assuming I make a decent score on the GRE and can qualify to get into UNT as a graduate student, it will cost about $2600 a semester and I'd need about 3 semesters of 12 hours each to get my masters and certification. From what I've found, there's not a lot of scholarships and grants available to graduate students. Getting a loan is an option, but that just means adding another bill that I can't pay.
If I did get my certification and got a job, I'd be starting from scratch on the pay scale and would make less as a first year librarian than I would as a 5 year teacher. (But it would still be more than I'm getting in my current job.)

I make too much money, but not enough. Sometimes life was simpler on welfare. It's doubtful though that I can find a house for rent for $75 a month again though. Those were the days.

Wednesday's Weight

Not happy about gaining a pound. Today's official weight is 177.5. I hope it's still just fluctuating. That was one of the positive things happening and now it's not where I'd like it to be.
I'm not going to get too upset over it right now.
Just playing the "wait and see" game with everything going on right now.
On the good news side, I found my driver's license that I thought I lost.
I don't have a lot to say. Kind of in quiet observation mode. I don't have the energy to really bitch much more. Think I cried enough last week. Being depressed really is exhausting.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Feeling blah

I'm still in a slump. Still trying to figure out which bills to pay and which ones to put on hold. Hoping to receive my tax refund, but not in the mail today. Searching for jobs daily. I wonder if I have the right to be particular about taking on a part time job. Yes, I need the money desperately, but do I take a position someplace I would hate working just because they're hiring? Or do I hold out in the hopes that something that I would find more interesting rather than repulsive will appear out of nowhere?
When I visited one of my schools today I got a reminder of why I don't want to go into teaching. My adviser told me about a phone call from a parent that chewed her butt up and down because she sent a yearbook payment reminder to a student. It's bad enough having to deal with kids that are constant discipline problems, taking on those extra duties required by teachers, working under an administration that doesn't back up their teachers because they're afraid of lawsuits, but then you also have horrible parents that complain about everything. Teachers simply aren't paid enough for the crap they have to deal with. (even though it's quite a bit more than I currently make) They should provide free mental health care to all teachers to compensate for the pitiful pay and hope that it will help deal with the frustrations. We used to joke about needing a prozac salt lick in the teacher's lounge just to get us through the day sometimes.
I know I'm bitching. Sometimes teaching wasn't all that bad and once in a while it was rewarding. It's just when you're in a job where people constantly thank you for helping them, they think you're a genius, and you have a very flexible schedule, it's hard to ponder the possibility of going back into a field where you're not appreciated or supported.
I'm supposed to go to aerobics class tonight. I don't want to. But I think I'm going to make myself go. If anything I need to release the stress and not think about life at the moment.