Sunday, July 31, 2005

It's getting there

I know I said that my blogging would be scarce and yet I've posted more this weekend than at normal times... oh well. But I am taking a quick break for some lunch. So while my leftover pizza is heating up I'll fill you in on things.

I'm slowly getting through the boxes in my driveway. But it's very hot outside. Yes, I put on sunscreen. But it's still hot. Right now I'm going through boxes of books. I think I'll still be going through everything tomorrow as well. My goal is to have everything set up by Monday evening/Tuesday morning and then price stuff the rest of the week.

Went to Church today and found out that our priest that was planning to leave is not planning to leave and I think most people are happy about that. A few were disconcerted about it I believe but since I don't know him well I can't be judgmental (not that I should be) about the situation. But so far I like him and I guess I'm glad he's staying. After church I went to have a coke with the lady that has been guiding me through the church stuff and had a nice conversation with her.

Well, my pizza is ready and am going to take a small break and then get back to work.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Imperfect Order

So I'm cleaning out the garage... still. Actually the garage itself is technically cleaned out. It's just there's a whole pile of CRAP sitting in my driveway that I have to set up for a garage sale. I'd really like to just pack it up and have the charity people come get it, but I'm in a bit of a desperate state for money so I can buy Josh school clothes and what-not.
But... HALLELUJAH! My dad's stuff is gone. My friend Derek (a former boyfriend) returned my call this morning and he offered to help me. He is such a nice guy. So I was able to set up tables in the garage, sweep the floor and now I'm in the process of going through the pile of junk and setting it out in hopes to make a few bucks. Whatever doesn't sell is going to be shipped off to charity and when everything is said and done, I'll have a nice clean and clear garage!!!!
I really wish I had taken before pictures so I can show you the enormous amount of work that has gone into this. The majority of the work I've had to do myself. Josh & David finally helped today by getting the shed cleared out. Unfortunately there was a wasp's nest in the shed and David got stung. Not to be happy about that, but glad it was him and not me. I've never been stung by a flying type of insect and I have no desire to experience it.

Well on to the title of my post. I have these weird thoughts from time to time. O.k. so maybe you noticed a few in my blog like when I clean when a tornado is coming. But I do have even more weird thoughts that I don't always post. But here's this one. I feel like my life can never be in absolute perfect order. For one, I don't think that state can exist. But I know I could never have a house where everything was clean, in it's place, nothing is broken. I could never be in a state where I have no worries about anything. I could never be in a relationship that was just simply happy with no drama. I think if I ever found myself in such a state it would signal impending doom and I should make sure my will is in place.
But I also think that the fact that life isn't perfect makes it all the more interesting. Sure, I could do without some drama and hardships that I've had to deal with... but I know that going through those things makes me a stronger person. And I've had those moments where I want to scream at the top of my lungs "Give me a break, would ya?" And though I whine and moan and complain about my state of things from time to time, I really don't have it all that bad. Sure it could always be a little better, but I'm going to try to stop and appreciate the things I do have.
My aim for the moment though is to bring more order into my life than disorder. I've found that when things are more in order, life goes more smoothly. So even though I'll have a clean garage that I can park my car in and a clean house that I'm not embarassed to have company visit there will still always be something more to do. I guess as long as I'm working on my to do list I'm making progress.

Long Day Ahead

What the heck am I doing blogging when I should be working on the garage? That's a good question. Actually I'm printing out copies of the choir music to take with me to choir rehersal this morning. I edited it together so that it's easier to follow and told the others I would bring them copies of it. Am I a nice person or what?
Today I really have to try to get everything set up for a garage sale... at least get everything out of the driveway. It's starting to look like a redneck lives here, though I don't have any major appliances in the yard. The attic is cleared out. Wooooooo hooooooo! I think it's the first time in 40 years or so. I will put a few things back up there, but the rest is going in the garage sale.
Brian asked me to meet him for lunch today but I passed. He's coming to Amarillo to take his girls shopping and invited me to come up there and join them for lunch. I don't want to take time out to drop what I'm doing and drive all the way to Amarillo for a bite to eat.
Since I'm doing this garage stuff pretty much by myself, I need to keep plugging away. I don't want to spend all of Sunday doing this. I need tomorrow to get the last few things off my laptop and see if I can get another computer running so I won't be without internet. (Don't know if I could handle that.)
I'm still trying to figure out how I can get my dad's crap out of the garage and out to his shop. I only know two people with a truck. Brian and an ex-boyfriend. Brian has other things going on. My ex-boyfriend was working yesterday. My brother has a trailer, but he won't answer his phone or return my calls. I have no other people I know that could help me out. It's very frustrating.
Well, my printing is done so I guess I better get to work.

Thursday, July 28, 2005


I've really been doing it. I've been cleaning out my garage all day today. I know. You're shocked. I've only been talking about cleaning out my garage for the past oh 9-10 months or so. But I said I would and I am. Now most of what was in my garage is now in my driveway. I really hope it doesn't rain any time soon. I've been making my sell pile, keep pile and toss pile. Luckily my keep pile is about half of my sell pile.
I'm really, really hoping that Brian can come down tomorrow and take some of the stuff that is supposed to go to my dad's for me. If not, I may try to get in touch with another friend of mine. Tomorrow I'm also going to have my cousin and Josh get everything down from the attic and start going through it.
My blogging will probably be light for the next few days. Am going to keep myself busy with cleaning. So unless something comes up that I need to get out or report, I'll post when I get through the cleaning.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Working Girl

Had to work again today teaching a workshop on PageMaker. It was a little weird having to teach it in front of my boss. Usually I've had to teach this workshop by myself. I guess I was feeling a bit intimitated by having him there. But I got through everything and he didn't break in on anything much. Actually learned something new from him. Then after the workshop we had to meet with an adviser that was thinking of switching companies. Though she doesn't have much of a good reason other than she wants to try other companies out. I hope we made her think a little bit. She is supposed to call me tomorrow to let me know what her decision is. I hope for my boss's sake she doesn't leave.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to Dumas to work on a cover. It will be my last trip for this job. But the good thing is that I'll be keeping my laptop until Monday. Still don't know what I'm going to do about another computer. I need to call my principal and see about getting into my room at some point this summer so I can check it out.

I was going to start on my garage today. I opened it up and was overwhelmed. I'm really going to need some help with it. Guess I'll have to call my cousin and get Josh to help. I'm hoping Brian can bring his truck and get some of my dad's stuff moved out, but he sprained his ankle and may have to stay off of it for a while. He was going to come down today but didn't because of his ankle. It's been two weeks since I've seen him. I still have not come to any conclusions about it and am still taking a break from thinking about it. If I see him, I see him. If I don't, I don't.

I know this entry is boring as heck, but that's all that's going on in my life. And now I'm going to go do dishes so I can keep my house clean.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Back to work

Had to teach my workshop today. I think it went pretty well overall. My presentation seemed to keep most people interested and I had several activities for the staffs to do. I'm thinking it might just be o.k. to be going back to teaching. I still haven't told the majority of my advisers that I'm leaving. I hope they'll be able to handle it o.k. I hope that my boss doesn't lose any accounts because of me leaving, but I think that he's going to discover just how much I did do.

When I came home today I was exhausted though. Going back to teaching all day is definitely going to take some getting used to. My schedule will no longer be flexible and I'm definitely going to be earning my paycheck.

My laptop was fixed today except now the "M" key doesn't work very well. But since I have to give it back in a week, I guess it doesn't matter much. I do need to figure out what to do about another computer. I know I can't afford one right now, but I am thinking of going to talk to my bank about a loan to pay off my credit cards and possibly get a new computer and see if they don't laugh too hard at me. I'm hoping I can at least keep them from rolling on the floor laughing.

I've gotten several interesting comments regarding Brian on both my blogs. (yes, I did start a 2nd secret blog where I could post a little more freely) Right now I'm going to try to just not analyze about it so much. Not going to stop seeing him, but not going to necessarily move too much forward either. Kind of leaving it up in the air at the moment. Life is going to get busy very soon and that's something I won't have time to really mess with. I really need to focus on being able to live for the next two months.

But on the happy news front, my house is still clean. It's been taking a bit of effort, but trying to at least keep it clean until I start school. And although I know ya'll are laughing about the fact that I keep saying I'm going to clean my garage, but I really, really am. Really. I have a week and a half before going back to work and I have to get it done now or never. And since I know that I won't want to scrape snow off my car and de-ice my windows this winter, I must get it done. I just need to find a patron saint of cleaning and enormous tasks to pray to for help. If you don't hear from me by the end of next week, send out the search crew.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Up in the Air

O.k. so maybe Brian isn't history. I don't know anything any more. Talked to him online last night. Turns out things just got very busy and he lost power to his cell phone and didn't even have a room at the time he called on Thursday. He told me I shouldn't panic just because I don't hear from him in a couple of days.

But I'm also uncertain about a lot of things but at the same time I don't just want to walk away. I fear if I don't give it a chance it would be a mistake. But then again if it's not meant to be I don't want to waste his time when he could be finding the right one. Once again I want all the answers beforehand. But since I don't have them I'm just playing the wait and see game.

I think I upset him a bit last night because I was still in a mood and had told him that I thought he was history because he hadn't called. But I was being honest. And maybe he is right that perhaps I'm trying to sabotage the relationship. I don't know why I do things like that. I guess I'm pushing the limits to see if he's really going to stick around. The thing is... I think he would until I either pushed way too many buttons or told him it was over. And that's one thing that is appealing about him.

And perhaps Summer is right that I started dating too soon after Marty and still don't have that closure. (And I know I never will because guys won't give us that) So what am I to do? The only thing I know to do just keep getting to know Brian and see if he will fit. I'm finding there are several ways that he does fit, but then again, there are a few things that need some alterations.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Went on a date with myself

My last night alone here. Josh comes home tomorrow. I was still unsure of what to do with myself. If I stayed home I'd do nothing but watch t.v., read, and stay online. So I decided to take myself out. Yeah, I'm broke, but I'll figure out how to pay for it later.

I took myself to dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant. Afterwards I treated myself to a movie and went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And I had a great time with myself. Maybe it's not so bad to be alone. Mind you I don't want to end up alone, but am thinking it will be o.k. for a while. I've really got to learn to love myself more and treat myself better perhaps. I hardly ever do anything for myself. And this is coming from a fairly selfish person. But it's true, I don't buy myself too many things and don't treat myself. And I should. Because I deserve it. And if I can't get dates otherwise, I'll just take myself out.

I think this was the first time I went to the movies alone. Not that it bothered me. Actually I quite enjoyed it. Sure it's nice to go with a date where you can cuddle, hold hands, and share about the movie afterwards, but it's o.k. to go alone as well.

I'm not certain, but I think Brian may be history. I haven't talked to him on the phone since Monday, I think. Talked to him online on Tuesday and he'd said he call yesterday. Didn't hear from him. I called him today and was only able to leave a message. He called while I was gone and said he'd call back, but there were no other calls. Usually when he gets to Vaughn he at least calls to tell me his room number so I can call him. He didn't.

I can't be sure of what it is but I have several ideas. First he probably senses my distance and uncertainty. He may have finally come to realize that I would not move to Dalhart. It could have been my depression that hit earlier in the week. (Although I did tell him I could be moody) I printed out my blog and I think he's been reading and that may have upset him. But I can't be anyone other than who I am. If he has decided to not pursue something romantically, I hope he at least is honest with me. I can accept that. I do hope that we remain friends. But I guess we'll see. Of course this is all speculation on my part, but I'm usually right on about such things... though sometimes I don't realize it until much later. Just read all the posts about Marty and you can see for yourself.

So if I have to be alone for a while I guess I'll be o.k. I may not always like it, but I do accept it and know that I will survive because I always do.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Still Cleaning

Sorry I haven't been posting daily and the posts are generally boring. I don't have a lot to report. I do have lots of things tumbling around in my head, but have not been able to pen it.

My house is almost clean. I'm working on the kitchen today and then will tackle Josh's room. Still holding off on the garage until next week.

Why am I cleaning so much? Well, there's usually four reasons why I'd be cleaning. 1.) Because I have company coming over. 2.) Just because I'm disgusted with it and have to do something about it. 3.) Because I'm angry 4.) Because I'm depressed. oh wait... there's kind of a weird 5th reason... sometimes I clean when we have a tornado warning... weird, I know.

Right now I'm wavering between 2 & 4. My house has certainly needed to be really cleaned for a while and am trying to get off to a good start when schools begins. But I've also been fighting a bit of depression lately and I'm not sure why. I'm thinking perhaps it's just PMS or something. I have a lot of things to sort through and figure out regarding my feelings for Marty, Brian, teaching, the house, my finances etc.

I admit to being disappointed that Brian isn't going to make my band concert. It's just one of those things that I can't do anything about, but it brings up memories of the many times my parents didn't come to my performances. At first it was because Brian was choosing to work an extra job on Thurs. rather than having to be on the railroad and that was upsetting a bit, but I understand that he has to make a living so I tried not to let it bother me too much. But it did. But now it turns out he'll probably be in Vaughn or on a train on Thursday so I guess I can't gripe too much.

There are some others that may come to the concert however. A couple of people I chat online with have said they're coming. And one of my ex-boyfriends that enjoys band concerts is probably going to be there too. So that will be nice.

Well, I better get off my butt and get back to cleaning.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Don't know what to do with myself

Been here by myself at the house a week now. I've cleaned and rearranged the living room. Cleared out my office. Packed things away that I will return to my boss or take to school. I cleaned my bedroom this afternoon. Going to continue to work on my house this week. I really don't know what else to do. Sure, there's other stuff I could be doing, but this seems to be the most productive. And it's slow going. It's not like I'm working non-stop. I do take a lot of breaks. And I'm still playing in director's band which I am thoroughly loving.

I miss playing in band so very much. And it's not just band it's being under the direction of Dr. Garner. He truly is a master of music and I really, really enjoy playing in an ensemble directed by him. By the way, the concert is this Thursday. If you're in the area and want to come, send me an email and I'll give you the details. It's free, btw.

Still trying to sort the whole relationship stuff out. Am making absolutely no progress. Guess I just need to give it a rest. I can't imagine a state of life where I don't worry about something.

Got pretty depressed yesterday trying to figure out my finances. Still trying to figure out if I can even afford to live. But since I still don't even know what I'm going to be making, it's hard to know where to begin. Guess I'll have to give that a rest to.

So now what? What am I supposed to do with myself? Oh.. yeah.. guess I still have that garage to tackle. I've only been talking about it since last November. Well, maybe I'll get to that too.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Affairs of the Heart

Brian was in a bad mood last night. Well, maybe not so much a bad mood, but more in a down mood. I'm not sure what was up with it all. He said it was because it wasn't a very productive day. Maybe.

He mentioned last night that he needed to find more things to do with his youngest daughter because the other two will be leaving in a year. I think he worries about being somewhat alone. I also think he realizes that I won't be moving to Dalhart either.

I still like Brian and think he's a great guy. I'm just not certain that we're right for each other. I think he wants to get married and live a "normal" happily married life in Dalhart. But he seems to think that there are no available women Dalhart (because he pretty much knows everyone that lives there). But if he branches out, then he's going to have to find someone with no ties to the area that they are in and would be willing to move. And that isn't me.

Why can't things ever be simple and the way we want it?

And yes, I'm still dealing with the issues of my heart regarding Marty. Am still having a hard time telling myself to close that door. And because of that I'm still keeping Brian at bay. Or maybe it's more than that. I just don't know these days.

A part of me thinks Brian is a truly wonderful man and a very good catch. And I would be a fool to just discard him because I haven't come to terms with a lot of things. I guess that's why I'm hanging in there playing the wait and see game. I know I don't have to know everything and there's no rush, but at the same time I don't want him to hold out for me when he could be finding someone more suitable.

And then there's Marty. I know, I know, I know that I have to let go. And I don't even know why I'm hanging on other than the fact that I was in love with him. In all honesty, we only had a couple of really good months together where everything seemed right. But starting in October is when I noticed that things had started to go downhill and things had changed and I still haven't figured out what it is. And perhaps that is my problem... the fact that I don't know. This is difficult for a person that has to know everything. So I wonder if I did something. I wonder if he still had feelings for his ex. I wonder if he ever did love me. I wonder if he did love me, why did it stop? I wonder if he'd always had thoughts of being with me, but when he got me, he discovered I wasn't what he thought I would be. I wonder if he's just trying to be noble to make it easy on me while he's gone. I wonder so many more things. And I have no answers. I also wonder why I'm letting this bother me so much. I have lots of friends and family tell me to not expend my emotional energy on Marty. That he's not worth it. He left me hanging. He couldn't tell me how he was feeling. He kept me guessing. He didn't make an effort with me. And this is all true. So why can't I move on?

I thought maybe I was ready to date again. I decided that if Marty didn't want me, that perhaps someone else did. That maybe I was still a good catch. And I think that in a lot of ways I am. I also know that I'm not perfect and can be difficult. But I also think I deserve to be loved and have a great capacity to love someone. So what's my problem? Is it the hang-up with Marty? Is it simply that Brian isn't the right person? Or is it something else entirely that I hadn't even thought of?

Yes, I know I think and analyze too much. But that is who I am. I want all the answers. I don't necessarily need for everything to be simple, but it would be nice if things could at least be a little easier and not so complex.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Sucks to be single sometimes

I bought a new desk. Figured out a way to manage it financially and then it was on sale even! So I got it home and had to unload it by taking out a few pieces at a time. And then I spent five hours last night just doing the initial hardware installations. My hand still hurts from screwing in a bajillion screws. (yes, that's an official number)
So this morning I continue on in putting the desk together and now I'm to a point I can't finish it because it takes two people. Josh is at band camp so he can't help. David moved out. I have no other friends in Canyon that can help. Brian is 100 miles away and I don't want him to drive all the way down here just to help me put the desk together. I called an ex-boyfriend but am guessing he's at work today or out of town. Have an offer from a couple of guys that I chat with online, but not sure I feel comfortable in having them help me. So I'm stuck. I may see if I can get my friend Kirsten to come help after band today.
It's one of those days that sometimes I wish I had a man around... but I'll get over it. Sometimes they're more trouble than they're worth.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

contemplations of change

The title sounds more interesting than it really is. I'm really just contemplating the state of my office and furniture. I'm thinking of getting rid of my office altogether so I can have a guest bedroom here. I'm thinking of getting a new, smaller desk to put in the living room and then using the current large desk I have for my sewing/craft table when I move it out the little building in my back yard. But I don't have a bed for the guest room yet; I do have an air bed that could be used temporarily. I just wish I wasn't so broke. I have so many things I want to do with my house and I just can't get it all done. I either don't have the money or the time or both. Right now I have the time, but not the money. Oh well... I guess I'll get a little of it done at a time.
Today I rearranged my living room so that it's more cozy and the t.v. can be viewed better. Tonight I'm going to work on the office. I have no idea what I'll do tomorrow. But I am going to hit every room for the next two weeks. Still need to do the garage, but will plan for that this weekend.
I know this is boring. I really don't have much more to tell. I still have a whole lot of thoughts swimming in my head regarding Brian and dating and what-not, but not sure if I want to post all of it here. Will think about it some.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I guess it's my vacation

I'm back home and not sure what to do now. Oh, sure the house needs to be cleaned and there's plenty to do, but I guess I just don't want to do any of it right now. It's my first day and night here all by myself at the house. I guess this is how it will feel when Josh goes off to college in four short years. That is assuming I'm still on my own.

I don't know if I'll ever get remarried or find the right relationship. Things are going o.k. with Brian. I still enjoying spending time with him, but something is still nagging at me and I'm keeping him out of my heart. I guess I'm still seeing too many differences, not enough commonality, and certainly the distance is still a factor. He's still caught up in the idea that I'd eventually move to Dalhart and I can't seem to convince him how unlikely that would be. And maybe I'm still "thinking" too much, but I can't help it.

But it is my last bit of vacation for the summer. I'm going to director's band this afternoon. This evening I'm going to start cleaning the house and if the weather cooperates I'm going to start working on my garage this week. I really have to get that done.

I wrote Prison Pete a letter back and am sending him the updates from my blog that he hasn't read since his editor stopped sending him blog updates. I also printed out my entire blog for Brian to read. All 238 pages. It took about half an ink cartridge. I need to check out having it printed locally. I'd like to reread it myself.

Well, I guess I better get my butt in gear and get moving before the day is gone.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Home Alone

I'm home alone for the next two weeks. I'm not sure I can remember the last time I had a house all to myself for this long. Last year David was still here. Year before that I was still married. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. A part of me wants to just run around the house naked.

Josh will be at band camp for the next two weeks. I'll be playing in director's band. I really need to muster up the strength to clean out my garage. I hope I do.

I'm going to Dalhart tonight to see Brian. I'm not sure how long I'm staying but will hopefully spend tonight and most of tomorrow with him.

And now I think it's time for a nap.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Heard from Marty

Marty called me today. First time I've talked to him since April (outside of IM's). He wanted to thank me for the birthday present I sent him. (I sent his favorite candy and a star wars figure) It was good to hear from him. He told me about his work up there and why things have been so busy for him.

I do have more thoughts on the subject but not sure really what to say about it. I told him not to be a stranger. But I imagine it will be a long while before I hear from him again.

Borrowed from Patrick

Who borrowed it from someone else. Play along if you'd like.

Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more. Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.

Back Home

I'm back from the trip to Albuquerque. I was able to ride a couple of coasters so I'm happy about that. It was nice to get away, but I'm glad to be back home. I'll write more details later. Just wanted to let my readers know that I'm back and will be posting again soon.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Festivities on the 4th

Well I had a pretty successful get-together at my place on the 4th. Had plenty of food and drinks. I didn't get drunk. The fireworks show was decent for Canyon.

Brian is still a great guy and I'm really glad I got to spend the holiday with him. He helped fix a couple of things around here. Still thinking that perhaps he's a keeper.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Letter from Prison Pete

If you have read my blog for a long time now, you know that I read a blog written by a guy named "Prison Pete." For those of you new to my blog, let me give you some background. I found Pete's blog randomly one night. I clicked on recently updated blogs and found it. It is written by a guy that is in prison. How is this done you ask? He has a friend on the outside that he sends letters to and the friend posts them on a blog for him. It is done via snail mail so there is a delay between the postings and when the things actually happened. I found it very interesting, fascinating and disturbing to read. So of course I kept reading. Pete is a very intelligent man that has an eclectic taste in music and is an avid reader. I asked him what he was in prison for early on and he evaded the question. But I kept reading because it was interesting to get an idea of the life of a prisoner. I also developed a friendship with his editor through email. Then one day I got this idea to suggest his blog as a blog of note on the blogger main page. Until then I was about his only audience. After I made the suggestion it literally exploded. It went from a few hits a day to thousands. Because of his blog traffic, I ended up with more traffic on my blog and one of the reasons I've gotten a few people that read my blog. Well I opened a can of worms that I didn't expect and it through his editor into a fit, but he kept publishing it and the hysteria eventually died down. I met his editor last fall when I went to see Marty. His editor lives in the northeast and was only about an hour drive from Marty so I went and had lunch with him. He's a very nice guy and I'm glad I've gotten to know him.

Pete is a prolific writer and his editor has found it difficult to keep up with the workload of it sometimes. For a while he had some of his faithful readers, myself included, helping to type some of his handwritten letters. Then at one point he was going to quit doing the blogging for Pete altogether, but finally decided in the end to keep it up, but no longer send Pete copies of other peoples blogs or deal with reader comments. At that point, Pete decided he would open the door to others writing him directly. I debated about whether I should or not. I still didn't know what Pete was in for and I suspected it was pretty bad given his sentence and guessed at it being a sex crime. When I told the editor I wanted Pete's address, he offered to tell me what Pete was in prison for and I told him I would like to know. And yes, it is not a very nice thing and most people upon hearing the story would say they couldn't bring themselves to write to him. And maybe I shouldn't, but in getting to know Pete through his blog, I figured he is still human and decided to write anyways. This does not condone his actions in any way and if he was a random guy I would never have written to him. But in getting back into church I decided that it's not for me to judge him and that is between Pete and God. So I wrote him a letter while I had down time during speech camp.

I got his response today. He is still a long-winded writer as he sent 17 pages handwritten. I guess being in prison you have a LOT of extra time on your hands. It is interesting to have a kind of one to one dialogue that isn't written for his blog. And I will probably keep writing to him once in a while.

I won't be posting Pete's letters as that is what his blog is for. But if he says something that bears repeating I may write about it.

Is it scary for me to be writing to a prisoner? Generally I would say that it is something I would find a bit unnerving, but because I've gotten to know his editor who has known Pete since they were kids, I got a good deal of background about him. I don't feel he is one of those dangerous guys that would come after me. But writing to one is something I never imagined myself doing. But I've since done many other things in my life that I never imagined either. So it will be interesting to say the least.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy 4th of July!

So what are your plans for today? Mine? Thanks for asking. I'm having a party of sorts here at my house. My sister and her crew is coming in from Albuquerque some time today. Brian will also be here (yay!) as well as other family members and some friends.

I decided to keep it simple and we're having sandwich fixings and some appetizers. I'm in the process of getting my house cleaned and ready for everyone.

On the happy news front, my cousin David is moving out today! O.k. maybe I shouldn't be so happy about that, but it is a relief. He has really been grating on my nerves a lot lately and it will be nice to just be me and Josh once again. Once he's out I'm going to work on the room he was in and turn it into a sewing/craft room for myself. I'm hoping that maybe Brian will help me with some floor tile or something.

I hope everyone has a festive 4th with good food and friends... or even good friends and food.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Singing in the Choir

I went to my second choir rehersal tonight. I joined the special choir that will be singing during the dedication cermonies for our new church. Tonight about half the people were missing because of the 4th of July weekend.

I really enjoy the singing, but I think I'm not very good at it. It's not so bad with a fuller group and I can hide a bit under the other voices. I need to work on learning the melodies on my own I guess. But I am slowly meeting some new people which has been nice. Everyone seems excited that I'm going to be doing RCIA in the fall. I was asked tonight who my sponsor would be. I have no idea. I really only know one person in the church and I'm not sure if she could be my sponsor because she helps with RCIA. So I don't know. I just hope I get someone I like and will be helpful to me.

Another reason I joined the choir though was the hope of perhaps working with a music ensemble at some point. I'd love to be able to play my clarinet more. And perhaps I'll get more confident in singing.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

A few thoughts

First thought: Speech camp is over. Yaaaahooooooo! I did learn about LD Debate again and can hopefully use it next year, but am truly relieved that it's over. It took up a LOT of time.

Next commentary: Brian came over last night for dinner as well as my dad and his girlfriend. We had a nice time. I made pizza and ceasar salad. I didn't have time to make dessert, but everyone seemed to enjoy dinner. Carol Ann thought Brian was nice and reiterated again that I need to go slow. Carol Ann and dad left at 10:00; Brian stayed until a little after midnight. I won't go into details. But will again state we did not have sex, but I know it's going to be hard to continue avoiding that. And that's all the details I'm giving right now.

Blogging thoughts: I've been thinking about my writing lately and am concerned about the fact that I'm limiting myself because of my audience. It was one thing when I was completely anonymous, but now that others read my blog and they know me in real life, I stifle my words.
Actually I've done that from the beginning, really. I started this blog because of Patrick. And in the beginning he was my only audience. And in that time, I never mentioned Marty or anything about him until I blogged about the "kink in things". I didn't want to upset Patrick by commenting about the fact that I was dating others and such. He knew that I was seeing others, but I didn't want to rub it in his face.
When Marty was reading my blog from time to time, I didn't hold back. With him, I felt I could be honest with him. And it is still that way. In fact many times I wrote things regarding him in hopes that he'd read it in the blog. And now that he's really not reading it, I guess it doesn't matter what I write in it.
Now that my friend Bret is reading I think I'm holding back on that wild side. I know he doesn't have a pristine image of me, but it just seems kind of weird to be writing about certain things like sex, drinking, and other sinful things. And yes, I know he understands we're all sinners and what-not... guess he has to since he's a preacher, but it still feels weird.
And now Brian. So far I haven't completely held back because I have made it clear that I've continued to struggle with issues about Marty, but I haven't put all my thoughts out there on everything regarding him. Things that I'm not sure he needs to know, or wants to know, or that I can even really explain. Mostly exploratory thoughts that don't really lead anywhere.

So I guess I'm catering to my audience now. That's not necessarily bad because I guess they don't need to know EVERYTHING. But what I enjoyed about blogging was the ability to put it all out there. People ask me why do I do that? Don't you worry about someone reading your blog? Well, isn't that the point? To have people read it and not judge you. Or judge you, but because you don't know them, you don't care? I think one of the greatest things I've found in blogging is that I'm not alone. People out there feel the same way I do. They have similar struggles. But what do I do about the thoughts circling in my head and that I feel I can't share with my audience? Do I write those in my private journal at home? Do I start another blog that isn't shared with people I know? Or do I just keep all the thoughts in my head and leave them to sort themselves out?