Monday, January 31, 2011

Bitter Cold

I have say that I hate being cold.  And we’re in for a winter storm warning along with a Wind Chill warning where the wind is supposed to blow around 50 mph tomorrow with a potential wind chill of 25 below zero.  I have the heat up in my house, the extra heater turned on my bedroom, my waterbed heat on, and a heating pad awaiting me.  I don’t want to jinx anything by remaking on the fact that it would be nice to have school canceled tomorrow, but who knows what will happen.  Both the superintendent and assistant superintendent are out of town (in Austin, no less) so I’m not sure who gets to make the call on the weather.  But we’re supposed to have whiteout conditions with the wind – but you never know what will really happen.  I could use the day to catch up, but I’ll plan on just bundling up for now.  I have my long john underwear ready. 

In the good news arena, the yearbooks arrived today so I’ll get to start passing those out.  I only briefly glanced at it since I’m still tired of looking at the pages.  In the bad news area, I found myself with a very intense back pain today and I have no idea what caused it.  I didn’t wake up with the pain, nor did I feel it in the shower.  I only felt it when I put on my socks today and it was just suddenly there.  And it didn’t go away.  And it got pretty bad this morning.  I took 3 tylenol and it only helped slightly.  It finally felt a little better by this afternoon, but still not completely gone.  It is very strange. 

Matthew and I had a lengthy text discussion about grading students today.  He’s for the idea of not allowing students to fail with a D or F, but instead they get an “NY” which means they have “not yet” mastered the subject.  While I agree with the idea that if students just need more time to understand a subject they should get it, the main reason my students fail is due to laziness and an “NY” as a grade just keeps giving them more chances – which is what they already have now as they are in mandatory tutorials if they fail for a six weeks.  I just wonder if not allowing students to actually fail is more of a disservice to them since college and life doesn’t regularly give people 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. 

Well, I took some tylenol (one being a tylenol p.m.) and I’m going to go read until I can’t stay awake.  I do hope for the snow day tomorrow, but won’t hold my breath.  We have to have highways shut down before school will be closed. 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Home Again

The trip seemed really long.  I was so ready to be home but I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything.  I’m still coughing, but feeling generally better.  I was able to sleep in this morning which was nice, but we didn’t leave until fairly late which sucked.  I got home around 6:30 and immediately changed into pajamas.  I figured my taxes as much as I could without Josh’s 1098 from school.  Right now it looks like I’ll get about $1000 back, but all of that money will have to go to paying Josh’s school bill unless my aunt and uncle help out.  It would have been nice to use it for vacation this year.  I should try to catch up on school work, but once again, I’m completely unmotivated.  I need to work on my resume since I cannot be assured of the library job next year with all the budget cuts.  I would think that would be a crucial position to keep, but you never know.  The librarian turned in her resignation at the last board meeting so we’ll see what happens. 

It’s almost 9:00 and I really want to just go to bed.  Josh may be calling me between 9:30 and 10:00 though.  I need to take my next antibiotic dose, but I really should eat something while taking it because the last time I took it without eating, I felt like I wanted to throw up.  But I’m not hungry.  I guess I’ll see if I can find some crackers or something to munch on.  I finished the third book in the Lee Child series I’m reading.  Now I’ve downloaded a different book just to break things up.  I bought The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo since it was only $5.00 and had lots of good reviews.  Not totally getting into it yet, but it might grow on me. 

I feel like I need to take a day off of work to just get things done around my house.  I’m not going to though.  I’m taking off three days in two weeks when I have to do my capstone and I’ll be taking off the day of graduation in May.  I should probably save some of my days since I no longer have any local days left and I’m using my state days. 

I guess I’ve rambled enough.  I’m going to read a bit and then probably go to sleep early.  Will see if I can get to sleep tonight without the ambien. 

Friday, January 28, 2011

In misery

I don’t know what it is about Academic Decathlon, but this is the 2nd time I’ve been sick at this event.  The coughing is better – not feeling it deep in my chest as before, but now I have the sneezing, watery eyes and general blah feeling.  I just want to be in bed.  I took a nap for about an hour and a half today and now it’s only 8 p.m. and I’ll be in bed within the next 30 minutes.  I’m scarfing down my subway sandwich, will call Matthew shortly, and then hit the bed.  I really hope I start feeling better tomorrow. 

Almost finished with the third book in the series I’m reading.  Not sure if I’m going to download the next one or work on other things tomorrow.  Sorry such a short post today.  Just really want to get to bed and sleep this off.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

and now I’m sick

Is it any wonder that I’m sick?  I started getting a sore throat on Monday.  Tuesday it turned into a cough.  I couldn’t go to the doctor on Tuesday because I was staying for the school board meeting and dinner with Matthew.  The meeting took forever – 2 1/2 hours. So it was a later dinner and I didn’t get home until 10:30.   I went to bed and woke up coughing more and starting to get hoarse.  I called my doctor at 9:30 from school and made an appointment for right after school.  Now I have an antibiotic and my ambien has been refilled. 

Tomorrow I have drive a group of kids down to Odessa for the Academic Decathlon meet.  They’re not ready, but they don’t really have any competition since we’re the only 4A school competing.  They’d like to get a wildcard spot for the state meet, but probably won’t make it.  So I’ll be gone for four days. 

Matthew went to Dallas for an interview today and the text I got from him said that he felt better about it than he did the last interview and he’s very interested in the job.  They’re doing callbacks for finalists on Friday.  He’ll find out tomorrow if he’s a finalist.  After talking to him last night, he said that if he got the job in Dallas, that he would definitely want to continue to pursue a relationship with me.  If it is elsewhere that is farther away, we would sit and have a long talk about it.

I won’t get to see Matthew for over a week.  I’ll be gone until Sunday and then he leaves Sunday to go to Austin until Wednesday next week.  We may go to Albuquerque next weekend though.  My aunt and uncle are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their church is throwing a surprise reception for them. 

I’m going to finish my dinner and then probably go read for a while.  I’m now on the third book of the series I’m reading on my Kindle.  I’m doing laundry and will need to pack and then I’ll probably call it an early night. 

Monday, January 24, 2011


I’m feeling tired lately.  I think all of the extra hours I spent preparing for Koobraey last week and then doing the speech tournament this weekend has caught up with me and my body is screaming at me that I need rest.  I also feel like I’m going to get sick as I have that bit of a scratchy feeling in my throat.  I bought some orange juice at the store and some cough drops, but not sure if it will help or not.  I’d like to go to bed but I have band rehearsal tonight. 

I’m making dinner for Matthew tomorrow night.  I feel like I haven’t really had the chance to spend quality time with him where we are able to just talk.  Yesterday was mostly spent dealing with his car battery, though we did talk some at lunch.  He’s leaving on Wednesday to interview in the Dallas area.  He’ll be flying down that morning and then flying back that evening.  Then I’m leaving for Odessa on Thursday and won’t get back until Sunday.  Then he’s leaving Sunday to go to Austin for some kind of business meetings. 

I have an ever growing to-do list, but I can only get so much done during the day.  Today I left school by 4:30 so I could go to the grocery store.  Now I’m home and I need to eat something, but I’m just not hungry.  Maybe I’ll eat a little something after band rehearsal.  I think for now that I’ll have a little more orange juice.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Still looking for that break…

The speech tournament was a success yesterday.  We ended on time which has been our reputation for many years.  It was a long day though.  I had to get to school at 6:30 a.m. and went non-stop until the tournament ended at 8:18 p.m.  Then we went out to eat so I didn’t get home until 10:00.  I had to upload our tournament results and then I fell asleep.  I wanted to sleep in this morning, but I made myself get up and go to the 8:30 service.  Then I headed to Hereford to work.  I had plans to have lunch with Michael so I went to the school and was going to work for about an hour first.  After I texted him, he called me because his car battery was dead.  I went over to see if I could give him a jump but he decided to just get a new battery so I took him to Walmart.  Turns out I couldn’t give the jump anyway because of my car being a hybrid.  Then he didn’t have the tools he needed to get the bolt of the thing that holds the battery in place so we made another trip to Walmart.  Finally he got the job done and his battery changed.  We went to lunch and visited a while.  He told me more about his frustrations and even said something that I took to be complimentary.  He said that he had told the superintendent that he wanted to resign in December but she talked him out of it.  He said that if it weren’t for me, that he would have left during Christmas and probably not come back.  He said that having me to go out with and do things with makes things bearable for him right now and that I’m the bright spot in his life at the moment.  I wish I could ease his frustrations and make things better, but I know this is something that he has to work out on his own. 

I went back to the school to work but felt completely exhausted and couldn’t focus.  I got a couple of things done, but decided to just come back home and nap.  Of course now I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight.  I have a long to-do list that I’m trying to get through, but it seems impossible.  I have to be gone Thurs-Sun this week at the Academic decathlon competition.  So that means planning for a substitute which is always a daunting task.  I have lots of papers to grade that I haven’t gotten to yet.  I just hope that one of these days I’ll catch up on everything.  Perhaps it would help if I stopped procrastinating.  I think I’m just feeling burned out on teaching and my motivation level is really low at the moment. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Just Stuff

Think I’ll do this in blurbs:

  • I’m losing weight again which is good (down to 167, lowest it has been in 10 years), but it’s because I haven’t had time to eat which is bad.
  • Koobraey hell is over and overall it went well.  A few glitches, but generally a good show with mostly positive responses.
  • I looked fantastically hot last night.
  • Matthew didn’t come and I was hugely disappointed.  But it turns out his daughter asked him to call for some important information the same time Koobraey was on it and it turns out she got engaged and family always triumphs over sort-of girlfriends that you’re still not sure about.
  • Matthew went to Houston today for a job interview.  Don’t know how it went.  I asked him to call me sometime tonight.  Not sure if he will.
  • Have to spend an hour or two entering judges for the speech tournament tomorrow.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to do all the planning for it.  I’m just setting up the software on the computer.
  • I have yet to turn in lesson plans for this semester.  It’s on my lengthy to-do list.
  • I can’t decide if I want to keep growing my hair out or chop it off.  It’s getting to that in-between stage where it takes more time to make it look good and I’m just lazy.
  • I have to figure out how to pay $750 for Josh’s school bill by April.  I haven’t had time to figure income taxes yet.
  • Another early day tomorrow.   I could use a break.
  • American Idol started and I haven’t watched it yet.  I wish I had more time these days. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

No news is…

well, just no news.  Matthew and I are still in limbo.  He is going to Houston for a job interview on Friday. I’m not sure how interested he is in the job as he said that the district is probably too big and he doesn’t really know much about Houston.  I don’t particularly like Houston, but he may love it.  Still don’t know if this is just the beginning of the end or whatever.  We’re still communicating somewhat, but it is stifled as always.  I can’t just write him off as of yet because unfortunately, I’ve grown to care about him and I really like him in spite of his flaws.

I am ready for the Koobraey nightmare to be over.  This week is extra fun because we are doing benchmark testing and I’m losing lots of extra time I would normally have to get things done.  I stayed at school until 6:00 working and then came home so I could get the script written.  But you know me… I’m blogging because I’m avoiding something that I really need to do.  I’ll get started on it shortly and try to get to bed early again.  I’ve been taking 1/2 a tylenol p.m. around 9:00 each night and I’ve fallen asleep by about 10:00.  Then I wake up a little before 5:00.  I never go back to sleep, but I eventually get up around 6:00 and amazingly I’m not totally exhausted.  Tomorrow will be a very long day as I have to get so much done.  I’ll be staying after for several hours, but I hope to everything done so I don’t have to stress as much the day of.  So at least I’ve been getting to school early the past few days. 

Two more days and I’ll be done with the last of one of the biggest headaches that I have.  Well, I gotta go get this script written and then try to get to bed at a decent hour.  Wish me luck.  And if you’re the praying sort – I wouldn’t mind a few prayers for myself- that I can get through the stress and potential relationship downfall, and for Matthew that he figures things out and finds the happiness that he is looking for.  

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sometimes I wish I was wrong

So Matthew did come clean with me.  He hates living in a small town that makes him still feel like an outsider after being here a year and a half.  He is applying for other jobs in other states.  I pose a problem for him because he doesn’t know what to do with me.  He still likes me, but doesn’t think it’s fair to me if he continues to pursue something when he could leave for another job.  Of course this is all based on the maybe that he’ll get another job.  He also said it could just be a phase, but he just doesn’t know.  So we talked a little bit about it but came to no resolution.  I asked him if he had ever listened to the music I gave him for Christmas.  He said that he hadn’t yet.  I told him that he probably should.  I don’t think it will make a difference.  I think his mind is made up, he just isn’t admitting it yet.  So I’m not counting on anything, I highly suspect we won’t last much longer because he will choose to walk away.  And it will hurt, but I will survive like I always do.  Because that is what I do.  Because I can never get it right it seems.  Relationships are always complicated I guess. 

I went to a speech tournament all day yesterday.  Rode on a bus for an hour and fifteen minutes yesterday morning with no heat.  After defrosting, I judged a few rounds and then read most of the day.  This morning I went to church and sang in the women’s ensemble.  Then I came home and napped a bit.  Then I read my book.  I went to the store to get a few things just a while ago.  Now I’ve taken half a tylenol p.m. and will head to bed soon.  Of course I didn’t get anything done as I wanted.  I’ve been in a funk and it is going to take some time to snap out of it. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I told you I’m always right

So I went on a date with Matthew on Saturday.  It was fine – other than the fact that he didn’t contact me about the time until about 45 minutes before I was supposed to be ready.  Ok, no big deal.  Talked to him briefly on Sunday.  Then the silent treatment from him for two days.  I happened to catch him coming into my school building yesterday and it was like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough and I was the last person he wanted to see.  I texted him last night and asked if everything was o.k.   No response.  I tried calling.  No answer.  This morning I got a text that he’s in a funk, still not sure what he wants, but he’ll call me tonight.  I won’t hold my breath. 

You know, I used to think that I was a moody person.  And maybe once upon a time I was.  I know that when I was unhappily married, I was quite moody.  Since then, however, most of the time, I’m on a pretty even keel.  It takes a lot to get me mad.  Even when I’m totally stressed, I tend to hide it pretty well and just deal.  But I’ve discovered that men are far more moody than women. 

I don’t know what this means.  I have my suspicions.  I think he wants to apply for jobs elsewhere and because he’s dating me, he is feeling tied down.  If I do get the chance to talk to him at some point, I’ll tell him not to hold himself back because of me.  I think that if he’s supposed to stay here, then that will happen.  If not, he’ll move on.  It will hurt once again, but I’ll survive.  That’s what I do – survive.  I have to.  I just wish I’d get it right for once, you know? 

In other news, I’m almost done with the yearbook and I’m about to send it off.  Koobraey voting is underway and though I’m not ready for it all to happen, it will come together like it always does.  But no rest for the weary.  Now it is on to this year’s deadlines, lesson plans, speech tournaments, and capstone in February.  Though I’ll have to be writing papers, I’m looking forward to my three days off from school. 

I cooked dinner for Josh and his friends tonight.  He’s been wanting me to make stromboli for a while now.  I made it and some fettucine alfredo.  I ate about two pieces and a good portion of fettucine and now I’m stuffed.  Even though I haven’t been trying, I’ve lost a little more weight.  The scale lately has been a pound less than my lowest weight loss.  Just two more pounds and I’ll be in the 160’s. 

Well, I’m going to try to finish editing the yearbook and then get it submitted – least until I can no longer keep my eyes open. 

Saturday, January 08, 2011

It’s that time of year

Posting will probably be erratic for the next week or two.  It’s that time of year when I have to deal with Koobraey.  It’s a lot of work and most of my extra hours are spent on it.  Dating makes it more difficult because I don’t want to give up time with Matthew.  He would absolutely understand if I said I couldn’t go out on the weekend, but I enjoy being with him so I just have to work around it.  We had a date tonight.  We ate Thai food at my favorite place and then went to the movies. We saw Little Fokkers and it was really good.  I laughed a lot.  After getting back, Matthew came in for a bit and we visited.  Kissed a little.  And now he’s headed back home.  I’m tired but I might try to read a little before going to sleep.  I’m about halfway through my “book.”  Reading on a Kindle is different.  Instead of knowing how much I have to go by site or by feel of the book, it shows a percentage at the bottom of my screen.  I like it, but I think I’ll appreciate it more when I go out of town and have multiple books in my small device.

I guess that’s all there is to tell. I got a lot done at school today but still have lots to do tomorrow.  I’ll go to church in the morning and then probably work from home.  We are supposed to get some winter weather, but I think we’re going to avoid the heavy stuff.  I think it’s just going to get really cold, really windy, and a little bit of snow.  We’ll see.  Well, I’m off to read and to bed. 

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Working too much

I’m going to be putting in a lot of hours in the next few weeks.  I stayed up at the school working until 7:45 tonight.  I’m going to stay late tomorrow night as well.  Matthew and I are probably going to go on a date this weekend – potentially Friday and Sunday.  I was supposed to go to a speech tournament this weekend, but the number of kids dropped so I won’t be required to go, so that means Saturday will be the day that I hopefully finish up the yearbook and get it gone.  The big yearbook fundraising event called Koobraey is coming up and it is very nightmarish to organize.  I’ve had two successful years, but the next two weeks will be insane. 

I received confirmation that I was accepted for the Capstone experience and I’ve applied for graduation.  Now I have to order my cap, gown, hood, and maybe announcements.  I’m not sure who I’ll send announcements to though.  Do people really do that with a Master’s degree?  I’ve submitted my school absence request for three days during the week of capstone so I can work on my papers.  I have one week to write three papers that are about 2000 words each (5-6) pages.  I’m so ready to be done with all of this.  I think I’ve said that a time or two before. 

I should be doing more school work right now, but I’m thinking of reading my book on my Kindle some more.  I like the convenience of the Kindle, but I kind of miss the feel of a book and knowing where you are.  Like when I’m getting close the end, I know it by the number of pages I have left.  The Kindle shows a percentage of the book that has been read.  I think I’ll appreciate it more when I travel. 

I was a bit worried last night because my aunt was taken to the hospital.  She had an asthma attack brought on by a cold.  She’s back home now and they’ve run tests to see if she might have pneumonia.  She’s feeling better, but still weak.  Tonight I took one of my last few ambiens.  I am hoping I’ll get a good night’s rest without the grogginess in the morning and try to get to school early to get work done.  I hear the flu is making the rounds again so I’m thinking I should go get a shot from my doctor.  Maybe I can do that on Friday and get another prescription for ambien.  I haven’t needed to take it very regularly.  My one prescription lasted about 4 or 5 months. 

Well, time to go read for a bit and call it a night.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Date Night

So maybe things are ok with Matthew.  I didn’t really talk to him as I had planned.  We went out to dinner tonight and it was good.  He didn’t seem as distracted and he said things that make me feel that things are o.k.  We are definitely getting together this weekend – possibly Friday evening and definitely on Sunday.  I made a suggestion to him that he agreed to which I think will be great.  We are going to sign up for a ballroom dancing class that will meet once a week for about 8 weeks. 

School was ok.  My new speech classes are small which is good.  I’m going to teach the book To Kill a Mockingbird to my English classes.  It is one of my favorite books so I’m looking forward to it.  I am still not getting enough done, but just taking it one day at a time.  Tonight I should have done school work, but going on a date with Matthew is more important right now.  I had sleeping issues last night – couldn’t fall asleep so I finally took a tylenol p.m. at 11:30.  It made me a little groggy this morning, but it did the trick.  I just took another one about 45 minutes ago so I’ll be out soon.

I have three websites that recently expired due to an issue with a credit card expiration and so I just purchased new hosting plans for all of them and now I can’t get them set up because it won’t give me the option to choose an older web server that allows for Front Page extensions.  I don’t have time to adjust my sites to another program so I submitted a help ticket to see what needs to be done about it.  One of the sites is really popular with speech teachers and I’ve received several emails in the past few days from people asking where it has gone and if it will be back up soon. 

Well, that’s all the excitement here.  I may try to read a few more pages of my new book on my Kindle until the tylenol p.m. kicks in.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Just Need More Time

It was a very long day today.  Luckily it was a work day at school and we didn’t have any students.  But even with the work day, I didn’t even come close to getting everything done.  I still don’t have access to half my yearbook drive files.  But I didn’t have time to work on the yearbook anyway.  I spent today ordering stuff for the upcoming yearbook fundraiser, getting stuff reading for my classes tomorrow, and grading this year’s staff’s yearbook page designs (I stayed at school until 8:45 this evening).  I did have a nice surprise when my dad called me around 11:00 and asked if I was free for lunch.  He was coming through town around 12:30 so we made plans to eat.  I called Matthew to see if he would be free and he was so he joined us.  It was a nice lunch and I was glad Matthew was able to come and meet my dad.  I still sense a distance in him and it is starting to bother me.  I know it isn’t my imagination.  My thought is that he is still very conflicted about dating me because he isn’t certain that he wants to fall for me because he still doesn’t know if he wants to stay where he is.  The problem is that though he tries to act like everything is o.k., I know it isn’t and I know I can’t do anything about it.  I’ll try to talk to him about it tomorrow, but not sure if I really want to.  I don’t want to push him for a commitment or anything, but I do want him to be able to open up with me about his fears and concerns.  I’m not even going to pretend it’s my imagination because I would have to say that my intuition is right 99.4% of the time. 

My Kindle came today, but I haven’t had much chance to enjoy it.  When I got home, I heated up dinner and did more school work for about an hour.  I finally got the Kindle charging and downloaded a book, but now it’s late so I don’t really have time to read.  How I wish that everything that is on my plate right now would just be done.  I could really use an “EASY” button right now.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Forcing an early bed time.

I took an abmien about an hour and  a half ago and I’m barely able to type somewhat coherently.  I need to fall asleep soon so I be rested enough to wake at 6:25.  I’m not ready to go back to school but I must.  I still have a million things to do but that is normal. 

I picked Matthew up at the airport and everything seemed ok.  He still seemed a bit distant, but no so much that he didn’t kiss me or hold my hand.  I do plan to talk to him about it at some point, but will give a few days for things to settle back down.  We have dinner plans for Tuesday evening.  Going with my friend Kirsten and Josh.

I’m happy to have him back close by and I look forward to going out on more dates and spending time with him. 

I think I better get off soon before my ability to type becomes further impaired.  I also have the hiccups which aren’t helping.  Have a good night all.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Maybe sleep really is overrated

I did stay up until midnight and had a glass of champagne.  I tried going to sleep around 12:30 and was still awake at 4:00 a.m.  I think I slept somewhere between 4:45 and 9:00 but not sure.  I had to be up by 9:30 so I could go convert files for my friend Mary.  I just got back from doing that and getting my car washed.  Now I’m trying to decide if I want to go back to sleep or get busy doing work.  I think sleep may win this round – that is if I can really get some sleep.  I don’t know what the problem is.  I may have to finish off my last few ambien this week to get my body back on a regular sleep schedule. 

I’m very excited that Matthew returns today.  I’m still a little wary about him for a variety of reasons, but am just hoping for the best and that he needed his time alone.  I’m anxious to see what kind of reception I get when I pick him up at the airport.  I think that will be the most telling. 

Well, I think a nap is calling so I’m going to try and see if I can get another hour or two of rest before I try to get some work done.