Superbowl Sunday

I can't remember the last time I watched a Superbowl. I don't think I've ever actually sat down and watched an entire game. Once in a while the t.v. is just while the game is airing, but rarely do I take the time to actually watch it. Yeah, some of the commericals are funny, but many of them just seem crass these days. It seems advertisers mostly think that it's only sex that sells. It gets old really fast. I've never been invited to or had a superbowl party... not that I would go or have one, but an invitation might be nice. So I'm here, home alone, and actually have the game blaring in the background. Josh has been invited to a party by a student that is on my speech team. I'm not sure what is going on there, but I think it's at least some mild flirtation or something going on. She's a nice girl, so I'm not worried about it. He is driving to Hereford right now, however and I still worry about him driving by himself. It's just a parent thing, I guess.

The tournament on Friday and Saturday went pretty well. It was a large tournament with some tough competition. One of my students finally got the last point he needed to qualify in Humorous interpretation. I wasn't sure if we'd get a sweepstakes trophy as there were only five events from Hereford in finals. But Tascosa always gives out sweepstakes trophies to the top five schools, so we made it home with yet another one. I made the decision to not go to another tournament next weekend. I really need the break and it's not going to be affordable to go.

I made a hotel reservation for my trip down to San Antonio. I decided to not take a day off from school since I'm taking one next week to judge a debate tournament. I normally don't like to judge CX but I'll do it when I get paid to do it. For the San Antonio trip, I'm going to leave immediately after school and drive about 6 hours. That way I only have about 2 1/2 hours on Saturday morning. Josh's concert is at 11:00 and I learned last year, that it's a good idea to get to the theatre well in advance. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay the night in San Antonio that Saturday or just turn around and head back home. I just hope the trip is better than last year. I may try to visit my ex-husband while down there, but it will just depend on if he's available. You might think it's strange to be friends with an ex, but that's just the way I've always been. I've never had a bad break-up where I've had bad feelings for someone. Sure, I was a little bitter after my divorce, but not enough to hold the grudge. Marty and I are still friends though we hardly talk much. I talk to my ex-husband probably once or twice a month. I guess I don't see the point in staying bitter and angry because it doesn't affect anyone but yourself. Usually the other person as moved on and if you're the one holding a grudge, you're holding it alone and just making yourself miserable. O.k. enough soap box preaching.

Well, I guess I need to get some laundry done so I can appear decent tomorrow. My cold is better, but I'm still coughing a bit today. I'll probably take some tylenol p.m. early tonight and just try to get some extra sleep.

Cleansing

If you have read my other blog at all, you know that I've done a lot of soul searching as I take steps in becoming Catholic. Because of some recent events, I have begun really looking into those things that I am harboring. Today I did what you might call a little house cleaning today. I got rid of some things that I have been holding on to, that are not helping me get closer to God. I also had a nice fire tonight. I had a stack of papers that would be considered "dirt" on another person and tonight I burned them along with some pictures that no longer have a place in my life. It was quite a relief to let go of all of it.

I found that it is more difficult to burn a stack of papers than it seems. I forgot about fire really needing oxygen to burn. When it didn't burn like I thought it should, I took a few papers and wadded them up putting some on top and then a few below. That seemed to do the trick to get the fire going pretty well. I then helped it along with the fireplace poker. I watched them burn until nothing but ashes were left.

Luckily I was a little smarter than my ex-husband. (I'm sorry Richard, but I have to tell the story on here.) Shortly before he and I met, he sort of did the same thing. He did it more out of anger, however. He had a girlfriend that he found out was cheating on him. He broke it off with her and then proceeded to gather a lot of the things he had bought her and decided to get rid of them. He lived out in the country at the time and had a large pit where he would throw his trash. He threw the stuff in the pit and poured gasoline or something to help it burn. He then threw a match down there. Nothing happened. He did it again. Again, nothing happened. Of course he would walk away for fear of flames coming up, but again and again, he couldn't get it to light. He finally dropped another match and watched it go down. Turns out that the pit was quite deep and the match would blow out before it hit the bottom. So he got smart. He wrapped a stack of matches together, lit them and threw them down into the pit. He briefly remembers the fireball that shot out. When he came to, he was about 20 feet away on his back. He had no eyebrows left and the top of his hair was singed. He really was quiet lucky, albeit stupid. We met shortly after that. I didn't really notice the eyebrows (I guess they had started to grow back in), but his face was still a little red I guess because he made a point to tell me that he had been involved in a fire. I figured it had something to with his job being a police officer and it was until sometime later I heard the real story. But I guess the cleansing for him seemed to help.

From 2003

Note: This is an entry from an older real journal that I wrote in January of 2003. I hadn't written in my journal for some time and had to update after being married. I am following in the footsteps of my friend Jonathon and posting things from my past just to see if anyone is interested in reading this stuff.

Well, it's been a very long time and will have a lot of catching up to do. Where to begin? I guess I'll start with getting married. I married Richard on December 19, 1998. We got married in the BIT and had the reception in the atrium of Northen Hall. Went on our honeymoon to a Sandals resort on the island of St.Lucia. Honeymoon was great! But won't get into it now.
As far as life after the honeymoon--I guess it's been less than perfect. Richard isn't the man I thought he was and I'm finding that I'm not the woman I thought I was. So many things have happened and I'd like to just place blame on Richard, but I know I can't. I'm not sure if it was something specific that happened or if things just digressed over time. I guess first I should get into the changes in me.
I quit teaching in May of 1999 and went to work for my yearbook rep. Overall this job change has been really good. It's stressful at times, but nothing as bad as teaching was.
I've gained about 40-45 pounds which really sucks and is a major part of my depression which I have finally been diagnosed with. I was reading the previous entries and noticed the whining about pushing the limits of a size 14 -- oh to be there again! Now I'm a full woman's size 18 and still gaining. I can't get it under control. I have zero willpower, no energy and no drive to do anything about it. I HATE my body.
One thing I haven't really been involved in and I miss is music. I played in the WT director's band two years ago and loved it! I really miss it. I'm going to start playing again in March with the clarinet ensemble. Maybe it will bring some happiness back in my life.
It's not that my life is so completely horrible. I have a family, nice house, pretty good income, some good friends but things still aren't right. My marriage has been on the rocks for a long time. I don't know if I should have seen it coming, but I guess I have a history of being blinded by the need to find love. When I first got to know Richard, I felt like we had a connection because it seemed like we could talk about anything -- now it seems we can't talk at all.

Moving Right Along

The busy week doesn't seem to be ending, but it's really a good thing (other than the state of my house at the moment). Yesterday I had RCIA class, tonight was choir practice for 2 1/2 hours. I really love singing in the choir, but I know I'm still not very good at it. But I do love rejoicing and learning the music. Our dedication of the Church this weekend will really be very special.
Tomorrow I'll be going to see Josh in the school musical. It will be really great to see him perform in another medium beside playing an instrument. I am so very proud of how talented he is. Oh! To brag a little bit, he made 7th chair in symphonic band and he's one of only two freshmen that made it.
Saturday is the dedication. Sunday is church. Josh and I also are planning to go see Harry Potter and then to dinner to celebrate our birthdays.
Luckily next week is a very short week of school... a day and a half. Because the HISD staff met the goal for the United Way, the superintendent is allowing us to only go a half day on Tuesday. Way cool.
So things are moving right along. Richard has been IM'ng me lately and it's been fun chatting with him. He said he really appreciated the nice things I said about him on here and that it made his day. I am glad.
Well, it's past my bed time and I have to trudge through another day of school tomorrow.

For my exes (though not all live in Texas)

I don't know if this stems from forgiveness, moving on or simply the fact that I've grown up. Perhaps it's a little of all three, but I wanted to write a post about some men that were special in my life once upon a time.

My ex-husband, Richard

I know I've given him a bad rep on here and have been less than kind in some of my posts about him. I don't deny that there were many issues in our marriage and he had some qualities that weren't admirable in my book, but I'm not going to dwell on such things. Because they no longer matter. Instead I will tell you some nice things about him.
He is a very talented man. He can act, write, and is a natural show-off. It was because of him I got an interest in theatre and had some great times with a tiny local theatre group. I was attracted to him in the beginning because he told me about how he had placed at state competition in duet acting. I was impressed. He has also written a screen play that I hope he is able to sell some day. On our first date he did a magic trick for me and I have since played the part as a magician's assistant. He also had a brief stint as a hypnotist and I would travel with him to shows and run his sound. I really miss those times traveling and helping him. Something that will remain special with me are all the trips we took together. Although we weren't always doing well relationship-wise, we could have a great time when we would travel. I miss having a rollercoaster buddy. I know that if I told him I needed someone to ride the rides with me, he'd be there in a heartbeat. In our short five years, we traveled to a number of places and always seemed to have a good time.
He was also a romantic. I realized probably too late just how romantic he was. He sent me flowers numerous times and as I was going through stuff when moving last year, I found the many cards he had given me. I know he loved me very much and I feel bad that I couldn't reciprocate the feeling. It's not that I didn't love him. I did very much in the beginning, but as problems grew, I fell out of love although I still cared for him. It's why I held on so long.
But we did have some very special moments that I will always cherish.
Richard is also a very smart man. I owe a lot of my computer knowledge to him. He is truly a whiz when it came to learning things on the computer.
I loved the fact that he would play scrabble with me despite receiving a constant ass-kicking. He always opened doors for me and I learned to appreciate that. He opened my mind in many ways and helped me believe in myself when I wasn't sure if I could accomplish things. He let me improve his wardrobe which desperately needed help.
We talked online last night and it was good to hear from him. I miss conversations with him. I'm glad we've been able to remain friends and have put our past behind us. I can still cherish the special memories, but I'm no longer dwelling on the negative. He was a very good friend to me when I had to deal with the break-up with Marty. It was kind of weird crying on my ex-husband's shoulder about the break up but I appreciated the fact that he took time to be there for me.
We have both moved on with our lives and there is not a desire on either part to rekindle anything, but we will always remain friends and I am glad. I wish the best for him and hope he finds happiness in all that he does.

Marty

I know I've probably talked about him enough on this blog, but grant me one more post. (or two or three) Again, I don't intend to cover anything negative, but want to share about what a great man he is and the impact he had on me.
As my regular readers know, he was my high school sweetheart that looked me up almost two years ago via classmates.com and we developed a relationship for about nine months. Marty is a very generous and kind man. He spared no expense for me when it came to coming to visit. I know he emptied his pocketbook many times just to be able to spend time with me and that meant the world to me. It was tough dealing with 1500 miles, but somehow we made it work for a while.
Marty made me feel very special. I felt great love from him and it was because of him I realized that I deserved to be loved. Being in a relationship with him helped me gain back a lot of my self-esteem.
I found Marty to be very physically attractive and there was some wonderful physical chemistry between us. Something I admittedly miss very much. And he smelled WONDERFUL. That's something I can't forget about him.. how good he smelled. Ooops... getting a little hot and bothered... pardon me.
Marty was a terrific father to his precious girls. He was a very loving man and a good friend. He's the type of man that would do anything for somebody he loved. Not only did I fall in love with him, but his family as well.
I miss the many conversations we had via IM and on the phone. We always seemed to find something to talk about. He was a kid at heart and had a great attitude about most things in life. He was always fun to be around and he sacrificed a lot for me.
It is because of him (indirectly) that I took the steps in returning to God and found my home in the Catholic church. For that I am ever so grateful. He gave me so many things that I can't even describe here, but I appreciate so much having the time that I did have with him. And yes, I still miss him from time to time. I cannot deny that. But I do know how things are and I accept the fact that God had different plans for us. But I will always care for him and I pray that finds happiness and joy always. He is still my friend and I still love him as my friend.

And I'll leave this post with just those two for now. I still owe Patrick a post since he wrote a very kind one about me once. But will hold that for another time.

The Perfect Man

I know he doesn't exist. But in the great what-if's out there I made my list. I based this on things I would like to see in my future mate, though I know some things will have be compromised. I also took into consideration things in my past relationships that bothered me. Just in case you see something kind of odd on there. I don't know if this is finished and yeah, you may think it's absolutely impossible, but it is just a wish list after all.

My Perfect Man

Will have a job that he enjoys but doesn't let the job come before his relationships
Will not be cheapskate, but not also not necessarily a big spender
Will leave decent tips at restaurants
Is romantic or will at least try to be
Is loyal beyond measure
Is fun to be with
Is financially responsible
Is a good conversationalist and is able to talk about anything
Smart (not necessarily in the "book" sense, but can be smart in other ways...like fixing things)
Can love me for who and what I am and doesn't want to change me.
Has similar values and morals
Is trustworthy
Is honest (but not necessarily to a fault)
Is emotionally available and not attached to exes
NOT a biker
Can and will take vacations and loves to travel... but won't force me to go camping.
Is not a hyper morning person
Is not obsessive
Is not a big partier
Is unselfish; is giving
Not too quiet, but not an attention hog either
Has similar interests
Practicing Catholic and able to be married in the Church
Someone willing & able to live in Canyon
Someone that finds me interesting and exciting
Is not obsessed or even interested in porn
Is a good kisser
Doesn't smoke
Someone that isn't too busy and doesn't make time for his relationships
Is good looking, but not so much that he knows he is.
Brings out the best in me and makes me smile when I think of him
Bonus if he wears boxer briefs (and looks good in them). **growl**

So am I asking for too much? Maybe. But the thing is that I think Brian has a LOT of these qualities. In many ways he is quite opposite of Richard. He's not so much opposite of Marty, but just different. And the things that I'm not sure about regarding Brian I'll learn about him. And yeah, I still like him. Still talking to him every day. No, we're not exclusive though he would prefer it that way. But I also have no other offers at this point. I told him he'd have to meet the rest of my family before I'd let him be my boyfriend. But I am hopeful about him.