New Territory

For those that have read my blog for a while, know that I’ve have my share of dating and relationship experiences. It seems that most of them ended up being very one-sided. Either the guy was more into me and I wasn’t into him so much, but most of the time it was the other way around. I seem to have have the ability to attract perverted and/or commitment phobic men. Or maybe it’s just that I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince. I mention this because my relationship with Matt is unlike most of the others. It’s the first time I’ve been with someone that I like a lot and the feeling is completely reciprocated. Matt wants to spend time with me. He talks about me to his friends. He tells me how happy he is that I’ve come into his life - that I found him. He said that he waited a long time for someone like me. His friends told me last night that he has changed for the better since I came into his life – like he’s a new person in many ways. I’m not sure what to make of all of this. It is a very wonderful feeling and I know that this is still the “honeymoon” stage of our relationship, but I’m thinking that is the way things are supposed to be. Perhaps it is just finally my turn. Sometimes I still wonder if there’s a “catch” in all of this. Is it really ok to find happiness in multiple aspects of my life?

Is it the weekend yet?

Now that I’m dating, it takes too long for the weekend to get here. Things have been busy at school with math testing this week. I was also told on Tuesday that I have to spend $695 by Friday on library materials. Today I also had to go to a training session so I had to make sure that the math teachers could handle things while I was gone. I got a parking ticket while I was at Matt’s place this weekend so I tried to go pay for it today and it wasn’t “in the system” so I couldn’t pay for it. After my meeting, I went and picked up a free parking permit where I can park at parking meters downtown for free since I drive a hybrid. Hopefully that will prevent another ticket.

Matt said that some of his scrabble friends were talking about me on Monday night at their practice in Austin. When I asked him what they were talking about he said he couldn’t tell me. When I asked why, he said that it was embarrassing and he wouldn’t tell me. You know that is going to drive me crazy now, don’t you? He said that the people in the Austin club were very happy for him. Unfortunately, he’s also telling them that I’m a pretty good player which means a lot of pressure for me to do well when I go to the tournament up there at the end of the month.

Tonight I had to stay late at school because of a parent meeting where only about 4 parents showed up. I came home and made spaghetti for supper and overindulged as always. Tomorrow is scrabble practice so I’ll get to see Matt again. I think we’ll go out or do something on Friday and then we’re supposed to play scrabble and his friend Jason’s house again on Saturday. Matt has to work on Sunday and do some volunteer stuff for the library on Monday. I have Monday off which I’m looking forward to.

To answer Jan’s question – the animals have settled in and for the most part they are not having accidents in the house as much. Of course part of that is the fact that Josh is home during the day and can let them out. Lucy is able to go outside on her own but doesn’t stray far. Mollie has bouts where she’s afraid of the backyard, but then forgets in a day or two. Max desperately needs a haircut so I’ve got to get him an appointment soon. I can’t lock them out of my bedroom any more since Lucy’s litterbox is in my bathroom so Mollie sleeps right next to my bed on the floor and Max is usually by the window.

I think I’m going to call it an early night if I can. The last two mornings have been coffee mornings as I’ve been so tired when I get up.

Brief update for Billy (aka Abbagirl)

I’m so happy that Abbagirl has returned to the blogging world. She wanted a quick update on my life and I’m not sure how quick I can do that. Seems the last time she blogged with some regularity was 2009. So in 2009, I was still teaching and going to grad school and probably somewhat insane. No love life to speak of other than the eharmony Thomas fiasco. In 2010, I gave eharmony another chance and ended up meeting a guy named Michael who I called “Matthew” on the blog. He actually worked for the district where I was teaching and we had an on again, off again, he couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted kind of relationship. We ended up being just friends of sorts. He was a bit flakey, but it was nice to go out for a while. I finished grad school in May of 2011 and was dismayed at the fact that the job I hoped to get within my district was not going to be available because of state budget cuts. I ended up putting my application out all over the state. I went on four job interviews. Two in Amarillo (near Canyon where I lived), one near Dallas, and one in San Antonio. I ended up with a job offer for San Antonio so I took it. When I took the job, I wasn’t sure which campus I would be at, but I ended up at a middle school (which is what I wanted). I made several trips down here this summer and moved officially the first week in August. It was a very big step for me because I have never really moved away from home. But I’m now 5 hours closer to Josh’s school (he’s a junior in college at Stephen F. Austin university). I started my job as a librarian in the middle of August and I love it. It is what I am meant to do. I went on one date from an eharmony match in September and didn’t get anything out of it. I decided to give Catholicmatch one more try and I finally had success! I sent a message to a guy that seemed interesting because he liked Scrabble and amusement parks and he is a librarian. He responded and we started emailing each other in October. He called me up and asked me on a date a few weeks later and since then we’ve seen each other almost every weekend. Josh went back to Canyon for Christmas so I spend it with my new friend (Matt – real name). I got my first hug on Christmas eve and discovered that I was his “girlfriend” on Christmas day when I was introduced as such. Got a brief kiss that night and then a real kiss on New Year’s Eve. So to answer your question – YES, I do have a special man in my life. Whew! How’s that for a brief update?

Busy schedule resumes

So the last you heard is that I finally got a kiss from my new boyfriend. I’m still grinning as I write that sentence. Matt came over on Sunday evening delivering a pizza. We ate and then played 4 games of scrabble. He beat me three times in a row, but then I turned the tables on him in the 4th game. He helped me a little, but I ended up with a pretty good score over 400 points. I spelled “jeez” for 60 points on a triple word. After that we cuddle some more. It was getting kind of late so I offered for him to stay the night. And he did. And that’s all I’m going to say about it. I’m not saying whether anything more happened or not. You can speculate to your heart’s content, but I will not confirm nor deny anything. Whether anything did happen or may in the future, it is not something I’m going to write about.

On Monday morning, he took me to breakfast at a place called the Guenther House. After that we stopped by the parking division office to see about me getting a free parking meter permit for my car since I have a hybrid. I didn’t bring my registration with me so I’ll have to go back and get it. From there we headed to the new theater that opened near my neighborhood and saw Sherlock Holmes. After that, he took me home.

Josh got in yesterday around 9:30 so I stayed up long enough to visit with him and then went to bed. The alarm went off way too early this morning. I managed to get out bed (after hitting snooze twice) and headed to school on time. I spent most of the day working on a substitute brochure and did some digging on information for audio books. I left school around 4:40, made a quick trip to the grocery store, and then Josh and I headed to downtown for dinner and a show.

We ate at a Mexican food restaurant called Acenar. I had the fajitas again because I thought they were pretty good last time. Josh had chicken enchiladas. From there we headed to the Majestic Theater to see the musical “Les Miserables.” Though our seats were not very good, I thought the music was simply amazing. I loved it. It brought me to tears. I’m going to have to buy the music online.

Well, it is way past my bedtime so I’m going to call it a night. No plans other than work tomorrow. Thursday I’m going to Scrabble practice. Matt is coming over for dinner on Friday and I’m going to his place for the first time on Saturday. We’ll go to mass Saturday evening.

And then he kissed me….

I have to say that welcoming in the New Year was pretty awesome. Unfortunately, my friend Brent couldn’t come down because he threw out his back while exercising yesterday. So tonight it was just me and Matt. He came over around 5:30 and we went to Mass at a relatively close church. After church, we went to Walmart so that Matt could use his last two free coke zero coupons. He won a contest sometime last year that gave him coupons for a year’s worth of coke zeros and was down to the last two and the expired tonight. He’s been giving them away here and there and he’s given me three of them. He also joined the 21st century by finally getting a cell phone. He got a Straight Talk phone that doesn’t require a contract. I helped him get it set up. He cooked steaks on the grill, I made fettuccine and salad. At 11:00 we watched the ball drop in New York and he gave me a quick kiss then. At midnight here, I finally got a full blown kiss. We had sparkling wine and cuddled a bit. Then the real fun began. Turns out he’s quite a kisser and very affectionate. We had a very enjoyable evening, some good kissing, and wonderful conversation. I really like him and he really likes me. It’s a very nice feeling.

Hugs are getting good

So we had dinner at Olive Garden tonight and it was very good. Some nice conversation at dinner and then we came home to play some Scrabble. I beat him the first game, but then he proceeded to kick my butt for the next five games. I did have some pretty good bingo words playing “maestro” and “sojourns.” He wants me to go to a one day competition with him at the end of the month and play in a novice division. At the end of the night, he gave a very nice tight hug and another quick kiss on the lips and told me before he left that he was glad that I found him.

We are going to go to Mass tomorrow evening together and then Brent is coming over at 7:30. I think it is going to be very nice evening. Tomorrow I have to make the dessert (raspberry and cream cheese squares) and finish doing laundry. I guess I should head to bed and get rested for the full day tomorrow.

Lazy Day

I slept in this morning and stayed in pj’s most of the day. I wasn’t completely unproductive though. I mowed the back yard today. It has been so wet lately, I couldn’t mow. I finally got it mowed though the mower clogged twice with wet grass. Some areas were pretty thick. I still need to get the weed-eater out there but I’ll save that for another day. I also went to the store to get stuff for dinner on New Year’s eve. For dessert I’m making raspberry cream cheese squares.

The last few days I’ve been in anxious anticipation. You know that feeling when you’re first dating someone and you can’t wait until the next time you see them? I’m there. I’ll see him on Friday evening though I don’t know if we will be playing scrabble with other friends or just one on one. I kind of hope it is one on one. I’ll see him again for New Year’s eve of course. I’m hoping that I’ll get to kiss him at midnight. If it happens, it will be my first NYE’s kiss since Marty in 2004/2005.

Tomorrow I may head to the one half-price book store that I haven’t been to yet to see if I can find the elusive hard copy of the 2nd Harry Potter book. That’s the only one I don’t have in hard copy right now. Even if I can’t find it, I can probably find something to spend my gift card on.

An interesting day

So I tried to sleep in this morning, but was awake at 8:00 a.m. in spite of my best efforts to not wake up that early. I made myself get out of bed around 9:45 and take a shower. Matt came over around 11:30 and we exchanged gifts. He got me a gift card to Half-Price books and he seemed to enjoy the gifts I got him. He also told me that “I” was the best gift he had this Christmas and gave me a huge hug. I made breakfast burritos (without eggs) and cinnamon rolls. We had a late breakfast and visited for a long while as we ate. After that we watched “A Christmas Story” together. Mollie found a new best friend as she sat on Matt’s lap the entire time and he petted her. After the movie we watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I realized at 3:00 that I needed to start making the apple crisp so I got to work on it. It turned out very well I think. At 4:30 we headed to his friend’s house. There were a lot of different people there, but they were all very nice and we had a lot of interesting conversations. There was a lady there that had just moved back to Texas from Australia so we had lengthy conversations about Josh going to Tasmania. At one point, I was introduced to someone by Matt and he called me his girlfriend. We ate barbeque and played several games of Scrabble. We headed out around 11:30 and came back to my house. He came in to gather his gifts and then he gave me another hug and I even got a quick kiss on the lips. So it is official. I have a boyfriend!

Digging

Well, I got a little more information last night. He told me at dinner that he had been holding out for a Scrabble player – that he had other girlfriends before, but none of them really got into the game. Turns out that Matt also had a rather lengthy relationship with someone before – 7 years in fact. I didn’t get much else in the way of details, but it was someone that he worked with. He said that it seemed to fizzle in the end.

My impression is that he is shy about new relationships and likes to take things slow. I think he really likes me but isn’t sure how to proceed. I’m still holding out for that hug and I think it has to happen soon. He also said that he liked the fact that I was intelligent. I told him that it was nice to hear and that I thought being smart intimidated some men, and he said again that he likes that about me.

I made parmesan chicken for dinner last night and it turned out pretty well. After dinner he helped me put a new t.v. stand for my bedroom together. After that we watched Blazing Saddles. He’s coming back over tonight around 7:00 and then we are going to midnight mass at 10:30. I’m making beef enchiladas for dinner.

Tomorrow he’s coming over in the morning and we will exchange gifts, have breakfast, and watch A Christmas Story. We head to his friend’s house at 2:00. I should probably study some scrabble words as I think we’ll be playing lots of games tomorrow.

I want to wish a Merry Christmas to all my wonderful blog friends. If I leave your name off below and you’re a loyal reader, let me know! I hope that Andrew, Patti, Mago, Jamie, Jan, LM, Leann, Christina, Carol, Rebecca,and Summer have a very happy and blessed Christmas.

I’m a chicken

Normally I get some kind of signal from a guy that it is ok to make some kind of move. A touch, a glance, a comment… something. I’m getting nothing here. I’ve wowed him three times with dinner and dessert. We’ve done something together almost every weekend for the past six weeks. He wants to spend time with me, and yet he makes no moves at all. I’m ok with the let’s just be friends thing, but usually if that’s the case, I might see the person once a month – if that. He brings me books to read. He asked me to go to midnight mass at Christmas with him and to a possible New Year’s eve party. And still no hug. No hand holding. Tonight I did sit right next to him on the couch and our shoulders touched. I think I conveyed a few flirtatious moments, but not sure. I don’t know if I’m off my game or if I’m just completely in dark and have no idea what to do. We are going to the movies on Sunday evening. He has invited me to go to his scrabble club on Thursday and dinner afterward. I guess we’ll just keep slowly moving forward and maybe one of these days I’ll get a hug or something. I’m not complaining – just confused.

So in other news…. Josh is home. I’m glad he’s here, but it costs me more in groceries. Thankfully I’m able to skip a car payment this month. That way I can buy a few Christmas presents this month. I’m still debating what to get Matt. I have a few ideas. I’ll see if anything else comes to me when I go shopping tomorrow. On Tuesday next week, Josh and I are going to to Austin to go shopping and then we will have dinner with Brent and Marty. It should be fun.

I’m glad that school is out. I spent the day cleaning up and organizing as much as I could. My library is looking pretty nice – at least out front… the back is a whole other story. Hopefully I’ll get to it after the break. I still love the job. I’m still staying busy, but I don’t mind the work. That is the way a job should be. It shouldn’t be a constant level of frustration.

Well, I’m going to go to bed and enjoy sleeping in tomorrow. I’ve already turned off the alarm. Of course that means I’ll be awake at 5:00 a.m. Oh well… that’s the way it usually goes.

Kind of a Success

Overall the evening was pretty good. Matt arrived shortly after 6:00 just as dinner was finished. We ate my wonderful cashew chicken which he said was very good and had two helpings of. Then we put the tree together and decorated it. We had rum and cokes with dinner and then eggnog when we watched my favorite movie Love Actually. So I sat a teensy bit closer this time and our arms touched a little. He seemed to enjoy the movie and afterward we had cake for dessert (cinnamon swirl with cream cheese glaze frosting) and played a couple of games of scrabble. Before leaving he said that he enjoyed the evening very much. So I walked him to the door and… he left. Still no hug or anything of the sort. So I’m not sure if a.) He’s into me, but really shy. b.) he’s really just interested in being friends and nothing more c.) he is interested, but isn’t picking up on any of my signals or d.) like a typical man, has no idea what he wants. I guess it may even be a combination of all the above. I pulled out all the stops tonight – plied him with some alcohol, made an amazing meal and dessert, watched a romantic, yet enjoyable for a guy movie, and let him beat me at Scrabble (ok, so he beat me fair and square, but I told him it was because I was cheering him up after his disappointment last weekend.) So I don’t know what to think, but I kind of think he’s kind of interested because he has now asked me to go to a Scrabble New Year’s eve party with him. We’ve also talked about going to several movies together in the next few weeks. So he obviously wants to spend time with me… it’s just so confusing.

There was also a little bit of an awkward moment when we were putting up ornaments and one of the ones from last year was an ornament that had a picture of Michael and me and I said something to the effect of “I don’t want to put this one on the tree” and set it aside and he asked why and I said it had a picture of someone I was dating last year, but also said that we were still friends. He made a comment that it is good that I stay on friendly terms with exes.

So I guess we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing and see if things progress. Perhaps I need to ply myself with a little more alcohol next time. I had lots of opportunities to ask more leading questions of him and I didn’t.

Well, it is late and I’m going to go to bed. I have to go to the post office tomorrow and then if it’s nice, mow the back yard.

A text conversation

Out of the blue Matthew texted me tonight. Did I ask why the heck is was texting me? Did I tell him to just go away? Of course not. Here’s the conversation:

Matthew: “Hey Annabel. Why can’t I decide what I want to do? One minute I love it here and the next I want to apply for a job out of state.”

Annabel: “I don’t know. I wish I had answers for you. When I feel lost, it is usually time to go by faith and just know that everything works out the way it is supposed to. I focus on the things that I can control for the moment.

I think you’re feeling restless. I go through that every five or six years.

So I think I can empathize but not sure that I can give you advice or the answers.”

Matthew: “Wise words oh sage of Canyon.”

Annabel: “I try. But does it help?”

Matthew: “Actually yes…just knowing someone else understands.”

Annabel: “Well that I do. But I would suggest not making any hasty decisions. I think you need to figure out why you’re feeling restless rather than just acting on it.”

Matthew: “Are you sure you don’t want to be a counselor rather than a librarian? How is class going?”

Annabel: “Well, school counselors don’t counsel, they make schedules and do testing, so no, I don’t want to do that. Class is fine – keeping me busy with assignments due every Monday and Wednesday. I’m making good grades so far.”

Matthew: “Would there be any doubt”

Annabel: I’d reply to that, but will try to remain modest.”

And that’s the conversation. Perhaps I should have said something about his behavior, but I decided that I should just be kind and be understanding. If he continues to contact me, I’m sure I’ll eventually say something, but I got the feeling that he just needed an ear tonight. Don’t worry, I’m not being a pushover, just a friend for the moment.

Believe it or not, I spent time grading some papers this evening, but I did get to a point where I just can’t focus any more. I hope to get up early and do some grading at school before classes start. I really hope I can get caught up by the end of the day so I don’t have to spend all weekend grading.

Paper done, got a call

Today we had a meeting before school about the United Way. I will probably donate again this year, though I’m sure I won’t win a big t.v. again. School was fine. I had a lot of students that didn’t complete their rough drafts of their letters in my English classes so I assigned them tutorials for the morning. Those that don’t show will be turned in as an absence. I’m such a mean teacher. But I did get several of the rough drafts turned in for a late grade so that helped. I didn’t stay very late after school. I left around 4:20 and got home close to five and worked on editing my paper. I had it basically finished when I decided that as a reward I would go pick up Taco Villa for dinner even though that meant a trip to Amarillo. It was so worth it. I overindulged thanks to my current appetite increase, but I enjoyed every bite. I was continuing to work on my paper when the guy from Odessa called. Turns out he does have a nice voice which he mentioned in an email. The only kind of weird thing is that he has what I would call a nervous laugh. He would end comments with it so it was a bit odd to me. But we had a nice conversation about travel, his career and writing, my job and such. We talked for about an hour. After I hung up with him, I made a few last minute corrections to my paper and just submitted it.

Last night I wasn’t sure about being able to add a reference to my paper so I posted a question about it on the online board. At first the teaching assistant said that it was strongly discouraged and wanted to know why I felt the need to use one. I replied that one of the points I was making required me to look up some additional information and I felt the need to credit the source. The actual professor then responded and commended me for my observation and gave me permission to use the source. So I felt better about the paper I wrote after that. It’s probably still not perfect, but I think it will still score an “A.”

I brought home papers that once again will go ungraded. I did get some graded last night and all were done by the time I had my English classes. I started a book yesterday that I think I’ll read a bit tonight. It’s one of the discarded books from the library that was written in 1968 but it’s a cute mystery involving nuns.

That’s all the excitement going on here. Tomorrow will be just as exciting, I’m sure. Hope you’re not reading this blog while driving!

The Party and other stuff

The party was fun but not terribly exciting. It was good to see some friends that I hadn’t seen for a few years. The food was really good and I probably ate way too much of it. I had a few drinks but didn’t get drunk. I realized it had probably been about five years since I’ve been to a party like that. I’ve been to a few get-togethers with fellow teachers, but that’s it. I need more of a social life. Of course I don’t have a lot of time for one, but it would be nice. I made the time during my brief dating experience.

I sang at church today in the women’s ensemble. Then I picked up some lunch and started on some homework. I went to the library around 2:30 and struggled through writing my article that is due tomorrow. I got it finished around 5:00 and then went to Sonic because I really wanted a burger and tots. I am going through my phase of eating everything in sight right now. I came home and have yet to grade a single paper. I really have to get through the letter rough drafts tonight. It’s already 9:00 so I’m not very hopeful.

I got a couple emails from the guy in Odessa today. In the last one I sent him, I gave him my number. Guess I’ll see if he calls at some point.

I need to edit my paper, but I’m waiting for a response from the teaching assistant. I’ll take it to school and work on it during ISS tomorrow. Nothing like procrastinating, is there?

Well, for your enjoyment, he’s a picture of me at the party last night. And yes, that is a pillow under my shirt.

Affairs of the Heart

Brian was in a bad mood last night. Well, maybe not so much a bad mood, but more in a down mood. I'm not sure what was up with it all. He said it was because it wasn't a very productive day. Maybe.

He mentioned last night that he needed to find more things to do with his youngest daughter because the other two will be leaving in a year. I think he worries about being somewhat alone. I also think he realizes that I won't be moving to Dalhart either.

I still like Brian and think he's a great guy. I'm just not certain that we're right for each other. I think he wants to get married and live a "normal" happily married life in Dalhart. But he seems to think that there are no available women Dalhart (because he pretty much knows everyone that lives there). But if he branches out, then he's going to have to find someone with no ties to the area that they are in and would be willing to move. And that isn't me.

Why can't things ever be simple and the way we want it?

And yes, I'm still dealing with the issues of my heart regarding Marty. Am still having a hard time telling myself to close that door. And because of that I'm still keeping Brian at bay. Or maybe it's more than that. I just don't know these days.

A part of me thinks Brian is a truly wonderful man and a very good catch. And I would be a fool to just discard him because I haven't come to terms with a lot of things. I guess that's why I'm hanging in there playing the wait and see game. I know I don't have to know everything and there's no rush, but at the same time I don't want him to hold out for me when he could be finding someone more suitable.

And then there's Marty. I know, I know, I know that I have to let go. And I don't even know why I'm hanging on other than the fact that I was in love with him. In all honesty, we only had a couple of really good months together where everything seemed right. But starting in October is when I noticed that things had started to go downhill and things had changed and I still haven't figured out what it is. And perhaps that is my problem... the fact that I don't know. This is difficult for a person that has to know everything. So I wonder if I did something. I wonder if he still had feelings for his ex. I wonder if he ever did love me. I wonder if he did love me, why did it stop? I wonder if he'd always had thoughts of being with me, but when he got me, he discovered I wasn't what he thought I would be. I wonder if he's just trying to be noble to make it easy on me while he's gone. I wonder so many more things. And I have no answers. I also wonder why I'm letting this bother me so much. I have lots of friends and family tell me to not expend my emotional energy on Marty. That he's not worth it. He left me hanging. He couldn't tell me how he was feeling. He kept me guessing. He didn't make an effort with me. And this is all true. So why can't I move on?

I thought maybe I was ready to date again. I decided that if Marty didn't want me, that perhaps someone else did. That maybe I was still a good catch. And I think that in a lot of ways I am. I also know that I'm not perfect and can be difficult. But I also think I deserve to be loved and have a great capacity to love someone. So what's my problem? Is it the hang-up with Marty? Is it simply that Brian isn't the right person? Or is it something else entirely that I hadn't even thought of?

Yes, I know I think and analyze too much. But that is who I am. I want all the answers. I don't necessarily need for everything to be simple, but it would be nice if things could at least be a little easier and not so complex.

Not much to tell

I've still been busy with speech camp so I haven't had much time to update. But only a day and a half left so it will be a relief when it's over.

Brian and I are still talking daily. I think we're kind of moving forward in a sense in the fact that after our discussion last week about the distance issue, neither one of us is saying that perhaps we should back off. So we're just going to continue to see each other and see where it leads and jump those creeks of issues when they come up. I think regardless of how things turn out, I've made a wonderful new friend.

I sent Marty an IM last night telling him happy birthday. (it's today) He sent me a quick response explaining why he hasn't been on much lately. It was something about one of the guys up there going through a nasty divorce which makes Marty have to do work more or something to that effect. But I still think that if he was missing me, he'd make the time to talk to me in some way. I'm sure he's found numerous occasions to talk to his ex. And despite the fact that I know this, it still stings with a bit of hurt. But at the same time, I'm still always glad to hear from him. I know I do need to move on because there's no hope there... but just because I know something logically doesn't mean it's easy to do. But I am moving on slowly. I'm still letting him go because I have to.

Brian is coming over tomorrow evening. Not sure what we're going to do, but my dad and his girlfriend are coming over for supper as well. Brian is also going to help me with a few household issues that need to be addressed... in which I'll rant about that shortly.

I got a call from my sister today and I guess she's going to make a quick trip here for the 4th. Of course I won't believe it until she's actually here, but I guess it will be good to see her. I need to get busy on my house.

Ok... my household rant. Sewer line is still having issues I think, but not certain at this point, but it does need to be checked and then the hole needs to be filled. Now my toilet isn't working. And the breaker for the kitchen keeps blowing when I try to run the airconditioner and the microwave at the same time. Back yard desperately needs to be mowed and the house itself is perhaps a few steps short of a pig sty. O.k. maybe not that bad, but I need to get several things done and have no time to do it. Yesterday I gave serious thought to accidentally lighting a match and torching the place.

And now I've got to head to my final summer band concert, though it's not really the last one since I'll be playing in director's band at band camp.

The Perfect Man

I know he doesn't exist. But in the great what-if's out there I made my list. I based this on things I would like to see in my future mate, though I know some things will have be compromised. I also took into consideration things in my past relationships that bothered me. Just in case you see something kind of odd on there. I don't know if this is finished and yeah, you may think it's absolutely impossible, but it is just a wish list after all.

My Perfect Man

Will have a job that he enjoys but doesn't let the job come before his relationships
Will not be cheapskate, but not also not necessarily a big spender
Will leave decent tips at restaurants
Is romantic or will at least try to be
Is loyal beyond measure
Is fun to be with
Is financially responsible
Is a good conversationalist and is able to talk about anything
Smart (not necessarily in the "book" sense, but can be smart in other ways...like fixing things)
Can love me for who and what I am and doesn't want to change me.
Has similar values and morals
Is trustworthy
Is honest (but not necessarily to a fault)
Is emotionally available and not attached to exes
NOT a biker
Can and will take vacations and loves to travel... but won't force me to go camping.
Is not a hyper morning person
Is not obsessive
Is not a big partier
Is unselfish; is giving
Not too quiet, but not an attention hog either
Has similar interests
Practicing Catholic and able to be married in the Church
Someone willing & able to live in Canyon
Someone that finds me interesting and exciting
Is not obsessed or even interested in porn
Is a good kisser
Doesn't smoke
Someone that isn't too busy and doesn't make time for his relationships
Is good looking, but not so much that he knows he is.
Brings out the best in me and makes me smile when I think of him
Bonus if he wears boxer briefs (and looks good in them). **growl**

So am I asking for too much? Maybe. But the thing is that I think Brian has a LOT of these qualities. In many ways he is quite opposite of Richard. He's not so much opposite of Marty, but just different. And the things that I'm not sure about regarding Brian I'll learn about him. And yeah, I still like him. Still talking to him every day. No, we're not exclusive though he would prefer it that way. But I also have no other offers at this point. I told him he'd have to meet the rest of my family before I'd let him be my boyfriend. But I am hopeful about him.

Everyone please stand back

No, I'm not gonna blow. Just been contemplating the fact that I tend to keep people at arm's length. Is it because I'm cynical, afraid or something else entirely?

So I'm putting myself out there for dating purposes. Part of me wonders if I'm truly ready and the other part is missing companionship. And I've talked to a few people. I have a potential date for next week. This guy as well as a few others are really kind of "in" to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just bothers me that someone can think that from chat conversations. And the more that a guy is "in" to me and wants to go out with me the more I pull back. I'll start to hem-haw around and give a lot of maybes. I know I'm not trusting and I still have baggage to deal with.

I've had many chat conversations with a variety of people and you know what? The ones that intrigue me the most are those that are a little stand-offish (not always available), yet interesting to talk to and don't get all caught up in saying how beautiful I am or how sexy I am or how they can't wait to meet me. I guess I like a little aloofness. At first. Staying that way after getting to know one another in person is not desirable.

It's not that I don't think I'm great or sexy or pretty or a good catch. I do think I'm all of those things. I'm just not sure that someone online can know that until they meet me and get to know me. I have my imperfections and I try to be upfront about them. I was with Marty. He said he could handle it. I'm wondering if maybe he really couldn't it.

But I am cautious. I'm not going to give my number out to someone in a single conversation nor make plans to meet them until I've talked to them a while. I am not desperate for love and I want to make sure I do it right this time. I guess that’s why I am so stand-offish.

Am I afraid of getting my heart broken again? You betcha. But is that keeping me from looking and hoping? Not at all. Am I afraid to trust men in general? Maybe. Or perhaps it is myself that I don’t trust. Let’s face it; I haven’t made many good decisions regarding men. It’s not that they were all bad, horrible, evil men but they were wrong for me. (Though I still question whether Marty was truly wrong, because I loved him like no other man thus far.)

So where does this leave me? I guess I just am what I am and if keeping someone at arm’s length for a while creates problems for them, then perhaps it’s not meant to be. The quickest way to send me running in the opposite direction is to put pressure on me. I’ll shut down or just back away. Just ask my ex-husband. You see that’s how Marty got in under my radar. He never put any kind of pressure on a relationship. He simply enjoyed being with me and talking to me. He was there when I needed him, but he didn’t smother me. I could talk to him about anything. I even told him about the other guys I was going out with. I found out later that it bothered him, but he never said anything. And all of a sudden it hit me. I let my guard down and fell. And when I fall, it’s fast and hard. So it can happen, but it does take time.

Witty Title Goes Here

I don't know what kind of headline I should write to describe my life at the moment. I hate to say "boring" because if I do, then surely it will become unborning in a bad way. But here's a few updates for what they're worth.

I got the annulment proceedings started on my marriage to Richard. I was finally able to get all the documents needed and I took them to diocese. Now it should be a matter of two priests checking them and signing off saying "yes, this marriage was invalid because he was already married to his first wife and that marriage was never anulled and she is still living." After that is done, I'll be free to marry in the Church. Not that I have a lot of choices out there right now, but I'm starting to look.

I don't know what to do about this dating/relationship kind of stuff. Part of me wants to just move on and find someone. Another part of me thinks I shouldn't be in a hurry and should just wait until someone comes along my way. I like having a boyfriend. Most of the time I enjoy being in a relationship. Granted it sucks when I know something is wrong and I get the song and dance about how it's stress, or the "it's not you, it's me" line or whatever. (sorry Marty)
But overall I like having a special man in my life that I can share things with, cuddle with, get to know, learn from, and just do things together.

The thing is I think I really deserve to be loved better and more fully than I have in the past. I know Marty loved me, but he couldn't/wouldn't fall very deeply. I think it has to do with the fact that he hasn't completely let go of his ex-wife though he'll deny that until he's blue in the face. Perhaps it's because I was the rebound relationship. Maybe it was truly something in me. I guess I'll never know and will probably always wonder. I know Richard loved me very much, but there were too many differences that wouldn't allow us to be happy together. Sometimes love isn't enough.

But I know I have a great capacity to love and to give. It makes me happy to love someone and do things for them, surprise them, let them know how special they are to me. Problem is finding that relationship where my partner doesn't just take without giving anything back, doesn't acknowledge anything I do for them, doesn't withhold affection. The thing I've learned about relationships are that they shouldn't be give and take. They shouldn't be take-take. They should be give-give. 100% on both sides... not a 50-50.

But I'm wondering if all the good men are already taken? Someone that has the romance gene, that can love me for who I am despite my quirks, that appreciates what I have to give, and is able to love and commit. And if there are a few out there, how do you find them? The internet? I'm just not too trusting of that because I don't know how you can really get to know someone online. A lot of people aren't honest about themselves or they're within the freak category. The whole blind date thing gets old. Then there's the distance issue. Maybe there is some great guy out there, but he lives 14 million miles away. I've discovered just how much the LDR thing sucks. I don't think it's impossible, but it's very difficult. Then even if by some miracle I found Mr. Right and he lives 14 million miles away, he'd have to be willing to move here. So let's put another twist on things, shall we? I wouldn't be opposed to moving myself if it were just me, but I have Josh to consider and I want him to stay in school here.

And yes, I'm still getting over Marty. I still think about him from time to time. But I also know that I'm not changing his mind about things. It's simple; he either loves me and and wants to be with me or he doesn't. So I have to move on. And I will.
And then I start to think what if something is wrong with me? What if I'm doing something to sabotage my relationships or drive men away? And if I am, how am I supposed to figure out what it is? And then I think, all I can do is just be me and someone can choose to love me for who I am or not. Because I cannot change who I am. I can compromise as needed, but like Marty says "What you see is what you get."

So I guess I'm keeping my eyes open. I haven't done too well in choosing men for myself so maybe someone can set me up. If you know of any decent, free, preferably Catholic guys out there, send them my way, ok?