From 2003

Note: This is an entry from an older real journal that I wrote in January of 2003. I hadn't written in my journal for some time and had to update after being married. I am following in the footsteps of my friend Jonathon and posting things from my past just to see if anyone is interested in reading this stuff.

Well, it's been a very long time and will have a lot of catching up to do. Where to begin? I guess I'll start with getting married. I married Richard on December 19, 1998. We got married in the BIT and had the reception in the atrium of Northen Hall. Went on our honeymoon to a Sandals resort on the island of St.Lucia. Honeymoon was great! But won't get into it now.
As far as life after the honeymoon--I guess it's been less than perfect. Richard isn't the man I thought he was and I'm finding that I'm not the woman I thought I was. So many things have happened and I'd like to just place blame on Richard, but I know I can't. I'm not sure if it was something specific that happened or if things just digressed over time. I guess first I should get into the changes in me.
I quit teaching in May of 1999 and went to work for my yearbook rep. Overall this job change has been really good. It's stressful at times, but nothing as bad as teaching was.
I've gained about 40-45 pounds which really sucks and is a major part of my depression which I have finally been diagnosed with. I was reading the previous entries and noticed the whining about pushing the limits of a size 14 -- oh to be there again! Now I'm a full woman's size 18 and still gaining. I can't get it under control. I have zero willpower, no energy and no drive to do anything about it. I HATE my body.
One thing I haven't really been involved in and I miss is music. I played in the WT director's band two years ago and loved it! I really miss it. I'm going to start playing again in March with the clarinet ensemble. Maybe it will bring some happiness back in my life.
It's not that my life is so completely horrible. I have a family, nice house, pretty good income, some good friends but things still aren't right. My marriage has been on the rocks for a long time. I don't know if I should have seen it coming, but I guess I have a history of being blinded by the need to find love. When I first got to know Richard, I felt like we had a connection because it seemed like we could talk about anything -- now it seems we can't talk at all.