A Dilemma

It's one of those good news/bad news kind of days.
Good news: I got one of my tax refund checks in the mail today.
Bad news: There's no way I could fight the ticket I got in Dumas. There was another sign clearly posted with the speed limit that I missed. Cost of ticket $125.

So, what do I do with the money? It's not enough to get caught up on the house payment. I could just hand it over to dad and then still owe $200. But if he's going to put it on a credit card, I can perhaps have more time to pay him back.
Or I could keep my mouth shut about the check and catch up on the other bills and pay my speeding ticket.
Or I could catch up on bills and get ahead and then go to jail for my ticket at the end of 30 days.
If I didn't have the damn ticket, I could go ahead and pay for about half of Josh's band camp money.
Personally I think it's far more beneficial and money is much better spent to invest in Josh's music. He may or may not make it a career, but I personally believe that the experience of music is invaluable. I'd rather pay for his lessons than pay my visa bill.
Would it be bad to turn myself in and sit in jail for about 3 days?
I could have 90 days to pay it, but then it would go up to $150.
Still no sign of a part time job. Still don't know what's going on with child support.

So what to do? Any suggestions?

Do I have to go to work?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I have to visit 3 schools and go find out what I can do about my speeding ticket. I hope that I don't have to go before the judge tomorrow, I won't have the time. It's also open house at Josh's school tomorrow evening. I don't want to miss that.
I'm getting caught up on the laundry. Kitchen, living room, bedroom & my bathroom are clean. My office is cleaner, but still needs work. Maybe a 3 day job. It's just that I have a lot of things that need to be sorted and filed somewhere or thrown out.
I painted my nails today. What is it about painting your nails that makes you feel prettier? I didn't paint them a color as I typically have cheap polish that starts to peel away, but I did put two coats of clear stuff that is supposed to help strengthen my nails. I have horrible nails. I never grow them out because I usually chip them and then tear them off. I don't really bite them, but I never have them very long. One more thing I decided to attempt for Lent (though I'm still not Catholic) is to try to grow my nails out. So far it's going well. It's not as hard as I thought. Problem is that they are still very flimsy nails that break or chip easily. But we'll see how it goes.
I got on the scale today despite it not being Wednesday. I was pleasantly surprised though I won't mention what it said. I hope that come Wednesday it will still be there.
Well, I've got to go pay a few of those pesky bills.
I guess I need to get ready for my day tomorrow. At least I don't have to get up early. First appointment is for 10:30.
I know this blog isn't much for excitement lately. I just don't have a lot to say and I'm tired of whining about my finances and Marty.
It's time for something different.

Getting there

Well, the kitchen is clean. I even mopped the floors. I'm going to get the living room done tonight and get a start on the laundry. Tomorrow I'll tackle my room and the office. I'm dreading the office. I can't ever seem to keep it clean. But I am determined.
I've been watching the t.v. and just saw a commercial for "Believer's Voice of Victory". For some reason I wanted to gag. They way the guy says "Gee-zuz" (heavy accent on the first syllable) just got on my nerves. But then again, everything is getting on my nerves lately. Maybe I need some paxil. Oh yeah, I don't have health insurance. Almost forgot.
Speaking of health, I'm skipping periods again. I guess it's stress related. I did the same thing the last year of my marriage. My cycle was very irregular. Not that I minded so much, but was concerned. I went on the pill to get things regulated (back in the days of health insurance). And before you think it, no, I'm not pregnant. It's impossible. O.k. maybe not impossible but it would take a spontaneous reversal of Marty's vasectomy for that to have happened.
Well, Josh has a girlfriend again. I've got to take him to meet her at the movies.

Goals

My goal this weekend is to get the house clean. Really clean. I find that when my house is clean and everything is in it's place my spirits are automatically lifted.
Then next week I have to work most of the week.
The following week is spring break. I'm going to clean out the attic, shed, and garage and get stuff sorted that I'm going to a. sell on ebay b. sell in a garage sale c. donate to charity d. use e. force my dad to take
I've been working on school applications. I'm still playing the wait and see game with regards to child support since I really don't know anything. I'm trying to decide when I should talk to my boss about the situation.
I think my dad is going to get the house payment caught up and I'll pay him back when I can. I'm still getting behind on bills, but there's not much I can do about it at the moment.
But I'm trying and doing the best I can.

He Called

He called me. Granted it was 12:30 a.m. and he was drunk, but he did call. He was out playing pool with some new friends at the school. They were playing for drinks. Marty usually plays on a pool league. He got a LOT of drinks. But he said that he wanted to tell me that he loved me and missed me.
I really needed that. I feel a lot better. I know that he does love me. At least that's one worry crossed off my list. Now to start working on the others.

No music today

Went to clarinet ensemble but found that they weren't meeting today. Did get to pick up some music though which is good because I'm going to need some practice. Most of the page was pretty black. (For those of you that don't read music, that means it's got a lot of sixteenth notes)
I'm going to get out my clarinet and give it a whirl this weekend.
I've still been in a bad mood so I skipped my aerobics class. Just because. Then Josh and I went to the grocery store and got his lunchables for school and something for supper. Made hamburgers. Then I sat in front of the t.v. and watched Survivor and CSI.
The phone has been ringing off the hook tonight but no calls from Marty. Just bill collectors I guess. I don't answer the phone if I don't know who's calling. Caller ID is a wonderful thing.
So I guess we need some good news. Josh came home today and told me that he's running in a track meet. He didn't originally plan to try out for the team but said that for some reason the coaches asked him to run the 100 meter race. I thought that was great. He's been in athletics the past two years, but did it because he didn't want to be in P.E. He had no interest in actually playing the team sports. But I think this will be good for him.
I still haven't called the lady regarding the RCIA program at the Catholic church. I did get an email response that gave me another lady's name and number. I'm still not sure that I'm ready, but I think I'll have some time to really decide. I still feel compelled to check it out.
Well I hope Marty calls this weekend. I certainly need a lift.
One more bit of good news. I have brief job next week that will pay me $50. I'm tabulating the cheerleading results for a local school. I've been doing it for the past 6 years or so. I started it when I was teaching at one school and I wrote an excel spread sheet for it. Since then they've been asking me to come back and figure it each year.
I know I really should use that $50 to pay some bills, but I think I'm going to be somewhat selfish and a little unselfish. I desperately need a hair cut. If I don't get one soon, I'm going to get the scissors out myself. And then I think I'm going to buy the "Ray" DVD for Josh.
I'm just going to hang on to the hope that my tax refund will come through soon. Wow... I actually said the word hope? Maybe there's a silver lining.

Irritable

I'm feeling irritable. Everything is grating on my nerves. I feel lost like I don't know where to turn or what to do. I know I should pay some bills, but not sure where to begin. The house needs cleaning and laundry needs to be done.
My cousin is really irritating me. Just his presence alone is annoying. Part of me can't wait until he moves out and it's just me and Josh. I'll miss the monthy money he pays me, but it might be worth it. I don't mean to sound hateful about it, but I can't help it.
I did get to briefly chat with Marty last night. He happened to be online at the same time. A true miracle. Haven't gotten to talk to him since this past weekend, but that's to be expected.
With all the other worries happening, I'm not worrying about Marty so much. I think it really helps that he's away from Connecticut. At least perhaps Alaska won't be as bad. He should be able to have internet a little more and will be able to access a phone more regularly even if it's long distance.
On the good news front I'm going to go play in the clarinet ensemble this afternoon. I think getting into music will be very helpful with everything. It might not solve the many problems, but it's one of the things that always seems to pick me up. I miss playing in an ensemble.

Catch-22

I've been looking at jobs that would utilize my current skills. I have knowledge of most MS programs like word, excel, powerpoint, and outlook. I am also skilled in Pagemaker, Photoshop, and InDesign.
I would love to find a part time job as a graphic artist. Unfortunately I need skills in Illustrator and possibly Dreamweaver.
I found a place where I can take classes in the aformentioned areas but they cost $175 each. That would be 4 classes because they have Illustrator 1&2 as well as Dreamweaver 1&2.
That's $700 to get the skills to get a better or part time job. Problem is I need a job to get the money to take the classes.
I'd call that a catch-22.

I've also checked into getting my masters and library certification. I can do it online through the University of North Texas. Money is still a problem.
First I need to take the GRE. That means I have to pay to take it. I also have to find time to study for it. That shouldn't be a problem as my work schedule is getting light the next month & a half.
Then assuming I make a decent score on the GRE and can qualify to get into UNT as a graduate student, it will cost about $2600 a semester and I'd need about 3 semesters of 12 hours each to get my masters and certification. From what I've found, there's not a lot of scholarships and grants available to graduate students. Getting a loan is an option, but that just means adding another bill that I can't pay.
If I did get my certification and got a job, I'd be starting from scratch on the pay scale and would make less as a first year librarian than I would as a 5 year teacher. (But it would still be more than I'm getting in my current job.)

I make too much money, but not enough. Sometimes life was simpler on welfare. It's doubtful though that I can find a house for rent for $75 a month again though. Those were the days.

Wednesday's Weight

Not happy about gaining a pound. Today's official weight is 177.5. I hope it's still just fluctuating. That was one of the positive things happening and now it's not where I'd like it to be.
I'm not going to get too upset over it right now.
Just playing the "wait and see" game with everything going on right now.
On the good news side, I found my driver's license that I thought I lost.
I don't have a lot to say. Kind of in quiet observation mode. I don't have the energy to really bitch much more. Think I cried enough last week. Being depressed really is exhausting.

Feeling blah

I'm still in a slump. Still trying to figure out which bills to pay and which ones to put on hold. Hoping to receive my tax refund, but not in the mail today. Searching for jobs daily. I wonder if I have the right to be particular about taking on a part time job. Yes, I need the money desperately, but do I take a position someplace I would hate working just because they're hiring? Or do I hold out in the hopes that something that I would find more interesting rather than repulsive will appear out of nowhere?
When I visited one of my schools today I got a reminder of why I don't want to go into teaching. My adviser told me about a phone call from a parent that chewed her butt up and down because she sent a yearbook payment reminder to a student. It's bad enough having to deal with kids that are constant discipline problems, taking on those extra duties required by teachers, working under an administration that doesn't back up their teachers because they're afraid of lawsuits, but then you also have horrible parents that complain about everything. Teachers simply aren't paid enough for the crap they have to deal with. (even though it's quite a bit more than I currently make) They should provide free mental health care to all teachers to compensate for the pitiful pay and hope that it will help deal with the frustrations. We used to joke about needing a prozac salt lick in the teacher's lounge just to get us through the day sometimes.
I know I'm bitching. Sometimes teaching wasn't all that bad and once in a while it was rewarding. It's just when you're in a job where people constantly thank you for helping them, they think you're a genius, and you have a very flexible schedule, it's hard to ponder the possibility of going back into a field where you're not appreciated or supported.
I'm supposed to go to aerobics class tonight. I don't want to. But I think I'm going to make myself go. If anything I need to release the stress and not think about life at the moment.