An Impasse

First I must apologize to Marty if for some strange reason he goes on a whim and reads my blog today. So if that's the case... stop reading Marty. I mean it. No, it's nothing bad, but I have to write about it. So just close the web page and go back to playing WOW.

Ok. Now that is out of the way here's the deal. We've been skirting some of our relationship issues as usual not really talking about them but we have lots of conversations filled with maybes, innuendos, and subject changing when it gets uncomfortable. And all that's fine except for the fact that it drives me a little crazy. But I just deal and go on and figure that things will work out if they're supposed or not. I have come to realize that I can't change things and I'll take what I can get right now.

So last night the issue of me moving to Florida came up again and I again reiterated my condition of being married for that to happen. Marty finally 'fessed up to the fact that yes, he very much wants me to come down there but he's not ready for that kind of commitment. He wants me to come down there for a year without getting married. I told him that I was sorry but I couldn't do that. And thus the impasse.

If four years ago he would have asked me to do that and Josh would have been graduating at that time, I probably would have done it in a heartbeat and given no thought to it. But a lot has changed for me in that time and it's not something I can do. I cannot give up everything I have here - home, job, family, friends for a "maybe" situation that "might" end in marriage. Most of all, I cannot give up my faith which is what I would have to do for a year. I know I could still go to church, but I could not participate in communion given the living situation. I could not make enough money to just go down there and live on my own and still "date." On the other hand, if he were willing to get married, I would certainly give it all up (aside from my faith) to be with him.

I am ok with the fact that he's not ready for marriage. I understand it. I don't want him to feel an obligation or pressure to do something he's no ready for. Sure, I'm disappointed because I'm in a different place than he is, but that's still ok. But now I worry that there's something bigger there or something has once again changed for him. I know the distance is still a very big deal for him. It is for me too, but I'm willing to accept it and wait as needed. But I'm sensing something different in him the last few times I've talked to him. I think perhaps he needs a little space so I'm going to give it to him.

I very much want this relationship to work out. I think he does too, but I also feel that there's a hurdle he needs to jump and he's just not ready for it. I just wish I knew what that hurdle was and if there's any way I can help him with it. I hate being in the dark. But I realize that there are just some things that people must do on their own and it's really all out of my control. Tough luck for us control freaks.

So for now I hope we continue talking and visit when we can and some day get past the impasse.