Feeling unmotivated

I had to go to some training this morning at the school.  So much for enjoying sleeping in this weekend.  I had to be there by 8:00 and we went until 1:00.  I came home and picked up some lunch and then took a two hour nap.  Now I need to work on designing the ad for the national tournament book, but I’m not feeling very motivated.  I will try to get it done tonight.

I thought my interview went well yesterday.  The problem is that there is still a hiring freeze within the district.  Right now there’s the potential for 2 1/2 positions but it’s my understanding that they will hire internally first and then if there are still positions open, they will be filled last minute.  So it is still a major waiting game.

After my interview I met Matthew at his place and then we went to Applebee’s for dinner.  We cut the evening short since he was pretty tired after a full day and the few drinks we had.  But surprisingly, he asked what I was doing this weekend and we are planning to get together on Sunday.

I was called yesterday by a lady at my church and she wants me to come talk to her 8th grade class tomorrow and explain why I converted to Catholicism. I will probably try to go to the early church and then go to the class. 

There’s so much I should do this weekend, but I just don’t think it is going to happen.  I do need to get the ad done, but that’s probably all I’ll accomplish.  I do need to watch a movie to see if I can leave it for my classes next week while I’m gone.  Maybe that’s what I’ll do next and try to work on the ad at the same time. 

More shopping

I guess I’m in a shopping frenzy right now.  I went to Amarillo after school today to see if I could find a movie that I’m thinking about showing my classes while I’m gone next week.  I didn’t find it at Best Buy, but did find it at Target and it was only  $4.75.  I was also looking for shoes (can you ever have too many shoes?) but didn’t find any.  I did, however, find a cute little black dress for only $14.  I thought it might be nice to wear it to whatever Matthew and I decide to do in Dallas when we are down there. 

I talked with him briefly yesterday and we are going to do something tomorrow night after my interview.  Speaking of which, I have no idea what to wear tomorrow.  I want it to go well, but I’m wondering if should just relax and try not to prepare too much.  I guess I’ll go sort through my closet and see what I can come up with.  I don’t want to wear something I’ve already worn for an interview for fear of jinxing it.  I know it is totally superstitious and unfounded, but oh well. 

I had lunch with my ex-husband today.  He is in town this week helping out his mother who just had surgery.  Is it bad that I wanted to have lunch with him just so he could see how fabulous I am now?  Of course he doesn’t really like the hair cut – he says it’s cute but he prefers my hair long.  I told him that he’s not the one to have to take care of it.  I also told him that the person that matters the most doesn’t care if my hair is long or short.  But it was a pleasant visit none-the-less.  I get the feeling that something is bothering him, but he wouldn’t tell me.  If I had to guess, I think he’s having second thoughts on playing baby daddy, but feels like he can’t cut and run – but that is just totally a guess on my part.  He is living with a woman that was 4 months pregnant when they met and the father of her child up and walked out.  So my ex who is seven years older than me and really didn’t want more kids has stepped into the part of a father. 

Well, time to raid my closet and see what I can wear for tomorrow.  I think I’ll take a shower tonight and try to call it an early night.  Probably take 1/2 an ambien to assure a good night’s sleep. 

The joys of state testing

Today was TAKS testing day at school.  It is a long, dull day of watching students take a state mandated test.  And we can do nothing but just watch.  We can’t read a book or do anything other than monitor students.  Luckily I was testing with two other teachers so I did get a good long break, but I used it to put together an assignment for a student in prime time.  This week is pretty much a wasted week and a wash in terms of getting any class work done. I also have the issue of the fact that I’ll be gone for three days next week to go to the state competition and then the week after that I’ll be gone a day and a half for my graduation.  I need to figure out what to leave for my classes. 

I have a preliminary job interview on Friday with another school district in the area.  For this district, you have to interview with someone in the district administration before you can be considered for an interview at a specific campus.  I do know that a librarian within the district is retiring so if all goes well, I will be able to move on to a campus interview.  When I talked to the district librarian about setting up an interview she said that she already had my information on her desk so hopefully that is a good sign. 

Right now I’m watching last week’s episodes of American Idol.  Then at 7:00 I will watch this week’s.  Usually I find out who gets voted off before I have a chance to watch it but this week I have no idea.  Nobody made comments on facebook so I have no idea. 

In Waco

I left yesterday around noon to go up to the school and leave my sub plans and then we headed out around 2:00 for the long drive to Waco.  We got in around 10 p.m. and stayed ahead of the storms.  We drove through about 15 minutes of rain outside of Abilene and found out that tornadoes were developing to the south of Abilene.  Luckily we were heading more east and was able to stay ahead of the weather.  Some strong storms hit the towns that we had traveled through, but not until we were well ahead of them.  I slept well last night.  I took 1/2 an ambien and the bed was pretty comfortable.  We are staying at a Fairfield inn and it is pretty nice. 

Today I’m at the competition so it is a long day of just waiting.  Luckily they have internet access.  I have to design a t-shirt for our nationals group so I’m going to try to get that done.  I also have books to read and even brought my Harry Potter video to watch.  I also have my new Mental Floss magazine which I held off reading so I could do it here. 

After the competition, we will go to the mall for a while and then we will have dinner with my friend Kim who I typically see once a year when we come down here.  We will head back tomorrow so we don’t have to rush back. 

Sleeping In

It is so wonderful to be able to sleep in.  I just love not having to wake to an alarm clock.  I finally figured out how to turn one of them off so it wouldn’t come on at 6:18 this morning.  Don’t judge.  I actually have three alarms.  I have a clock that holds my iphone and it is set for 6:18.  It plays a song from my phone to wake me up.  Lately it has been playing Summer of 69 by Bryan Adams.  I’m not sure when or why it changes, but after a few weeks or a month it will play a different song.  Then I have another clock that is a dual alarm where I can set two different times.  I usually only use one and it is set for 6:37.  Don’t ask me why – but I like weird alarm times.  It comes on to a local classic rock radio station.  I listen to this station in the car on my way to work as well.  I just started doing that about a year ago and it makes the drive much better. But this morning the alarms were off and I stayed in bed until 9:00 a.m.  It was quite lovely. 

Today’s plans are more shopping.  I’m picking up my friend Pam a little before 11:00 and we will hit Kohl’s and perhaps a few other places and then have some lunch.  Then more shopping if necessary.  I played at the Holy Thursday service last night and will sing for Good Friday tonight.  Tomorrow Matthew and I will have lunch and then probably go to a movie.  I have to be back for the Easter Vigil service by 7:30.  Sunday I am sleeping in again and then I have to go up to the school to clean my room and leave sub plans.  We’re leaving around 2:00 to drive to Waco. 

It’s time to take a shower and get ready to go.  Hope you are all have a very “Good Friday.”  

Shopping today

Amazingly, I got quite a few things done today.  I got several papers graded and recorded.  I gave all my students progress reports today.  We also had a spa day at school where we got spa treatments during our conference periods.  After school I headed to the mall.  I wanted to find some shoes, which I did, but also looked for something to wear for my upcoming graduation.  I found two dresses that are maybes right now.  I still want to go to Kohl’s before I decide.  I also got some lotion, heel cream, and body wash from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  I picked up some Taco Villa for dinner.  Now I need to decide whether I should read or watch the recording of American Idol.  I got a new Mental Floss magazine today.  I don’t know if I should go ahead and read it or hold off and take it with me to Waco. 

Matthew bought his airline ticket today.  He’ll be flying into DFW for my graduation and I’ll pick him up at the airport.  I’m excited that he’ll get to be there.  Josh won’t be able to, nor will any of my family that I know of – except maybe my uncle and aunt that live in the DFW area. 

Well, I think I’ll go to bed and decide whether to read my new magazine or continue my Kindle book. 

State Bound

I left for the regional competition in Abilene early Friday morning.  We arrived around noon and stopped at the mall for lunch.  The first competition started at 3:30 which was LD debate.  After three rounds of debate all the coaches were called in for verification.  There were some issues at that point because a decision had not been made whether to go to quarters or straight to semi-finals.  Since there was a clear break of 4 teams with a perfect record; it made sense to go straight to semis – especially since our student was in the top four.  But the contest director after already presenting results of how our students did, expected coaches to make the decision which was completely ridiculous.  They were geared to go to quarters until another school from our district and our speech coach filed protests.  They called the state office and after much discussion, it was decided to go to straight to semi-finals which was a benefit to our student.  She ended up placing 2nd and qualified for state.  This means I’ll be going to Austin in three weeks.  Our social studies team also placed first so they will be going as well. 

I took my library certification exam on Saturday morning. It was a hundred question test.  I feel ok about it, but there were several questions that I had no idea on the answers.  I was the first to finish and it took me an hour and a half.  Now it is just a matter of waiting to see if I passed.  This test doesn’t affect my graduation, but to get my state certification, I have to pass it.  This is in order to be able to be a librarian at any public school in the state. 

We left this morning at 8:00, stopped for lunch around 11:00 and I got back a little after 2:00.  Matthew met me here at my house and we went to an orchestra concert.  After it was over, we went to an early dinner and visited for a while.  I think we were both tired so after that, he dropped me at my house and headed back.  I took a nap. 

It’s going to be a busy few weeks.  This week is Holy Week so I’ll be involved in church stuff Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  Then I leave Sunday to drive to Waco for a competition and back on Tuesday.  I’ll have the next weekend off and then the first weekend in May is when I’ll be going to Austin for the state competition.  Then the following week is my graduation.  Matthew is going to fly down Friday morning and I’ll pick him up at the airport and then he can ride back with me on Sunday.  I originally was only going to take Friday off for my graduation and drive down there Thursday evening, but I think I will take at least 1/2 a day on Thursday so I can leave earlier and then have dinner with Josh that evening before he flies out for LA.

Running Ragged Again

I’m feeling better, but still have a tickling in my throat.  At least I didn’t feel completely exhausted today.  I talked with Matthew on the phone for a bit last night and asked him to think about doing a ballroom dancing class with me this summer.  I think that will depend on his foot getting better.  He said that if it’s not better by next week, he’ll go to a doctor.  It’s the only thing left that is hurting. 

Today was a long day that still seemed to go by fast.  We had shorter class periods today because we were on a special schedule so that all the students could watch the school’s One Act Play.  I gave a really hard test to my English students.  I don’t know how they did, but probably not very well.  I will grade them while I’m in Abilene this weekend at Regionals.  I had to stay after school to get ready for my sub.  I planned to only stay an hour but it ended up being 2 1/2 hours.  I rushed home and had to pick up dog food for the dogs since I’m going to be gone and I’m having someone else come over to feed them.  Then I picked up Wendy’s for dinner and was headed to choir rehearsal when I spilled water all over my pants.  So I had to come home to change and then I went to rehearsal.  I got back about 9:15 and was in the process of packing before I got distracted by my computer.  At least that means I posted something today.

I have leave the house by 6:30 tomorrow morning because we load the bus at 7:15 and I still have to go by my room to pick up a computer and printer for the journalism student.  Then we drive 4 1/2 hours to Abilene.  On Saturday morning I have to take my library certification exam.  Then I have to go back to the contest and wait for results.  We head back on Sunday morning.  The school year is winding down fast and I’m not even close to being done with all that I need to do.  I just need to lock myself in my classroom for a weekend and maybe I’ll catch up.

Feeling blah

I’m getting sick again.  Started getting the scratchy throat yesterday.  I came home from school and didn’t want to do anything, but had to go the bank and then had church last night.  It was the communal reconciliation service and I needed to go since I knew I wouldn’t have another chance to get to confession before Easter.  So after I got home I took 1/2 a sleeping pill and was in bed by 8:00 p.m.  This morning I could feel my tonsils swelling up.  I also just felt drained and tired all day.  I called for a doctor’s appointment during my conference period so I got in at 4:30 today.  Got an antibiotic so hope it will kick in and take care of this yuckiness. 

I’m applying for another local library job.  This time it is a the city library – a youth services job.  I guess we’ll see if I can get in for an interview again.  My concern is that even if I should get the job, the salary may not be where it needs to be.  I guess I’ll wait and see. 

I need to finish creating two tests over poetry for my English classes tonight.  But I want to go to bed at a decent hour as well.  I guess after American Idol is over I will take a benadryl and work on the test until it kicks in.  I’ll finish the test when I get to school if I don’t get it done tonight.

Our first fight

Matthew texted me back Sunday evening.  It appears I made him mad with my “snippy” text message.  He said that he’s behind at work trying to get next year’s budget done and hasn’t been sleeping well and my accusing him of lying is something he just didn’t need right now.  I responded with an apology, but told him I had more to say but I was going to my Sunday night church group meeting.  I tried calling him when I got back and he immediately asked if he could call me back later.  I said yes.  He never called back.  I texted him this morning to see if he just forgot or was still mad.  He said that he was having dinner with his superintendent and they just got to talking and he forgot.  Later today I texted him and said that while I shouldn’t have lashed out at him I did want to talk to him and give him my perspective on things.  I asked him for 30 minutes of his time.  He said he’d call after his board meeting tonight.  Don’t know if I should hold my breath on that one.

I know I should probably cut and run and I probably deserve better.  But when you go five years without so much as a date of any kind – having a lousy boyfriend sometimes seems better than the alternative.  I still like him and I like doing things with him – but I don’t like the wishy-washy stuff.  We’ll see how our conversation goes tonight – IF it happens.

I know I’m insane when it comes to relationships, but I’m probably going to commit to something insane at work next year as well.  There is an opening for a new drill team sponsor with the band.  The stipend is pretty good, but I’d be giving up Monday and Friday nights for about 4 months.  But I’d probably get band as a class period during the day which may mean not having an extra English class next year.  I haven’t decided yet – but that stipend along with the extra money I’ll get for having my master’s degree would be helpful when paying back the student loans for my useless degree. 

I have been a baking fool for the past week.  I’ve made four cakes since last Sunday.  I made Matthew’s birthday cake – the white chocolate raspberry cake last Sunday.  Then I made a cinnamon swirl cake for the math department and my 4th period class last Thursday.  Then this Sunday I made a lemon cake with a vanilla glaze for my church group meeting and I just took a confetti cake out of the oven for my 5th period class tomorrow.  My 4th & 5th periods wanted to celebrate my upcoming graduation.  Speaking of which, I made my hotel reservation and got the Holiday Inn for $62 a night through hotwire. 

I’m still getting compliments on the hair which has been nice.  The only negative comment I got was from my ex-husband who wanted a “disklike” button on my facebook page when I posted that I had cut it out.  I told him that I did it to please myself and I don’t feel the need to please others.  I should have added – especially him. 

****Update*****
I realized I hadn’t posted this before I left for band rehearsal.  I went to the first half of rehearsal and then left to go see Matthew.  I had a lengthy speech improvised in my head and only ended up telling him about 10% of it, but we are ok.  He greeted me with a hug which was a good sign.  He proceeded to talk about his week and his day in which I learned that he has not slept well for about a week now – and he apologized to me for that.  I had my say as to why I snapped and told him that I felt rejected and that he has been unsympathetic towards me.  He apologized.  He said he still wanted to come to my graduation next month.  I said that I wanted to.  I said I still wanted to date and he said he did too, but it would be hit or miss this next month or so because of things being so busy at work.  But we’re going to a concert at the university next Sunday and then his school’s One Act Play performance on the 21st.  So we’re ok.  Still not perfect – but not to the breaking point.  And it could be that I might just overreact every once in a while.  Not much… just a little.

Something Amiss

Something is up with Matthew and he won’t tell me what it is.  So it is the waiting game once again.  This is getting old.  You’d think after all I’ve done, that he’d appreciate me, but all I’m getting is the cold shoulder.  I don’t know what it is this time.  He has the new job, the new apartment.  His pain issues are almost gone – mostly in a foot right now.  I’m guessing that there’s just something about me he doesn’t like or I still don’t “wow” him.  I guess I don’t have what it takes.  But I’m getting tired of this.  I honestly deserve to be with  someone that acts interested in me and wants to spend time with me.

So far the haircut has been a hit.  Most everyone seems to like it – except for my ex-husband, but thankfully I have no need to please him any more.  Matthew hasn’t even seen it yet and he doesn’t seem to want to.  Oh well.  Today was a mundane day.  I went to a rehearsal at 10.  I picked up Taco Villa for lunch at 12:00.  I texted Matthew and asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner tonight.  Two hours later he said he would have to pass because he was at work and was planning to go to a game at 4:30 which was a lie.  I checked the baseball schedule for the district he works at.  No game at 4:30.  It was at noon.  And even if he did go to a game at 4:30, there’s no reason why he could come to dinner at 6:30 or 7:00.  I would have understood if he just wanted/needed time alone this weekend, but I do not appreciate being lied to.  So because I was a bit mad over this, I started to clean the house.  I clean when I have company coming over, when I’m upset or mad, or when there’s a tornado warning (I know it doesn’t make sense). 

So I cleaned, watched t.v., surfed the internet, and didn’t do much of anything else.  I have to get some things at the store tomorrow since I’m taking snacks to my prayer study group tomorrow night.  I kind of wish I would have gone to Dallas this weekend in spite of the fact that Josh wasn’t free.  I have gone to theme parks by myself before.  It’s not as fun, but I would have gotten out of the house. 

I think I’m going to go read a little bit and call it a day.  I’m just tired of everything in my life going wrong at the moment. 

The New Do

Well, here it is – picture of the new hair cut.  Keep in mind it is the end of the day and I’m already in pajamas with makeup worn off.  But this is a general shot of the hair. 

 
My day was ok.  Nothing much to speak of.  My hair was noticed and I got the annoying “Did you get your hair cut?” question.  I would think that since about 5 inches was cut off that it’s obvious without asking such a question.  But all comments were complimentary today so that is good.  I like the fact that it takes less than 2 minutes to style which includes blow drying it.

I had a fish sandwich and fries for dinner tonight.  At least I remembered to not eat meat today.  I watched t.v. and now thinking about going to bed soon.  It’s been a lazy, uneventful night.  Tomorrow I have to go to a rehearsal at 10 a.m. and then I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I was hoping that Matthew and I could do something, but he’s not feeling well again so I guess we’ll see.  I’m feeling restless again.  I want to get out and do something.  Go somewhere.  I don’t want to sit at home alone because then I worry and think about stuff that I really don’t want to think about right now.

Change

When I get in a melancholy mood like I am this week (because of the whole job thing), I want to make changes.  I want to do something different.  I’ve thought of taking a trip by myself to Dallas to ride rollercoasters.  I was going to have Josh drive up and join me, but he has to work on Saturday.  So then I thought I should go shopping but I have no idea what to shop for.  So I decided to get my hair cut.  It’s been at that medium in-between stage where it is difficult to style, gets too frizzy, and is just blah most of the time.  So today I called and got an appointment for 5:30 and had most of my hair chopped off.  I haven’t had short hair since I first started blogging – gee, that’s a long time ago.  Seven years.  But I like the hair.  I think it suits me and makes me look younger.  My face has slimmed a little since losing weight so I think the short hair works and perhaps even helps make it look even more slim.  So that’s my big change in the midst of my personal crisis.  I’ll try to get a picture up soon. 

Other than that – nothing new here.  Just slugging away at school.  My English students are presenting their poetry projects which I’ve been enjoying.  Speech students are writing their first speech.  Don’t ask about yearbook.  That is the one thing that I don’t want to do next year.  As much as I like the creative process of creating a yearbook, my heart just isn’t in it any more. 

Oh, in my fit of depression at the beginning of the week I signed up to teach a week of summer school.  It’s not really teaching though.  It’s credit recovery for students that failed.  I basically babysit and make sure they get work done to bring their grade up to passing.  It is supposed to be two weeks but I can only do the first week because I’ll be going to the national speech tournament the second week.  But I think the pay is $100 a day so that will be some nice extra money. 

I need to head to the choir rehearsal so I’m out of here.

Bummer

I didn’t get the job.  Got the thanks for your interest but we chose someone else email today.  So that’s a bummer.  Not sure what to do now.  I really don’t want to teach next year. 

I’m to the point that I just don’t care.  I hate my job.  Ok, that’s harsh.  I hate much of my job.  I enjoy the students. 

Band concert went ok tonight.  Matthew came to it.  He came over and watched the first half of the basketball game and then headed home.  I’m supposed to get grades updated tonight but I don’t have a list of the yearbook assignments so I can’t.  I think I’ll just go to bed early because I’m just depressed anyway. 

I just want the day to be done.  And I want a library job.  I might be willing to move across the country at this point. 

Greatest Girlfriend Ever

At least that is what I tell Matthew that I am.  I think maybe he’s starting to realize it.  I had a very special birthday planned.  Nothing extravagant – we didn’t go anywhere or really do anything, but I did a lot of work.  Last night I made a white chocolate raspberry cake.  It turned out really pretty.  I have pictures, but can’t transfer them from my camera until I get a card reader.  I went to the 8:30 mass this morning so I could get back and get lunch prepared.  I made enchiladas and spanish rice.  I headed over to his place around 11:30 and cooked the enchiladas in his oven.  The rice was done, but I also made queso.  Then Matthew opened his presents.  I got him three DVDs.  (He just got a DVD player for the first time at Christmas) I also found him a nice table-top water fountain.  He seemed to like it.  I did tell him that on the way over that I decided that if all my work didn’t impress him that I would have to tell him to go to hell and walk away.  Luckily, he was impressed.  The food was good and I thought the cake turned out really well.  It was quite yummy.  We shared a bottle of wine and watched one of the DVDs.  Then we sat on his balcony and talked for a bit.  He wasn’t ready to talk about relationship stuff when I tried to steer him in that direction, but I gave him a break since it was his birthday.  He’s still having issues with a pinched nerve or something that sends spasms down his hip and leg.  I told him that he needed to go see a chiropractor.  Don’t know if he’ll listen to me or not.  He did say that I am very sweet and he probably takes me for granted. 

I came home and rested for a bit and then went to my church prayer group meeting.  I got home after 9:00 and spent the last hour writing the thank-you’s to all the people that interviewed me.  They are supposed to make a decision sometime this week.  Keep your fingers crossed and the prayers going.  I would love to get the job. 

Miss Me?

It’s that time of year again when everything is just getting crazy.  I still haven’t watched American Idol from last week so I don’t even know the results.  But let me try to catch you up on things.

Tuesday’s training at school was pointless.  I could see the cool things that could be done with the video equipment, but knew that the speech dept would never really get to use it.  I found out though, that the college that I was interviewing with was contacting my references so hopefully that was a good sign.  I went to town that evening to find a birthday present for Matthew since his birthday is Sunday.  I finally found what I was looking for.  I picked up a salad and baked potato for dinner from Wendy’s but discovered that my stomach still hadn’t completely settled.  I couldn’t sleep around 3:00 a.m. because I had lots of gas or something that kept me burping.  I got up and started folding laundry since I couldn’t sleep and at one point I felt sick and threw up again.  I didn’t feel bad – just that I couldn’t keep food down.  After that, things calmed down and I got maybe another hour or two of sleep.

Wednesday I drove to a small town about an hour and half away to judge a speech tournament since I would be getting paid for judging and for mileage.  It was a long day but I did get to visit with some fellow speech teachers so it wasn’t too bad.  I didn’t get home until almost 9:00 so I didn’t do much before going to bed.

Thursday I was back at school and trying to play catch up from being gone for two days.  I stayed after school and graded papers until 7:00.  When the school server shut down yet again, I took that as my cue to go home.  I got started on my presentation that I needed for my interview, but didn’t get it finished.  I had a rough written outline and figured I could piece it together at school on Friday.

Friday was mostly a blur.  I graded the story book projects that my English students did that morning and got my grades entered.  I worked on the powerpoint for my interview presentation at lunch and got most of it finished.  I completed it during 6th period and then I realized that it was almost time for me to leave for the interview.  I got my last class started and then headed for the interview. 

I thought overall the interview went fine.  I believed that I showed that I was confident.  I thought most of my answers were ok, though I of course in reflection I’m overanalyzing it.  I thought the presentation went pretty well.  The library director did say that I did well, but then again he may have said that to all the candidates.  So now it is just a wait and see.  They expect to make a decision this week. 

After the interview I headed to Matthew’s place and then we went to dinner at Applebees.  After that we headed to the civic center to watch the showcase of music which was very disappointing to me this year.  Usually it is a huge production with lots of small music ensembles along with the bigger groups like the bands and orchestra, but this year it was only the large groups that performed. 

After briefly stopping at Matthew’s place after the concert, I headed home and went straight to bed.  I enjoyed sleeping in this morning, but I do have a to-do list brewing.  I need to write thank-you letters to the people that interviewed me yesterday, do laundry, practice my clarinet, and catch up on grading some papers.

Tomorrow I’m going to spend the afternoon with Matthew celebrating his birthday.  Not sure of the plans just yet, but I do want to make him a cake.  Sorry for such a long post – but had to get caught up.