Sunday, September 18, 2011

Socially Awkward

Last night I went to the reception for my friend Brent.  At first is was really socially awkward because I only really knew Brent.  So I got food and a beer and sat by myself and ate.  I texted Marty to find out when he would get off work which was 10:30.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it until then.  But I made an effort to be social and talked to a couple of guys that work for Brent.  Then I talked to a guy that graduated from Canyon, but a year earlier than Brent and I.  I knew who he was, but wasn’t sure if he knew who I was.  Turns out he remembered me so I visited with him and two other guys most of the rest of the night.  I also had a nice long visit with Brent’s mom and was surprised that she remembered me.  She was very nice and offered to let me visit her in Ruidoso some time.  I did have a few drinks but didn’t get drunk, thankfully.  I was happy that Marty showed up after work though.  I always enjoy talking to him.  There was a married guy there that was kind of hitting on me – or maybe he was just being really friendly. 

There was a girl there that Marty and I met when Brent invited us over for dinner earlier this summer.  At one point she came over and whispered “What’s going on between the two of you?” referring to Marty and I.  We weren’t doing anything but talking and standing next to each other, but I guess she sensed something.  When I told her “nothing,” she gave me a look that said “yeah, right.”  I didn’t have a chance to explain the complexities of our relationship to her.  This isn’t the first time that someone has picked up on the connection that I guess is obvious.  I’m not sure that I could even explain it because I don’t really understand it either.  All I can say is that there is always something just “there” when it comes to Marty.  I don’t know if we are cosmically tied in some way, if it’s just because he was perhaps the first man I truly loved, or if it is something else altogether.  I just don’t know.  The problem is that in spite of whatever connection exists, there are too many other issues that seem to get in the way.  Relationships are always complex I guess.  For example, when we left the party last night, Marty and I held hands as we walked to the parking lot, we hugged, he gave me a quick kiss and told me to call him when I got home.  He offered to let me stay the night at his place and I was certainly tempted, but I figured I should head home.  You’d almost think from those actions that we were a couple.  But we’re not.  I don’t know if we ever will give it another shot.  I sense that Marty might be interested again, but holds himself back because his life is rather chaotic.  Though I guess I’m probably always interested, what holds me back is our painful history.  I don’t know if I can take another risk like that, but then I realize that every relationship is a risk.  I just don’t know – thus the complexity of our relationship.  I guess we’ll continue to be slightly more than friends and see what happens, if anything.  In the meantime, I will leave myself open to other opportunities should they happen. 

Speaking of which, I did have a date tonight.  There was some confusion about the restaurant that we were going to meet at.  I thought he said “Cha Cha’s” when he actually meant “Chacho’s” so I went to the wrong place.  I eventually made it and we had dinner.  The problem was that it was really loud because they were having karaoke night and they had the music up really loud so it was difficult to have a conversation.  The evening was fine.  He seems nice.  I’m just not sure that it would go anywhere.  I can’t explain that either other than simply my gut instinct.  I think we could be friends that hang out from time to time, but I’m not sure about actually dating. 

We got a lot of rain this weekend which is great.  It rained quite a bit yesterday and a storm rolled through this evening while we were at the restaurant.  The power even when out for a couple of minutes – which was actually nice because we could talk without yelling.  I had to drive back in the storm though so I took it pretty slow.  By the time I got here most of the storm had passed. 

Well, it’s really late for me.  I need to get some sleep and get to school somewhat early tomorrow so I can try to resolve a printer issue if I can. 

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