Friday, October 29, 2004
Things with Marty are the same... struggling with the long-distance thing, but things are good none-the-less. He's read my blog and knows of my frustrations.
I'm still investigating Catholicism. I'm on my 7th or 8th book on the subject. I think there's no doubt that if I do take the leap to get involved with church again, it will, indeed, be the Catholic church. But it's the matter of actually jumping in and making the decision to do it. That decision in itself could affect my relationship with Marty in either a good or bad way depending on what direction he decides to go with his spiritual life. The thing is that if I do it, I will do it whole-heartedly. I'm not sure that Marty would be able to handle that.
I'm still trying to figure out the health insurance issue. Have kind of put that on hold for the moment and just hoping Josh and I don't get sick. I know we've been pushing our luck for a while.
I keep having random dreams about my mom. For those of you that don't know this, my mother passed away last year after battling lung cancer. It's very strange to dream about her as she is very much real and alive in my dreams. Last night was unusual because I dreamed about her when she was much younger. The way I knew her as a child. My mother and I were never what you'd call close. Nor were we at odds. She was just my mother. Not my friend. I know I have regret over that, but our family dynamic was not what you'd call open and loving. We didn't say we loved each other, nor did we hug. Outside of my family I do have loving relationships with my friends and with Marty. Sometimes it would seem as though I live a double life.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Deal with car stuff (engine lights, tags, inspection stickers, oil changes....)
Fix my computer problems
Someone to make major decisions
Someone to pick up heavy stuff
Why it's good to still be on my own (basically):
Not sharing a bathroom
Not hearing "We're having spaghetti again?"
Being able to watch sad movies and cry like a blubbering idiot by myself
Nobody bitches about my menagerie of animals
No snoring other than my own
My house can stay as messy as I can tolerate it
Can go to bed early and sleep late without guilt
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Here's the synopsis:
Saturday: arrived at 3:15. Marty was late, but he brought flowers so I couldn't be mad.
Sunday: Went to Six Flags New England. Had loads of fun. Was chilly but didn't mind too much.
Monday: Stayed home while Marty went to work. Watched Sex & the City all day then the lovely fiasco that I already wrote about. (Made me pause to think some at that point)
Tuesday: Went to lunch with Prison Pete's editor. (Also noted in previous journal)
Wednesday: Marty was off the rest of the time starting on this day. Went to Mystic Seaport. Met his ex on this day and went with them to play pool (yes they play on the same team). Had another moment of seeing Marty in a different light. I kind of felt invisible during the pool night. I tend to be shy in these types of situations and so I spent the evening watching baseball (ugh) and the people play pool. For Marty, I guess it was just another night of pool, but I felt he was quite distant. I didn't even get a kiss from him all night. Yet when his ex left, he gave her (though it was a friendly type) kiss. That was icing on the cake for me. The thing is that Marty wasn't even aware of any of my feelings about the night. He was completely oblivious to anything being wrong until we left. When I told him about my feelings, he just didn't get it. I think after a few tears he started to understand and we talked through it. But again was a situation to be noted.
I tried to explain to him that he seemed different here than he did when he was in Texas. He didn't think so, but I think he was.
Thursday: Had the toe situation. Seems I probably only bruised it rather than break it. Went to the airport to pick up his ex-wife's boyfriend. Had dinner at his ex's house.
Friday: Went to Mystic Aquarium. Was fun. Went to the mall. Went to dinner with a friend of Marty's (who is also one of his ex's ex's if that makes sense). Outback. Was very good.
Saturday: Went to the movies with his girls and again... his ex and her boyfriend. We had the girls that evening. Watched movies. Made Marty take cough medicine.
Sunday: Took the girls back home and then hung out there (again) all afternoon. They cooked burgers and sausages. Marty and the ex and boyfriend played a golf game while I read a book.
Monday: Did laundry and packed. (Had to buy an extra bag to check because I bought too much stuff) Headed home on this day.
So out of the 10 days there, 4 were spent in some capacity with his ex. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad, but I guess more or less just seemed kind of weird. She was nice to me. She and Marty tended to nag each other incessantly. She didn't seem encouraging about us stating that the way he is now was the way he was 10 years ago. Even told me to run at one point.
What I discovered on this trip.
I still love Marty. I'm still in love with him.
Marty still lacks some maturity and sensitivity.
I know I can't change him.
He will have to want to change himself.
He does have the potential.
Marty is a nice guy. Maybe too nice.
I can see why he and his ex broke up. I also kind of wonder why they did.
They're still close. But not in a romantic way.
His girls are still terrific.
Marty lacks patience... still.
He seems different at home than he was in Texas.
Part of it might have been the course of "wooing" me.
In Texas, he's more attentive to me and my needs.
Although he still doesn't have the romance gene, I think he's learning a little.
He still has more to learn though.
I sleep better when I'm with him.
I'm not looking forward to being away from him for a year.
But I will handle it.
Hopefully it will strengthen our relationship.
I know he's a loyal man and is honest. And that's two of the most important things I'm looking for this go round.
And now my head is spinning, so I'm going to stop for now.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Other than the toe fiasco, things are going pretty well. We went to Mystic Seaport yesterday which was very interesting. Today was dinner with his ex-wife, his girls and his ex's boyfriend. It wasn't as weird as you might think it would be. We're going to the aquarium tomorrow. To the movies on Saturday (Shark Tale with the girls) and who knows what on Sunday. Unfortunately I have to head home on Monday and I'm not sure when I'll get to see Marty again. But am going to remain hopeful that at least I'll see him sometime during the Christmas break.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
I met Jim today. (Prison Pete's editor) We had a very nice, lengthy lunch with good coversation and then some ice cream for dessert. Jim is a very nice guy with a very full plate of stuff going on.. his job, his son's hockey stuff, the blog... etc. But I know that I appreciate the work he does on the blog.
Well, pizza is here and am going to go eat.
Monday, October 18, 2004
I'm here in Connecticut. Got in on time on Saturday. Marty was late meeting me. I was disappointed that he wasn't there (bad Jennifer thinking mmmm... this is familar, but tried to change my tune when he did show up with a dozen roses). So I got my first bunch of flowers from Marty and they're gorgeous. And they're opening up beautifully.. which is amazing because roses I've gotten in the past tend to just wilt immediately. I'll post a picture of them later.
Yesterday we went to Six Flags New England. It was great. Two really good coasters and I was very impressed by the fact that though they still intimidate Marty, he willingly got on them and rode them with me. We played scrabble last night and I whipped him mercilessly, but did not rub that fact in and gave him a massage afterwards.
So today he had to go to work. I slept in. I watched the entire last season of Sex and the City as he has HBO on demand. Cried my eyes out. Then decided to be productive. Took a shower. Did some laundry. Cleaned the house. Did some dishes. When we were planning this trip, Marty would joke with me that I didn't need much clothes. That I just needed to stay naked most of the time. I joked that he probably wanted me to meet him at the door naked with a Martini when he got home from work. He said, no, make it a screwdriver instead. So today I basically did just that. I thought that I would get a better reaction than what I did. I had on one of his oxford shirts on (unbuttoned) waiting on the couch with a screwdriver. I knew we didn't have time for sex as we needed to go pick up my rental car, but what I got was "That's nice, but you need to get dressed so we can go get your car." And that upset me. I knew we wouldn't just jump on the bed and have a quickie, but I thought at least I'd a get a 'wow... I like that.. very nice...' or something. There was no drooling or anything. Maybe it's because I've gained 4 pounds or something...I don't know... but despite my self-esteem issues I've had in dealing with my body, generally when I've met a man naked at the door or something, I get a little something more than what I got today. I know he's missing the romance gene... but I figured he was at least a typical male that would have had a better reaction than what he did. But there I go again... figuring... and assuming again. So do I keep trying or give up on the whole romantic gesture thing? Marty keeps telling me that he's pretty much wysiwyg (what you see is what you get) and I wonder if I can accept that. I KNOW better than to try to change anyone. That backfired badly with Richard. But I'm also the type of person that really needs romance. And I know he's trying, but he probably can never meet my standards on that. So I guess I have to either let go of my wishful thinking and accept him completely as he is now or continue to be disappointed. I don't mean to be this way. But I guess one of us is going to have to change a little.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Unfortunately the weight isn't dropping at the moment. As a matter of fact it was up 3 pounds this morning. But my clothes don't feel tighter. So I'm really hoping it's because I'm building muscle and still losing fat. I would really like to be down a size by Christmas.
I've decided to try and drink more water. My goal is to have 64 ounces of water a day. Right now I'm almost finished with 44 oz. (But I started this afternoon) I guess we'll see how it goes.
I know I can't diet. I'm much too picky of an eater so I'm going to just try not to over eat, drink more water, and go to my workout classs. Unfortunately I'm going to miss three classes while I'm gone to Connecticut. I'll try to make up for it though.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
1. I am 34
2. I am divorced
3. I was married for five years
4. I’m now dating my boyfriend from high school
5. He found me on classmates.com
6. I love to ride rollercoasters
7. I’m a member of American Coaster Enthusiasts
8. My favorite coaster is Poltergeist at Fiesta Texas
9. I’ve ridden 121 rollercoasters
10. I collect Marvin the Martian items
11. I broke my neck when I was 4 yrs old
12. I was hit by a car
13. I’ve had a total of 104 stitches in my life
14. I’ve been to a taping of The Price Is Right
15. I wasn’t called to “Come on Down”
16. You can see me in the audience at least 4 times
17. I have 4 cats
18. I have 2 dogs
19. I play the clarinet
20. I was flag captain in high school and college
21. I went to band camp for 7 summers
22. I’m fascinated by the Titanic
23. I have a 13 yr old son
24. My son was born on my 21st birthday
25. I dream about tornadoes
26. But I like watching shows about tornadoes
27. I’m a native Texan
28. My favorite color is green
29. I like crossword puzzles
30. I hate most vegetables
31. I really hate beans
32. My favorite food is spaghetti
33. I like 80’s music
34. My favorite singer is Olivia Newton John
35. My sign is Scorpio
36. I used to be a teacher
37. I taught speech, yearbook and visual media
38. I now sell yearbooks
39. I make my own schedule
40. I’ve never been stung by a flying insect
41. I don’t want to ever be stung
42. I have an older sister
43. I have an older brother
44. I am the baby of the family
45. I was in two musicals
46. But I can’t sing
47. I like to read
48. My favorite authors are Janet Evanovich, Sue Grafton, and J.K. Rowling
49. I don’t go to church right now
50. I used to go to the Baptist church
51. I’ve been to the Episcopalian church
52. I’ve been Baptized twice and “saved” on three occasions
53. I’m thinking about becoming a Catholic
54. I believe in God
55. I love watching C.S.I. Vegas
56. And I love watching Monk
57. I graduated 16th in my high school class of 332
58. I graduated from West Texas A&M University
59. My GPA was a 3.82 (Magna Cum Laude)
60. I started out as a music major
61. I switched to Speech Education
62. I am shy
63. I’ve been to Vegas 4 times
64. I like going to museums
65. I like to do crossword puzzles
66. Nobody will play Scrabble with me
67. I’ve lost 25 pounds
68. I want to lose at least 25 more
69. I flew to Michigan for a blind date
70. I wear contacts most of the time
71. I hate wearing panty hose
72. I am right handed
73. I believe in ghosts
74. I painted my kitchen Lime green
75. And I like it
76. I want to be on Trading Spaces and have my living room done
77. I like to dance
78. I wanted to be a choreographer when I grew up
79. My dream job is to be a music librarian
80. My dog, Roo, snores and it’s annoying
81. I can be hypnotized
82. I’ve been hypnotized on stage
83. I can remember all my phone numbers from 2nd grade to the present
84. I have a “thing” about memorizing numbers
85. I also memorize birthdays
86. I want to go on a cruise some day
87. I am a good kisser
88. My first kiss was in 8th grade
89. I have been to half of the states in the U.S.
90. I’ve been to the Caribbean
91. And Mexico
92. My car has over 185,000 miles on it
93. And it’s paid for
94. I drive a Honda CRV
95. I hate doing laundry
96. And the dishes
97. I like to cook
98. I have neat handwriting
99. I like to sleep in
100. This was really hard
I wasn't very clear on the news about Marty's relocation. It looks like he's going to head to Alaska for a year. Without his recommendation he was only left with four choices. Two isolated duties in Alaska for a year and then he can get a priority one when he gets out. Or he could go to either upper Michigan or Wisconsin for four years. If he goes to Alaska for a year, there's a possibility of getting to Las Cruces, NM after that. That would be about 5 hours away which is much better than Michigan or Wisconsin. But even that is only a maybe with the way things go in the military. But I'm going to hope for the best and get through it the best I can.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Friday, October 08, 2004
What are your plans for the upcoming weekend?
Going to go out with my friend Pam and celebrate her birthday, eat drink and be merry despite my state of wallowing in self-pity.
Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
Carol Ann - my dad's girlfriend. She tried to reassure me that despite the devastating news about Marty it will all work out if it's supposed to... blah, blah, blah. I "know" this, but it doesn't help. But I'm still trying to accept it.
Name a hobby that you've tried but eventually gave up for some reason.
Writing to some degree. I've started journals several times but generally abandon them. This is the first time I've sort of kept up with it. I can't really think of anything else except perhaps the theatre. Since it kind of disbanded and was kind of a thing I did with my ex, I haven't been involved in it for a while. And I'm still too chicken to audtion at ALT.
What is the most important personality quality in a mate?
A good sense of humor. If you can't laugh at yourself and enjoy life, it makes life kind of miserable.
Why is the sky blue (be creative with your answer)?
Because blue is God's favorite color.
I used to make A's in my college English classes. Once a teacher had me read my essay answer on a test to the entire class. I was quite surprised. I didn't think of myself as a very good writer or having a complete grasp of the subject of Victorian poetry. But he asked me to read my answer to the class. When I had to write my 20 page essay in his class and he read my rough draft, he asked me if I was interested in becoming a TA (Teaching assistant) when I graduated. I was very flattered. But I knew that I couldn't do that because the money sucked and I was going need to do my student teaching. But I was truly amazed by it. I guess some people have a natural knack for writing. And others it takes time to hone their writing skills.
Sometimes when I'm driving in my car (which I do a LOT of with my job) I think of wonderful things to write about and clever ways of putting it, but by the time I get home it seems that all those thoughts just vanish. Sometimes there's a vague inkling about the topic I was thinking of, but then I just can't put it into words.
I've bought books on journaling and I know it really just takes practice. But I haven't even taken the time to read the book or practice the journals. So perhaps it's not really in me. The desire is there to be able to contribute something meaningful in my blogs, but it just isn't happening at the moment.
I took a poetry writing class as a continuing education at the local college once. I remember the concept of creating imagery with one's words. I wish I had a better talent for that. It's funny that the poem my teacher liked the best was one that was written in about five minutes agonizing over my state of being on welfare. The tragic love poem I had submitted seemed trite and cliche'.
I think my best writing has come from the times when I've been so filled with emotion the only escape is to write. And lately I haven't experienced such emotional extremes. In many ways that's a good thing. But I don't want my skills dependent on being completely frustrated, depressed, or angry. I want to speak what's in my heart with words that envelop my readers.
Part of it is just finding the time when I can be alone with my thoughts and let them flow. It seems there's always a distraction. The t.v. Supper. Laundry. The phone. Work. Driving. I've decided to go on a retreat. I'm going to take myself somewhere where there's no distraction and just write. About anything. And see where I end up.
I've still been considering God, religion, church and the like. It's all been permeating my thoughts really. Which is surprising. I have now read 4 Catholic books. I have 2 more books on general protestant religions to start on. But I really think deep down that the Catholic church is the true church. The question is am I ready and willing to take the plunge into it? I'm not at this moment, but probably sometime in the future. With Marty leaving to be in the middle of absolute nowhere, perhaps it's the right time to consider it.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
So now the closest position available is in the middle of nowhere Michigan which would be 4 more years there. Or he could serve isolated duty in Alaska for a year and then have more options when he gets out in 2006. Either way, the choices really suck and isn't really going to be conducive to our relationship. I'm not giving up on it by any means, I just know that it's going to be very difficult if he ends up far away again.
So I'm depressed. And I should have gone to my workout class today, but I just didn't feel like it.
I'm going to try to remain a little hopeful and just leave it in God's hands. I know I may not like the outcome, but I have to keep my faith that everything happens for a reason.
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This is a recent thing with Roo. He's never been this bezerk before. The storm died down around 6:30 so I go get back in bed. When Josh gets up I tell him if it's still raining when he needs to leave I'd take him to school. (He usually walks since it's just a few blocks away)
So I get up again around 7:45 to take Josh to school. It's not really raining, but there's still a lot of water on the ground. Maybe it's the kid in me, but I still love it when I drive through a big puddle of water with my car and it splashes really big on both sides. The big "whoosh" and spray of water. Sometimes it's just the little things.
Well, it's now 8:07 a.m. and I'm going back to bed. Thankfully today my first appointment isn't until 1:00.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
I didn't like the Sunday Brunch questions this week so I'm doing this one instead.
A Bit of Random Questions for the week of Oct 3...enjoy!
1. What is your favorite thing about fall? Is it the weather? Halloween? Daylight Savings Time. I like getting my hour back. Weather is nice too. I used to love to dress up on Halloween. When I was in college we'd have a band halloween party every year and one year I won first place for dressing up like a clarinet.
2. Do you have any pets? Yes. 4 cats and 2 dogs. (Lucy, Tux, Charlie, Tico, Max and Roo)
3. What is your favorite comfort food? Chicken soup, chocolate cake...etc... Oreos and Milk (that's really the only time I drink milk). Chili (no beans) and Rice are great on cold yucky days. Spaghetti with meatsauce is my all-time favorite food though.
4. Do you work? Full time? Part time? Do you like what you do or are you looking for something else? I work full-time as a yearbook associate. (What does that mean?) I travel to schools in the area and service them in relation to creating their yearbooks. I troubleshoot computer issues, help them with planning their book and design mostly. I like my job as it's very flexible and I set my own schedule. It's a lot of driving. (I put 35,000 miles a year on my car) I travel about an hour and 15 minutes to my farthest location and then generally try to hit schools in the same area when I travel. My job can be frustrating dealing with advisers that are never happy and that can't be pleased, unorganized advisers that never meet deadlines and then want their book to ship on time, etc. I'm not necessarily looking for another job at the moment, but I always keep my eyes open. I don't have insurance with this job so that's a major drawback. On the other hand, I'd have a hard time going back to the real world and working summers. I definitely don't want to go back to teaching.
5. What is your favorite hobby? Riding rollercoasters. I also like to read, play games, watch t.v., sleep.
6. Who is your favorite author? What is your favorite book? Favorite authors are Janet Evanovich and Sue Grafton. My favorite book is To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
7. Recommend a good movie. Mmmmm that's a difficult one. I haven't see much in the way of new movies recently but some really good movies in general are The Shawshank Redemption and As Good As It Gets.
8. Do you consider yourself a wild child or are you calm and collected? I'm really a bit of both. I have a wild bad girl streak that is hidden to most people. In general I'm pretty calm and collected as long as things are generally that way as well. When I get upset though, hell hath no fury. But that's rare.
9. What is your greatest accomplishment? My son. He's a great kid. Also, graduating college magna cum laude while being a single parent.
10. Finish this sentence...I have never been to Europe or jumped out of an airplane.
Posted on the Blogger main page:
I started trying to track down the origins of this idea but then I realized that my sweater was completely unraveled. Still, a bunch of bloggers with cameras are having fun with it so here goes: Ask your readers to think of three photos they'd like to see posted to your blog. (Things around your house or whatever.) When you have enough requests, post them!
O.k. so the invitation is open. What pictures from my life, house, town etc.. would you like to see posted on here? Almost anything goes... but I'm not doing naked. (Been there, done that and only very special people have those pics now) So if you want me to take pictures, tell me what you want to see.