I've been thinking about religion quite a bit lately. This is something that hasn't really been on my mind actively for about 14 years. It started again with Marty. You can see my post about his reunion and religion. Well, since then I've read two Catholic books and ordered some other books on Christianity.
Though my faith might have waned to some degree, I have always believed in God and feel that despite my pagan state, He's taken care of me. I figured if He wanted to get in touch with me again and speak to my heart, He would when it was the right time. Perhaps it's now.
But let's get some background. My first religious experience that I remember was around 2nd grade. I was not raised in the church. I vaguely remember going with my aunt when I was little, but never my parents. I used to go to vacation Bible school in Canyon. But in 2nd grade I was invited to go to San Jacinto Baptist church with the promise of skating parties, ice cream socials etc. Of course I wanted to go! And I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me into salvation. I was told all about hell and what a horrible place it was and how I was going to go there unless I was saved. And all I had to do was to say a prayer and ask Jesus in my heart and I would be saved. Simple as that. Nothing to it. So one Sunday I went up to the front of the church with all the other people that wanted to be saved and knelt on the steps and waited for someone to come talk to me. And nobody came to talk to me. I was scared and felt like everyone was staring at me. Finally after what seemed like forever, a grown-up came to talk to me and took me out to another room. He asked me the typical questions like did I believe that Jesus was the Son of God. Did I want to be saved etc... and I said the prayer and got Baptized the same day. I went to Sunday school and learned the books of the Bible and stories about Jesus. It was grand. And best of all were the skating and ice cream parties. What fun! I went to church there for about 3 years I think. After that, we moved to the middle of nowhere and I didn't go to church for a while. I remember that after I was Baptized, my aunt, who was Episcopalian, said that I could participate in the Lord's supper at her church from then on. So I got a taste of the Episcopal church for several years off and on when I would visit her. I went again when I was a freshman in high school. I went with some friends to Paramount Baptist church. Again, I got the fire and brimstone speech that scared me and I thought that before I might not have been really saved before and so I did it again. But that was a one time thing really. I only went to church a couple of times after that. Then I started going to church with Bret. (the one that I was in love with from about 9th-11th grade) His dad was a preacher at (you guessed it) a Baptist church in Amarillo. They would pick me up from my house in the middle of nowhere and take me to church every Sunday. I didn't go through a salvation process at this time. I remember that I barely listened to the sermons and faked the singing. God wasn't really speaking to me. And then finally I was in college. And I still hung around Bret, who by that time was a preacher in his own church. (Once again Baptist) And during my sophomore year, he and another guy from band (who was "born again" the year before) had a party. It wasn't your typical college party. This one involved a sermon more or less. And once again I was "saved". This time was weird though. During the time when everyone's heads are bowed and they're telling you about your need to accept Christ I started shaking. I couldn't stop. I wasn't cold and yet I could not stop shaking. I took it as a sign and I felt that this time I would really be "saved." So I talked about it and once again said the prayer etc... blah, blah, blah. I was Baptized for the second time. But this time I did get involved with the church. I started going to Bible studies. I went to church religiously (pun intended). And I earnestly tried to learn about living a Christian life. That's when it started to get difficult. The more I understood about living a Christian life, the harder it became. And then I was very, very bad. I got pregnant. And boy did I feel judged. And I know I was. But I still went to church for a while. Then all of a sudden, Kevin (the convert that was part of the party that "helped" me) got up one Sunday and told the church that he discovered recently that he had not really been saved. And that he just recently totally committed himself to Christ. So I began to question my salvation once again and thought, how does one ever really know? And I started seeing a lot of hypocrisy in the people of the church. And I felt judged. And I guess I preferred being the sinner that I was rather than trying to live a life that I didn't feel I could live. So I stopped going.
So since then I've continued to pray from time to time. I've continued to believe in God. I started to think that I didn't need religion to be spiritual. I wondered why we had so many different kinds of religions and how would you know which one was right. And if they were all right in their own way. I also felt that if I were going to get involved with a church again that God would speak to me and I'd be guided by the Holy Spirit.
So now I've got an interest in it. And I'm trying to understand the different parts of Christianity. What it's all about really. And what the difference between the protestant denominations are. And what Catholicism is. And so far it's been interesting. And a little frightening.
I'm starting to think that maybe I am going to be called to get involved in church again. And perhaps even become Catholic. And what scares me is once again living that Christian life that I found so difficult before. I worry that in doing so, I'll lose part of my identity. That I have to give up part of me to be a part of Christ. That I have to really change. Not that change is bad, but I kind of like who I am at this point. And knowing me the way I do, if I do decide to jump into it all again, I'll go at it full force. With all my heart. And maybe that would allow me to be able to deal with it better. But at this point I'm still just seeking knowledge.
So those things have been on my mind lately. I was thinking about it in the car today on my way home from my dance workout class. And all of a sudden I saw a rainbow. A perfect rainbow. Every single color distinguished and vibrant. In a perfect arch. A spectacular, beautiful sight.
Do I take that as a sign?
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Can Romance be Learned?
That's a valid question I think. Is it possible for a non-romantic person to become romantic? Or is romance just a trait that some people have and others don't? I was born with a romance gene. It is innate in my character. I'm a true blue romantic. I don't care for total sappiness, but a little romance here and there is necessary for me. I'm the type of person that does romantic gestures because I genuinely love someone and want to make them happy, put a smile on their face, make them feel special, and make them feel loved. I also hope that sometimes my partner takes it as a cue to reciprocrate once in a while. It doesn't necessarily need to be an equal amount. I understand that men in general don't have the romance gene. Most don't understand romance. There are a few exceptions, but it's not quite the norm. I've experienced a variety of romance during my dating tenure. There was the guy that I met via the personals that sent me roses before I even met him. Of course this is the same guy that ended up dumping me by just not calling for two months. I've received my share of flowers throughout the years. But it's rare that they ever come as a surprise. And men don't get that. They shouldn't be sent only when they're in the doghouse. I prefer the out of the blue, just becuase they were thinking of me reason. And romance isn't all about sending flowers and buying gifts. Sometimes it's the simplest of things. A note, a card, a special way of saying "I love you." It can even be as simple as doing the dishes without asking. It's really anything that goes a little above the same old stuff and is done just because you realize that your partner would appreciate it, be surprised by it, love it, and realize how special they are to you. But it does take effort. I think it's a matter of prioritizing and keeping your partner in the forefront of your thoughts. Yes, life happens and it's sometimes hard to remember, but there should be times every now then where you think "What can I do to make my partner feel special today?" Maybe it's because they're blue or maybe it's just because you love them so very much. Romance and dating isn't something that should happen just before marriage and shouldn't stop the moment you say "I do." But it does need to happen. At least for me it does.
Is it something that can be learned? I hope so.
Is it something that can be learned? I hope so.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Participation Positives
Found this on this site.
participation positives... a way to start monday
The idea is to write down positives to start the week on a good note. So here goes:
I'm in love. Have a wonderful boyfriend.
I actually slept through the night last night and got to sleep in this morning.
Got a call from one of the elementaries of an account I needed to renew and got it taken care of.
Went to my dance workout and got through it again.
Am reading another book on Catholicism and enjoying it.
Got two more books on religion that I ordered in the mail today.
It's less than three weeks until I fly to Connecticut.
Pam is taking me out for drinks this weekend because she got her rebate check in the mail.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Weekly Bit
Here's the link if you want to do this meme.
A Bit About 'First Times & First Loves'...for the week of September 26.2004
1. Describe your first kiss. It was nice. It was with M.S. in front of the house I'm living in now actually. (It was my aunt's house at the time) He had just walked me back home after going to a special concert featuring the WT symphonic band. We were in 8th grade and I thought I was the last girl to be kissed. The kiss itself was pretty good I guess. It wasn't sloppy and it did include tongue. Made me think that kissing was definitely o.k.
2. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? M.S. officially. I had another bf in 2nd grade, but I don't think that counts.
3. When was your heart first broken? Gee, that's tough. I thought for the longest time that B.C. broke my heart, but that's just because I was in love with him and he didn't feel the same way. First time I guess would be Tony in college. He broke up with me and I wasn't sure why. It hurt at the time. And since then my heart has been broken numerous times. And I know I've broken a few hearts.
4. When was the first time you fell in love? I thought I was in love with B.C. in 8th grade, but I think my first love was Tony in college.
5. What was your first real date like? I don't think I remember my first real date. What constitutes a real date anyways? It could have been in 9th grade when I went to the movies with Bret. It could have been in 8th grade when I went to a church thing with M.S. It might have been in college when I dated David. The first time a guy actually ever called me up and asked me out was when Marty asked me to homecoming my senior year... the night before.
an extra bit...write about this quote..."For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." -Judy Garland
That's exactly how Marty affected me and why I fell for him. Though it came almost out of the blue, it was my heart and soul that was touched. Not just a good "feeling" but the "knowing" that it was just right. And I couldn't help it. I fell very hard and he caught me. And I'm not going to let go.
A Bit About 'First Times & First Loves'...for the week of September 26.2004
1. Describe your first kiss. It was nice. It was with M.S. in front of the house I'm living in now actually. (It was my aunt's house at the time) He had just walked me back home after going to a special concert featuring the WT symphonic band. We were in 8th grade and I thought I was the last girl to be kissed. The kiss itself was pretty good I guess. It wasn't sloppy and it did include tongue. Made me think that kissing was definitely o.k.
2. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? M.S. officially. I had another bf in 2nd grade, but I don't think that counts.
3. When was your heart first broken? Gee, that's tough. I thought for the longest time that B.C. broke my heart, but that's just because I was in love with him and he didn't feel the same way. First time I guess would be Tony in college. He broke up with me and I wasn't sure why. It hurt at the time. And since then my heart has been broken numerous times. And I know I've broken a few hearts.
4. When was the first time you fell in love? I thought I was in love with B.C. in 8th grade, but I think my first love was Tony in college.
5. What was your first real date like? I don't think I remember my first real date. What constitutes a real date anyways? It could have been in 9th grade when I went to the movies with Bret. It could have been in 8th grade when I went to a church thing with M.S. It might have been in college when I dated David. The first time a guy actually ever called me up and asked me out was when Marty asked me to homecoming my senior year... the night before.
an extra bit...write about this quote..."For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." -Judy Garland
That's exactly how Marty affected me and why I fell for him. Though it came almost out of the blue, it was my heart and soul that was touched. Not just a good "feeling" but the "knowing" that it was just right. And I couldn't help it. I fell very hard and he caught me. And I'm not going to let go.
How Much am I Worth?
You are worth exactly: $1,813,658.00.
Average value for a female is $1,637,901.00
Well, at least I'm above average.
Here's the link if you want to find out how much you're worth.
Average value for a female is $1,637,901.00
Well, at least I'm above average.
Here's the link if you want to find out how much you're worth.
Sunday Brunch
Flowers
"Arranging a bowl of flowers in the morning can give a sense of quiet in a crowded day - like writing a poem, or saying a prayer." -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
1) If you had a wedding, what flowers did you have at your wedding? I did all my own flowers at the wedding. (Hobby Lobby had them 50% off). My bouquet was white poinsettias with a mix of blue roses and other white flowers. Was very pretty if I say so myself.
2) What is your favorite flower? I like roses because they smell wonderful. But I also like a mixed boquet of different flowers and colors from time to time.
3) Do you have flowers as part of your landscaping outside or your interior decor? Not really. I'd like to plant flowers some time, but I never seem to be able to find it. Hopefully next spring I plan to clear out this space next to my driveway and another in front of the house where my aunt used to have flowers planted (when she lived here) and I'm going to try my green thumb again. Inside, I don't have much except for a wall hanging thing my aunt made for me and a display in the living room. Sometimes when I'm at Walmart, I buy myself a bouquet just because.
4) If you went to your high school prom(s), what kind of flower did you wear in your corsage or boutonniere? My date (the one that dumped me the day after... no, I'm not still bitter..) gave me an orchid to wear at my prom.
5) Do you like to receive flowers as a gift or do you think it is a waste of money? I love to receive flowers. Especially if it's a surprise and it's not because my significant other is in the doghouse. It's nice to get them just because or to be cheered up. I don't think it's a waste of money if it comes from the heart and not from guilt. By the way... Marty has yet to send me flowers. Hmmmmm.
"Arranging a bowl of flowers in the morning can give a sense of quiet in a crowded day - like writing a poem, or saying a prayer." -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
1) If you had a wedding, what flowers did you have at your wedding? I did all my own flowers at the wedding. (Hobby Lobby had them 50% off). My bouquet was white poinsettias with a mix of blue roses and other white flowers. Was very pretty if I say so myself.
2) What is your favorite flower? I like roses because they smell wonderful. But I also like a mixed boquet of different flowers and colors from time to time.
3) Do you have flowers as part of your landscaping outside or your interior decor? Not really. I'd like to plant flowers some time, but I never seem to be able to find it. Hopefully next spring I plan to clear out this space next to my driveway and another in front of the house where my aunt used to have flowers planted (when she lived here) and I'm going to try my green thumb again. Inside, I don't have much except for a wall hanging thing my aunt made for me and a display in the living room. Sometimes when I'm at Walmart, I buy myself a bouquet just because.
4) If you went to your high school prom(s), what kind of flower did you wear in your corsage or boutonniere? My date (the one that dumped me the day after... no, I'm not still bitter..) gave me an orchid to wear at my prom.
5) Do you like to receive flowers as a gift or do you think it is a waste of money? I love to receive flowers. Especially if it's a surprise and it's not because my significant other is in the doghouse. It's nice to get them just because or to be cheered up. I don't think it's a waste of money if it comes from the heart and not from guilt. By the way... Marty has yet to send me flowers. Hmmmmm.
New State Mottos
I stole this, but thought it was very funny.
So, where are you from?
According to Area 51, here are the new USA state mottos:
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our taxes are less Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: UFO Spotting For 50 years
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared
So, where are you from?
According to Area 51, here are the new USA state mottos:
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our taxes are less Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: UFO Spotting For 50 years
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared
Second Guessing
In response to my journal about irrational fears:
At 11:37 PM, Anonymous said...
Hmmm... I swing back and forth between agreeing that our fears are irrational and we should become stronger in oursrelves and blah, blah...
And thinking that the fears come from some place of truth that we don't or can't admit to.
Let me know if you find the answer, will ya?
Diana
Seeking Clarity
At 9:09 AM, summer said...
Hmmmm. Your post sounds like a letter to Ann Landers and you know what she would say. I want to ask you how old his children are and if he has "legal" visitation times and has he said no to her before and has she kept the children from him because of it? I don't think your fear is irrational. It's well founded and not because of your past relationships, but because he continues his relationship with his ex wife. Socializing with her just seems way over the top to me.
I wonder if perhaps my fears aren't completely irrational after all. Part of me has always thought of myself as very intuitive person and very accurate in my feelings. I know that in the past that when I've felt as though something was "off" I've usually been right on. Sometimes I don't always find out that I'm correct right away, but in general I have to say that in some ways I always know that something isn't quite right.
Maybe it's just the distance thing. Since I'm not there seeing exactly what's going on. Problem is that I have a very active imagination. And it's not that I imagine the very worst. But I see Marty and his ex together with his girls in my mind and it's like they're still a family and that's bothersome. I know his ex already has another boyfriend and Marty has me, but it doesn't make me feel more at ease. Maybe when Marty can transfer and be away from her, things will change and I'll feel more comfortable about it. Problem is that thinking that something will change something else isn't always the best thing. I thought if I married Richard that I will feel more confident about him. It didn't work.
But don't get me wrong in all of this. I'm not really second guessing my relationship with Marty. I still want to be with him very much. I do feel that he loves me very much and I love him with all my heart. I guess I just realize that perhaps it's not all completely in my head. Maybe there's a reason for my uneasiness. Maybe it's really nothing. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe not.
But what can I do? Nothing. I'm not going to make demands on Marty. It's not my place. If we were married, I might lay down some ground rules, but we're not. Marty knows about my feelings. I've told him and he reads my journal occasionally. He's started to make an effort to not do as much with her. It's up to him what he's going to do about it. I can't make him feel differently about her. It's admirable that he's not bitter towards her. And a little unsettling.
So it's out there and the ball is in his court. If my fears become more founded, I'll deal with it as necessary. For now I'm going to try to let it go. My feelings about it haven't dissappeared, mind you. I just need to put them on the shelf for now.
At 11:37 PM, Anonymous said...
Hmmm... I swing back and forth between agreeing that our fears are irrational and we should become stronger in oursrelves and blah, blah...
And thinking that the fears come from some place of truth that we don't or can't admit to.
Let me know if you find the answer, will ya?
Diana
Seeking Clarity
At 9:09 AM, summer said...
Hmmmm. Your post sounds like a letter to Ann Landers and you know what she would say. I want to ask you how old his children are and if he has "legal" visitation times and has he said no to her before and has she kept the children from him because of it? I don't think your fear is irrational. It's well founded and not because of your past relationships, but because he continues his relationship with his ex wife. Socializing with her just seems way over the top to me.
I wonder if perhaps my fears aren't completely irrational after all. Part of me has always thought of myself as very intuitive person and very accurate in my feelings. I know that in the past that when I've felt as though something was "off" I've usually been right on. Sometimes I don't always find out that I'm correct right away, but in general I have to say that in some ways I always know that something isn't quite right.
Maybe it's just the distance thing. Since I'm not there seeing exactly what's going on. Problem is that I have a very active imagination. And it's not that I imagine the very worst. But I see Marty and his ex together with his girls in my mind and it's like they're still a family and that's bothersome. I know his ex already has another boyfriend and Marty has me, but it doesn't make me feel more at ease. Maybe when Marty can transfer and be away from her, things will change and I'll feel more comfortable about it. Problem is that thinking that something will change something else isn't always the best thing. I thought if I married Richard that I will feel more confident about him. It didn't work.
But don't get me wrong in all of this. I'm not really second guessing my relationship with Marty. I still want to be with him very much. I do feel that he loves me very much and I love him with all my heart. I guess I just realize that perhaps it's not all completely in my head. Maybe there's a reason for my uneasiness. Maybe it's really nothing. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe not.
But what can I do? Nothing. I'm not going to make demands on Marty. It's not my place. If we were married, I might lay down some ground rules, but we're not. Marty knows about my feelings. I've told him and he reads my journal occasionally. He's started to make an effort to not do as much with her. It's up to him what he's going to do about it. I can't make him feel differently about her. It's admirable that he's not bitter towards her. And a little unsettling.
So it's out there and the ball is in his court. If my fears become more founded, I'll deal with it as necessary. For now I'm going to try to let it go. My feelings about it haven't dissappeared, mind you. I just need to put them on the shelf for now.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
I'm getting good
Ok, now I've added interesting websites to my page. I'll add more as I find them.
The Found Magazine is truly an interesting site. Check it out if you have some time.
The Found Magazine is truly an interesting site. Check it out if you have some time.
Check out the new blog links
Thanks to Patrick, I'm able to post new links on my page to other blogs that I read. I've added a few and if you get a chance, check them out.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Insurance Woes
For about a year now, I've been without health insurance. I guess I'm taking a gamble. So far Josh and I have been lucky and have not had any medical issues. But I know I need to get some insurance soon. Because my boss is an independent sales rep, my job doesn't have insurance. When I was teaching, I had really good insurance. And when I was married, I had good insurance. Now I'm pretty limited on what I can get being an average individual person. So far it looks like I can only get insurance with some kind of deductible, possibly a co-pay anywhere from $25-45, plus it doesn't cover preventive care, and after the co-pay it will only pay 80% up to $10,000. So worst case scenario if something tragic happens, I still have to pay almost $3000 depending on the deductible amount. This includes a monthly premium of about $300 or more.
So as long as my health is relatively good, I can go to a doctor for basic sickness, but any kind of tests etc, are going to be subject to the deductible. So this means if I want to have a yearly OB-GYN checkup, I have to pay for it. And that's something that I feel is necessary given the genes in my family. Both my mother and sister had a hysterectomy. I figure for me it's just a matter of time. And if I don't go ahead and get covered, that's when I'll need it.
If I want to take a bigger risk and have a lower monthly premium and get insurance to cover only something major, I could do that. But that would not cover any basic physician visits. It only covers hospitalization or treatment for a major illness. But it would cost a lot more out of my pocket if something happens.
And then when you look at all the plans between different types of coverage and different companies, it just makes your head spin.
I could quit my job and go back to teaching and be completely miserable.
I could marry Marty and be under his insurance. But that's not a reason to get married. Though I do love him and would marry him for love.
As bad as things were being on welfare when I was pregnant, at least my medical expenses were covered.
And now I make too much money for that. It sure doesn't pay to have a good job sometimes.
And on top of all this, I'm still going to need to pay for Josh to have some counseling.
Being an adult sucks.
So as long as my health is relatively good, I can go to a doctor for basic sickness, but any kind of tests etc, are going to be subject to the deductible. So this means if I want to have a yearly OB-GYN checkup, I have to pay for it. And that's something that I feel is necessary given the genes in my family. Both my mother and sister had a hysterectomy. I figure for me it's just a matter of time. And if I don't go ahead and get covered, that's when I'll need it.
If I want to take a bigger risk and have a lower monthly premium and get insurance to cover only something major, I could do that. But that would not cover any basic physician visits. It only covers hospitalization or treatment for a major illness. But it would cost a lot more out of my pocket if something happens.
And then when you look at all the plans between different types of coverage and different companies, it just makes your head spin.
I could quit my job and go back to teaching and be completely miserable.
I could marry Marty and be under his insurance. But that's not a reason to get married. Though I do love him and would marry him for love.
As bad as things were being on welfare when I was pregnant, at least my medical expenses were covered.
And now I make too much money for that. It sure doesn't pay to have a good job sometimes.
And on top of all this, I'm still going to need to pay for Josh to have some counseling.
Being an adult sucks.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Irrational Fears
Why is it that past relationship failures continue to haunt? I know that Marty loves me. I know that with all my heart. And I know that there's no romantic tie with him and his ex. At least on his part. But they're still close and that's bothersome. I guess it's hard for me to comprehend that. Though I've always had pretty decent, clean breakups where I've remained friends with my ex-boyfriends etc, I've not had it where I would still spend time doing things with them and remain really close. There's enough emotional upset to keep that at a distance. And perhaps Marty is just too nice of a guy. I can understand remaining on friendly terms for the sake of the kids and just to keep things nice, but for me, I would have to draw the line somewhere. I know she's been using his kindness and he's allowed her to do so. I know that lately he's trying to break that by not going over there so much. But they still do a lot together. He took her the doctor. They went to a mutual friend's house for dinner and let the girls play with other kids. He goes over there for dinner. They play pool on a team every Wednesday. And I know that Marty is so nice, he has a hard time saying no. He has the fear that his ex will try to keep the girls away from him if he starts saying "no" too much. I don't know his ex, but from the sound of it, she might do something like that just to be spiteful. And that type of women really pisses me off. I've been spiteful and vindictive, but not when it comes to my child. It just seems that in a lot of ways, his ex still has Marty tied around her little finger and I have a hard time sharing like that.
Marty said tonight that I'm treating him like he's like Richard. I don't mean to. I do trust him, but I'm still uneasy about the tie with his ex. I can't help it. And yes, I think that I'm still affected by my past. I trust Marty probably more than any other man. I don't trust his ex. I don't like the situation. And being 1500 miles away makes it all the more difficult. And it's completely irrational and I know that too. But it doesn't make it any easier.
And there's nothing that can be done. I can't make demands on him because of my silly fears. And I don't even know what that fear really is. Do I think Marty is going to go back to his ex? Not at all. Then why does it still bother me? So I guess I just have to "get over it". Perhaps when I visit next month and I meet the ex I can put some of the fears behind me. I just hope it doesn't raise any more.
Can anyone explain to me why women have irrational fears?
Marty said tonight that I'm treating him like he's like Richard. I don't mean to. I do trust him, but I'm still uneasy about the tie with his ex. I can't help it. And yes, I think that I'm still affected by my past. I trust Marty probably more than any other man. I don't trust his ex. I don't like the situation. And being 1500 miles away makes it all the more difficult. And it's completely irrational and I know that too. But it doesn't make it any easier.
And there's nothing that can be done. I can't make demands on him because of my silly fears. And I don't even know what that fear really is. Do I think Marty is going to go back to his ex? Not at all. Then why does it still bother me? So I guess I just have to "get over it". Perhaps when I visit next month and I meet the ex I can put some of the fears behind me. I just hope it doesn't raise any more.
Can anyone explain to me why women have irrational fears?
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Free Association
Ok, here's an interesting thing found here. Free association... you know where someone says a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind. I wonder what this says about me.
- Pointless:: Hopeless
- Sadistic:: Evil
- Bunny:: Rabbit
- Betrayal:: Richard
- Oliver:: Stone
- Star Wars:: Return of the Jedi
- Let it ride:: Rollercoaster
- Ray of light:: Sun
- Tight:: Wad
- Gadget:: Fix
Sunday Seven
O.k. Sunday Brunch is on hold right now so I had to find another meme to do today.
1. Do you bag groceries in paper or plastic? Plastic usually, except when Josh needs a book cover.
2. What CD is in your CD player at this moment? Nothing. I turned off the CD in my car since the speaker keeps making funky sounds. Last time is was Garth Brooks though.
3. What is your favorite Orlando Bloom movie? Pirates of the Caribbean
4. How many shot glasses do you own? O.k. I had to count on this because I collect shot glasses. Right now I own approximately 43 shot glasses.
5. Do you read the Bible and how often? I have before, but not lately. I'm thinking of reading it again. I did just finish a book on Catholicism though. Was interesting.
6. Are you ready for the school year to begin? It's already 6 weeks into the year, but no I wasn't ready for it. It means I have to go back to work.
7. What class(es) are you dreading this year? I guess this doesn't really apply to me. The only class I'm taking is my dance workout and though I dread the soreness, I'm still looking forward to going and hopefully losing more weight.
1. Do you bag groceries in paper or plastic? Plastic usually, except when Josh needs a book cover.
2. What CD is in your CD player at this moment? Nothing. I turned off the CD in my car since the speaker keeps making funky sounds. Last time is was Garth Brooks though.
3. What is your favorite Orlando Bloom movie? Pirates of the Caribbean
4. How many shot glasses do you own? O.k. I had to count on this because I collect shot glasses. Right now I own approximately 43 shot glasses.
5. Do you read the Bible and how often? I have before, but not lately. I'm thinking of reading it again. I did just finish a book on Catholicism though. Was interesting.
6. Are you ready for the school year to begin? It's already 6 weeks into the year, but no I wasn't ready for it. It means I have to go back to work.
7. What class(es) are you dreading this year? I guess this doesn't really apply to me. The only class I'm taking is my dance workout and though I dread the soreness, I'm still looking forward to going and hopefully losing more weight.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
About Me
***Updated on 7/31/14
Who I AmName: Annabel Lee (Jennifer)
Date of birth: November 1969
Height: 5' 4”
Weight: 195# unfortunately
Ethnicity: Caucasian with German, English, Irish, and Indian
(Heinz 57 variety)
Hair: Dark Brown with some gray strands
Eyes: Hazel
Eyesight: Bad, very bad...
City of rearing: Amarillo, Texas
Sexual orientation: Hetero
Religion: Catholic
Significant other: Matt (husband)
Kids: One son, Josh
Drinking: Socially and sometimes have a glass of wine or a beer at home.
Drugs: Only twice. Unless you count Tylenol.
Smoking: briefly in 6th grade. It’s offensive now.
Busy social nights: Going to dinner, maybe a movie.
Started blogging: May 2004
Family: Dad, Jim. Sister Paula and Brother Tim.
Aunt Barb among others.
Occupation: Middle School Librarian
Previous occupations: High School Teacher, Yearbook Associate; Junior High Teacher.
Software platform: Windows 7
Machine: Dell Studio 15 Laptop
Goal: To find meaning in my life, to discover and do God's will, and be happy.
What I Did
Education: Bachelor of Science in Education, May 1995; Master's in Library Science, May 2011
High school: Canyon High School
Major: Speech and English Education; Library Science
Fraternity: Tau Beta Sigma (Band Sorority)
What I Like
Hobbies: Reading, music, watching t.v., games,
riding rollercoasters, collecting Marvin the Martian items
Favorite foods: Spaghetti, Fettucini Alfredo, Steak, Salad, Cheesecake
All-time favorite TV series: Columbo
Current favorite TV series: Monk, House Hunters, Psych
Favorite movie: Titanic
All-time favorite bands: Olivia Newton John, Journey,
Chicago, Huey Lewis and the News, Garth Brooks
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Interesting
Borrowed from this blog and test is on this site.
Guess I don't need the anti-depressants and getting rid of my ex is what has helped!
Thank you for taking time to complete the tests. Your results are displayed below: =======================================
Success Test Score: 3
3 is a perfect score.If you scored anything under 5 points you're basically OK.Between 5 and 10 points you're moderately at risk for self-sabotaging behavior.Between 10 and 16 points you have a problem - Get some help.
=======================================
Depression Score: 24
If your total score is greater than 30 you need to seek (psychological) help! =======================================
Optimism Score: 15
The range is from 0 to 24, from extreme pessimism to extreme optimism, with virtual neutrality being the midpoint, 12. Most people who have taken the test are slightly optimistic, Carver said. For instance, among 2,000 college students, the average score was 14, with two-thirds scoring between 10 and 18.
A group of 159 patients awaiting coronary artery bypass surgery had an average score of 15, possibly suggesting that a serious challenge may boost one's optimism a bit.
"People tend to run a little toward the optimistic end of the dimension, but not by a whole lot," Carver said. "Also, people tend to the moderate in their self-descriptions. Not many are saying they are enormously optimistic or pessimistic."
=======================================
Guess I don't need the anti-depressants and getting rid of my ex is what has helped!
Thank you for taking time to complete the tests. Your results are displayed below: =======================================
Success Test Score: 3
3 is a perfect score.If you scored anything under 5 points you're basically OK.Between 5 and 10 points you're moderately at risk for self-sabotaging behavior.Between 10 and 16 points you have a problem - Get some help.
=======================================
Depression Score: 24
If your total score is greater than 30 you need to seek (psychological) help! =======================================
Optimism Score: 15
The range is from 0 to 24, from extreme pessimism to extreme optimism, with virtual neutrality being the midpoint, 12. Most people who have taken the test are slightly optimistic, Carver said. For instance, among 2,000 college students, the average score was 14, with two-thirds scoring between 10 and 18.
A group of 159 patients awaiting coronary artery bypass surgery had an average score of 15, possibly suggesting that a serious challenge may boost one's optimism a bit.
"People tend to run a little toward the optimistic end of the dimension, but not by a whole lot," Carver said. "Also, people tend to the moderate in their self-descriptions. Not many are saying they are enormously optimistic or pessimistic."
=======================================
My Blogger Personalilty
You are an ISTP!
-->
As an ISTP, you are Intraverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving.This makes your primary focus on Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Sensing
This is defined as a SP personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Artisans (Sensation Seeking) type, and more specifically the Crafters or Mechanics.
Because of your desire for action and independance, you will change the format of blogging or design frequently to keep it interesting and different. Your loyalty may have you reading the same blogs over a long period of time. Even though you could be easily bored with blogging, you might find that because you like following a project through, this is a good way for you to use your alone time to sort the facts you pick up through the day.
-->
As an ISTP, you are Intraverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving.This makes your primary focus on Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Sensing
This is defined as a SP personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Artisans (Sensation Seeking) type, and more specifically the Crafters or Mechanics.
Because of your desire for action and independance, you will change the format of blogging or design frequently to keep it interesting and different. Your loyalty may have you reading the same blogs over a long period of time. Even though you could be easily bored with blogging, you might find that because you like following a project through, this is a good way for you to use your alone time to sort the facts you pick up through the day.
Hope on the Horizon
Got a call from Marty. He's checking out available positions that will be open next summer. There's a position that will be available near Boise City, OK. This is only about 2 hours from where I am. That would be quite wonderful if it comes to fruition. I hate to get my hopes up about it, but it's the absolute closest he could get and it's a position that's going to be available. So if you believe in the power of prayer, I ask that you say a little one in hopes that this can happen. I was feeling a bit down yesterday thinking about the fact that I was going to have to wait 6 years to really be with him. Especially if he's still in a place that's 12 hours away or more. But being 2 hours away would mean that he'd most likely be here on his days off and we could have some semblance of a normal relationship. I know I can't count on it and I can't expect it, but I definitely have hope for it. I think if it's meant to be, it will happen. And if not, we'll deal with it. At least today there's a little bit brighter light shining.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
What's the catch?
I've been pondering the state of life these days. Things in general have been really good as of late and that makes me wonder what the catch is? Is it simply having to deal with a long distance relationship? It's hard to fathom life going well... like having someone special in it, being able to pay bills, have a pretty good roof over my head, a few good friends etc. It just seems that I've never really experienced a content kind of life. It seems that I've always struggled with "stuff". Having Josh in college, getting through college, dealing with my love-life, being married to an ass, financial issues, getting divorced, my family... blah, blah, blah. Is it o.k. to have a content life without some kind of crisis or is this just the calm before the storm?
Marty called with potentially good news yesterday. Of course I hate to get my hopes up, but there is a little spark. He was supposed to be in Connecticut for another 2 years, but it turns out that his position is being cancelled and he's going to have to transfer possibly next summer. Where he'll end up is not certain yet, but it won't be on the East coast and not likely on a ship. He's hoping to get on the Gulf of Texas or perhaps Louisiana which would make travel for us a lot easier... maybe. Right now it's also making things difficult. Because of these changes, he can't be certain that he'll get to come to Albuquerque in Dec. which I was kind of counting on. It's very frustrating. Despite that, I guess life is still good. But the long-distance thing is still hard.
I wanted to go see Marty at Thanksgiving and take Josh with me. And the price on flights have gone down again... but finances are tight enough that I don't think I can swing it right now. I could go by myself, but then Josh would have to stay in Albuquerque. Or I could go to Vegas. Mmmmmm.... very tempting. Wonder if I would have to go alone? But I've been there alone. It's not so much fun by yourself. Or I guess I could just go shopping.
Marty called with potentially good news yesterday. Of course I hate to get my hopes up, but there is a little spark. He was supposed to be in Connecticut for another 2 years, but it turns out that his position is being cancelled and he's going to have to transfer possibly next summer. Where he'll end up is not certain yet, but it won't be on the East coast and not likely on a ship. He's hoping to get on the Gulf of Texas or perhaps Louisiana which would make travel for us a lot easier... maybe. Right now it's also making things difficult. Because of these changes, he can't be certain that he'll get to come to Albuquerque in Dec. which I was kind of counting on. It's very frustrating. Despite that, I guess life is still good. But the long-distance thing is still hard.
I wanted to go see Marty at Thanksgiving and take Josh with me. And the price on flights have gone down again... but finances are tight enough that I don't think I can swing it right now. I could go by myself, but then Josh would have to stay in Albuquerque. Or I could go to Vegas. Mmmmmm.... very tempting. Wonder if I would have to go alone? But I've been there alone. It's not so much fun by yourself. Or I guess I could just go shopping.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
My Goals
O.k. I thought I'd give this a try. Going to post some goals on here and will report how I'm doing on them as the months and weeks go by.
Within the next month, I plan to:
Visit all my accounts.
Find health insurance.
Either have a garage sale or have the stuff in my garage picked up.
Go to my workout class EVERY Monday & Thursday.
By the end of the year, I plan to:
Lose 10 more pounds.
Have all my small debts paid off.
As I think of more, I'll add them.
Within the next month, I plan to:
Visit all my accounts.
Find health insurance.
Either have a garage sale or have the stuff in my garage picked up.
Go to my workout class EVERY Monday & Thursday.
By the end of the year, I plan to:
Lose 10 more pounds.
Have all my small debts paid off.
As I think of more, I'll add them.
It's Sunday
It's Sunday. I used to have a Sunday tradition of reading the paper. I would get the paper and read it (Well, skim most of it) in a certain order. And nobody could have any section until I was finished with it. And damn anyone that tried to read over my shoulder. It used to drive my ex and Josh crazy, but they finally got the hang of it. Josh would just ask if I'd read the comics yet rather than could he have them. I don't know why I was so particular about this. I guess it just became my routine and I didn't want to change. Now I don't have a subscription. I had to get rid of it when I was leaving Richard. (You know cutting expenses and all) I guess now I could get another subscription and get back into my Sunday ritual.
Today I slept in again. And now I'm sitting in bed with the computer reading blogs and avoiding any kind of housework. I wish I had a maid. Probably won't happen in this lifetime, but it's a nice thought to have someone going around picking up after me. But knowing me the way I do, If I did have a housekeeper of sorts, I pick up the house before she came so I wouldn't be so embarrassed by it. I know it's weird. It's also weird how when we have a tornado warning or something, I clean the house. It's not necessarily logical reasoning, but I figure if it's going to get destroyed, it will be less messy if everything is put where it belongs to begin with. Yes, I know, it doesn't make sense. But at least I get the house clean. I used to clean when I was angry too. That hasn't happened since Richard left. (Amazingly) But when we'd have a fight (sometimes about cleaning) that's what I'd do. But it would be the loud kind of cleaning where you bang pots and pans, slam cabinet doors etc. And now I just have to clean for the sake of cleaning. And I hate it. But I'll probably do it to avoid doing work to get ready for next week. (Yes, I'm a procrastinator too)
Today I slept in again. And now I'm sitting in bed with the computer reading blogs and avoiding any kind of housework. I wish I had a maid. Probably won't happen in this lifetime, but it's a nice thought to have someone going around picking up after me. But knowing me the way I do, If I did have a housekeeper of sorts, I pick up the house before she came so I wouldn't be so embarrassed by it. I know it's weird. It's also weird how when we have a tornado warning or something, I clean the house. It's not necessarily logical reasoning, but I figure if it's going to get destroyed, it will be less messy if everything is put where it belongs to begin with. Yes, I know, it doesn't make sense. But at least I get the house clean. I used to clean when I was angry too. That hasn't happened since Richard left. (Amazingly) But when we'd have a fight (sometimes about cleaning) that's what I'd do. But it would be the loud kind of cleaning where you bang pots and pans, slam cabinet doors etc. And now I just have to clean for the sake of cleaning. And I hate it. But I'll probably do it to avoid doing work to get ready for next week. (Yes, I'm a procrastinator too)
Saturday, September 11, 2004
A Blah Kind of Day
It's been one of those uneventful blah kind of days. I didn't do a damn thing today. I slept late. Got up. Got on the computer. Watched T.V. Read my book. Made lunch. Did more of the same. Took a nap. The house is a mess and I've accomplished nothing today. My friend P called and wanted to go out for drinks and stuff. I kind of want to go and I kind of don't. I finally took a shower thinking that it would wake me up and make me feel like being productive. It didn't. I got a headache instead. So I took 3 tylenol and sat in the bed and turned on the t.v. Then my aunt Barb called. She had great news. She's finally getting a brand new car for probably the first time in her life. She's getting a brand new yellow volkswagon. (Her favorite color and car) She's very excited. Now I'm sitting here debating whether to go out tonight. That would mean I have to get dressed, do my hair, put on makeup etc. Do I really want to go to the trouble or just sit her in bed? But my friend seems to be needing a girls night out, so I guess I should go out.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Family Matters or Not
My aunt has cancer. Breast cancer to be exact. This is the crazy aunt that I was payee for. The one the for whatever reason is mad at me and now doesn't want anything to do with me. I think for some reason, she blames me for her stint at the state hospital. (Which was her own doing by changing her medication and going off the deep end) I was quite relieved to not be her payee any more except for the horrible way she went about deciding that. (Clearing out her bank account before checks had cleared) But that was taken care of and now it's not my problem any more. But she's still holding a grudge. And now she has serious medical issues and she's completely abandoned the family she has here locally. She has informed her son, David, that she doesn't want me or my dad to know anything about her medical status. David did say today (before she told him not to) that her cancer had spread to her lymph nodes. That doesn't sound good. She had a full mastectomy today. But she's made her bed and she must now lie in it.
Problem is that I was going to try to reach out and be there for her. Send her flowers. Ask if I can do anything and then David tells me all the crap about her "wishes".
So it's a bit irritating. Part of me gets angry at the shallowness of it all and the fact that she makes things up in her mind about they way we supposedly "treat" her. It seems to me that if I were diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, I would reach out to my family and friends regardless of petty differences. But that's her deal and I must wash my hands of it. What bothers me is now that I'm reading the book on Catholicism, part of me wants to do what I guess would be the right thing and reach out and be forgiving and loving, but part of me is angry at the same time with the way she's acting. So I'm tormented once again. But I am finding the Catholic book very interesting and informative. It does raise a lot of questions, but it has answered many of them as well.
Problem is that I was going to try to reach out and be there for her. Send her flowers. Ask if I can do anything and then David tells me all the crap about her "wishes".
So it's a bit irritating. Part of me gets angry at the shallowness of it all and the fact that she makes things up in her mind about they way we supposedly "treat" her. It seems to me that if I were diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, I would reach out to my family and friends regardless of petty differences. But that's her deal and I must wash my hands of it. What bothers me is now that I'm reading the book on Catholicism, part of me wants to do what I guess would be the right thing and reach out and be forgiving and loving, but part of me is angry at the same time with the way she's acting. So I'm tormented once again. But I am finding the Catholic book very interesting and informative. It does raise a lot of questions, but it has answered many of them as well.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
The Reunion and Religion
Well, I made it through the big family reunion with Marty. He has a HUGE family. And I only saw a portion of them. But I did very well on remembering names. I didn't feel uncomfortable at it either. There were a few moments that he left me alone longer than he should have, but it wasn't too bad. At least I already knew his parents and siblings. (You have to understand that I'm still a little shy in big social situations) He seemed to think it was a pretty big deal that I went with him. It seems that his ex was intimitated by such a large family and would never go. He told me that he loved me even more for going to it. I didn't think it was a great sacrifice on my part. I was actually flattered that he had invited me to go before we had even gotten very serious. I would have been even hurt had I not been invited to go. His family was very nice and he tells me that they all like me. He kept acting like they were a bunch of weirdos and that I should be worried about getting involved with a family like his... but I had news for him... my family is very much more on the strange side than his. His were quite normal. The only thing about them is that they're all pretty much devoted Catholics... which isn't strange, just something that was interesting to witness. Since then we've talked about Marty's religious background. He's kind of in the same boat as me right now having a distaste for religion in general. But it's something that I think he's interested in looking into again. We went to Barnes and Noble last night. He bought himself a Catholic Bible. I got a book on understanding Catholicism. If nothing, it will be interesting to learn about it. I think that anything has got to be better than the Baptist upbringing I was involved in. (no offense to the Baptists out there) I just felt that too many of them were being judgmental of me and I saw a lot of hypocrisy.. which I know exists in probably every church. It just ended putting a sour taste in my mouth about it and for the past 13 years or so I haven't actively been involved in a church. Not that I think I should have been. I guess I'm still at a confused place where I believe in God and His mercy and grace, but I can't allow myself to live a hypocritical life. Perhaps I'm at a point now where I can look at another spiritual journey.
Talkin' about the "M" word
A lot of people would probably think something like this is too soon, but Marty and I have discussed the "M" word... you know.... marriage. It seems to have gone from an "if" to more of a "when". I know he wants to marry me. I want to marry him. I know he's the one. Part of me worries about the soonness of it all. (is that a word?) But then again, it's not really official. We've started looking at rings. And he still has to officially propose. It really boils down to a matter when the best time to do this would be. I don't plan to rush into it and it's going to need some planning given that I would prefer to go to Vegas and do it. But then again, these are decisions that don't need to be made until it is official anyways. It's all just on my mind at the moment. But I do feel right about it. I love Marty. I love his family. I feel comfortable with him and with his family. I know how much he loves me. And I'm sure of myself this time. With Richard, I was sure I wanted to be married, but deep down I knew he wasn't the right one. But it happened for a reason and things are where they're supposed to be now.
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