Second Guessing

In response to my journal about irrational fears:

At 11:37 PM, Anonymous said...
Hmmm... I swing back and forth between agreeing that our fears are irrational and we should become stronger in oursrelves and blah, blah...
And thinking that the fears come from some place of truth that we don't or can't admit to.
Let me know if you find the answer, will ya?
Diana
Seeking Clarity

At 9:09 AM, summer said...
Hmmmm. Your post sounds like a letter to Ann Landers and you know what she would say. I want to ask you how old his children are and if he has "legal" visitation times and has he said no to her before and has she kept the children from him because of it? I don't think your fear is irrational. It's well founded and not because of your past relationships, but because he continues his relationship with his ex wife. Socializing with her just seems way over the top to me.

I wonder if perhaps my fears aren't completely irrational after all. Part of me has always thought of myself as very intuitive person and very accurate in my feelings. I know that in the past that when I've felt as though something was "off" I've usually been right on. Sometimes I don't always find out that I'm correct right away, but in general I have to say that in some ways I always know that something isn't quite right.
Maybe it's just the distance thing. Since I'm not there seeing exactly what's going on. Problem is that I have a very active imagination. And it's not that I imagine the very worst. But I see Marty and his ex together with his girls in my mind and it's like they're still a family and that's bothersome. I know his ex already has another boyfriend and Marty has me, but it doesn't make me feel more at ease. Maybe when Marty can transfer and be away from her, things will change and I'll feel more comfortable about it. Problem is that thinking that something will change something else isn't always the best thing. I thought if I married Richard that I will feel more confident about him. It didn't work.
But don't get me wrong in all of this. I'm not really second guessing my relationship with Marty. I still want to be with him very much. I do feel that he loves me very much and I love him with all my heart. I guess I just realize that perhaps it's not all completely in my head. Maybe there's a reason for my uneasiness. Maybe it's really nothing. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe not.
But what can I do? Nothing. I'm not going to make demands on Marty. It's not my place. If we were married, I might lay down some ground rules, but we're not. Marty knows about my feelings. I've told him and he reads my journal occasionally. He's started to make an effort to not do as much with her. It's up to him what he's going to do about it. I can't make him feel differently about her. It's admirable that he's not bitter towards her. And a little unsettling.
So it's out there and the ball is in his court. If my fears become more founded, I'll deal with it as necessary. For now I'm going to try to let it go. My feelings about it haven't dissappeared, mind you. I just need to put them on the shelf for now.