It's Finished!

Pictured: William Asquith (my prom date), Kirsten Nelson (my best friend), Marty (My homecoming date), Me, Blaine Hufnagle, Brent Wilson, John Brewer. We were all in band together.
I had an amazing time at the reunion. I have to say it's probably one of the best times I've had. It was a huge success and I was on cloud nine most of the evening. It was a bit ironic really... Marty and another h.s. friend came over after the tour of the new high school to change for the banquet. After we were all ready to go I noted that I was going to be going to my 20 year high school reunion banquet with my homecoming date (Marty) and my prom date (William). We left around 4:45 so we could get there early to set up the computer equipment. I had a moment of panic when I couldn't find my Mac adapter. I was going to send the guys to best buy to get another one, but told them to check the other computer bag first. Thankfully it was in there. Then I couldn't figure out why the DVD wouldn't start at the beginning. I finally solved that problem. We seemed to get a late start on the banquet and the group picture took a while because nobody would listen. Then the food wasn't ready until 7:15. I went through the line first since I had to get the computer stuff ready.

We started the door prizes, elementary picture reveal and such around 8:00. I think the video was a success. The last song on it was "Friends are Friends Forever" by Michael W. Smith which seems to always make people cry... I didn't notice so much as we pushed ahead with the awards. I didn't win most eligible bachelorette, but I was an honorable mention. The dance didn't start until close to 10:00 and we originally intended to start it around 8:30. Oh well. I had a blast dancing and worked up a good sweat. Marty was supposed to be in charge of my alcohol intake, but I think he wanted me to get a little drunk. I didn't get plastered, but I did get a bit tipsy with four rum and cokes (spaced throughout several hours... but the last two were really strong).

My friend Kirsten asked if Marty and I were dating again. This is because we were being close and touchy (rubbing backs, standing close, whispering etc.). Marty said "No" but then I piped up saying that even though we weren't, he still had a crush on me. He then came back with "I can neither confirm nor deny that." His actions, however, were a bit more obvious. He didn't want to dance really, but I did get him out on the dance floor during "Shout". We stayed together pretty much all night and I'm sure there was quite a bit of whispering going on about it. The last song of the evening was a slow dance and we did dance to that. I have to say that I rather enjoyed that. Afterwards, Marty brought his truck around to the door by the banquet room and helped take all the stuff out there. We said a lot of good-byes to everyone. I got a lot of hugs and many more thank-yous from all sorts of people telling me that they appreciated all the work I did. I tried to remain humble about it and I hope I was successful. It did feel really good though. I can't tell you how exhausted I was once we finally got into his truck. He held my hand on the way back to Canyon and it wasn't that tingly, excited feeling that I would normally get, but it was a comfortable, right kind of feeling. It's like putting on that cozy pair of slippers that just makes you go ahhhhh.
We got home and took all the stuff into the house and then I went out to the truck to say good-bye as he still had to drive to Hereford to his brother's house. We hugged and he gave some kisses on my head. He then said, "You're right. I do still have feelings for you." I told him that it was o.k. and that I'm not in any rush and that if something happens, that's fine and if not, that's o.k. too. More hugs followed and a little more talk. I told him that I hadn't had a date in three years and he asked if I was waiting for some "asshole" to come around. I told him.. "could be." We had a brief kiss and then he made go in and told me to go to bed. He headed to Albuquerque today and is supposed to come back on Thursday. I may see him on Friday for lunch or dinner before he heads up to Connecticut to see his daughters.
So where is my head in all of this? I felt really, really happy after the evening and went to bed smiling. I saw my friend Carol at Church this morning and she said that I was glowing. Do I think we're going to get back together? I don't know. I have no expectations. What I would like is for us to open up some communication channels and just start talking again. I'd like to get back into the friendship we had before - unclouded by sex. I miss having him as a friend. We've stayed on friendly terms but it has always seemed to be stifled. I think we've both tip-toed around each other in fear of opening up a can of worms. I think he worries that I would get clingy and over-emotional if he showed interest. I worry that he thinks that I would be like that.
I don't know where we are headed - if anywhere. But regardless, everything will turn out like it is supposed to. He may still have feelings but he has a lot to consider because I'm not the same person that I was when we got together in 2004. I think ultimately that is a good thing, but in his eyes it may not be. And that's o.k. I am happy with who I am. Do I still have feelings for him? Certainly. There's always been something there even when I stopped being "in love" with him.
All I know is that regardless of whether I see him on Friday or not - if we start communicating again or not - if he goes back to Key West and returns to the state of only contacting me every 6 months or so - I will still be satisfied with the moment we had at the reunion. I don't know if it would be a mistake to pursue anything but I'm just going to go with what feels right and hope that after 38 years I start listening accurately to both my heart and head and make the right decisions. I think I'm at least on the right track.
Those of you that have been on the journey of Marty and me since the beginning may have some input and I welcome it all regardless of whether you're happy about the recent events or not.
Well, the sleeping pill that I took about an hour ago is finally taking its toll. I really need a good night's sleep that I haven't had in what seems like forever. Thanks for being my sounding board. I needed to get all this out in writing.