Procrastinating

I don't know why, but I've been procrastinating all weekend. I haven't done anything I've needed to do. I have a journal to complete for grad school today. I need to finish my application for a library job. I need to clean house. I need to grade papers. I should have done all this when I had the time off on Friday and Saturday but I didn't. Last night I went to the symphony because Josh was playing in a side-by-side concert. Went to church this morning and played. I couldn't get through the entire service before my mouth gave out. I need to work up my stamina again.
I decided to upgrade my cell phone finally and I went ahead and decided to get an iPhone. It's funny that since I posted that on my Facebook page, I got more comments about that than anything else I've posted. Everyone says I'll love it so I hope so. Marty used to tell me that I should get one but I've hem-hawed around it not wanting to pay the extra $30 a month for the data plan. But I just paid off one of my bills that $30 a month and I think I'll get rid of the long-distance service on my home phone and then I should be able to afford it.
Well, I guess I've procrastinated long enough by writing this blog... I better get started on my journal.

Snow Day

I can't believe it, but school was actually canceled today. I got a call from my principal at 6:00 this morning. The snow hasn't been too bad here but I-40 was closed in both directions. The northern part got hit worse than we did. I had to call all the other sponsors and all my students to let them know the competition for tomorrow has been canceled as well. It's still snowing here but the roads are ok in town. It's been so warm that the snow isn't sticking. I was feeling cooped up so I headed out to get some tea this afternoon. I made some fish sticks for dinner. (Friday during Lent) Now I'm trying to write my "Philosophy of Education." I'm applying for a library job and am trying to get the application finished today. Haven't heard anything about the job in Albuquerque but I really doubt that I'll even get a nod.
It's snowing again here. Tomorrow it's supposed to start clearing out. I guess since we didn't get much snow at all this year, it's making up for all of it at once! The whole panhandle has shut down it seems. It's just that time of year I guess. Two years ago during our UIL competition we had tornado warnings. Last year at Easter we had snow. I'm ready for spring to stay though!

Just Crazy Here

We have very strange weather in the Texas panhandle. We had 70 degree weather today but we're expecting a BLIZZARD tonight and tomorrow with some areas getting up to 20 inches of snow. Our UIL district tournament was canceled tomorrow and tentatively rescheduled for Saturday. Some schools are already posting that they will be closed tomorrow. Our school will not make that decision until morning and they almost NEVER close.
I was running around trying to get ready for the contest tomorrow not knowing whether or not it would be canceled. Many people don't believe it will really snow, but it's already started north of us. One highway is already closed.
I went to Josh's band concert tonight, then choir rehearsal and now I've got to quickly get a paper finished for graduate school.
Well, I gotta get that started and then head to bed. I haven't decided if I want school canceled tomorrow or not. It will make things difficult for me in dealing with the competition on Saturday.

Much too busy again

I feel like I will never catch up with all the things I have to get done. I bring stuff home but never actually get to it. I don't know why I have a block about doing schoolwork at home. I finished reading a book tonight instead. I wish I had time to do that in the evenings. Just read. I am really unhappy with my job right now. I just had a sense of dread on Monday at school. I should be in a job I love and I'm not right now. There are parts I like but most of it I don't. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. You'd think someone that is almost 40 would have figured that out by now.
When I start writing a blog these days I start out feeling like there's a lot I want to say and now it's nothing. I just don't have the energy to put everything out there it seems. I'm getting that itchy feeling of wanting to run away again. Start over somewhere new. New place, new job, new life. Problem is that running away doesn't generally solve whatever issues we might be running from. I know this... but the itch is still there. But my life will probably be as it always is... same thing. I shouldn't have that longing for something "different" though because sure enough... it will come and it will be nothing like I envision, expect or want. So I guess I should just buckle down and appreciate what I've got, huh? My life is good. It is decent. But I want more. I'm not sure what exactly I want more of though. More time? More love? More friends? More travel? All of the above?

Moving forward

I'm fine. And I actually mean that when I say it. But I truly appreciate the kind comments and Summer's post. I haven't cried and I'm not mulling over the loss. It's instinct for me to question myself after a break up even though logically I know that I really didn't do anything wrong. It's just the idea of rejection that hurts. But even that will pass soon and I know this. I will drench myself in so much busy-ness for a while that I won't really have time to think about it. I've already started the process in fact.

I spent about 8 hours yesterday applying for the job in Albuquerque that interests me. Why so long? Well the online application took me about 2 1/2 hours to completely fill out. Then I had to attach a resume, cover letter, and writing sample. I had to find my last resume that was burned to a back up CD so I could update it. That took a while. The writing sample was easy - I just attached one of the papers I wrote for graduate school last semester. The cover letter was the hardest for me. I am not a very concise person and I really didn't know what I wanted to say. I mumbled through it for a few hours last night and finally submitted something around 11 p.m. I also attached instructions for them to view my online course and materials that I've done. I have absolutely no idea if I am even remotely qualified for the position and if I be considered at all, but I feel good about taking the chance.

Well, I was going to write more but my cousin just called and I'm meeting them for lunch in Amarillo.

Three Strikes and You're Out

Marty and I broke things off again. I had to drag the truth out of him but I wasn't going to leave without answers. He would have let me leave and then continued to be distance and let me get more and more frustrated. So when we went to bed last night I thanked him for letting me come visit. He said that I was welcome any time. Then I told him that I felt like he really didn't want me to come down this time. He said that it was because it's hard to have someone visit while he's still working. I asked if that was all and he said "Mostly." I then asked what else there was. At that point he tried to avoid answering and told me to go to sleep. I told him that I wasn't going to give up. I said that I wasn't blind and that he had been acting very distant and it seemed as though he just didn't like me very much. He said that he liked me, but.... and then went silent. I told him to go on several times. He finally said that he thought that we would never go beyond where we've been in our relationship. He said that although he enjoys my company, talking to me, the cuddling and such but he just didn't feel the same way that I do about him. He said that he knows that I feel more for him than he does for me and he knows that that isn't fair. I agreed with him. I told him that I can't make him care for me and that I appreciated his honesty. I asked him what he wanted - if he wanted to remain friends and still communicate or cut all ties. He said he wanted to stay friends. I said o.k. I know that for him that means he might pop up out of the blue every six months or so. I didn't think I'd cry because I was really expecting all of this but it did hurt and I admit that a few tears fell. I know he felt bad and I think he was a little upset as well, but I don't him to not feel bad. I told him that I wanted him to be happy and that I obviously am not the one to do that so I know when I need to let go. And that's it. We feel asleep, got up early and he brought me to the airport. He hugged me before leaving and told me to call him when I got home. I wanted to cry again briefly but I sucked it up and held it in.

So how do I feel about all of this? I'm both sad and relieved. It still aches a bit, but there is not the pain that I had the last time. I don't know if that is because I was more prepared or if it was because I expected it or if it's just emotional maturity. So I am moving on to acceptance of the fact that Marty and I are just not meant to be together. I'm just at a place where I know that I deserve better. I deserve someone that can really love me. I deserve someone that acts like they're interested in me. I deserve someone whose face will light up when they see me. I deserve a lot more. I don't know if I'll ever find that person (or if they will find me) but I know that I have a lot to offer in a relationship. But I also have to realize that perhaps I'm never going to be with someone. That is the hard pill to swallow because now that I think I'm finally "getting it" in terms how relationships and love are supposed to work that I may never get the opportunity to participate in something special. But that's just a fear that I'll have to work through as well. And so it's time to move on - again.

Last day in Key West

I return home tomorrow very early in the morning. Despite the relationship concerns the trip has still been relaxing. It's been nice just being away from home without any responsibilities. I haven't really done anything. I haven't even ventured out of the apartment since Monday when we went out to eat. Marty is still working this week (because I told him to not take time off) so I have just slept late, watched t.v., surfed the web and mostly been a bum. Despite what may happen with Marty and me, I don't regret coming here for spring break. I don't really have a lot of high hopes right now. I have decided to talk to him tonight and see if he'll tell me what's going on. I'm at the age where I'm just not going to play games any more. I think open communication is crucial and I hope he'll be honest with me.
I haven't gotten as much done as I would liked to have. But I'm not going to worry about it. I'll still have the weekend when I get back. Well, I'm going to continue being a bum and take it easy on my last day here.

Key West Day 2

It has been very nice to sleep in the past two days. Maybe by the end of spring break I will catch up on all the sleep I need. Marty and I went to the grocery store yesterday which was great because his apartment had no food (a total bachelor pad) other than 4 cans of tomato soup, cheese, cinnamon rolls and lunch meat (but no bread). Since he is starting his diet again today (he gets 3 "cheat" days and then goes on it for 11 days) I needed some edible food since I'm not on a diet. Yesterday was still a cheat day so he took me out to eat and we had Italian. We came back and just watched movies the rest of the evening. He wanted to participate in "raid" on his game but declined since I was here. I eventually got him to cuddle somewhat when we watched movies but I can tell he's still very distant and I think he still doesn't know if he really wants to be in a relationship. I don't know if I should confront him on the issue or just let it go for a while. I still don't know what I want in terms of our relationship either. I think I'll just wait and see how the next couple of days go and make that decision later. Nothing like putting things off.

In other news, I found a job that I would really like to have but I'm afraid to apply for it. It is in Albuquerque but it is exactly what I would like to do in my career. It is an instructional media specialist job that would mostly be responsible for online course creation and working with university professors in that respect. The salary is comparable to what I'm currently making. I wouldn't mind living in Albuquerque since that is where some of my family is and I like the area. But I'm not sure if I'm at a place where I'm really ready to move. My dad called me last night though and wanted to go ahead and try to get the house in my name. Once that's done, I will have more flexibility and more options. I really want to get out classroom though so I am certainly going to keep all options open at this point.

Well, it's lunch time so I think I'm going to heat up my left over Italian food and enjoy it.

Here in Key West

I made it in last night around 10:00 although my flight was supposed to get in around 9:30. I had a scare yesterday morning when I get a text message from the airline saying my outbound flight from Amarillo had been canceled. I called the 800 number and it turned out that there was still a flight leaving at 12:10 but it was a different flight number. We left on time and arrived in Dallas early. I had lunch at the airport in Dallas and then got on the flight to Miami. We arrived early in Miami but then had a longer wait than expected. The waiting area for the American Express flights was very crowded and then our flight was delayed on top of that. But we made it and arrived about 30 minutes late despite leaving 45 minutes after our scheduled departure time.
I didn't sleep much last night... it's always weird to sleep somewhere else the first night away from home for me. Marty was up at 5:30 to get ready for work. I slept in until around 9:30. I've piddled around this morning avoiding doing the work I brought. I do have to get an assignment done for one of my classes.

I still sense some distance from Marty. Not sure what to make of it right now. It feels like I'm more of an inconvenience than a girlfriend most of the time. It's not so much in words but just subtle hints in his action and non-actions so to speak. It could be my overactive imagination again, but it's doubtful. I'm usually right on with my intuition when it comes to him... though usually he doesn't admit I'm right until years later. I'm going to play it by ear this week and see how things go.
Well, enough putting off my homework... gotta get that done and then take a shower and get dressed.

Spring Break!

I have several updates so I'll try to make them brief.

1. I had a very bad day Wednesday when I found out that I was turning in my student trip request for our UIL district tournament in late and that the principal would not sign it. I had to appeal to the superintendent who then visited with the principal about it. I didn't sleep much that night but thankfully the next day was told we could go. I originally thought I was turning in the trip request on time but I forgot that spring break didn't count. I got a verbal reprimand from my principal but he said he wasn't mad at me but I needed to make sure I met the deadlines. He didn't put anything in my file about it so it was a great relief.

2. Had my second mammogram yesterday along with a sonogram. Turns out that everything is fine. I just have a cyst that isn't a big deal. That's a relief.

3. Josh got accepted into the music composition program at SFA so that's where he'll be going to college in the fall. Now it's a matter of figuring out how to pay for it. I wasn't sure if he would make it because during our visit on Monday we were told that there were 8 applicants for the program and they were only accepting three students. On Wednesday we got word that he was accepted so now it's a matter of getting scholarships. He did audition but we may not hear about a music scholarship until April. He's been applying for other scholarships here and there but we haven't heard anything yet. It's the hurry up and wait game right now.

4. I left my car for my brother to fix while gone to Houston/Nacogdoches but it turned out to be something other than what he thought. It's somewhat fixed but still has some issues. It has an oil leak and it still shudders a bit when I brake. I really want to get a new car but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I don't know if I should just keep pouring money in my 10 year old car or bite the bullet and get something brand new. What I really want is a new Toyota Prius. I wonder if it would be a good time to buy right now with the current state of the economy. My bank's loan rate is 5.3% right now. I don't have issues about buying new cars like some people do because I keep them forever. My Honda is now 10 years old which is what Josh drives and my hand-me-down Nissan Maxima that I just paid off with my dad is also 10 years old. But we're going to lose Josh's SSI in May so I have to keep that in mind. But then again, I could potentially pay off one of my loans (especially if I just sell my current car) and then the money I save in gas might allow me to afford the payments.... just have to wait and see.

5. I'm in the process of doing laundry and getting ready to pack for my trip to Key West. I'm going to see Marty but I'm kind of having weird thoughts about our relationship. I'm sure things will be fine when I get there and we'll have a lovely time together, but as soon as I leave it will go back to a state where I have no idea where he is emotionally. Most of the time I feel like I'm more of a secondary thought to him and that he cares more about his video game characters than he does for me. I didn't talk to him for almost a week and he never once made the effort to call me. I have some thinking to do about all of this. Not sure what I want any more.

6. I really want a library job next year. Or maybe I just really want out of the classroom. Or both. I'm cautiously looking. I would almost be willing to move if I thought I could sell my house. But that is really a far-fetched idea at the moment. There's nothing open in the immediate area right now but I'm going to keep searching.

7. It snowed here yesterday but nothing accumulated. There were some huge flakes coming down for a while but today it is supposed to get up to 54. What is it about snow during spring break?

Trip update

I know it has been a while since I've posted. It's been a whirlwind trip and I totally exhausted - especially with the stupid time change that I hate, hate, hate. But I guess you probably at least want some kind of update for the 6 of you still reading my blog.
Our flight to Houston was ok except that we were not supposed to change planes in Dallas but ended up changing planes due to a mechanical issue. Because of that plane change, one of my students lost her I-touch. We arrived in Houston around 3:00 and was lucky enough to drive in rush hour traffic (though there wasn't much rushing at 20 mph). It took us almost two hours to get to the hotel that would normally take us about 40 minutes. Almost had an issue at the hotel because they booked us four King rooms when two of them needed to be doubles. Luckily she made the change for us. We registered for the tournament and then went to dinner at a restaurant that served both Italian and Mexican food.
The tournament itself was decent but had a large disappointment. I had two students make it to semi-finals rounds which is a huge accomplishment - especially for a state tournament. One of them, however, missed finals by one ranking. That was tough to deal with. Another two made it to quarter-finals rounds as well. One of my students did receive a scholarship though. We also got a trophy for having the most qualifications for our region.
We've had some very long days - getting there early and getting back late. The one evening that we got back at a decent hour, I stayed up to finish my powerpoint that was due today. I wanted to submit it early so the professor could send it back if it needed work. It turns out that it was fine the way I sent it and got a perfect score.
Yesterday I was an idiot. I guess the time change made me think I needed to get up two hours early rather than just one. I got up and was ready to go by 7:00 and I realized that I had told my students we would leave at 8:00 as I was walking into the registration area to check out. We got back to the rental car place to return the cars and my students and the other sponsor headed back on the shuttle to the airport. Josh and I walked across the street to a different rental car place to get our car that we would use for our drive to Nacogdoches.
We had to take our time going because my friend that we're staying with had other plans until 5:00. We stopped in Humble and went to Denny's for breakfast. I dropped Josh off at the mall while I went to church. After church we did some shopping and I got Josh some clothes. We had lunch at Pappasitos (Mexican Food) and then we headed to Nacogdoches. The drive was fine other than being really tired.
We made it right on time and spent the evening visiting with my friend and picking up Papa Murphy's pizza. I went to bed at 10 but Josh had a coughing, sneezing issue last night so I was up at 2:00 digging out a benedryl for him. I eventually slept and had some relatively weird dreams. Now I'm up but I could sleep for a few more hours. We need to get to campus early so we can turn in some paperwork for financial aid, possibly tour one of the dorms we didn't see last time and then meet my friend for lunch. Josh has a meeting with the composition teacher at 1:00 and his audition is at 2:30. We have to leave Nacogdoches by 4:30 or so to catch a late flight home. Which means it will be another long day.
Oh, and my car is having issues which my brother is dealing with but it means I won't have my car when I get back. I'll borrow Josh's for a couple of days until it's repaired.
And that's the update!

To do list

1. Do laundry
2. Pack
3. Clean house
4. Create powerpoint assignment & upload
5. Take my car to my brother's shop to leave for him to work on while I'm gone
6. Leave instructions for the kid that's going to feed the animals while we're gone

What I'm actually doing:

1. Sitting in my recliner
2. Watching American Idol
3. Looking at Facebook

I did start the laundry though and that is my excuse right now... need to wait for it to finish. I also loaded the dishwasher but I can't run it until the washer is finished. I picked up dinner since I didn't want to cook. So I'm going to give myself about an hour and then I'll start figuring out what to pack. I don't want to check more than one bag or take more than one carry-on.

We had TAKS testing today. It was long and dull. I finally got my sub plans together for the rest of the week. I didn't leave school until 5:30. I usually talk to Marty on the way home but he's not answering, nor is he online, so I am guessing that he's working late tonight.

Once again I'll probably be up late. And I can't sleep in tomorrow. I went ahead and made a doctor's appointment for my yearly physical. Since I still have the morning off and don't have to take a personal day, I figured it was a good time to go. So I have to be there at 9:00. I guess that means I can sleep in a little late, but not as much as I would have liked.

Well, I'm going to watch a little more t.v. and then get busy with my to do list.

Managing

I went to jury duty this morning. The judge said that the potential trial could last 3 or 4 days so when he asked if anyone had emergencies for not serving I explained my situation about taking students to a state competition on Wednesday. I was excused but that means that they'll reschedule me for another service in a couple of weeks or so. It will probably be at another inopportune time. I probably would like the experience of serving on a jury if it were at a time that I could do so. Since I was finished by 10, I went ahead and headed back to school so I could get some things done.

Tomorrow is TAKS testing so I'll only see two of my classes. I have to get my sub plans done for my absence for the next four days. We're flying out Wednesday afternoon. I have a doctor's appointment for Wednesday morning. I figured that's a good time since I don't have to take a personal day off.

Well, I'd write more, but I have to head to band rehearsal. Will try to catch up more later.