Saturday, July 02, 2005

A few thoughts

First thought: Speech camp is over. Yaaaahooooooo! I did learn about LD Debate again and can hopefully use it next year, but am truly relieved that it's over. It took up a LOT of time.

Next commentary: Brian came over last night for dinner as well as my dad and his girlfriend. We had a nice time. I made pizza and ceasar salad. I didn't have time to make dessert, but everyone seemed to enjoy dinner. Carol Ann thought Brian was nice and reiterated again that I need to go slow. Carol Ann and dad left at 10:00; Brian stayed until a little after midnight. I won't go into details. But will again state we did not have sex, but I know it's going to be hard to continue avoiding that. And that's all the details I'm giving right now.

Blogging thoughts: I've been thinking about my writing lately and am concerned about the fact that I'm limiting myself because of my audience. It was one thing when I was completely anonymous, but now that others read my blog and they know me in real life, I stifle my words.
Actually I've done that from the beginning, really. I started this blog because of Patrick. And in the beginning he was my only audience. And in that time, I never mentioned Marty or anything about him until I blogged about the "kink in things". I didn't want to upset Patrick by commenting about the fact that I was dating others and such. He knew that I was seeing others, but I didn't want to rub it in his face.
When Marty was reading my blog from time to time, I didn't hold back. With him, I felt I could be honest with him. And it is still that way. In fact many times I wrote things regarding him in hopes that he'd read it in the blog. And now that he's really not reading it, I guess it doesn't matter what I write in it.
Now that my friend Bret is reading I think I'm holding back on that wild side. I know he doesn't have a pristine image of me, but it just seems kind of weird to be writing about certain things like sex, drinking, and other sinful things. And yes, I know he understands we're all sinners and what-not... guess he has to since he's a preacher, but it still feels weird.
And now Brian. So far I haven't completely held back because I have made it clear that I've continued to struggle with issues about Marty, but I haven't put all my thoughts out there on everything regarding him. Things that I'm not sure he needs to know, or wants to know, or that I can even really explain. Mostly exploratory thoughts that don't really lead anywhere.

So I guess I'm catering to my audience now. That's not necessarily bad because I guess they don't need to know EVERYTHING. But what I enjoyed about blogging was the ability to put it all out there. People ask me why do I do that? Don't you worry about someone reading your blog? Well, isn't that the point? To have people read it and not judge you. Or judge you, but because you don't know them, you don't care? I think one of the greatest things I've found in blogging is that I'm not alone. People out there feel the same way I do. They have similar struggles. But what do I do about the thoughts circling in my head and that I feel I can't share with my audience? Do I write those in my private journal at home? Do I start another blog that isn't shared with people I know? Or do I just keep all the thoughts in my head and leave them to sort themselves out?

6 comments:

Summer said...

No one in my family or any of my friends are aware of my first blog. They do read the second one. You need to find a place where you can let your thoughts, feelings and actions come together without fear of what others might think. Let you be you. Get another one!

Diana said...

I struggle with this issue, too. We all have a personal side that we don't really want to share with anyone. I open up the most when I sit alone with a paper notebook, but then that's easier to find by the very people I don't want to be reading it. I experiment with anonymous second (and sometimes third!) blogs from time to time but it's hard enough to keep one blog going and they always fizzle...

Andrew said...

That is the main reason I moved my blog. I lost the over 200 hits a day I was getting but now I can write about what I want. I have much more freedom. I had a family member who googled my name and started reading. They were complaining to my father about some of my postings. (She was a cousin.) I learned then to take off my real name and picture and become a little more anonymous. I only revealed my blog to a select few people that I felt would not judge me and were friends or blogging acquaintances.

Maybe you could use your “other” blog that used to be listed on Prison Pete as an avenue to vent or discuss things you want to remain more anonymous. I have to agree with Diana though that secondary blogs tend to fizzle out over time. I have had several to do that as well.

Patrick Goodman said...

I've largely decided to just let it all hang out. I wasn't exactly trumpeting my sex life or anything to the skies anyway, but in general I blog about what's on my mind, and if my audience has a problem with it...well, I'm sorry it's like that. I try not to say things that will deliberately hurt someone, but I just don't let it bother me much. If I can talk about my battles with my faith when almost everyone around me has much more of it than I do, I think I can talk about anything.

The Cheshire Cat said...

Sometimes it is good to have a seperate area where you can vent your frustrations or personal issues. I tried doing the "secret" blog and found that when I really needed to vent, I was never near a computer. LOL! So, I always try to keep a written journal for that purpose. By venting in that journal, no one has to see all that crap on my blog.

Annabel said...

I decided to go ahead and create a separate blog space so I could be more free in what I write. I sent some of you links to it. If you didn't get one and are interested in reading, you can email me and ask for it.