Sunday, July 17, 2005

Affairs of the Heart

Brian was in a bad mood last night. Well, maybe not so much a bad mood, but more in a down mood. I'm not sure what was up with it all. He said it was because it wasn't a very productive day. Maybe.

He mentioned last night that he needed to find more things to do with his youngest daughter because the other two will be leaving in a year. I think he worries about being somewhat alone. I also think he realizes that I won't be moving to Dalhart either.

I still like Brian and think he's a great guy. I'm just not certain that we're right for each other. I think he wants to get married and live a "normal" happily married life in Dalhart. But he seems to think that there are no available women Dalhart (because he pretty much knows everyone that lives there). But if he branches out, then he's going to have to find someone with no ties to the area that they are in and would be willing to move. And that isn't me.

Why can't things ever be simple and the way we want it?

And yes, I'm still dealing with the issues of my heart regarding Marty. Am still having a hard time telling myself to close that door. And because of that I'm still keeping Brian at bay. Or maybe it's more than that. I just don't know these days.

A part of me thinks Brian is a truly wonderful man and a very good catch. And I would be a fool to just discard him because I haven't come to terms with a lot of things. I guess that's why I'm hanging in there playing the wait and see game. I know I don't have to know everything and there's no rush, but at the same time I don't want him to hold out for me when he could be finding someone more suitable.

And then there's Marty. I know, I know, I know that I have to let go. And I don't even know why I'm hanging on other than the fact that I was in love with him. In all honesty, we only had a couple of really good months together where everything seemed right. But starting in October is when I noticed that things had started to go downhill and things had changed and I still haven't figured out what it is. And perhaps that is my problem... the fact that I don't know. This is difficult for a person that has to know everything. So I wonder if I did something. I wonder if he still had feelings for his ex. I wonder if he ever did love me. I wonder if he did love me, why did it stop? I wonder if he'd always had thoughts of being with me, but when he got me, he discovered I wasn't what he thought I would be. I wonder if he's just trying to be noble to make it easy on me while he's gone. I wonder so many more things. And I have no answers. I also wonder why I'm letting this bother me so much. I have lots of friends and family tell me to not expend my emotional energy on Marty. That he's not worth it. He left me hanging. He couldn't tell me how he was feeling. He kept me guessing. He didn't make an effort with me. And this is all true. So why can't I move on?

I thought maybe I was ready to date again. I decided that if Marty didn't want me, that perhaps someone else did. That maybe I was still a good catch. And I think that in a lot of ways I am. I also know that I'm not perfect and can be difficult. But I also think I deserve to be loved and have a great capacity to love someone. So what's my problem? Is it the hang-up with Marty? Is it simply that Brian isn't the right person? Or is it something else entirely that I hadn't even thought of?

Yes, I know I think and analyze too much. But that is who I am. I want all the answers. I don't necessarily need for everything to be simple, but it would be nice if things could at least be a little easier and not so complex.


ladylou said...

Girlfriend, you can't force love. If you don't love Brian, then you don't love him. Period. End of story. As for Marty, he moved on so it's time for you to move on. There are a lot of "fish in the sea". So why limit yourself to only a few? If you ask me, you are being too serious about meeting someone. As long as you are looking and looking hard, you will not find the right person. Lighten up and date around some. Have fun with your girlfriends, get some counseling, and be patient. When the right man comes along, you will know it and you won't have to question your motives or feelings. Ladylou

Annabel said...

You're right to some degree. I don't love Brian at this moment. I don't know if I will. I also don't know if I should continue to wait it out with him. As far as other fish in the sea... where the heck are they?
And yeah.. I'm always serious about dating and it sucks.
And like I said.. I know I need to move on with Marty... but because I tell my head something doesn't mean my heart is listening. I know I will in time.
Girlfriends.. well, I have one. Counseling... yeah, right.. can't afford until health insurance kicks in. Patience.. well, guess I could give that a try!