Saturday, July 23, 2005

Up in the Air

O.k. so maybe Brian isn't history. I don't know anything any more. Talked to him online last night. Turns out things just got very busy and he lost power to his cell phone and didn't even have a room at the time he called on Thursday. He told me I shouldn't panic just because I don't hear from him in a couple of days.

But I'm also uncertain about a lot of things but at the same time I don't just want to walk away. I fear if I don't give it a chance it would be a mistake. But then again if it's not meant to be I don't want to waste his time when he could be finding the right one. Once again I want all the answers beforehand. But since I don't have them I'm just playing the wait and see game.

I think I upset him a bit last night because I was still in a mood and had told him that I thought he was history because he hadn't called. But I was being honest. And maybe he is right that perhaps I'm trying to sabotage the relationship. I don't know why I do things like that. I guess I'm pushing the limits to see if he's really going to stick around. The thing is... I think he would until I either pushed way too many buttons or told him it was over. And that's one thing that is appealing about him.

And perhaps Summer is right that I started dating too soon after Marty and still don't have that closure. (And I know I never will because guys won't give us that) So what am I to do? The only thing I know to do just keep getting to know Brian and see if he will fit. I'm finding there are several ways that he does fit, but then again, there are a few things that need some alterations.


ladylou said...

Hi hun! I know you know, by now, who this is and I wanted to start this comment by saying I did thoroughly enjoy your concert. It is too bad Brian could not be there to see you perform, although, I understand he has responsibilities and he takes them seriously....I think that would be one of the positive traits he holds, don't you? You seem still quite confused about what to do concerning your relationship with Brian. When I read on your blog that he had told you that you might be sabotaging the all seemed so clear to me. You did get hurt, to say the least, by Marty when he left. And I am sure, like anyone else, you do not want to go through anything like that again. Perhaps what I am trying to say is you DO appear to be sabotaging the relationship and it makes perfect sense why you would. If you give your heart away again in it's now still fragile state, you are taking a chance and perhaps you even fear that you will not be able to handle the pain of being hurt again by another man. The proof for me, came when Brian asked you not to worry if you didn't hear from him for a few days at a time. If you recall, you basically "wrote him off" as another loss when he didn't call back. I am wondering on what terms Marty left .....did he tell you goodbye and give you reasons why he was leaving or did he just disappear into thin air one day? (By the way, I hate it when men do that! Looks like if they feel they are man enough to be in a serious relationship with someone, they should be mature enough and man enough to face us when it's over..oh well, that could be a whole other blog, huh?) If Marty, in a sense, just abandoned you and your relationship with him, it must have been extremely traumatic for you.... and you are probably continuing to suffering from that trauma as well as grieving over the loss. Ultimately and unfortunately, time is a most important factor in really healing a broken heart. I think you probably already realize all this but I have found that hearing it from someone else sometimes makes it concrete and creates something to actually work with to heal the hurt and "get rid of the baggage (or garbage, which seems more accurate at times)" of past relationships gone bad. I have a suggestion and it is only a beginning for sorting out your feelings, but if you want to try it, it might help some... Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it....on one side of the paper, write "pros" and on the other side, "cons"..... or positive/negative, whichever or whatever you like best. On the positives side, write all the positive things about Brian and about your relationship with Brian. On the negatives side of the page, brainstorm about the negatives and do the same. After you have gotten to the point you feel you have exhausted your ideas for each side, take a good long look at it and see if you can determine whether you can come to any decisions or gain any insight based on your lists. This technique has worked for me and for others I have shared it with....It's basically simple, but takes some time if done correctly and the results are sometimes very rewarding. It is my hope that by doing this, you can get rid of some of the unorganized/confusing thoughts bouncing around in your head by organizing them on paper where you can actually analyze them and possibly gain some sort of peace of mind. If you think you would like to try it, let me know if it helps you any. I am interested in knowing...for obvious reasons. Take care, ladylou

Annabel said...

So what do you do when you make the list and both columns come out even?

Anonymous said...


I've enjoyed reading your blog & I've tried to stay away from commenting because I'm a firm believer in just observing, as opposed to offering advice.

Anyway, I feel I have some advice that may be helpful, so I'm delurking to add my .02 :)

I know it's hard, but don't analyze things. I used to be like that & to some extent, I still am.

I know it's easy to be suspicious of one's partner in a relationship but to make things work, you have to let go of that suspicious/doubtful nature.

Also, when you truly love yourself and are HAPPY being single and alone, you will find true happiness with someone else. IF you haven't figured out how to be happy on your own, it'll make a relationship harder to deal with (that's when all your insecurities will come out).

When you're happy, truly happy, with being single and not knowing when/if you'll find someone (and not caring if you do find someone or not) is when you'll find a relationship that works. I know this from experience.

This little bit about being happy with who you are and being content to be single will reflect in how others see you AND in how you deal with a relationship.

You'll be less likely to be insecure about the relationship going wrong. I know it's hard but let go of analyzing things.

See how things go...just go with the flow. All those nagging questions (ie, will he move or will I move if this gets serious) will answer themselves in time. Until then, sit back & enjoy the ride.

Like I said, it's difficult to set aside analyzing the situation but you must try to do so. In my experience, it's been the over-analyzing & second guessing a partner's motives & "discussing us as a couple" that usually kills a relationship. Guys get very "funny" when a gal seems to want to over-analyze everything.

I'm not saying that had anything to do with what happened with you & Marty (I doubt it was probably just the distance & perhaps he still had feelings for his ex) but I know that sorta stuff can doom a relationship (I doomed a couple of mine by doing that!).

Really, to sum this all up, remember 2 things in order to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone else:

1. Be happy and content with who you are. Be happy being single & realize that YOU must make yourself happy before anyone else can begin to do so.

2. Abandon any insecurities, doubts, suspicions you may have about your current relationship. Let it progress without questioning it. If it's meant to be, the two of you, through compromise, will figure out all the answers to all the nagging questions that you have. Just let those answers present themselves w/o having to ask the questions.

hope this makes sense & hope it helps.


Annabel said...

I agree with you but it's easier said than done. I have decided to not analyze so much.
As far as being happy with myself... I'm learning that too... slowly.
Getting rid of my insecurities.. now that's going to take some time... but I'm still a work in progress.
And your .02 is welcome any time even if I don't agree with it.