Friday, July 22, 2005

Went on a date with myself

My last night alone here. Josh comes home tomorrow. I was still unsure of what to do with myself. If I stayed home I'd do nothing but watch t.v., read, and stay online. So I decided to take myself out. Yeah, I'm broke, but I'll figure out how to pay for it later.

I took myself to dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant. Afterwards I treated myself to a movie and went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And I had a great time with myself. Maybe it's not so bad to be alone. Mind you I don't want to end up alone, but am thinking it will be o.k. for a while. I've really got to learn to love myself more and treat myself better perhaps. I hardly ever do anything for myself. And this is coming from a fairly selfish person. But it's true, I don't buy myself too many things and don't treat myself. And I should. Because I deserve it. And if I can't get dates otherwise, I'll just take myself out.

I think this was the first time I went to the movies alone. Not that it bothered me. Actually I quite enjoyed it. Sure it's nice to go with a date where you can cuddle, hold hands, and share about the movie afterwards, but it's o.k. to go alone as well.

I'm not certain, but I think Brian may be history. I haven't talked to him on the phone since Monday, I think. Talked to him online on Tuesday and he'd said he call yesterday. Didn't hear from him. I called him today and was only able to leave a message. He called while I was gone and said he'd call back, but there were no other calls. Usually when he gets to Vaughn he at least calls to tell me his room number so I can call him. He didn't.

I can't be sure of what it is but I have several ideas. First he probably senses my distance and uncertainty. He may have finally come to realize that I would not move to Dalhart. It could have been my depression that hit earlier in the week. (Although I did tell him I could be moody) I printed out my blog and I think he's been reading and that may have upset him. But I can't be anyone other than who I am. If he has decided to not pursue something romantically, I hope he at least is honest with me. I can accept that. I do hope that we remain friends. But I guess we'll see. Of course this is all speculation on my part, but I'm usually right on about such things... though sometimes I don't realize it until much later. Just read all the posts about Marty and you can see for yourself.

So if I have to be alone for a while I guess I'll be o.k. I may not always like it, but I do accept it and know that I will survive because I always do.

1 comment:

Summer said...

My opinion, and it's not worth anything, is that Brian came along too soon after Marty. If you never see him again, will it upset you? Will you mourn the loss? And Marty...well...I don't think you had closure there. Men aren't into closure, so I suspect you may never get it. Oh wait, their type of closure is, "I'm over this. Good-bye." I'll give them that much credit. I think you need to give yourself a break. A little vacation from the male population. Get busy with that garage! Haha!