On School

Once again my 7th period class today reminded me of why I quit teaching 6 1/2 years ago. It is my largest class and it's not necessarily the size of the class that is an issue. I have another class almost as large and they are quite perfect. It's really 3-4 students that make it a miserable class for the most part. One girl in particular is the rudest and has that "Miss Thang" attitude where I certainly am not going to tell her what to do and what not to do. When she is absent, well I can't say it's heaven, but at least closer. I'll spend more time in prayer over this, but I hope it gets better soon.

The thing is that there are other classes that are really pretty good and I have some wonderful kids in those that seem to want to learn and take an interest in what I am saying. Or at least they seem to be paying attention. And then there's the speech team full of really talented kids that are polite (mostly.. other than that senior "attitude"). So I guess for the most part it balances out. If only it were not for all the other crap we have to deal with as teachers. (Pardon the language, but is there a better way to put it really?)

Let's examine this shall we?

On top of teaching 5-6 classes a day teachers are expected to do the following:
Create interesting lessons that keep the kids engaged in learning.
Have assignments for them to complete and must be graded as they must have a minimum of 8 daily grades each six weeks. This is in addition to having two test grades.
For kids that are absent because they are in what is called Prime Time (long term removal from the classroom) or ISS (In School Suspension) we are to send work for them to do. Never mind that they will miss our lectures and important information. But we must take time out of our day to send busy work to keep them... well... busy. (Oh and they usually send the ISS request two days into their assignment and Prime Time sends the completed assignments back the day of semester tests still to be graded)
Almost daily we have to clear absence reports because we may have marked a kid absent at one point when they were tardy to class by 5-6 minutes or so which means we have to go back and look through our attendance sheets. Sometimes they ask about student absence from a month or so prior.
Once a week we are to have a duty which requires us to stand outside and monitor students for 15-20 minutes before school and after school.
We are expected to keep up with grades and have them entered into the computer although we generally don't have time to really grade papers because our conference periods are filled with doing all the other stuff I've been mentioning.
We're also supposed to make 6 parent contacts in a six weeks. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but to sit down and even write something out, put it in an envelope, find the address, and take it to the office to be mailed takes up most of a conference period. Forget phone calls as most parents are working or they don't speak English.
So with a 50 minute conference period, once I take care of the above things, I don't have time to actually work on lessons. Keep in mind that I am basically starting over as a new teacher. I do have a text book, but I still have to create my own lessons to teach, activities for them to do, note taking materials, and tests.
(On the note-taking materials, it may seem strange to have to give students materials for taking notes - you know fill in the blank - but since we are required to do this for students that have modifications, it might as well be done for the whole class. I tried once to give them notes without the worksheets and they couldn't keep up with it and they constantly asked me how to spell everything.)

And just a few more gripes while we're at it...
We can't make copies of our materials for our classes. We have to send all materials to be printed to a place called "Docutech". In some respects this is a good thing as we don't have to waste time going to a copy machine etc, but sometimes as plans change we can't just quickly print something for our classes to do.
I can understand the need for filters on our internet so that students don't visit really bad sites, but when I can't even go to Sony Music to find an address, that is getting rediculous.
We're supposed to be incorporating technology into our classrooms and although I think it is a good thing, it is sometimes difficult. It is an ordeal to get an LCD projector. I finally got 6 computers in my room and they work maybe 1/2 the time.
And if students fail our classes for any six weeks which causes them to fail for the semester, they can make up the work. And if they choose to do that, we are supposed to create a packet of materials for them to do again (when they refused to do it the first time).

Don't get me wrong, I am going on about the negative aspects of teaching and as you can tell there are several. It's not all bad, there are good moments. Give me a minute and I may come up with one. Oh yeah... summers off. Really, there are those times when the light bulb goes on in a student's head and you can see that they finally "get it" or perhaps even years later you hear from a former student who thanks you for something you did or taught them. It isn't always immediately rewarding. And that is probably why there is so much turnover in teaching. Teachers aren't paid enough to begin with, then they pile all the extra "stuff" on their plate where they can't even simply teach any more. And people wonder why the kids today aren't really learning.

I know I briefly touched on students and their attitudes in a previous post, but I do have more to share on that subject and how they have changed. My friend Bret commented about it and asked me a question that I intend to post a response on. But will save that for another day as this post is long enough and I am sure you are tired of my rants.

Still Surviving

Summer asked if it was over. In some respects, yes. The speech tournament is finished and it went well. We finished on time. No major complaints. Most of our judges showed up. And at the end of the tournament the students gave the other teacher and I each a huge boquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. I am still quite swamped, however.

Josh was sick this weekend. I spent Sunday taking care of him and mostly relaxing. I have to stay after school today in order to work with the debaters. Luckily we have a guy coming from WT that is going to help them with their cases. That will be a big help. I will probably need to stay tomorrow unless I can talk the other teacher into staying so I can go home and get some things done... like laundry, dishes, general cleaning... you know the stuff that always needs to be done at my house. Wednesday will be another day to stay after school in addition to RCIA class.

On Thursday I'll be taking the debate teams to contest and will simply see how they do. Part of me wants them to do well and the other part just wants them to try, but certainly not make it to state. I wouldn't mind going to state, but it's just a lot more work to do. Friday and Saturday is another regular speech tournament. On Sunday I have to go to mass and sing in the choir (I hope we have more than 4 people this time) and then immediately after mass Josh and I have to drive to Albuquerque to go to my aunt and uncles' 20th wedding anniversary party. Luckily I decided to take Monday off so I wouldn't have to drive back the same day.

It's not slowing down any time soon. On top of all of this I have papers to grade, a test to make, lessons to plan for substitutes, and a myriad of other pointless school work to be done. I know I said the busyness is a good thing... but maybe I spoke too soon.

Almost there

Well, the week is winding down fast. My observation was today and it went well. The principal seemed impressed by it when he was leaving. He said it was one of the best observations he has seen. I'll take that as a good sign. I am just about ready for the speech tournament this weekend... I think. We have the judges planned and names entered into the computer. I just have to put the round assignments in the computer and then should be all set. I am looking forward to meeting one of my fellow blogger friends. She graciously volunteered to judge at our tournament this weekend so I will get to meet her.
And now I'm tired. I was up at 5:30 this morning. Luckily tomorrow should be an nice, easy day as my classes are watching a movie. I think I'm going to go to bed early and just take it easy tonight as well.

Grils Night

Had a get-together last night with two friends of mine. We were all single-moms and leaned on each other for support back when our kids were about 1-2. I made cashew chicken and played bartender. We talked about what we'd been doing for the last several years so I got to rehash my love life. Although I did mention some of the negative stuff that lead to the break up of my marriage, I didn't paint Richard in a completely negative light. I also told them of how talented and smart he was and how much I appreciated the fact that we are still friends. And Marty... well, I spoke my heart and I won't repeat all of that here. I did comment that what I think bothers me the most is not having answers. Given my intellectual and analytical nature and also the fact that I am female... not knowing all the why's tends to bother me. But all I do know is pray about it and try not to think so much. (I know... mostly impossible for me.)
I am the single one of the group. Stephanie is quite happily married to what is probably the perfect guy for her. Jennie is somewhat happily married. She has her frustrations and tries to work through them the best she can. She is stressed in trying to deal with three kids and going back to school full time. And although I sometimes wish for that someone special... I'm still happy with my life and myself. Right now I think I need to focus on simply loving myself and building my relationship with God. And I know that when I'm least expecting it and not looking... that is when the right person will come along. Problem is that I thought I already found him... but c'est la vie.
Having company over last night at least made me get my house cleaned up. I am still waaaayyy behind on laundry, but I'm making progress. This will be a week of hell, so any thoughts or prayers would be much appreciated. Tomorrow my classes will finish up their request letters and those that are finished will get to play taboo. Tuesday I have to start teaching a communication lesson and finish it on Wednesday when I will be observed by my principal. So I can't just skate by on this one. Wednesday night is RCIA class again, Thursday night is choir practice. And admist all of this I have to get set up for the tournament we are hosting this weekend. I have to learn how to use the tournament software, figure the judging assignments, get copies made, signs, and a million other things. I just hope it goes smoothly for my first tournament.
So that's my life at the moment. If I don't blog much this week... be patient... I will come back.

Another meme... imagine that.

4x4 meme...blogger spotlight

Four jobs that I have had:
1. restaurant hostess
2. snack bar cashier
3. yearbook associate
4. teacher

Four movies that I can watch over and over again:
1. Titanic
2. As Good as it Gets
3. The Shawshank Redemption
4. Grease

Four places I have lived:
1. Perryton, Texas
2. Amarillo, Texas
3. Canyon, Texas
And that's it!

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Monk
2. CSI Vegas
3. Friends
4. Mythbusters

Four websites I read daily (I check more than this daily... but I'm only going to list those that I generally post at least daily... not to hurt anyone's feelings... I check about 15 blogs a day)
1. Unconventional Ideas
2. Another Summer
3. Martha, Martha
4. Seeking Serenity

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. St. Lucia (in the Caribbean)
2. California (San Diego, L.A.)
3. Ohio (Cedar Point)
4. Chicago

Four favorite Foods:
1. Spaghetti with meat sauce
2. Cashew Chicken
3. Chicken Fettucini Alfredo
4. Enchiladas

Four places I'd rather be:
1. Snuggled up with someone in a romantic way
2. On Vacation... anywhere (perhaps visiting my blogger friends :)
3. Riding a rollercoaster
4. In a hotel, ordering room service and taking a long bubble bath listening to classical music

A Better Day

Despite having to write two office referrals, today was a much better day. I think it was the stress of everything on top of my classes acting up that just made it all seem hopeless for a moment. I know I'm stressed as I have broken out with six pimples which is very unusual for me. Sure, sometimes I'll get one, maybe two at that time of the month and that's usually it. I was one of those lucky ones that never had an acne problem. Probably because my skin is always so dry. But now I'm off topic... oh yeah... a better day. Two office referrals. That is quite unusual as well. Even when I was masochistic and taught junior high years ago I hardly ever wrote office referrals or even assigned detentions. Yesterday I wrote 3 detentions, today was another detention and then the two referrals. One of them was for a student that was more than 10 minutes late to my class. The other was for a student that refused to do his work and when I told him if it wasn't done by the end of class he would receive an detention he said he wouldn't serve so I might as well give him a referral... so I did. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles. But I was quite impressed with my classes today. Almost everyone finished typing their letters today. Last time I had this assignment, two days was not enough. Now I have to refigure my schedule next week to coordinate with upcoming principal observation. I am really not worried about my observation... which is kind of weird for me. But I think it is because I don't feel intimidated by my principal. My last principal scared the heck out of me.
One of the things we talked about in our meetings on Monday was about the problems we were having in our classes. A big issued we complained about was the fact that many of our students can barely read. Sure they can read basic stories and simple things, but I think many of them are maybe only on an elementary school level. Their writing is also quite atrocious. Out of about 75 letters that I read today, maybe a handful were written on a high school level. Even some of the smart kids had strange spelling and grammatical errors. If I get a chance, I'll post some of their writing and see what you think of it.

One of those days

Today I was reminded why I got out of teaching in the first place. I had two classes that were just horrible. Part of it is my own fault really. I made the mistake of not having enough for some of my students to do. But two classes I could not get to calm down, shut up and do their work. It was very frustrating. I assigned three detentions today and that is unusual for me. I should have assigned a fourth, but I chose not to.

I feel depressed today. I haven't felt depressed in a long time. Even during all the hubbub with Marty, I would get down or upset or whatever, but rarely depressed. I am sure it's a passing thing and I'll get over it. I just wish there wasn't two more days of school this week.

I was told yesterday that the district is looking for people that are interested in getting their library certification because they have several librarians that are close to retirement age. A part of me wants to look into it because I think I would really enjoy it, but I know that I absolutely can't afford to go back to school. I am also certain that the district won't help pay for it.

I still think going back to teaching was the right decision for me to make at this time - even with the frustrating days. But I really want to find something that I really love. I wish I could incorporate the things that I really enjoy like being creative and music and technology. I guess for now I just have to suck it up and just get through the next few days and hope my state improves soon.

Random Things

In no particular order, here are the things going on in my life lately.

Although I am feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do in regard to school and our upcoming speech tournament, I took time out last night and simply sat in front of the t.v. and worked on a scarf I am crocheting for Josh. It was a much needed and relaxing break.

I had intentions of going to bed before ten last night, but around 9:30 Marty sent me an IM out of the blue. So I chatted with him for a while. It is always good to talk to him. He still makes me smile. I mentioned my awkwardness in calling or talking to him because I felt like he wanted to keep his distance. He simply said that I could call him any time. So after I talked to him I stayed up another 30 minutes writing to him. I haven't finished the letter and I may never even send it to him, but it does help in writing it.

Church is going well. I still love it, but haven't been able to spend much time writing about it in my other blog. I wish I could do more, but I can't find the words or time lately.

My house is still a mess. I know you're not surprised by that. Maybe I'll spring clean during spring break if I'm here. If by some slim chance one of my debate teams does well at their district tournament then we'll be going to Austin during spring break. At least that way I'd be going somewhere instead of staying home.

I stayed in my room for 2 periods (oral interp, conference) and lunch and got a great deal done. Most of it was simply cleaning and filing, but now I feel like I can get some things accomplished. So why am I blogging?

Surpise

Journal prompt: List ten things that people are always surprised to find out about you.

1. I have a tattoo. (Marvin the Martian on my right shoulder blade)
2. I broke my neck when I was four. (was hit by a car)
3. I am 36 and have a 15 year old son that was born on my 21st birthday.
4. I went to a taping of The Price is Right. (But didn't get called to come on down)
5. I am converting to the Catholic Church. (don't know if this truly is a surprise or not)
6. I have been to a strip club and an adult XXX store on more than one occasion.
7. I have ridden 125 rollercoasters and am a member of ACE.
8. I'm single. (I don't know why that is surprising to anyone, but sometimes it is.)
9. I have been been on welfare. (when Josh was born until he was about four)
10. I hate most vegetables. (I only eat corn, potatoes and salad.)

No Fear

If you had no fear about anything, list 20 things that you would do.

1. Skydive
2. Bungee jump
3. Go up and ask someone I am interested in out
4. Invest in the stock market (assuming I had money)
5. Pick up a hitchhiker
6. Quit my job and go back to school
7. Move to another city where I knew absolutely nobody
8. Call Marty and ask him the questions that circle in my head
9. Trust someone completely with my heart
10. Say “no” when I really want to say it
11. Tell the truth when others irritate me
12. Ask my friend Robin why we’re not friends any more
13. Tell people I love them more often
14. Visit other countries
15. Take a real dance class
16. Ask more questions
17. Audition for a local theatre production
18. Donate blood
19. Be honest with myself
20. Go out more
21. Live life passionately.

It was difficult making this list. But it is several things to think about. Who knows... maybe I'll mark it off in time.

Friends

I find myself wanting to write but often can't think of anything to write about. In my other blog I have just the opposite problem. I have things I want to write about but seem to be stuck in getting the actual thoughts down. Tonight I decided to seek out a journaling prompt. I went to a site called journalsparks and decided to give it a whirl. I went to the Thursday spot and chose the following prompt: When was the last time you made a new friend?

I would have to say that the last "friend" I've met is my RCIA sponsor, Carol. You have to understand that people I consider friends are those I share things with. Those that are special to me. I have met many new people as I have started working at a new school and in going to church, but I consider them acquaintances. But Carol has become my friend and I am very thankful for her. I laugh at myself because I was so nervous in calling her the first time in regard to my interest in the Church. But we talked for probably an hour. She has been so wonderful to me and she is a blessing in my life.

I am also one of those people that doesn't have many friends in some respects... and I guess I just don't make them very easily or perhaps it's still my shyness. But once a person becomes my friend, they will always be my friend. Even my ex-boyfriends and my ex-husband have remained friends to me. I still consider Marty a friend although he has chosen to not have much contact with me. It hurts, but it is his choice. My door is always open for him, but it is up to him to make contact if he wants to. I have made the effort several times, but there's only so much I can do. I don't know the whys and probably never will, but that is o.k. I am friends with his sister-in-law and she thought it could be because he was hurting. I don't know. But I am still praying for him. That's all I can do. I pray for his peace and happiness. I hope he finds it.
And yes, I've mentioned him again. He was the closest thing to my best friend I've probably ever had and so how can I not mention him in a post about friends?

I don't have much in the way of friends that I hang out with around here. Many of my friends either live far away (or they're far away and simply online friends like Grumpy and Summer). My friend Pam is probably the only one here I ever really go out with. Not that she or I have time or money for such things lately.

It's funny how people come in and out of our lives. My friend Stephanie and I carpool together. We went to high school together, but weren't friends in high school. She was a year older than me. After I had Josh though, my aunt mentioned her and said that she had a daughter that was Josh's age. And we got together as single parents. We also had another friend named Jenny that had a daughter that was a year older than our kids. But we were all single and bonded for a while. Later we drifted apart as both of them went their ways and moved to other areas. Years later Stephanie's daughter came home from school in the 6th grade and told her she had a new boyfriend and his name was Josh. Josh told me about his new girlfriend. They didn't "date" very long but they remained good friends. When I took the job in Hereford they made sure Stephanie and I were brought back together as friends. Stephanie called me last night because her daughter mentioned another new friend who just so happened to be Jenny's daughter. So now we're going to get together some time with all our kids and just catch up on things.

I don't know always why we end up with certain people in our lives, but I am sure there's always a reason for it. Even those we long to have in our lives again and can't and those we perhaps have not appreciated have played a role in our development. If you haven't read the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven, you must. Sometimes it's people that may seem very insignificant at the time that have a great impact.

Having friends is important and although I don't always tell them like I should I do appreciate them. I may not ever have a plethora of friends, but those I do have are true and cherished.

Apathy

I have been guilty of this from time to time. I find now, however, as I grow more in my spiritual journey, I feel this way less and less. Even moments of apathy have never been so bad where I don't care about anything.
One of the frustrating things about teaching is dealing with student apathy. It's not just not caring about school. I can understand that. But it is those students that don't care about anything. They have no interests. They don't care about graduating. They only come to school so they don't go to jail or have to pay fines. (Our district files on them for truancy)
I cannot say I always make my class interesting to everyone. But I do try to come up with some projects that give students some freedom in choosing things that interest them. For example, the project they are now working on is writing a letter of request to any person they choose. It can be a celebrity, someone in government or anyone outside of their "box" so to speak. When I've assigned this project in the past, students have gotten autographed pictures from people like Cindy Crawford, Jim Carrey, Nicolas Cage, and other letters from George Bush Sr. and G.W. Bush (when he was governor). I think it's a fun project that teaches them how to write a proper letter.
Today they had to brainstorm five people that they would be interested in writing to and many couldn't think of a single person. Can you imagine being so self-involved that you care about nothing? That is the tough part about teaching. It's not so much discipline and the work... it's dealing with attitudes like that.
But what I learn to do is simply pick my battles. I can't make everyone do everything. I let them know what the consequences of not doing the assignments are. (Failing and having to take the class again... as it is a requirement before they graduate.) Then I just move on to those who do care. Sure it's frustrating, but soemtimes you just have to reach those you can and keep your hand extended for those that perhaps will one day learn to care.

Me and my big mouth

I wrote about the weather. How unseasonably warm it has been. So what do we get today? Snow! Well, it was just cold this morning and then turned to mushy, flaky stuff coming down this afternoon. So there's the first instance of opening my mouth. The second is asking if any students had decided if they wanted to try CX debate for the district tournament coming up. My co-teacher had said something about it earlier saying that if I wanted to take some kids that I could. I decided to leave it up to the students, but none had said anything about it. So I opened my mouth and mentioned it today. And now I have two CX teams to get ready for their first tournament in three weeks. Yes, that is three weeks to teach them how to debate and write a case and find evidence for and against the topic. On top of all of that, I have to get ready for the speech tournament at the end of the month AND my formal observation by my principal will be on the Wednesday before.
So if you don't see me around much or if you hear of my stint in the psych ward, you'll know why.

A Great Day!

I don't have days that I can say are just really great, but today is certainly an exception. I took kids to a speech tournament this weekend and it didn't start of great as I was judging a round of debate at the elementary school. And that in itself isn't terrible except there was no coaches lounge with goodies or a place to hang out other than the cafeteria. Then I judged a round of novice Lincoln-Douglas debate. And it was o.k. as far as a novice goes, other than the fact that they didn't incorporate any of their value and criteria into their case... but oh well. But the good news started shortly after that. As I was writing my ballot my phone rang. I was thankful that it didn't ring in the middle of the round. It was Josh. I figured he'd be calling me to let me know how he did at the area tryouts. MY SON MADE THE ALL-STATE BAND AS A FRESHMAN!!! Yeeee-haaawwww! I am so very excited about it. I couldn't believe it. I mean I knew he was talented. I've said so many times on here... but to make all-state as a freshman is quite a feat.
Shortly after that we got to go back to the high school and luckily I didn't have to judge any more. I spent the rest of the time in the tab room chatting with coaches and learning about the program I'll be using at our speech tournament. This guy that wrote it is quite a genius.
And then.... my team won the first place sweepstakes at the tournament AND they beat the other schools by almost twice as many points. It was truly a great day today.
I am quite certain that I made the right decision in choosing to teach where I am. Overall the kids there are really great and I am inheriting a really wonderful team. In case I haven't mentioned it lately... I am truly blessed.

Alone Again

Well, not so much in the respect that I'm not dating. That's just a way of life at the moment. No, I am here at home by myself tonight. Josh has gone to Lubbock for area band tryouts. I hope he does well. I admit it's probably not likely that he'll make it to state as a freshman, but I hope he does as well as he can. So I am home alone tonight. I brought some school work home, but am probably just fooling myself as to think I will actually do it. I could, perhaps, do some reading. But in all likelihood, I will plop myself down in front of the t.v. and just veg.
I may work on a post for my Catholic blog. Unlike this one, those posts take more time and thought. In here, I just pretty much type as I think.
So tonight I went to Wendy's and got a big bacon classic burger instead of trying to cook for one. And it was quite tasty. But I'm still hungry. I may have to go scrounge around my fridge soon.
I was thinking today about this alone time. It's not a problem right now. It's kind of nice to have the time to myself. But I don't know what I'm going to do when Josh goes to college. I really hope I'm married by then. I'm not sure what I'd do with myself if I were alone all.the.time. I'm sure I would manage as I always do, but my existence for pretty much most of my life has involved other people. Either my family at home, Josh, relationships etc. The only time I was ever really on my own was the brief first two years of college. It would be a kind of surreal experience. But I guess I'll jump that creek when I get to it.

Laughter, the best medicine

It's not that I've needed any medicine in regards to laughter. I haven't been down or depressed. Generally I'm too busy for such trivialities. Sure I had that brief bout of missing you-know-who, but it's passed for the time being. But I did get a shot of good humor last night. Josh, my friend Kirsten, and I went to the movies and saw The Producers. It was so.very.funny. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. If you haven't seen it, you must. I think Mel Brooks is a comical genius.
Started back to school today.. well.. with students that is. It wasn't terrible. I think I'll have some decent classes. Problem is that some classes are quite full with around 21-24 students in them. Other classes are extremely small... 9 or 10 students. Actually today there were only 5 & 8 students in those classes respectively. So if my classes stay at those numbers, when they perform speeches, some classes will take 3 days and others will take one. It's just weird.
I've got to get started on planning the speech tournament. It will be held at the end of the month, but there's so much to do. Luckily there's really great software and a website that schools use to sign up which makes the job much easier. You can check it out at www.joyoftournaments.com.
I'm sorry this post isn't very exciting, but bed calls.

Who Needs a Man Around?

Not me, I guess. Maybe I'm not completely helpless. I broke down today and got myself one of those One for All Remotes. You see, I have cable, a DVD player and a VCR all with their own remotes that can usually never be found. In fact I bought the remote because I have no idea where the DVD remote is. As you can probably guess, I decided not to go and do some work today. It's the last day of my vacation and I'm just going to enjoy it. So I decided to watch the special scenes on my special edition Titanic DVD that I got for my birthday. O.k. I'm a little slow on some of these things. Unfortunately because I don't have a remote, I can't go between choices on the main menu. So I go to the store and pick one up. In addition, I got a new A/V cable so I could hook up the DVD AND the cable at the same time without diminishing the picture. Aren't you amazed at how smart I am? And I did it all myself.
In addition to that, before I left for Albuquerque, I checked my oil and antifreeze on my own. I also happen to own a tire gauge. Aren't you impressed with my vast mechanical knowledge? O.k. so it's not such a big deal, but I am learning how to do what I can on my own. In fact for Christmas, I asked for and got a new cordless drill. I haven't found an occasion to use it yet, but am sure I will.

So I watched the special scenes on Titanic. And for the record, it is my favorite movie no matter what you may think with all the hype that has been associated with it. It was done very well and quite historically accurate, so there!

And when it was over, I watched the last part of the movie Love, Actually. Which is another great movie. And I had an epiphany moment or maybe it was just one of those little a-ha's. But in the movie, there's a scene where a guy that has been in love with another woman who is already married lets her finally know what she means to him. He stands outside her door hold posters and silently lets her read what he wants to say... which is basically that he'll always love her. And although he knows he can never have her, he does it just to get it out. And when it's over, he starts walking away and she runs out to give him a quick kiss and then goes back into her house to her husband. And as he's walking away he says "Enough. Enough, now." And that is my mantra in regard to you know who. Sorry, I can't mention his name. I told you that I wouldn't write about him any more. Sure, you know I'm lying, but I am making an effort here, o.k.?

And that's all I can say because the rest of my day deals with all the stuff I've been avoiding that I'm not going to write about. I really need some new material, huh? 

Sounds Good to Me

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Stop making silly resolutions. Get your resolution here

Unable to sleep

I tried to go to bed at a fairly decent hour, but haven't been able to sleep yet. (probably because of that nap I took earlier today) Oh well. I decided to get up and write. Before logging online, I wrote two pages in my private journal about Marty. I don't know why I've been thinking about him quite a bit lately. Actually I probably do know why. It's because I'm on vacation and I have too much extra time.
I won't rehash what is in my journal here. I'm sure my readers are probably sick of reading my posts about him. But my profound thought in my journal was whether or not it was Marty I missed or simply the relationship. Don't know if I'll ever know the answer to that. I probably will never get the answers to all the questions about him that circle in my head from time to time. Despite not having any answers I hope that one day I'll really be able to let go.
O.k. enough of that. The other thing I did tonight was make a post secret card. I don't know if I'll ever send it in, but it was kind of freeing just making it and printing it out. I have thoughts for other cards that I'd like to make. Perhaps I'll do what some others have done and that is make the postcards and then just burn them. Maybe I'll make one about Marty. Not that I've held anything back in regard to him. I've pretty much laid it all out here in my blog. Part of my therapy, you know?
I'm debating whether or not I want to go in and work in my room tomorrow. I certainly could use two days of work to perhaps get caught up and get ready for the new semester. I guess I'll play it by ear. I have to get some other things done though. I have to send my letter to Prison Pete. I haven't been a very good pen pal lately, but I am going to send him my blog updates. Although my house is still clean (thanks to throwing my New Year's thing), I still have quite a bit of laundry to catch up on. Imagine that. Is that all I write about? How my house is never clean, the laundry is never done and I'm always broke? Mmmm... guess I need to find new material to write about huh? Maybe I can go a month without mentioning something of the sort or comment about Marty. I know.. promises, promises.

Goals

For some reason this seems kind of fitting... my 500th blog is the first blog of 2006. I am amazed that I have written that much in the past year and a half. It's not quite a post per day, but still not bad. I talked to a guy online today that asked me if writing things down helped me deal with stuff. I explained to him that writing has always been therapeutic for me and getting it down even if only on paper helps in just getting it out there.

Some have asked why I put it all out there for the world to read. I don't know the answer to that exactly. Patrick is the one who got me started with it for the most part. I had a live journal once but didn't keep up with it much. But since starting this in May of 2004, it just kind of progressed.

Well, the title of this post is goals. Mind you it is not resolutions. If they were resolutions, I am certain I would break them. But here's a few goals I have in mind not just for 2006 but for my life.

1. Continue to grow in the Catholic faith
2. Write more
3. Read more
4. Worry less
5. Fall in love (with someone that loves me back)
6. Get healthier
7. Take vacations
8. Continue to make music a part of my life
9. Take time for myself once in a while
10. try to be a good parent

Of course this is a small list, but I think a pretty good one to focus on for the moment. I hope every had a wonderful 2005 and I wish you all blessing in 2006.