Too much thinking

Don't you hate that? I'm pondering a lot of things at the moment and not sure where to go with them. It's not stuff that I particularly want to share in my blog simply because of who some of my readers are. So I've got to do it on my own which means I'm becoming reflective and want to write... but not on here. So you'll just have to bear with me. Maybe I'll lay it all out here at some point, but for now I've got to deal with it myself.
So in other news, nothing is going on here. I've been totally lazy and although I'm enjoying it, I'm going to regret it soon. Josh and I went to Amarillo yesterday to visit my brother so that Josh could get his paycheck from him. I'm going to be babysitting my brother's kids one day next week while they're on vacation. So Tim showed me the stuff I needed to know before I take over for my sister (who is watching them starting this Friday). The kids are 5 months and 1 1/2... Lord help me! It's been so long since I've really dealt with young kids. I hope I can manage two of them!
We went to the store yesterday and spent a lot of money so I hope it all lasts for a while.
I'm going to head to Hereford shortly so I can see if one of my DVD's has been left in the player in my old room. I also need to visit with my principal about my schedule and see if there's any hope for me not going completely insane next year.

Thoughts on Marriage

**Warning** This will be a long post so bear with me.

So Marty and I had a lengthy conversation this weekend. We chatted online and got into a few "deep" subjects and something about the conversation grabbed on to me today. He told me first about the advice he gave his sister in regards to dating divorced men. He said, "You might have to wait awhile for them to let you in, cause if they are a good man and they were hurt once in a long term relationship they might be scared to get back into another because it scares the shit out of them to think that it could happen to them again. Men try to hide their emotions but a lot of them are worse then women." I thought that bit of information was good to know. As we continued to talk about marriage he indicated that the thought of it scares him to some degree. He said, "I'm not afraid of marriage, just afraid to get into another one that is going to fail, and I know there is no way to know what will happen in 10, 20,30 or 50 years in the future and the scares the hell out of me. I want to know the future."
I responded with "You can't (know the future)... but if you have faith in God and you have a marriage blessed by God... you've met half the battle... marriage takes a lot of work... and too many people give up too easily... but if you go into your next marriage the right way then you stand a good chance of it working."
So now, how do you go about it the right way? Are there things you can know before you take the leap to determine whether or not it's going to fail? There are a million books out there that you can read about how to find the right mate, how to stay married, how to do this or that.... but I think ultimately it boils down to just plain common sense and really being discerning before you jump into marriage. There's a lot of statistics out there as to the causes of divorce, but I think ultimately it is because too many people 1. Marry too soon 2. Marry the wrong person or 3. Marry for the wrong reason. So how do you know if you're ready, if it's the right person and if you're doing it for the right reasons? As I thought about this, I made a list of questions that I think you should ask yourself (about yourself and your partner) first. If you answer them honestly, I think they can give you an indication as to whether or you're ready to commit to marriage and that person. Although it is a somewhat exhaustive list, it is certainly not complete. Not every answer has a definite right or wrong way to answer but you should consider the significance of the issues before you make any major decisions.

Do you love them for who they are and not for what they can do for you?
Do they love you for who you are and not what you do for them? (Not just a means to an end)

Can you see yourself growing old with this person?
Can you see yourself having fun with them for many years?
Do like being around this person the majority of the time?
Do you like their company?

Do you get along with their family?
Do they get along with yours?
Do the families approve of your choice?
Is their family supportive of you?
Are you willing to spend time with their family?
Are they willing to spend time with your family?

Can you talk openly with this person? Do you hold anything back? If so, why?
Are you both willing to openly communicate with each other?
Can you express your love easily towards them?
Do you feel loved by them?

Do you have things in common with the person?
Do you have your own interests you can pursue?
Are they open to letting you pursue your interests?
Are you open to letting them pursue their interests?
Do you have interests that you can pursue together?
Can you travel together?

Are you willing to make time for this person?
Are they willing to make time for you?
Will you make this person a priority?
Are you a priority for them?
Do your priorities in life mesh?

Do they make you smile when you think about them?

Are you morals and values similar?
Do you have several shared values?
Do you both generally want the same things in the future? (Living space, location, family, religion, money, etc.)

Do you respect this person?
Do they respect you?

Is there anything about them that bothers you? If so, is it significant enough that it cannot be overlooked?
Do you have any resentment toward the person?
Do they have any resentment toward you?
Can you forgive them for their weaknesses?
Do you love them in spite of any faults they may have?

Do you trust them?
Do they trust you?
Can you be honest with them?
Are they honest with you?

Do you fight? Often?
If you fight, what do you fight about? Are they major issues that could be detrimental to a marriage?
Are you able to resolve conflicts when they occur?
Do you disagree on several issues?
Are you and the other person willing and able to resolve conflicts when they arise?

Are you willing to sacrifice for the other person?
Are they willing to sacrifice for you?
Do you want to make them happy?
Do they make you happy?

Would you fight to keep this person in your life?
Would you still love the person if they changed physically?

Do you or your partner have any significant problems that would cause problems in the marriage? (addictions, emotional, psychological problems, etc.)
Do you or your partner have any indications of physical, sexual or emotional abuse?

Can you agree on finances and how money should be spent in your marriage?
Are you willing to provide for the other person? (financially, emotionally, etc.)
Are they willing to provide for you?
Can you accept and work around the other person’s choice of career?
Can they accept and work around your choice of career?

Do you have the same desire for having a family?
If you already have children, do they like this person?
If they have children, do their children like you?

Are both willing to put God at the center of the marriage?

Is your intent to marriage truly for better or worse, richer for poorer, forsaking all others, until death parts you?

Why do you want to marry them? What do you expect to gain by marrying them?

Of course, there's no sure fire guarantee that even if you ask all these questions and have what you think are all the right answers that you will never get divorced. Circumstances change, people change and sometimes there's just no other option. Sometimes it's that Jekyll and Hyde thing where you think you know someone and they turn out to be very different than you thought. I don't necessarily condone divorce and really think it should be avoided if possible, but there are situations where it is ultimately necessary. But I still think there would be less divorce if people went into marriage the right way with the right person and with the right attitude in the first place.

So that's my list. What are you thoughts? Are there questions that you would add? Are there some that you felt shouldn't be asked? If you've been married and divorced, what were the issues in your marriage (if you're willing to share)? If you're married, are you happily married? If so, what advice would you give to other couples?

So much for getting started

I've had good intentions, does that count? So far I've spent the day crocheting... still need to get that blanket done by tomorrow. I spent a while on the computer looking up scholarship stuff for Josh. It's time to get started on all of that stuff as well. I am hoping that he'll be able to get enough in scholarships, grants, and workstudy to pay for college so that he won't have to take out any loans. That would be nice.
I got a nice surprise in the mail today. I received a $25 gift card to the Country Barn steakhouse. It was a thank you from the manager for having our reunion there. Josh and I will use it for dinner some evening. My son is the only date I've had in the last three years with the brief exception of Marty during the reunion. At least my son good company and I don't have to dread making conversation like the last "official" date I had three years ago. I briefly wrote about it but didn't go into details since the guy was reading my blog at the time. But honestly, it was a horrible date. It was enough to turn me away from meeting people online because it is really hard to get to know someone that way. Exceptions might be if it were someone who blogged regularly but a few IM conversations does not really allow you to get to know someone. O.k. I'm exaggerating slightly... it wasn't a nightmare kind of date, but perhaps I just got used to being treated differently. First, he didn't really look like any of the pictures he had. Second, we met at Barnes and Noble in the coffee shop and I had to stand in line to buy my own drink. Third, he went on and on about his electronic music and didn't ask me any questions about myself. Fourth, I paid for the popcorn and drinks since he paid for the tickets... which wouldn't have really been a big deal had I suggested it or if we discussed it beforehand... but I'm getting to the age where if a guy asks me out and he's over 30, I kind of expect him to pay... but maybe that is being selfish? We really had nothing much in common and he just wasn't anything like I thought he'd be. He asked if he could kiss me and I told him that I don't kiss on a first date. (Which isn't exactly true, but sometimes you gotta make the excuses.)
O.k. enough about my sorry love life. I'm going to finish the blanket tonight and tomorrow I'll start cleaning. Summer offered trading pictures of our garages as an incentive to clean... but I would be money that mine would win for most disgusting. If I can get to it... I'll post a picture tomorrow.

Going to have to stop being lazy

It's getting to be that time. I have several things I need to accomplish in the next couple of weeks before school starts. I still need to clean the house thoroughly (at least start the year with a clean house and garage). I need to get ready for the yearbook workshop that I'm teaching on the 11th. I'm using mostly the same material as I have in the past, but am going to try to change it up a little. I need to get ready for handing out yearbooks at registration as well as pre-selling next year's books. I need to take Josh shopping for some school clothes and make an appointment for his senior pictures and get him fitted for his class ring. (Yeah, we should have ordered last year, but didn't have the money at the time...my aunt and uncle sent money a while back and it's been sitting in savings.) I have two books that I ordered from Amazon and would like to read them before school starts - they're not long but they're non-fiction so more concentration is needed. I need to schedule a hair appointment before school starts. I've never had a real hair stylist but I'm going to try to get an appointment with one of my classmates that I found out is a stylist and has a shop in town. That way it won't be awkward in making small talk.
Now on to today's activities. I got up early this morning (for summer that is) and went to daily Mass at 8:30. Afterwards I headed to Amarillo to get another skein of yarn to finish the baby blanket I'm working on. I came back home and then Josh called for me to come pick up his stuff from his dorm. He finally was able to get checked out a little before 11:00 and I brought him home so he could take a shower before his rehearsal since the dorm didn't have hot water this morning. We headed back to the campus at 11:20 and I listened to the Concert band before his band came on. His band did o.k. but I don't think it was the best concert. They tried playing some music that was very challenging for them and it just wasn't all that impressive. Last week's concert was much better. We stayed to listen to the Honor's band concert which was very good. Afterwards we went to lunch at Feldman's. Josh had Shrimp fettucine alfredo and I had the chicken fried chicken with corn and mashed potatoes and gravy. It was very yummy. We came home and I crocheted a little bit until I had to go take a check to give to my friends that are coming home with their adopted baby this weekend. I came home after that and chatted with Marty online for a couple of minutes. We were both tired so we decided to take naps. Now I'm up and am going to continue to crochet and get as much done on the blanket as I can. I'm still not hungry but may need to make something for dinner in while.

Time to get moving

I tried going to bed early last night. I felt tired and so I read a little and then turned out the lights around 10:30. At 11:30, I was still awake so I gave up. I took 1/2 a tylenol p.m. and then came and made the rosary that will be fore my friend's new baby. Then I got back in bed and crocheted until I felt the drugs kicking in. Of course that means I slept in late this morning. I just emailed my principal about my concerns on teaching comm. app. next year. We'll see what happens with that, but I figured that nothing would change if I didn't ask. I offered the possibility of teaching the classes in the fall only and we'll see if he bites on that one. The spring is so full of activities that I barely functioned last year with just three classes.
Today we play our two concerts for director's band. Thankfully the music this year isn't too bad and I can play almost all of it. I could probably have gotten it all if I could have practiced, but since Josh and I are sharing the clarinet, it makes it difficult. I've got to start looking into buying him his own clarinet. The problem is that a new one will cost about $2700. If I could find a decent used one, I'd buy it, but the problem is finding it. There are several on ebay, but you never know what you'll get on there so there's risk involved. I guess I'll keep my eye out.
Josh comes home tomorrow. It will be nice to have him back. I've talked to him a couple of times at camp and he seems to be having a good time. He was, however, upset with the lack of etiquette shown at some of the concerts. I really wish that students understood how rude it is to talk during a performance or to put their feet up on the seats. You'd think that band students would have been taught those things.
Well, it's time for lunch so I better go find something to eat.

A bit frustrated

I went up to the high school today to get a yearbook so I could look at it. While there I asked my principal about my schedule next year. He took me to the counselor's office so I could look at it. Lo and behold, I've been given two comm. app. classes. That means I will have to prepare for four different classes. I am not happy about this. Since they didn't replace the other coach that quit and had two comm.app. classes, I guess they decided that I needed to take up the slack even though when he asked me if I wanted yearbook I told him I'd take it IF I didn't have to teach comm. app. I told him that last year our classes were really small and that it should be possible to spread it out with the new teacher (speech/theatre arts) taking all the comm. app. but he didn't think so saying that they all had about 18 students. I'm not buying that. Given the fact that they are encouraging 8th graders to take the class (which is stupid, but they do it) and that with 7 sections of the class last year and the classes averaged probably 12-16 students, I think it would be possible to change that to be spread over 5 classes instead of 7 which is what the new teacher has been given. I'm going to email him my suggestion for getting rid of the classes and see what he says. If he doesn't get rid of them, well... the class will suffer because it will not be my priority.
After that, I went to the admin building to drop off my laptop so that windows could be installed and it turns out that the guy that is supposed to do it is gone for two weeks... go figure. So in that respect, it was a frustrating morning.
I came home and picked up a salad for lunch and then continued reading. I really wanted to take a nap, but couldn't since it was almost time to leave for band. I went to band and then after I got back, I headed up to Amarillo to get stuff for baby gifts for my choir director. She and her husband just adopted a baby and will be coming back this weekend. I got some yarn for a baby blanket and then I got some beads for a rosary. I ate dinner while up there (Taco Villa - a meat burrito grande and a taco) and got home around 7:15. I've started the blanket and am a couple of rows in. Marty and I keep missing each other on Instant Messenger. We talked for about 2 hours last night as he was on his last leg home. He had 120 miles to go and I guess he was getting a little sleepy so I talked to him as he drove through the many Florida keys.
I'm pretty tired, but going to stay up a while and just call it an early night... maybe. I keep saying that and then end up staying up hours past the time I intend to go to bed. Oh well, it's summer and I can do that if I want to.

Last Week of Relaxation

This will be my last week of relaxing before things start getting busy again. Yesterday I went to the 11:15 Mass. I talked to Marty before I went to church for a little bit but the signal cut out as he was driving so I didn't worry about calling him back. He had called me back around 12:15 but I missed the call since I was in church and I called him back after I got out. This morning he called me again to let me know where he was (close to Mobile, AL) so he's making good progress.
I haven't cleaned the house like I should, but I plan to get that done sometime this week. I don't know if that will include the entire garage, but I'll hopefully make a dent. I've been re-reading the Harry Potter books this past week and I've finished all but the last one which I'll start this evening and probably finish sometime tomorrow. I also got a new book in the mail today that I want to get started on as well called "The Love that Satisfies" by Christopher West. I ordered another book that hasn't shipped yet. I don't know if I'll get to both of them before I have to go back to school. I hope so because I probably won't have time after school starts.
I've sent my online advising memo to my grad school adviser and now I just have to wait to register on August 18. Classes start a week later. I'm still nervous but kind of excited at the same time. I just hope I can do this.
I got an email from my principal today. The yearbooks have already arrived at the school. Thankfully, he had them put up in one of the storage areas at the school. Tomorrow I'll go up there and pick one up so I can check it out. I'll also take my macbook and drop it off to the technology guy at admin so he can get windows installed.
Well, I'm a little tired since I didn't go to bed until 1:30 or so last night. I got up earlier than I wanted to this morning. But I need to go to the store and get a few things. I don't know what I want to make for dinner. I have a steak being thawed. That might be good, but I don't have anything to go with it. Maybe a baked potato would be good. Well, I guess I should head out and take care of that stuff.

Titles for dull posts are hard

There's not much to tell really. I was up late reading and slept until about 9:30. I picked up Josh around 12:30 and he and my friend Kirsten and I went to lunch at a Thai restaurant. We didn't get very good service at all. I think the girl was kind of new, but it took forever for her to take our drink order and then the dinner order and then about 15 minutes after we had all finished eating we asked for the check and that's when she said that it was at the register - as if I was supposed to know this. My friend had been wanting a to-go box and you would think a wait person would notice things like that. Oh well. Then I dropped my friend off and Josh and I came home. He watched the episode of Monk that I recorded and then he left to go see the new batman movie which he said was amazing. He barely made it back in time though. He had to be at his warm up by 7:00 and didn't get back until 6:30. He didn't get back to his dorm until about a quarter to so he had to change very fast. I hope he made it. I'm leaving in just a few minutes to go to his concert which is at 8:00. I didn't do much of anything today besides read and watch a little t.v.

A Very Big Step

Today I accepted and electronically signed a promissory note for a graduate school loan. I have to say that I'm a little scared, but sometimes you just have to jump. I also updated my start date to the fall semester since I couldn't start this summer as planned. I was going to put it on hold with my schedule being what it is next year, but I decided that I'm never going to not be busy and I just need to go ahead with it. I don't know if I'm crazy, but I guess I'll find out. I am a little excited though. I always loved being in school (mostly). I loved learning things that I was interested in and doing research - I've always been nosy and never do anything without checking things from every angle.
Today was pretty uneventful other than going through the loan process - including online counseling. I went to band at 3:30 and then came home and took a nap. I got up around 6:30 and then ran to Sonic to pick up dinner. (Burger and tots) I watched the new season episodes of Monk and Psych and now it's getting close to bed time. I was looking at my site meter stats a little while ago and for some reason a lot of people have been doing searches on Prison Pete and ending up here. It's not that strange given that it was my recommendation that made him a blog of note several years ago, I'm just wondering why all the searches happened today. I'm not sure how many of my regular readers are familiar with his blog, but he hasn't been posting much lately though he did have a spurt of posts earlier this spring. I feel bad that I haven't written him. I've been in actual contact with him through letters from time to time. It's probably been a year since I've written since it seems the only time I have is in the summer. I guess I should write again soon before school starts again.
It's going to start sooner that I want but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. The yearbooks will be shipped sometime next week so I've got to get ready for that and then we'll be handing them out at registration as well as taking orders for next year. I've also got to get ready for the yearbook workshop I'm teaching in August. Well, I guess that's all the update for now. Going to read some more and then head to bed soon.

Taking it easy

That's what I've been doing the past few days. I'm feeling a little guilty but I am going to start the dishwasher tonight. I went to bed around 10 last night and slept until about 8:00. I've been sitting in my chair watching t.v. and reading most of the day. This afternoon, I went to the post office and mailed another batch of reunion books. Then I went to visit one of the reunion committee members and gave her the receipt. We visited for a bit and then I ran by the bank for her to make a deposit. I came home with just a few minutes to spare before I needed to head to director's band. I'm getting better with my playing but I probably do need to practice some. Problem is that Josh and I are still sharing the clarinet so I can't bring it home to practice. I talked to him a little bit today. He wants me to pick him up on Saturday so he can go to the movies.
I got a letter about my financial aid today. I have to go through a bunch more stuff to get it and have some references. That shouldn't be a problem - I have great references, but I hope my credit glitches from my divorce doesn't cause problems. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
Tonight I went to a dinner thing for the adults at band camp. They had rice and kabobs which were pretty good, but kind of hard to eat. I just got home a little while ago and am going to continue to take it easy.

Not much to tell

Yesterday I went to director's band rehearsal. It was good. Some of the music is a little difficult for me. Hopefully I'll get it down by the concert next week. Josh was able to move up to symphonic band. I don't know if it's because we have some connections in the music department, but thankfully they realized that he's a better player than his audition portrayed. Hopefully he can move up with his chair test on Saturday.
Last night I went to dinner with my friend Pam. We went to a new Mexican restaurant that is in the building that used to be my favorite restaurant. Turns out that it's the same restaurant that is here in town, but it was still good. Talked about Marty a little bit so his ears should have been burning. So far we've talked briefly on the phone twice (Sun. & Mon.) and online yesterday. His computer is having issues so I probably won't see him online again until he gets back to Florida in a week.
I finally went to bed at a fairly normal hour last night and was up by 7:00 this morning. I decided to go to Mass but it has been canceled this week because our priest is sick. I went to the store instead to get yet more cat food. Now I'm not sure what I want to do. I should do some cleaning but I'm not motivated right now.
I think I'm going to do some more reading and take it easy.

Just a blah day

I just moped around most of the day today. The drugs knocked me out eventually and I was in bed until 11:30 this morning. I didn't do much of anything today since I felt drugged, tired and drained. I'm feeling better so hopefully I'll be back to normal by tomorrow.
Josh had a horrible try-out today and only made Concert band 9th chair. That's a major setback for him being knocked down so low. Hopefully he'll make the most out of it but I'm sure he's disappointed as am I. Oh well. Tomorrow I'll be going to director's band rehearsal. That will be fun.
I don't have anything else to tell... it's been a very dull and boring day. I need to get out of the house.

Sick - Ugh

I think Marty was kind enough to share some kind of germs with me. I didn't hear from him all day but he called me around 7:30 this evening and said that he was still in Hereford because he woke up feeling sick this morning and stayed in bed most of the day. I started feeling sick around 3 or 4 this afternoon. I wasn't sure if it was just allergies but I'm a bit miserable. I'm feeling a tad better since I took a zyrtec, but still have some sniffling, sneezing and feeling achy. I just took an aleve and hope that helps a little. I went to bed around 8:45 and didn't really sleep but just needed to lie down. I just got up a short while ago to take the aleve and thought I should post.
I went to early Mass this morning despite not sleeping very well. I fell right to sleep around 11:00 last night but was awake around 4:00 and didn't really fall back to sleep. I went to the early Mass since Josh wanted to go register for band camp at 12:30. I picked up donuts after church and then I laid back down for about an hour and a half. I got up at noon and helped Josh load the car with all his stuff. It may seem weird that he stays in the dorm when we live in the same town where the camp is, but I know from experience that being in the dorm makes camp more fun. We went up there at 12:30 and there was a lengthy line but it moved pretty quickly until we got to the line for private lessons. People couldn't make up their mind and it took forever to get up there so Josh could schedule a lesson with his teacher. From there we took his stuff to the dorm and unloaded it. It would have been nice if one of these years he could have had a room on the bottom floor. But we got his stuff up there but I realized the top sheet I had brought had a stain on it so I told him I'd bring him another one later. I then came home and heated my leftover spaghetti and meatballs for lunch and watched t.v. a bit. I then took another nap since I was still tired (and probably was getting sick but didn't really notice it). I got up and watched more t.v. and read some. I really started to feel miserable around 6:00 this evening but didn't want to take any medicine too early. I called Josh and told him to call me back when his dorm meeting was over so I could take him his sheet. Around 7:15 I decided that I couldn't cook so I picked up McDonald's. Right when I got back home Marty called so I talked to him for a bit (and figured out why I was sick... but I'm not complaining!!) I ate my dinner and then Josh called a little after 8:00. I took him the sheet and then took my zyrtec. I came back and finished watching design star and read a little until I started feeling sleepy and I guess you know the rest.
Tomorrow Josh has auditions and I hope he makes Honors band this year. He's barely missed it the last two years being 2nd and then 1st chair in the symphonic band. I hope he makes it as a senior as this could be his last band camp.
Well, I think I'm going to head back to bed and try to get over this cold or whatever it is I have.

A Great Day

I couldn't have asked for more. I know some of you are dying for details so here goes. Marty got here about 1:00. I took him to the museum since he hadn't been there since high school. We spent about an hour and a half there. We held hands and touched as we went through the exhibits. He was hungry afterwards so we went to Feldman's to eat. We were there 10 minutes before anyone came to wait on us. I have never received that kind of service there so hopefully it was a fluke. Marty had the chicken fried steak and I had an oriental salad that came with way too much dressing. From there we went to the park and walked around the pond a few times and just visited. After than I took him to my church so he could see the new building. We went in and walked around and I pointed out things to him. I told him he could go to confession if he wanted, but he declined. After that we went to Sonic to get drinks and then we talked about where we were. He said that he still had feelings for me but he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship again. I got more of the whys behind our breakup from him which I understood. I told him that things will work out the way they're supposed to happen and that I just wanted our friendship back and to communicate again. He also said that I sounded like his mother and that she thought that we should get back together. After that we came back to the house because he was tired and wanted to take a nap. Well, I can't say that he took a nap. We cuddled and kissed instead. I really missed that. I have to say it was very, very hard to not go further and Marty didn't play nice. But being the good Catholic girl that I am we didn't venture into that territory... at least not too far.
Then we went to the movies and saw Hancock. It was a good movie and we held hands throughout the movie. After that we went to Johnny Carinos and had dinner. We just got back about 30 minutes ago and he just left about 15 minutes ago. I kissed him good-bye and hugged and told him to call once in a while and when he's online to say "hi". So that's where it is. We're not back together but I'm hopefully and cautiously optimistic. I still care about him. The feelings are still there on both our parts, we just have to take it one step at a time. If it works out for us, that would be great, but if not, I can deal with that as well. I had a great day with him. I have missed the laughing and just his friendship. Certainly the holding hands and kissing is wonderful as well, but I just miss him. Today it was like we had never been apart and stepped right into where we had once been. We talked about the issues we had last time - both us getting right out of our marriages and the distance issues among other things. I told him that I don't regret the time with him, but it wasn't necessarily great timing for us - even though some great things came out of it. We talked about Church and he's not ready to really go there yet, but he is giving it thought. He knows that for me it will be a big part of me and it is something he has to accept and respect which he does. I'm in a better place now and if it's meant to be it will happen. Could I get hurt again? Sure - but I've decided sometimes it's worth the risk.

About Marty

Here's a very brief scoop on Marty. He was a boyfriend I had in high school that asked me homecoming the night before and then we dated for a couple of months. We briefly hooked up again (meaning we spent time making out/kissing) my freshman year in college. He then left to join the coast guard and I didn't hear from him for a long time. He called me about 8 years after that and just chatted. Then he found me again on classmates.com in 2004 when I was going through a divorce and he had just gotten divorced. Despite it being a long distance relationship, we dated again for about 9 months. I fell very much in love with him, but things just didn't work out. He didn't know what he wanted and I had some clingy/emotional issues that didn't bode well for him so we broke up in April 2005. Since then we've intermittently talked (about every few months or so) until recently. Now things are up in the air again because I still have feelings for him (guardingly cautious) and he said he had feelings for me. But I don't know where that leaves us if anywhere. If you want to read all the scoop, click on the label below "Marty" and it will take to you about 128 posts about him.
He's on his way from Hereford (believe it or not) so we'll see what happens today. No hopes or expectations. I'd just like a pleasant day.
Actually...I found the best recap if you click here.

10 Lb Mark

Well, I think I've officially lost 10 pounds. I know it's not much and it took forever to lose, but I'm happy with that amount for now. I'd like to lose more but I need more motivation. Today was an uneventful day. I did some laundry, a little cleaning, and went to the store. I also took my car to the car wash and vacuumed it out. I got a new phone and answering machine. Mine has been dying and you can't see the caller id numbers. I thought it might be the battery, but by the time I bought two new batteries, it was almost the cost of a new phone.
As far as I know, I'll see Marty tomorrow. I won't hold my breath, however. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if something came up or something happens or if he just changes his mind. There may be some feelings there, but I'm not certain that anything has really changed. Call me pessimistic, skeptical or whatever, but I think it would be foolish to make any kind of assumptions on my part. I hope that I can spend the afternoon with him and talk to him and see what's going on, but he's had several days away which means he could have shut down in that time. So who knows what will happen. I'll give you a full report afterwards - if we should actually meet.
Well, I finally got to watch a double episode of Monk that I missed last year. The new season starts this Friday.
Well, not much more to report. We'll just wait and see what happens tomorrow.

Slowing Down

I have to say that it's been nice to not be under any stress the last couple of days. I've stayed up as long as I've wanted and slept in as late as I've wanted. I'm a little bored though. Oh sure, I could be cleaning out my garage, but I think I'll start that next week while Josh is at band camp. I read a book yesterday and did some laundry. I did some dishes but haven't done much more than that cleaning-wise. I'm hopeful that I'll get some of that done today. My principal called me yesterday to confirm some things for next year. I'll be getting stipends for speech team, yearbook, UIL coordinator and Dept. Head. Woo hoo! I probably won't notice it in my paycheck, however. I'm going add Josh on to my dental insurance and that will take out a big chunk. Health insurance costs go up every year so my check could be less than I was getting last year overall despite a raise of about $2100.
I just got back from the post office mailing out the first set of reunion books. I'll have to make another trip next week for those that haven't sent their money in. I need to spend some time today working on all my websites. That could be a full time job in itself. Oh... I think I've decided to go ahead with grad school. The money is there; I've been accepted; and there's never going to be a time where things aren't busy so I might as well jump in and just make the time. I'm going to accept the subsidized loan and the grant and reject the unsubsidized loan. They're offering me more money than I need. Well, I gotta go make something for lunch so I'll catch ya'll later.

Need to make a decision

I still haven't made the decision regarding grad school next year. I still want to get my master's degree but I'm worried about having the time to do it... but at the same time, there won't be much difference in me doing it this next year versus waiting another year. I either need to bite the bullet or not. If I accept the financial aid package, I have to go forward and take at least six hours each semester. A part of me thinks that since I've already gone to the trouble to do what it takes to get accepted that I should just jump in. If I don't, I may never get around to it. However, time will be a major issue next year. I will be in charge of the speech team, the yearbook, UIL coordinator, and a department head. Thankfully I'll get several stipends to go along with those, but my time will be limited. But if I can get rid of my comm. app. classes, I may be able to manage. I just don't know yet. I'm going to make a decision by tomorrow.
Today I slept in and didn't do much. I took my cousin to Taco Villa today. It's one of her favorite places to eat and she doesn't get to go there except when she visits as she lives in San Diego. We got back and I went to pay the rest of Josh's band camp fees. Somehow I thought it was less than it actually was. I'm going to have to do some creative budget balancing the rest of the month. Thankfully Josh will pay for his own extra stuff this time... lessons and the Wonderland trip.
Tonight I'm going to sit in my chair and do some reading and just take it easy.

A Very Lazy Day

I think I deserved it. I stayed in my pajamas all day. I got up around 7:45 as my aunt and uncle were getting ready to leave. They asked if I wanted to go to breakfast, but I was still tired and wasn't hungry. I turned on the t.v. and started watching Monk, but went back to bed at 8:30. I got up a few hours later and just sat around today. I watched t.v., read blogs, and really didn't do much at all.
I talked to Marty briefly. He's enjoying the time in Albuquerque with his family and just having some down time. He'll be coming back through on Thursday or Friday and hopefully we'll get to have dinner before he heads up to Connecticut.
I updated the website a little bit and will mail out some reunion books tomorrow. My cousin, Amanda, is here visiting. She came over tonight so that she could watch The Bachelorette. Her husband may try to find a job around here so that would be great if they moved back here.
Well, I'm going to sit here and do more of nothing.

It's Finished!

Pictured: William Asquith (my prom date), Kirsten Nelson (my best friend), Marty (My homecoming date), Me, Blaine Hufnagle, Brent Wilson, John Brewer. We were all in band together.
I had an amazing time at the reunion. I have to say it's probably one of the best times I've had. It was a huge success and I was on cloud nine most of the evening. It was a bit ironic really... Marty and another h.s. friend came over after the tour of the new high school to change for the banquet. After we were all ready to go I noted that I was going to be going to my 20 year high school reunion banquet with my homecoming date (Marty) and my prom date (William). We left around 4:45 so we could get there early to set up the computer equipment. I had a moment of panic when I couldn't find my Mac adapter. I was going to send the guys to best buy to get another one, but told them to check the other computer bag first. Thankfully it was in there. Then I couldn't figure out why the DVD wouldn't start at the beginning. I finally solved that problem. We seemed to get a late start on the banquet and the group picture took a while because nobody would listen. Then the food wasn't ready until 7:15. I went through the line first since I had to get the computer stuff ready.

We started the door prizes, elementary picture reveal and such around 8:00. I think the video was a success. The last song on it was "Friends are Friends Forever" by Michael W. Smith which seems to always make people cry... I didn't notice so much as we pushed ahead with the awards. I didn't win most eligible bachelorette, but I was an honorable mention. The dance didn't start until close to 10:00 and we originally intended to start it around 8:30. Oh well. I had a blast dancing and worked up a good sweat. Marty was supposed to be in charge of my alcohol intake, but I think he wanted me to get a little drunk. I didn't get plastered, but I did get a bit tipsy with four rum and cokes (spaced throughout several hours... but the last two were really strong).

My friend Kirsten asked if Marty and I were dating again. This is because we were being close and touchy (rubbing backs, standing close, whispering etc.). Marty said "No" but then I piped up saying that even though we weren't, he still had a crush on me. He then came back with "I can neither confirm nor deny that." His actions, however, were a bit more obvious. He didn't want to dance really, but I did get him out on the dance floor during "Shout". We stayed together pretty much all night and I'm sure there was quite a bit of whispering going on about it. The last song of the evening was a slow dance and we did dance to that. I have to say that I rather enjoyed that. Afterwards, Marty brought his truck around to the door by the banquet room and helped take all the stuff out there. We said a lot of good-byes to everyone. I got a lot of hugs and many more thank-yous from all sorts of people telling me that they appreciated all the work I did. I tried to remain humble about it and I hope I was successful. It did feel really good though. I can't tell you how exhausted I was once we finally got into his truck. He held my hand on the way back to Canyon and it wasn't that tingly, excited feeling that I would normally get, but it was a comfortable, right kind of feeling. It's like putting on that cozy pair of slippers that just makes you go ahhhhh.
We got home and took all the stuff into the house and then I went out to the truck to say good-bye as he still had to drive to Hereford to his brother's house. We hugged and he gave some kisses on my head. He then said, "You're right. I do still have feelings for you." I told him that it was o.k. and that I'm not in any rush and that if something happens, that's fine and if not, that's o.k. too. More hugs followed and a little more talk. I told him that I hadn't had a date in three years and he asked if I was waiting for some "asshole" to come around. I told him.. "could be." We had a brief kiss and then he made go in and told me to go to bed. He headed to Albuquerque today and is supposed to come back on Thursday. I may see him on Friday for lunch or dinner before he heads up to Connecticut to see his daughters.
So where is my head in all of this? I felt really, really happy after the evening and went to bed smiling. I saw my friend Carol at Church this morning and she said that I was glowing. Do I think we're going to get back together? I don't know. I have no expectations. What I would like is for us to open up some communication channels and just start talking again. I'd like to get back into the friendship we had before - unclouded by sex. I miss having him as a friend. We've stayed on friendly terms but it has always seemed to be stifled. I think we've both tip-toed around each other in fear of opening up a can of worms. I think he worries that I would get clingy and over-emotional if he showed interest. I worry that he thinks that I would be like that.
I don't know where we are headed - if anywhere. But regardless, everything will turn out like it is supposed to. He may still have feelings but he has a lot to consider because I'm not the same person that I was when we got together in 2004. I think ultimately that is a good thing, but in his eyes it may not be. And that's o.k. I am happy with who I am. Do I still have feelings for him? Certainly. There's always been something there even when I stopped being "in love" with him.
All I know is that regardless of whether I see him on Friday or not - if we start communicating again or not - if he goes back to Key West and returns to the state of only contacting me every 6 months or so - I will still be satisfied with the moment we had at the reunion. I don't know if it would be a mistake to pursue anything but I'm just going to go with what feels right and hope that after 38 years I start listening accurately to both my heart and head and make the right decisions. I think I'm at least on the right track.
Those of you that have been on the journey of Marty and me since the beginning may have some input and I welcome it all regardless of whether you're happy about the recent events or not.
Well, the sleeping pill that I took about an hour ago is finally taking its toll. I really need a good night's sleep that I haven't had in what seems like forever. Thanks for being my sounding board. I needed to get all this out in writing.

Bet you thought you wouldn't hear from me...

At least until sometime tomorrow. The reunion is going on. I should be taking a nap right now as I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night. No reason other than reunion stuff going through my head for several hours.
So here's a brief recap for now:
Many people have come up to me and said "thank you" for all the work I've done on the reunion. They seem to be very impressed with the website and the books. I've been very flattered by it all. And many of these are people that wouldn't have given me the time of day in high school.
Marty came in yesterday morning and picked me up and we went to the Donut Stop and got donuts. We then went to the registration table and shared the donuts and he got his shirt and stuff. We sat around there for a while visiting with people that came to register. Around 9:30 we left to go the parade waiting area. We visited with people that came to participate for an hour until it was time to do the parade. We walked the entire mile or so route throwing candy and waving and such.
Josh came and picked us up afterwards and took us back to the hotel to Marty's truck. Marty and I then headed to Amarillo to get an ink cartridge for my printer and then we ate lunch at Applebee's. (He paid)
We then went to Walmart to get a few more things and stopped by a liquor store to get some rum. Afterwards we came back here and just sat for a while in front of the t.v. and I think we both dozed with about a 20 minute cat nap. Shortly thereafter it was time to go set up for the mixer. We went there and Marty helped with the set up. A lot of people showed up and again thanked me for the all the work. We left at 9:00 and came over here to watch fireworks. A few friends from high school came over and we visited a while before the show started at 10:00.
Afterwards we visited more and I didn't go to bed until about 12:30 and I didn't fall asleep until about 3:30.
It's been interesting to have Marty here. I'd be lying if I said some feelings weren't going on. I don't think it is just on my part either. He's been a little flirtatious and touchy. Last night before he left we hugged and he gave me an awkward kiss on the forehead. I told him I had missed him and he said that he had missed me too. And then he left to go back to Hereford. We hung out together at the picnic today and will be going up to the banquet together tonight. That's all I'm going to say at this point and will update more later. How's that for a teaser?

Back again

I'm home. I'm tired, but not as much as I thought I would be. I was up at 6:40 this morning. I went to an 8:30 workshop on taking digital pictures. It was good, but a lot of it was stuff that I already knew... just a little more info and some new stuff I learned in photoshop. I then went to a session on making powerpoints interactive and then a session on free publishing and art programs. I went over to the mall to have lunch (I just had a burger and fries from Dairy Queen... lame, I know, but I had tried most of the other things already and I just wanted a burger.) Then I headed back to the hotel with about an hour and a half to spare before we were going to head to airport. Thankfully everyone else got back early and we left early. That just put us at the airport longer, but it took a while to get through the security line because EVERYONE was flying out today. I sat and worked on my video stuff for about an hour and then went to get some dinner since we wouldn't have another chance. I got home around 10:00, petted all the animals and now I'm going to bed. It will be a long, full day tomorrow. I have to go to Amarillo to pick up the books and then meet the committee to work on reunion stuff, and then I've got to clean house. I can't believe it's already here... I'm not sure that I'm really ready. I'm not thrilled with the video, but hopefully the book will make up for that. The elementary picture thing is good and I think the powerpoints will be fun.
Well, I know it's not much of a report and I'm not sure I'll have time to write much while the reunion stuff is going on, but I'll try if I can. Summer... did you read my response in the comments on the previous post?