Saturday, October 02, 2010

Nothing like procrastination

First of all, most of you know that Andrew is now back.  I’m happy that he’s returned and that he is safe.  I don’t know if that means I’ll lose the recent visitors to my blog.  My stats rose considerably in the last few days with people looking for news on Andrew.  But I do appreciate those that stopped by and hope you’ll return every once in a while.  I know my blog isn’t very exciting most of the time, but you never know when I might get a date sometime in the next 4 or 5 years. 

So I went to bed at 9:00ish and fell asleep quickly but was wide awake around 2:00 a.m.  After that, I slept here and there until around 7:00.  I stayed in bed and continued to sleep a little until 8:00-something when I finally gave up.  I took a shower, piddled around the house and had plans to go to the library around 10, but didn’t get there until 12:30.  I stayed until 3:00 and read almost all the articles (well, some I skimmed).  Now I’m home reading a handful of articles that I didn’t get printed that are online. They are all saying the same things basically, so I’m not really reading them in depth.  I’m going to start my midterm around 5:00 or so and hope I finish within the 4 hour time slot.  I hope it doesn’t really take me that long.  It is supposed to be 31 questions that are a combination of multiple choice and some short answer.  But the questions are over the 30 articles we read as well as everything that we’ve had in our library courses until this point with the exception of cataloging (thank goodness). 

As far as the feeling of loneliness goes, it will eventually go away.  I think the problem is that for a brief moment I was able to experience what it is like to go out on a date.  To spend time with someone where you talk, share, laugh, and enjoy the company of someone else.  The excitement of holding hands, kissing, and connecting.  And then all of sudden it just disappears.  It’s like a drug where you have that momentary high and now you have to deal with the withdrawal symptoms.  I had gone four years without dating or having those moments so I just got used to it.  I was ok with being on my own.  Sure, I would have enjoyed going out, but it wasn’t a big deal.  And now I realize how much I really did miss all that and it hits close to home.  So now I second guess myself and wonder what’s wrong with me.  Is there something about me that is that repulsive?  I have always thought that I was a pretty good catch, but it just makes me wonder if I’m fooling myself.  But these thoughts will subside at some point as well.  It is just a matter of time and numbing myself again.  I’m not sure that dating is worth all of this.  Am I doomed to always attract the wrong men?  It’s either the perverts, the emotionally unstable, the commitment-phobic, or a combination of all of these.  I think it is too much to expect to find just a nice guy without a bunch of hang-ups. I’m not looking for perfection, just relatively normal would be nice. 

But I’m not going to worry myself too much over this.  I’m just having one of those low moments.  Overall life is good – just tired of the same old thing I guess.  I know I don’t have to keep myself in the house.  I’ve gone to dinner, the movies, the symphony and other places by myself before.  I just remember that it is really nice to share it with someone else and so I’m missing that. 

Tomorrow I’m going to church and then need to get some work done up at school.  Maybe I won’t feel as behind if I get some things done before Monday hits. 

Well, I better get the last of the articles read so I can start the midterm.  Wish me luck!


Patti said...

Good luck! And sending a virtual hug for the loneliness. We've never met, but you sound like one great woman to me. :)

Leann said...

I offer you big warm hugs. Just know I understand and am thinking of you and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm a new reader (for about a month I've read your blog from time to time) and I enjoy reading what goes on with you and at school. :) good luck!

Hap Joy Free said...

Im a single lady too, getting back into the dating world. The best advice I have been given is to make a list of the traits I want in a man (Honest, funny, loyal etc) and then for ME to become everything on that list myself, and then I will attract a man with those qualities.

Like attracts like, so what we put out into the world, will return to us (Karma!). Dont get down on yourself, just dust yourself off, and get back in the game.


Summer said...

Don't ever think badly of yourself. You are an amazing women and there is a man out there that will appreciate that.