Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Everyone please stand back

No, I'm not gonna blow. Just been contemplating the fact that I tend to keep people at arm's length. Is it because I'm cynical, afraid or something else entirely?

So I'm putting myself out there for dating purposes. Part of me wonders if I'm truly ready and the other part is missing companionship. And I've talked to a few people. I have a potential date for next week. This guy as well as a few others are really kind of "in" to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just bothers me that someone can think that from chat conversations. And the more that a guy is "in" to me and wants to go out with me the more I pull back. I'll start to hem-haw around and give a lot of maybes. I know I'm not trusting and I still have baggage to deal with.

I've had many chat conversations with a variety of people and you know what? The ones that intrigue me the most are those that are a little stand-offish (not always available), yet interesting to talk to and don't get all caught up in saying how beautiful I am or how sexy I am or how they can't wait to meet me. I guess I like a little aloofness. At first. Staying that way after getting to know one another in person is not desirable.

It's not that I don't think I'm great or sexy or pretty or a good catch. I do think I'm all of those things. I'm just not sure that someone online can know that until they meet me and get to know me. I have my imperfections and I try to be upfront about them. I was with Marty. He said he could handle it. I'm wondering if maybe he really couldn't it.

But I am cautious. I'm not going to give my number out to someone in a single conversation nor make plans to meet them until I've talked to them a while. I am not desperate for love and I want to make sure I do it right this time. I guess that’s why I am so stand-offish.

Am I afraid of getting my heart broken again? You betcha. But is that keeping me from looking and hoping? Not at all. Am I afraid to trust men in general? Maybe. Or perhaps it is myself that I don’t trust. Let’s face it; I haven’t made many good decisions regarding men. It’s not that they were all bad, horrible, evil men but they were wrong for me. (Though I still question whether Marty was truly wrong, because I loved him like no other man thus far.)

So where does this leave me? I guess I just am what I am and if keeping someone at arm’s length for a while creates problems for them, then perhaps it’s not meant to be. The quickest way to send me running in the opposite direction is to put pressure on me. I’ll shut down or just back away. Just ask my ex-husband. You see that’s how Marty got in under my radar. He never put any kind of pressure on a relationship. He simply enjoyed being with me and talking to me. He was there when I needed him, but he didn’t smother me. I could talk to him about anything. I even told him about the other guys I was going out with. I found out later that it bothered him, but he never said anything. And all of a sudden it hit me. I let my guard down and fell. And when I fall, it’s fast and hard. So it can happen, but it does take time.

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