Saturday, May 14, 2005

Witty Title Goes Here

I don't know what kind of headline I should write to describe my life at the moment. I hate to say "boring" because if I do, then surely it will become unborning in a bad way. But here's a few updates for what they're worth.

I got the annulment proceedings started on my marriage to Richard. I was finally able to get all the documents needed and I took them to diocese. Now it should be a matter of two priests checking them and signing off saying "yes, this marriage was invalid because he was already married to his first wife and that marriage was never anulled and she is still living." After that is done, I'll be free to marry in the Church. Not that I have a lot of choices out there right now, but I'm starting to look.

I don't know what to do about this dating/relationship kind of stuff. Part of me wants to just move on and find someone. Another part of me thinks I shouldn't be in a hurry and should just wait until someone comes along my way. I like having a boyfriend. Most of the time I enjoy being in a relationship. Granted it sucks when I know something is wrong and I get the song and dance about how it's stress, or the "it's not you, it's me" line or whatever. (sorry Marty)
But overall I like having a special man in my life that I can share things with, cuddle with, get to know, learn from, and just do things together.

The thing is I think I really deserve to be loved better and more fully than I have in the past. I know Marty loved me, but he couldn't/wouldn't fall very deeply. I think it has to do with the fact that he hasn't completely let go of his ex-wife though he'll deny that until he's blue in the face. Perhaps it's because I was the rebound relationship. Maybe it was truly something in me. I guess I'll never know and will probably always wonder. I know Richard loved me very much, but there were too many differences that wouldn't allow us to be happy together. Sometimes love isn't enough.

But I know I have a great capacity to love and to give. It makes me happy to love someone and do things for them, surprise them, let them know how special they are to me. Problem is finding that relationship where my partner doesn't just take without giving anything back, doesn't acknowledge anything I do for them, doesn't withhold affection. The thing I've learned about relationships are that they shouldn't be give and take. They shouldn't be take-take. They should be give-give. 100% on both sides... not a 50-50.

But I'm wondering if all the good men are already taken? Someone that has the romance gene, that can love me for who I am despite my quirks, that appreciates what I have to give, and is able to love and commit. And if there are a few out there, how do you find them? The internet? I'm just not too trusting of that because I don't know how you can really get to know someone online. A lot of people aren't honest about themselves or they're within the freak category. The whole blind date thing gets old. Then there's the distance issue. Maybe there is some great guy out there, but he lives 14 million miles away. I've discovered just how much the LDR thing sucks. I don't think it's impossible, but it's very difficult. Then even if by some miracle I found Mr. Right and he lives 14 million miles away, he'd have to be willing to move here. So let's put another twist on things, shall we? I wouldn't be opposed to moving myself if it were just me, but I have Josh to consider and I want him to stay in school here.

And yes, I'm still getting over Marty. I still think about him from time to time. But I also know that I'm not changing his mind about things. It's simple; he either loves me and and wants to be with me or he doesn't. So I have to move on. And I will.
And then I start to think what if something is wrong with me? What if I'm doing something to sabotage my relationships or drive men away? And if I am, how am I supposed to figure out what it is? And then I think, all I can do is just be me and someone can choose to love me for who I am or not. Because I cannot change who I am. I can compromise as needed, but like Marty says "What you see is what you get."

So I guess I'm keeping my eyes open. I haven't done too well in choosing men for myself so maybe someone can set me up. If you know of any decent, free, preferably Catholic guys out there, send them my way, ok?


Susanlee said...

I generally believe that there's not just one right person out there for anyone. Statistically, that would be insane, and I don't think got works that way. I mean, what if he did live in Italy or something. There are lots (at least *several*) of people in the world that you could be happy with. The trick is to pray about it, and leave it in God's hands. I know that sounds naff, but I tried for years to find the right person. I doubted myself and said almost verbatim what you're saying now. And then Justin came into my life. (and then left, and came back, but that's a long story.) And the thing is, I found out when I moved here that he was praying for it too. When it's the right time, and you're in the right place, someone will be there, and it'll be....right. Really right. Also, don't give up online too quick. There are lots of freaks and weirdos out there, but it worked for me. J messaged me one night really late and said something like "I was looking at profiles online, and I thought you were beautiful, then I read what you had to say, and I knew you were someone I had to know." Anyway, hang in there.

Susanlee said...

Edit: "I don't think God works that way", not 'got.'

It's still early.