Monday, November 29, 2004

Been a While

I know I haven't updated in a while. I'm getting over my internet withdrawal symptoms. I went to Albuquerque on Tuesday thinking it would be better to get ahead of the storms coming through, but found myself in the middle of them. It was a bit nasty driving from here until about Tucumcari, but after that it cleared up pretty well. I ended up taking my aunt's mother-in-law with us. She's 87 but it pretty good shape. Unfortunately she refuses to use a walker or a cane to help her walk because it might make her look "old".
I was without the internet while I was there so I had to catch up on all the blogs I read when I got back. The sad thing is that I received about 100 pieces of email and only one of them was something valid.
O.k. this is boring me too.
Marty and I are doing o.k. I still think he's being a little weird and distant (not just physcially) but he denies it. I'm a bit frustrated by the fact that he can't figure out when and if he can come here for Christmas because of one of the guys he works with that won't make up his mind.
I learned a new skill at my aunt's but I can't say anything about it here because it involves a present that I made for Marty. If you're just dying to know about it you can email me.
I also think I've got my Christmas list planned, but now have to wait for my bonus to see if I can buy anything for anybody.
It is freaking cold here. My house is currently at 62 degrees. I have a fire lit, and all the portable heaters on and I'm still cold. I hate winter. I hate being cold.
There's really nothing new to report here. It's mostly work right now. But I guess it's a good thing when there's nothing new to report. Something new isn't always a good thing.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Photo Collage. Well, sort of. Believe it or not, these photos are actually somewhat sorted. These are photos that my mom had in various places. One of the cool things I found was pictures of my mom and dad when they got married. I had never seen that picture before. As I further sort the pictures, I'll post some. Posted by Hello

Roo the chilly dog. Roo likes to snuggle under the covers. I guess it's because he has short hair. I just thought he looked cute. Posted by Hello

Jewelry box cat. What is it about cats and boxes? I was cleaning out my mom's jewelry chest and Tux had to jump in. Isn't she pretty? Posted by Hello

Friday, November 19, 2004

At a loss

I hate it when I have desire to write and get stuff out and it stays stifled inside. I really don't know what to say but will try anyways.
Emotionally, I'm drained. Had a yucky night last night. Not sure where Marty and I stand. Well maybe. He did IM me this morning which really helped. I admit I overreacted at something he said. And I've been moody along with him lately. I know I've added to his stress. But I also know that he hasn't been acting like I'm everything to him lately. That's one reason why I fell for him. He made me feel important to him. Lately I feel more like an inconvenience than someone special to him. I don't mean to feel that way. Part of it is the distance, part of it is my insecurities, and part of it the fact that his attitude seems to have changed.
I have this problem. I'm never satisfied. Nothing is ever good enough for me. If someone volunteers to clean my kitchen, I can't just appreciate that they might have picked up and did the dishes, but will be concerned that they didn't wipe the counters or sweep the floor. In a relationship I guess I always want more from my partner than they are able to give. Is it that I expect too much or is it that I can't find the perfect mate?
I like to make my partner feel special. And in return, I like to feel special too. I can be somewhat of a realist knowing that not all men have the knack for doing this. But my thinking that if I AM indeed special to someone, they will make it known to me.
I learned in my last relationship that you can't change anyone. It's wrong to expect someone to change. I have to be willing to accept my partner as he is. For someone that is never satisfied, it's a tall order. But perhaps not impossible.
I love Marty for who he is. For the love he has for me. For the guy that is afraid of rollercoasters, but will ride them for me. For the man that has come to see me 4 times. For the great father that he is. For the way he holds me and tells me that he loves me. For loving me as I am.
And for that, I am thankful. And I love him for that.
And I'll do what it takes to alleviate his stress. If that means leaving him be to sort things out, I will. Though I wish I could help him. I wish I could be there for him.
I'm still at a loss. Maybe not for words, but for what I can do. I just know I'm not ready to let go. I hope he isn't either.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Work, work, work

Who has time to keep up with a blog when all you do is work, work, work. Here's the latest:

Got my house clean. Woo Hoo! Even the laundry is caught up. If I can have the garage sale this weekend, I can get that stuff cleared out. Then I might be able to park my car in there. That would certainly be nice on those nasty snowy days we've been getting. I think we've surpassed the amount of snow we had the entire year last year.
Marty still doesn't know about is relocation and may not know for a few more months. Problem is that his job will be gone in like February so they're going to have to figure out something. This waiting in limbo stuff sucks. Puts him in a bad mood, makes me ancy. But I'm still dealing with it pretty well. Still have some concerns, but still love him very much. Love wins right now.
Heater in this house still sucks so I'm using small heaters in each room. It seems to be doing the trick. At least I'm not freezing any more.
Bought the dogs new beds since they didn't quite fit in the cat beds. Now the cats are taking over the dog beds. Go figure.
I haven't gone to my dance class in weeks. O.k. here's my excuses, oops I mean reasons: Two weeks ago it was the weather. Thurs. after that was I started my spring/fall cleaning bid and was on a roll. Last Monday I volunteered to help with Josh's all-region tryouts. Last Thursday I think I was still cleaning. This Monday I had to visit a school. I'm going to do my best to get there on Thursday. I don't think I have any more excuses to not go.
I've been working a lot. Today I drove over 200 miles and visited 5 schools. My schedule is not going to let up before Thanksgiving. I'm doing o.k. on getting renewals signed, but I still hate it.
I'm a creative genius when it comes to yearbook covers. O.k. maybe not, but I've learned some cool new tricks.
I'm feeling guilty about considering applying for a new job. Considering I'm getting a five-year ring and the winter meeting (that I normally don't go to, but probably will this year since it's in San Antonio) and that if by the snowball's chance in hell that I would even be considered for the job, it would put my boss and my schools in a bind. But the job sounds really great. A graphic artist. Sitting around being creative all day. No travel. Health insurance. It is sooooo tempting to just apply despite the fact that I don't have all the skills necessary. But I'm a quick learner. I am.
Went through my mom's jewerly box and boy did she have a lot of earrings. None that I could really wear (sensitive ears) or that I would want (different tastes). I've got to check with dad on the value of some of her stuff. I don't know what's geniune and what's not except for her diamond ring. Got to check with my sister to see if there's anything she wants.
I think that's all for now. Am determined to go to bed at a somewhat decent hour tonight. Yeah, right.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Some Men Just Don't "Get It"

In all of my 35 years, about 15 that have included serious-type relationships with men, I've discovered several things that they just don't "get". Here's a partial list:

1. When we say "nothing" is wrong. It's usually something. And generally we want you to figure it out.
2. When your girlfriend or wife is meeting you at the door naked or half naked, it's a good thing. You should respond appropriately.
3. We need romance. We don't just want it. It's necessary.
4. We need more than just HEARING "I Love You." Saying it is indeed important, but we need to see it in action as well.
5. Birthdays should be special. That generally means more than just a phone call.
6. Romance can be spontaneous, but most of the time it takes planning.
7. Flowers are good things. They should be sent for special occasions (anniversaries, Valentine's, birthdays), sometimes when you're in the doghouse, and sometimes just because.
8. Romance doesn't have to expensive.
9. When a woman is crying hysterically (even if you're mad), you should stop, shut up, and hold her.
10. If you get into the habit of talking every day. You need to talk EVERY day. If not, we will imagine and expect the worst and will be mad when we discover you're not dead or maimed.
11. Unless specifically requested, gift certificates are NOT good presents. We would like you to actually use your head and shop for something meaningful. Or at least get ideas from us weeks before actual gift-giving dates.
12. Never buy clothes for a woman.
13. Never buy a selfish (meaning for yourself) gift. For example, the 101 Nights of Great Sex book just so you can get laid more.
14. We are jealous creatures by nature. Be aware of it and don't test it.

I know there's more, but will update as I think of them. I'm tired now and am going to sleep.

Saturday, November 13, 2004


It seems that I'm not the only one suffering from depression and moodiness right now. Patrick has been moping about the fact that his current love interest has snubbed him more or less and he still hasn't found true love. I don't know what I can tell him to make him feel better. He's a great guy. Very nice. And yes I, too, broke his heart. But honestly I don't know that we'd ever get to a point of a relationship anyways. I told him that I thought he's trying too hard. I can't say I speak for all women, but if a guy tries too hard, it sends up huge warning signals. Honestly for me, a little aloofness is far more intriguing.
My friend Pam has also been down in the dumps. I can't go into details about the situation she's been in, but suffice to say, she is having those "What's wrong with me" thoughts. Pam is a wonderful friend and a geat catch. Again, it really is just the wrong guy.
And now Marty is moody. And he's not certain why. He says it's probably because of all the uncertainty with his job. Which I can understand, but I always wonder and speculate if it's something more. And his mood affects me. Not that I needed any help in that area.
I guess I'm still dealing with the whole birthday thing. And the Marty thing. And my job. And the house.
Is it spring yet? Oh yeah, we still have to go through winter. Ugh.


I decided that since the weather forcast included rain and snow today I would not try to have the garage sale this weekend. I even made a sign to put in my yard, just in case. Just in case those crazy garage sale freaks didn't realize the weather was bad. (And indeed raining this morning) But at 7 when I got up, and it was raining, I thought that my sign might just smear in the rain and what good would that do? So I didn't put it out. And I went back to bed. But sure enough, at 8:00 on the dot, people were here for the garage sale I had advertised. (When the weather people forcasted a nice 50 degree day) Luckily David was up. He told them that we weren't having it due to weather and I had him put my sign out. You know, I could have opened my garage and have the sale for the lunatics, but problem is that a. I would have to freeze my butt off for a few trinket sales b. I didn't really have time to get it completely set up c. I really don't currently have walking space around the tables since I had to quickly shove everything back in the garage when it rained last week and now I can't put it back out in the driveway since it's STILL wet and d. after the freaks snub all the little stuff (since I don't have great pieces of furniture to buy and restore) I would still be left with a garage full of stuff and a cold. So, I've postponed the garage sale and offer my prayers for better weather next weekend. (Is there a patron saint of garage sales or weather I wonder?)

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I have a dog that thinks he's a cat.  Posted by Hello

look at the cover I'm working on. I learned to create the spotlight. Posted by Hello

Moving On

Well the birthday is over. It wasn't too bad. I got a present from Patrick last week. (He got me the C.S.I. board game) Dad took us out to dinner last week. Got a card from one of my advisers yesterday. Got a call from Marty. (No gift from him yet as he's having to spend $500 on closing costs to sell his house in Louisiana) I took Josh and a couple of his friends to dinner and a movie last night. We went to see Ray. It was very good. Jamie Foxx did a spectacular job of emulating Ray Charles.
Night before last I wrapped Josh's presents and then put them in his room before he got up. After he got up yesterday, I asked him if he was going to open them and he said no, he'd wait. That surprised me a bit, but I figured that he just wanted the anticipation of it. Well, I left around 7:30 yesterday morning to head to one of my schools. When I got back around 3:30 I checked his room and he couldn't help himself... he went ahead and opened them. (I knew he couldn't wait) I got him a DVD player for his room, weather calendar, book on Dali (the artist), a Duran Duran greatest hits CD, and the movie Galaxy Quest. I think it was a pretty good birthday for him this year.
Now the birthday is over. I'm 35. Josh is 14. Time to move on.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I'm getting a ring. It's a five-year ring for working with Jostens as an associate. But now I have to make a decision. I have to pick the color of stone I want. I hate making decisions. My birthstone is topaz (Nov) but it is just plain ugly. I'm kind of leaning towards purple (amethyst) since it was my high school color. But green would match my earrings and the blue is pretty. HELP! Posted by Hello

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. Well at least it used to be MY birthday before my son was born. Now I guess it's more OUR birthday... and sometimes... really HIS birthday. He was born on my 21st birthday. Let me tell you after going through completely natural child birth, not by choice, boy I could have used a drink. I remember my mom calling me at the hospital saying "Happy Birthday! What do you want?" I replied, "An Epidural." But, alas, I received nothing. No drugs. By the time I asked for them they said it was too late. I basically went from a "3" to a"9" in dialation rather fast. It was painful. I vowed to remember the pain as long as I lived and to NEVER do that again. Unfortunately or fortunately, I probably won't be having more children. I'm getting to the age where it might not be the best idea and I'm also in a kind of selfish mode these days. I want the freedom to travel and sleep late. Josh is of the age that he can pretty much take care of himsel, which he tends to prefer most of the time. I remember the day I taught him to make himself a bowl of cereal. I realized that from now on I could actually sleep in 30 more minutes in the morning. Wooo Hooo! I went through a brief phase of hearing my biological clock ticking a few years ago. It passed. Given that my ex had a vasectomy before we were married it was unreasonable to have children. That and he really wasn't the good father type. Nor the good husband type. Marty, too, has been "fixed." For me it's a relief that I don't have to worry about birth control. Did I mention that I am terrible at remembering to take pills everyday? I am truly thankful that I never married Josh's dad. (Not that he ever offered) He turned out to be a real "winner". Sometimes I hope I haven't messed up Josh too much. It was difficult at times, but I think he's turned out to be a pretty good kid. He's smart. Really smart. (And I'm not just bragging) He's talented artistically and musically. He doesn't get in to trouble. And he's not really into sports. He's only in athletics for the "coolness" factor. He still has some anger management issues to deal with, but I think overall, he's turned out o.k. So when sometimes I think that my birthday really isn't all that special, it really is the best day of my life.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Depressing Time of Year

This time of year is always depressing. I never noticed it so much before. But when Richard and I tried counseling a few years ago, the therapist pointed out that events that have happened in the past that we may have forgotten about can trigger states of depression. So I gave it some thought. I realized that it was about that time of year (Nov-Dec) that my best friend in junior high passed away. It was my first personal experience with death. We were in the 8th grade. She developed a brain tumor the year before. I used to think about her every day for several years. Now she crosses my mind once in a while. I never thought of her death really affecting me, but perhaps it still has. Or it could have been the miserable state of living with a man that wasn't who I thought he was.
Well, never-the-less, being aware of such things I do realize that I indeed tend to be down this time of year. Yes, the time change has an effect with darker days etc... But it's also my birthday which is generally depressing. It's not really getting older, it's the fact that it has ceased to be something special. Yet at the same time it is still really special since it's my son's birthday. (I know, I don't make sense) Then there's the fact that it was a year ago (on the 22nd) that my mother passed away. Then there's the up in the air status of where Marty will be next year. But overall, I'm handling it all pretty well so far. I think just being aware of it helps. It also helps that I'm working on getting my house clean. It's distracting me from my mood and making things more pleasant around here.
So now if I could just get the weathermen to agree that snow should NOT be here on Saturday so I could have my garage sale and get rid of the junk in my garage.

This was all in my garage. Now it's back in the garage, but at least it's assembled as a garage sale in progress. I'm hoping weather will be cooperative. Posted by Hello

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Cleaning Frenzy

Since it's probably going to be one of the last gorgeous weekends here (mid 70's yesterday) I decided to take on the garage. I really should have taken a picture of it before I started so you could understand the exact nature of the disaster it was. Having been a fan of clean sweep I made a "sell" pile that is now taking up a good portion of my driveway. I have another pile that is stuff to take to dad. I'm slowing getting through all the laundry. Now, I have to figure out what to do with the sell pile. I thought about having a free garage sale. Just putting it out in the driveway and let people take what they want. I do have a few things I would like to sell, however, like Josh' bunkbed frame. I can't just leave it in the driveway, but I don't want to pile it in the garage. I think I'll start putting it out on tables in the garage and prepare for a garage sale next weekend. (Hoping that it will be nice again.)
Now I also have to deal with the house. I got the living room clean (which is what necessitated the cleaning of the garage). Now the kitchen is a mess, the office is a disaster, and my room hasn't been clean since before I left for Connecticut. Luckily, I'm taking a day off tomorrow.
I think I've gone on this cleaning kick because of a little bit of depression. It is so depressing living in a mess. I know that when I do have a house that is clean it totally lifts my spirits.
Marty gave me more potential bad news. He still doesn't know whether or not he's going to Alaska. He also found that they're still looking to send people to the middle east. Because his job is being dissolved and it's non-essential, he's a good candidate. I don't know what to think about all this. I was finally getting used to accepting him going to Alaska for a year. Now he might go into a very unstable, hazardous area. I'm still trying to keep the faith up that everything will work out. I didn't mean to fall in love with him, but I did. It's just difficult. And I knew it would be. I think if I ever got to a point where life was content in every area, then the world would be coming to an end. If my house was clean with no clutter, Marty was here permanently, Josh got a full scholarship to college, and my debts were paid off.... well if that happens, I'll let you know so everyone can prepare.
Well, I gotta get back to cleaning.

Friday, November 05, 2004


Just got back from Olive Garden. Josh and I went out to eat for our birthday dinner. (Next Wed. is the actual day) We invited my dad and his girlfriend along. (He paid... woohoo!) And now I'm full. I had salad, breadsticks, chicken parmesan (with leftovers for tomorrow), raspberry cheesecake, and wine. I understand why they generally hold the door open for you when you leave. So you can conveniently roll out on to the sidewalk. But it was so very good. Now I'll have to fast the rest of the weekend.
I'm on a roll working on my house. My living room is clean. Maybe for the first time since I moved in. Of course that means the rest of the house is a mess. Hopefully I'll keep the urge to keep going through the weekend.

Issues with the Aunt again...

The doorbell rings at 5:45 this morning. Yes, that's A.M. Only time that happens is when the police are doing it. Sure enough I was right. At first I thought, oh no, it's my dogs barking again. But then I realized that they had been sleeping with me. When I noticed that the police officer was my former brother-in-law I figured it had to do with my aunt again. He was clued into the situation a while back and knew that I had been dealing with her. He tells me that she has called the police claiming that someone was trying to kill her son. (That would be David that lives with me.) They said that when they went over there this morning that she couldn't remember why she had called them but she had washed her hair. I told them that I was no longer dealing with her, but I would get her son and he could deal with it. Although she hasn't spoken to me since August and has forbidden David to discuss her situation with me, I figured that she's probably changed her medication again or stopped taking it and is going off the deep end again. So after the police left, I woke David up and let him know what was going on. (If I had to get up at 5:45, he did too.) He went over there and stayed until about 7 a.m. Of course I don't know what's truly going on since I'm not in the loop any more. And it's a relief. I'm thankful that it's not me that has to deal with all of this again. I'm sorry that she's having problems again and that she'll probably end up in the hospital again. At least this time she has no recourse to blame me. As far as I'm concerned, she's brought this on herself and she has to deal with it.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Debit Card Catastrophe

Technology is indeed grand, but it can be the bane of existence too. Case in point. ATM machines. Wonderful machines when you need a little extra cash on the go when banks aren't available. Yes, sometimes they charge that nasty fee, but generally it's worth it when you need cash immediately.
I was in Borger today. Had about and hour to kill before my next school in Fritch. I think to myself, "I'm thirsty." Mmmmm, no cash. Only pennies in my ash tray. Oh wait! I have a debit card! I know where a machine is. I've used it before. I actually have money in my account. So I drive on over to the machine and seconds before I put my card in I think to myself, "I really don't trust these machines that you actually have to put your card IN rather than swipe it.." BUT I put it in anyways. And the machine just sits there. Doesn't ask me nicely for my PIN number. It just tells me to insert my card. I yell at it "It's already inserted!" It doesn't respond. I hit buttons to no avail. There's a number on the machine to call in case you have questions regarding the fee charged so I call it. Tell my story to the lady at Amarillo National Bank. And find that there's nothing that can be done. She tells me that either my card is jammed. (Probably) Or that it couldn't read the magnetic strip and it kept the card in it's depository or something. (Not likely as I used it the night before) She says that the only time a technician will be at that machine is on Monday. She said that they should be able to retrieve my card by then and it will be forwarded to my bank... eventually. She tells me that she can put a block on it so that if by some miracle it is ejected nobody could use it. I have concerns about this as since this is not my bank. So when I get back to town I deposit a check and get some cash back and ask about my card. The person I need to talk to isn't in at the moment, but I could come back later. I come back later. Person is there, but with a customer that is opening a money market account with $25,000. Must be nice. Eventually I talk to her and she calls the company directly and puts a lost block on the card that can be taken off if I do get it back.
So I'm without my debit/credit card that I like to use when I go out to eat or shop. Now I have to write checks. I'm getting so spoiled. I don't even write checks to pay my bills any more.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Superman at Six Flags New England. What a great ride! 220 ft drop and over 70 mph. Very cool! Posted by Hello

These are the roses Marty brought to the airport. They opened up beautifully. Posted by Hello

I thought this was a great photo of the train diving into the the tunnel. Posted by Hello

Picture of Marty. Isn't his hat cute? Posted by Hello

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Trying to Stay Warm

My house is cold. I HATE being cold. The heater is trying to do it's job. I have it on around 75 but the temp is staying in the 60's. I really need to get the airconditioners out of the windows. Guess I'll just keep layering on the clothes and staying under the covers for now.
I have to go vote this afternoon.
On a happy note the child support check has come through on time this month. Woo Hoo! Mine and Josh's birthday is next week. (yes we were born on the same day) I think I'm going to get him a computer chair for his room. I don't know what I should buy for myself. I kind of stopped having birthdays since Josh was born. (I guess that means I'm still 21) I've always wanted to feel somewhat special on my birthday, but it hasn't been that way in many years. Last year was when my mom was released from the hospital and given only 2 weeks to live. Kind of a bummer to say the least. While I was married, Richard sometimes bought me something or sent flowers, but I always had to remind him to do so. And half the time he was out of town with his job. I once sent him on a scavenger hunt for his birthday. It just got to the point where my birthday wasn't so special any more. I think everybody's birthday should have at least some meaning. I'm not always the best at it, but I try to remember them with a card, phone call or something. I even sent my former mother-in-law a card this week. (Her birthday is the week before mine) So for the past few years I've bought myself a little something for my birthday because I deserve it darn it!

We had just a "little" snow. Posted by Hello

O.K. It really started to stick. At least that means for me it's a snow day. School here isn't cancelled, but it is around the Panhandle and I'm not going to risk driving out on the highways today. Posted by Hello

Monday, November 01, 2004


It's snowing here. I can't believe it's already snowing. Sure we get some snow here every winter, but generally it seems as though it comes much later than Nov. 1. Generally it waits until one of the major speech tournament weekends in Dec. or Jan. The wind is blowing hard and the snow is actually starting to stick on the ground (lawns) but not the streets as it's probably too warm to really freeze.
It's a time like this that I really, really wish I had a man around. I need the air conditioners taken out of the windows. But since I don't have a man and I'm not physically capable of doing such a chore by myself and it's too late an hour to try to get my son to help, I'm stuck. So I did the best thing I could and tried covering up the drafty inside edges with some foam. Hopefully it will help. I'm not sure when and if I'll be able to get the air conditioners down and where I'd put them. I'm going to pray for one more nice weekend where I can once again clean out an area of the garage (it seems to multiply boxes of crap on it's own) and then offer to make a nice dinner or something for one of my ex-boyfriends or male friend-friends and get them to help. Maybe I'll just put a sign in my yard that says FREE BEER FOR TAKING DOWN AIR-CONDITIONERS and see if I get any offers.