Never Mind

Never mind the previous post. I found out today that SSI is going to be coming through and Josh will be getting a little over $600 a month. Since he'll get two months of back payments, that should catch us up on bills and I can probably afford his band trip.

Wooooo Hoooooo!

Home Alone Again

Tonight I'm home by myself again. Josh is at a game. I have to go to bed early tonight so I can get to school by 6:15 a.m. I should be doing laundry. But I'm not. I should be cleaning the house. But I'm not doing that either. I'm watching t.v., surfing the net, having a glass of wine, and just taking it easy.

I just got invited to go to the movies and although it's a movie I do want to see, I declined. I already put my pajamas on and I'm already tired. I may be in bed by 8 or 9 tonight. I don't why this week has so tiring. Perhaps it's because the time change is this weekend. I don't know. I'm just ready for a break. Luckily, Thanksgiving is coming up soon.

And I'm just rambling on because I have absolutely nothing interesting to say today. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more interesting. We can always hope.

I feel old

Nevermind that my birthday is coming up in two weeks. I'll be 36. O.k. maybe that's not just really OLD, but I did get a jolt of feeling it tonight. I went to choir practice at church. We have a new choir director. And the girl that is doing it is a former student of mine. She is married now and has a baby and I taught her in the 8th grade. So now I feel really old. I guess it will get worse when I start teaching kids of the kids I taught, but I guess that will be a while.

Choir practice was great. I still don't think of myself as a singer in any shape, but I do love participating in it. The music is so beautiful. We are having a special dedication mass on the 19th of November. It will be a long ceremony, but the nice thing is that the majority of parishoners will be there. Usually they are divided up between 3 masses on the weekends, but most should come to this ceremony.

Today I discovered that somebody took change out of my desk drawer between 7th period yesterday and 3rd period today. And I don't think it was a student. Students aren't allowed in my office at any time and I was never away from my office or room where a student could have done it. I suspect that the new guy they are training as a janitor took it. It was only a dollar in change, but it's still the principle of it. He has also been helping himself to my candy stash. I mentioned to the director of technology, but she seemed to dismiss it. I'm not sure, but I get the feeling that she doesn't like me much... but I could be wrong. I'm just picking up on that.
So I think I'm going to perhaps set a trap of sorts to make sure. Tomorrow I'm going to leave more change in my drawer at then end of school and then see if it is still there on Monday morning. Because petty stuff can lead to bigger things. It's not that I keep anything of major value in my office, but it's still not right and others could lose a lot more than me if there is a thief.

I almost made it to bed by 10:00 last night... I was 15 minutes behind, but not too bad. I was still tired today. Unfortunately because I was robbed of my change I didn't get a coke. That really irritated me more than the money being gone... the fact that I didn't have any caffeine. I need at least a little bit. I've cut way back on drinking a lot of cokes... usually just my one at lunch.

Tonight I should be able to get to bed on time. Luckily I'm giving a test tomorrow. It should be a good day. I still have no idea what I'm teaching next week, but I guess I'll figure it out this weekend. Am going to a speech tournament so hopefully I can get some stuff done there unless I'm judging.

So very tired

I will be in bed by 10:00 tonight. I'm just too tired. I was up until 1 a.m. last night working on stuff for my classes today. Good thing was that we listened to music all class period and I didn't have to teach. Tomorrow we're reviewing for a game and Friday will be a test. As for next week, I have no earthly idea yet. I can't plan that far in advance as time constantly slips away from me.

And I'm going to add even more to my awfully full plate. Oh why not? We finally have a new choir director at church and so I'll probably keep singing in the choir. Not that I have a gifted voice... quite the contrary to my thoughts, but I do tend to be very judgmental about myself. But I enjoy the camaraderie of getting to know more people in the church. It has felt like home for a long time, but I finally "registered" as a member last week. Tonight was RCIA class and I'll be writing about that in my other blog. Thursdays will be choir practice. That reminds me... I've got to find my choir book.

Tonight I was supposed to make egg rolls for Josh's English class. I guess it's some kind of Chinese food feast they're doing after finishing The Joy Luck Club. I've never read the book, but Josh didn't particularly care for it. But since I had class and a million other things to do this week, you can imagine how much I felt like making egg rolls at 8:45 p.m. No, instead I picked up egg rolls from the local Thai restaurant. It only cost me $10 and I think that's a lot cheaper than what I would have spent on all the ingredients.

There's also a speech tournament this weekend, so that's more stuff to do. But the business is still a good thing. I am so NOT focused on relationships and such now. I hardly think of Marty and never dwell on that any more. It's not that I don't care about him, because I do and always will, but I guess I'm finally just dealing with my life now. Of course I still pray for him from time to time, but I know that things are over, have been over for a while and I'm simply moving on. Yeah, I know... it's about time... but it's really been a while now.

Well, I better quit rambling on. I still have another blog to write before going to bed.

Catching Up

Well, I a brilliant idea last night that allowed me to get caught up on most of my grading at school. I've been wrapping up notes on listening and realized that we were covering four kinds of listening including appreciative listening. O.k. I may be stretching it a bit, but I figured that kids should learn to appreciate classical music. So we're watching Fantasia. Josh thinks it is a great idea. I'm not sure what my students thought today, but for the most part they were quiet. The had to write their opinion down, but I haven't read them yet. But at least I got a great deal of grading done.

Our birthday is coming up. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to get Josh. It will be a far slimmer birthday than it usually is, but I know he'll enjoy what I have in mind. I won't be getting anything for myself. I don't remember if I got myself anything last year or not. I do know we went out to dinner, but my dad paid for that. I think my dad is going to be gone on a cruise this year. And the weekend right after my birthday is a speech tournament. So it will be just another day. Getting old isn't as fun as it used to be. Where's Bret when I could use a good kidnapping??? Lol. (I knew you'd laugh at that!!)

I got a letter from Prison Pete today. I'll try to find time to write him back this weekend. I should have some time at the speech tournament.

Luckily I didn't have to grade any papers tonight. I need to go start a load of laundry so I have something to wear tomorrow. But it will probably be an early night for me. I'm getting ready for this time change to get here already.

Show Me the Money

My paycheck every month is $2074.09. That is exactly .33 cents less than I was making in my previous job. The difference now is that I have health and dental insurance and I am driving a little less. Where does the money go?

Bills to be paid every month include Mortgage ($663 on time and $682 late which it is now), bank payment of $325 for consolidated cards, Mervyn’s $25 (minimum), Electric about $125, Gas is around $30 now, but will steadily go up as winter nears, water $50, car insurance $107, Cable/Internet $130, Cell Phones $90, Phone $66, Gasoline should be around $150 a month, but I’ve been paying minimums around $80. I still have the other two card payments despite consolidating them as I had to use my credit card for dental work and groceries after I ran out of money and the other one I paid most of it, but not quite all of it and still owe $300. After paying all of that assuming I were caught up and not behind on any bills (Currently about a month behind on the mortgage, cable, and extra credit card), I would have around $300 left each month to cover groceries, clothing, private lessons, and any extras. Forget an oil change, hair cut, or something extra.

I can and will cut back on the regular phone and go back to basic service – saving about $20… after I pay the bill because they won’t make changes if you haven’t made a payment. Don’t tell me to cut my cable/internet as it’s really our only source of entertainment and information. I don’t have all the channels or anything… just the basic 66 and HBO.

Never mind that I need to pay $80 for a yearbook, and have had to pay quite a bit for band things (shoes, shirt, mallets, garment bag, etc.). I still would like to get Josh into counseling, but even with health insurance it will still run $40 a visit. I also want to do my part in providing for the church and diocese. Josh’s birthday is coming up soon as well.

Does it ever end? Don’t get me wrong… I’m not really trying to complain, just getting it out for the moment. I think going back to teaching will still be better in the long run. By carpooling, I am saving in gas. I can pretty much expect a raise each year and I should get a stipend for speech next year. (If not, I may have to look elsewhere) But in the moment I just don’t know what to do. I am really hoping that Josh’s social security disability will come through, but the fact that it is put off for so long means I’m falling more into debt with all the late fees and such.

My dear, sweet son asked me about if he got a job next summer that pays $70 a week, would that be enough? I told him that if made that it would be great to help pay for his own gas and car insurance for when he got a car. He then said that he wanted to help pay bills if he could. I told him that we’ll wait and see what happens, but perhaps his money will just go to help pay for some of his lunches and lessons and such, but if the social security came through we’ll be able to manage better. I don’t think he’ll get much if anything from his father’s estate. I got a letter from the attorney stating that although he has assets in an approximate amount of $166,000, he had debts totaling $392,000. Although Josh is entitled to 25% of anything, it doesn’t look good. So the idea that college might be paid for is a laughing matter.

Normally thinking about all of this would be me into a pretty good state of depression. And I admit I am worried about it, but I know that it doesn’t do me any good to dwell on it. Things will get paid when they get paid. Even if the worst happened and I fell miserably into a state of bankruptcy, I would still survive. Everything always works out in the end. I know this. I’ve experienced enough of life to know that despite wondering how I’m going to get myself out of the holes I keep finding myself in (though I admit to have been digging some myself), I will get out. I’m thinking the hole I’ve been in for a while does seem a little more shallow.

So I will continue to put my faith and worries on God’s shoulder and keep praying. It’s all I can do. I have so many blessings that in spite of my financial worries, life is still good. Now if I could just get social security to not be so dang slow and a little more helpful. I know, I know. Wishing thinking.

Homecoming

Tonight was homecoming. What memories it brings back. You see, that's when Marty and I got "together" in high school. He called me the NIGHT BEFORE at 9:00 p.m. to ask me to homecoming. I said yes. He came to school the next day with a homecoming mum even. I was amazed. Our high school romance was short lived as we broke up perhaps a month and a half later. (I broke up with him, I still can't remember why) But we did have a lot of fun together for a little while. So tonight brought back a lot of sweet memories for me.

Last night I spent the evening making a mum for Josh's girlfriend. I wish I had taken a picture of it, but it was almost eleven by the time everything was done and I just didn't get around to it. I thought it turned out really nice though. And I spent a fraction of what I would have at a florist.

The band was awesome of course. Their entire contest show is truly remarkable. Last week at contest, I thought their show was better than all of the 3, 4, and 5-A schools. It's kind of funny that my boyfriend from 8th grade is Josh's band director. Knowing the band director on a personal level makes it interesting. But Josh is doing great. He loves playing in the pit. He told me today that he's going to be playing in jazz band too. He'll be playing saxophone. He'd like to play piano, but still waiting for money to come through before I can afford lessons.

It was really sad at the game though. Although the school they're playing is in the same district, by half time the score was 42-0 in favor of the home team. And the opposing school's band only had 18 people in it. That's it. 18 people. And they attempted to play Star Wars. At marching contest last week, they received a 3rd division which isn't very good. But I guess it was admirable of them to go out and there and play their hearts out.

Something that really irritates me is when people are standing in the aisles talking to other people oblivious to anyone that they are in the way and blocking traffic.. AND even when they see that a line is forming to pass around them, they make no effort to move out of the way or apologize. I saw that so often at the game tonight.

I'm really exhausted today. It's been a long day. And although I want to go to bed, I know that Josh will be calling around midnight for a ride home. There's a homecoming dance at the school tonight. I'm glad he's active in school and has a girlfriend and all of that... but I'll be really happy when he has a driver's license and have his own car. But on the other hand... I'll probably be more worried and will stay up waiting for him anyways. I guess that's they way it is being a mom.

A Rather Cool Meme

Rules

Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place;
add your blog’s name in the #5 spot;
link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. Never promised you a rose garden
2. ShutterJane
3. Bigric
4. Seeking Serenity
5. Story of my Life

Next: select four new friends to add to the pollen count.
(No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

1. Patrick
2. Pixie
3. Susan
4. Summer

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Teaching in my second year at Valleyview Jr. High, unmarried, shortly before I met Richard.

What were you doing 5 years ago?
Working for Jostens, unhappily married, bought my first house (that I lost in the divorce)

What were you doing one year ago?
Dating Marty, still working for Jostens, started investigating Catholicism

What were you doing yesterday?
Buying stuff to make a homecoming mum, RCIA class, taught all day.

5 snacks you enjoy
1. Canned cheese on crackers
2. Beef Jerky
3. Oreos and Milk
4. Chips and dip (french onion)
5. popcorn

5 songs you know all the words to
1. Almost anything by Olivia Newton John, except for some of her obscure music.
2. The Search is Over - Survivor
3. The River - Garth Brooks
4. Breathe - Faith Hill
5. The entire "Into the Woods" CD

5 things you would do if you had a million dollars
1. Buy a new house
2. Quit teaching probably and travel
3. Buy a new car
4. Donate to charity
5. Put some away for Josh's education

5 things you like doing
1. Riding rollercoasters
2. Going to church and RCIA
3. Reading for pleasure when I can
4. Play scrabble
5. Play my clarinet in an ensemble

5 bad habits
1. Procrastination
2. Not enough exercise
3. Spend too much time on the computer
4. Biting/tearing my nails rather than clipping them
5. I leave lights on all over the house and I leave my shoes out

5 things you would never wear again
1. Jellies
2. Large framed glasses
3. Parachute pants
4. Spandex
5. Tube top

5 favourite toys
1. My digital camera
2. My computer
3. Myprinter
4. My new glue gun
5. I can't think of any more toys

Not enough hours

Since I began teaching and I've been involved in RCIA, I am finding there is so little time to get much done. My house is still a wreck, but I figure it will get cleaned when it does. I'm not really complaining as I am thankful that my plate is full these days. If I were still working for Jostens, I'd probably have more free time, but I have to say I really am in a happy place right now... so I don't want to change anything.

Tonight I rushed home from school to pick up Josh and then head to Amarillo to get stuff to make a homecoming mum for his girlfriend. It's a big thing down here in the south and I told Josh she would be disappointed if she didn't have one.... whether she admits it or not. Of course I like the idea of being crafty and creative anyways. The cool thing is that Josh wants to help in the process.
I'm sorry I haven't posted daily. I wish I could do and say more, but I guess that's just how life is at the moment. It's already past my bed time, but I did want to get something up today. I brought home papers to grade tonight although I was fairly certain I would not get to them... which is absolutely true. Oh well. I should really stop giving my students so much work, huh? Well, I am off to bed.

Exhausted

I'm almost too tired to post anything. I didn't sleep much last night. I didn't need a pain pill so I didn't take one, but perhaps I should have just for the sleep. I could go to bed right now, but I have to take Josh to musical rehersal and then pick him up later.

I have tons of grading to do and planning and such and I just don't feel like doing any of it at the moment.

I probably won't do any of it, but I may try to get to school early tomorrow since I'm not carpooling tomorrow.

Sorry, there's not much to say. Teeth are doing fine except for a new tooth that is sore now. Not sure why. I'll schedule my next dentist appointment when I can find the time.

I need to clean the kitchen, but I'm not sure I can move from this chair. Maybe tomorrow.

No Pain?

I really thought my weekend would be absoultely horrible and I'd be in major pain and wanting to sleep all day. Not that I'm complaining that it isn't the case. I found myself awake this morning at 3:30. I guess the pain meds had worn off. I wasn't in pain at all, but I took another pill just to make myself go back to sleep. Today, the only soreness I have is the tooth that had the root canal. I can feel a little discomfort if I bite down on it some. The wisdom teeth extraction doesn't really bother me. There's hardly even any discomfort. It feels a little weird, yes, but nothing bad at all. My cheeks haven't swollen and I actually feel pretty good. I am really amazed. Perhaps I'm just a fast healer or something.
I should be able to go to the marching contest with no problem. I'm still not sure about eating anything solid yet, but am thinking a baked potato sounds good for supper.

Totally survived

I made it through the dentist in record time. I was scheduled for three hours of work and made it through in just two. I guess I was a pretty good patient. I was never "out" of it and didn't sleep or anything, but I really didn't care what they were doing. Only at one point in the beginning I could feel some pain when they were doing something so I raised my hand and they gave me more drugs. Once finished with everything I felt a bit wobbly and loopy, but managed to get out of the chair, pay the bill ($1000 for my portion) and then to my dad's car. We stopped briefly at the pharmacy then made it home. I waited a bit before taking the pain pills as I didn't feel much in the way of pain. I laid down from about 11:30 until 1:00. Then I got up and had some applesauce and soup. I still wasn't in major pain... a little soreness, but decided to take a pain pill. I tried to lay down again around 2:00, but had to deal with some phone calls. I finally went to sleep sometime around 4:00 after Josh got home. I had some weird, vivid and disturbing dreams and then woke up around 6:30. I am now having some blue bell country cooler (orange sherbert & vanilla ice cream). I'll probably stay up for a while and watch some t.v. and then take another pill before bed time.
So far the experience hasn't been nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Sure being in the chair and all of that wasn't great... I especially didn't like the suctioning thing that was cold, but I know it was necessary. I am hopeful that in the long run all of this is definitely worth it. I am happy that within a few months I should have nice, clean healthy teeth and gums.
So thanks for the thoughts, prayers and everything you sent my way. Especially for your dream Summer! Made me feel even better this morning!

Getting ready for the worst

I admit that I tend to plan for the worst a lot of times. Tomorrow is no exception. I'm still very nervous about going back to the dentist to have all sorts of fun things done inside my mouth. I know it will be worth it in the long run, but it doesn't ease my apprehension any. Good news is that I picked up my drugs today. I'll be knocked out tonight as I'm to take it an hour before bedtime and then I'll take it again in the morning an hour and a half before my appointment. I hope that I'll be in la la land for most if not all of the procedure. My dad will be picking me up and taking me to the appointment and then will pick me up and bring me back home.

Tonight I am going out for a feast at Olive Garden since I won't be able to eat real food for a while. I'm going to the store tonight to stock up on yogurt, soup, and applesauce. I guess this will help in losing those pounds I've been wanting to get rid of.

If you're thinking of it or reading this blog on Friday morning... say a little prayer that everything goes well. I'll post again when I come out of my zombie-like state.

Borrowed from Patrick

This could be interesting...or disastrous.
Go to Google and type "(your name) needs". Include the quotation marks. Pick the 5 funniest ones there. (For instance, if your name is James, you would put this in to the search engine: "James needs". You got the idea.)
Then copy and paste this into a new bulletin with your answers filled in:

Jennifer needs a...

...shower
...a title
...to be in a mental facility
...copies of the constituition and by-laws
...to decide which of these many important things is the very most important to her as an individual

Well, I guess I'm off to take my shower this morning since I obviously need one. I'll think of a title later on today and I'm not certain about the mental facility right now.

Avoiding Face to Face contact

I spent all afternoon one day last week to find out about getting social security benefits for Josh. After a few hours I finally got no information, but did get an appointment. But you'd think it would be in person so I can show them the forms they want to see. No. It's a telephone appointment. I am to be waiting for them to call me. I'm not sure why I have to wait almost a month for a phone call, but that's what I have to do. And get this... for this "telephone" appointment, I am supposed to have the following proof: bank statement or checkbook for the account where payments should be deposited, proof of age (birth certificate), proof of death (death certificate). Maybe I'm stupid, but even if I have those documents in my hand, how am I supposed to prove to the person on the PHONE that I have them and they are real? From the letter they sent I guess the phone talk is to file the application. What the heck did I do for the 3 hours waiting in the office? So I guess then I applied to to get a phone call to apply for benefits? And then I suppose I'll still have to take a day off of work to go "show" my documents as proof that Josh is elegible for benefits. What does it take to talk to real people face to face these days and in a timely manner?

I survived my first visit to the dentist

I'm alive. I'm a bit ashamed, yes, but not all hope is lost. I have some problems that need to be dealt with, but the dentist said that we're working with the mind set that we will be saving the teeth that I have. I have gum disease... no surprise as 75% of the population has it. After we get some other issues taken care of we'll be treating that vigorously. I have my next appointment for this Friday for some major things including wisdom teeth extraction, a root canal, and some fillings. After that I'll be looking into getting my gums healthy and a crown for the tooth that will have the root canal.
And I'm going to be drugged up. He prescribed ativan for me to take on Thursday night and then again an hour and a half before my appointment. Hopefully I'll be knocked out enough to not be aware of what's going on.
It will cost an arm and a leg as I figured, but I better get it done now before I start losing more teeth. I guess it's a good thing I got that credit card paid off. Insurance helps some, but it only pays $1500 a year so I'll be owing about $2600 still. But I guess it will be worth it in the long run.

Facing My Fear

I did it and I'm actually shaking right now. And all I did was call and make an appointment with a dentist. I'm scheduled to go in today at 2:30. So please pray for me.

The pain on Saturday was getting to the point it was unbearable. I ended up trying to switch between tylenol and ibuprofen every few hours and it didn't seem to work. Finally after having a bloody mary that night, the pain subsided. But I think a greater hand was at work there. You see I do believe in the power of prayer and I said a prayer to St. Ann to petition on my behalf. I have this holy card that has a prayer to her on it and I did it. And you know what, it worked. Not immediately, but by the time I went to bed I could fall asleep without pain. The rest of the weekend went o.k. I could still feel a little discomfort, but it wasn't anything like on Saturday. I can't eat on it, however, and I have other issues that need to be dealt with like wisdom teeth so I'm sucking it up and just doing it. I hope that he has some really, really good drugs.

A Confession

I have a fear. Sure, we all have them. And mine is not that unusual I guess. But I'm going to have to face it soon.

I am afraid of going to the dentist.

And in almost 36 years, I have never been to one. But I am afraid to go. There's something about needles in my mouth, drills, scraping, drooling, and embarassment that has prevented me from going. That and no money. But I had dental insurance when I taught school 10 years ago and never could muster up the courage to go. But now I'm going to have to because I have major cavity that is causing a great deal of pain right now.

I've pretty much functioned on the avoidance technique of dealing with the problem. Normally I try to tolerate such pain until it goes away, but it's to the point where I don't think I can tolerate it much more.

I'm afraid that he's going to tell me what a terrible state my teeth are in and that he'll just have to yank them all. O.k. I don't think they're that bad, but I know I probably need some major dental work that will probably involve root canals and such. And I have insurance again... I think... I never got an official card or anything, but I did sign up for it. But there are going to be some payments involved and I'm worried that fixing my teeth will cost me an arm and a leg. But I'm going to have to do something. That is why I didn't sleep last night. I ran out of tylenol. That's why I went to Walmart this morning for tylenol and orajel. It's helping some, but it's still not enough.

And now that probably means more days to take off from school. More money to spend. But if I can get rid of the pain, I guess it will be worth it.

Walmart at 5 in the morning

It is interesting to go to Walmart at 5:00 a.m. I'll explain more in another post, but suffice to say I haven't had much sleep. I got about an hour before Josh got up at 3:45, then had to take him up to the school at 4:15. After I dropped him off I went to Walmart.

I can't imagine having to work there that early in the morning. They had baskets and baskets of stuff that needed to be sorted and put back on the shelves. They also have out some good sales baskets, but I didn't want to dig through them.

Now I'm going to head back to bed hopefully in a drug-induced coma of sorts. Look for another post later today... like this afternoon perhaps.

A Short Week

We had a four day week this past week with a teacher inservice today and will also have Monday off. The inservice wasn't as terrible as they usually are. I was able to meet with the other two speech teachers that I hadn't met yet. One was from the high school and the other was from the junior high. We spent the rest of the time watching the movie "Stand By Me." I really like that movie.

During the lunch break I went back to my room at the school and figured out a way to set up my room for new computers (wishful thinking) and rearrange my desks. I asked (again) about getting new computers hooked up earlier this week and the answer I got was that I had to get rid of the old ones in my room first before they would hook up new ones. I could put in a work order to have them removed, but the wait would be a month or more. I wish I could have been told this at the beginning of the year. So I had to find a place to put them (all 18) and then unhook everything and move them. I had the oral interp class come help do that on Thursday. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning the desks up. Today I rearranged everything. I also started working on all the papers that have needed to be filed forever. I got a good start, but got tired and decided to do some of it this weekend.

I have to take Josh to school in the morning at 4:30 a.m. He is leaving to go to a marching contest in Oklahoma. I'll have all day tomorrow by myself. No speech tournament, no kid, just me. What am I to do? I'm thinking about taking myself to the movies. I want to see "In Her Shoes." I read the book last year and really enjoyed it. I know the movies are usually never as good as the book, but I still think it would be enjoyable. So that's my life right now. Not much excitement, unless you count filing and moving tables as being exciting.

Nothing interesting

I wish I could update you with interesting tales of my day and perhaps some juicy information about my love life, but I can't. Life is the same old stuff. Not that it's bad to have a routine to it. But my blogging is a bit dry. I don't know what to write about when I'm not whining about some man breaking my heart.

Speaking of guys that have broken my heart... haven't heard from Marty in a while and that's o.k. I think I'm over him. It's not to say that I don't like him or care for him or anything.. I've always said he'll remain special to me, but I find myself not obssessed with thoughts of him. I guess it's being busy, but it's also the realization that he's not taken an interest in staying in touch. I think the majority of our conversations since he's been gone has been initiated by me save one or two. And that's o.k., but I realize that I am no longer "special." O.k. I basically realized that a long time ago, but now I guess it has sunk in. I know he's busy and he's got a lot going on. But I'm certain he stays in regular contact with his girls, understandably.

There's things about being in a relationship that I do miss, but I'm trying to fill my time with other things so I don't ponder it so much. I miss things like holding hands, kissing, and long conversations. But when it's right, it will happen again. I'm to a point where I'm not actively looking for it. I stated earlier that I'm no longer going to go out with anyone that I meet online and I've taken myself off all the singles websites. I'll try to be patient and wait for God's choice for me.

And it's way past my bed time so I must be off. Perhaps there will be more to share tomorrow. Stay tuned.

The Waiting Game

I decided to go ahead and go to the social security office today despite not having a death certificate. I took a copy of the newspaper announcement, Josh's birth certificate, and a copy of the paternity test just in case. I forgot one important thing, however. Jacob's social security number. So after waiting an hour listening to screaming kids, hearing profanity uttered as those leaving were not happy with their news, and people watching I was told they couldn't help me without his mother's maiden name or knowing his social. So I drove home quickly and found my file of child support information that had his social security number listed. I drove back to Amarillo and waited again. This time it only took about 30 minutes. Once I got there, they were able to get the information entered that he was deceased and then I was set up for an appointment. The first available date was Oct. 31. Well, I guess it's better than nothing. So there is hope on the horizon!

Dealing with Death

I took the day off presumptively thinking I could get a lot accomplished today. I rescheduled my yearly physical for today (the one I haven't had in two years due to lack of health insurance). I also planned to get a copy of the death certificate for Josh's dad and go to social security so I could get started on applying for benefits.
I did get the doctor's appointment out of the way, but no such luck on a death certificate. At first they weren't keen on letting me get it because I wasn't married to him, but then I explained that he was my son's father and I wanted to apply for social security benefits. They decided they would do it, except it hadn't been filed yet. Turns out they had an autopsy ordered (not surprising since it was suicide), but the judge hasn't released the case so no luck there.
I called his wife to see if the funeral home would have anything and she said that they told her it would take 4-6 weeks at the time she talked to them. So now it's possibly another 2-4 weeks. Which means I'll have to take another day off most likely to get all of that taken care of. What a pain.
With no child support, the social security was my hope of salvation financially. I am down to $14 in my bank account and I don't get paid until the 20th. Today I got a cash advance on my credit card (the one I just paid off) in order to get by. Josh is going on a band trip this weekend and he needs meal money.
But despite all that, life is still good. I'm still doing well emotionally and physically. I've officially lost 29 lbs since my all time high weight and the last 5 or 6 has been in the last six weeks or so. I hope I continue to lose more. I wish I could talk myself into adding a little exercise, but I'm still not listening on that point.
Well, gotta go get some stuff done and not have this day completely wasted.

Ahhh Sleep

It was nice to sleep in today. Unfortunately I was up at 3:15 a.m. because Josh was supposed to be kidnapped by upperclassmen in the band, but I guess it didn't work out. So I was up until about 4:30 and then went back to bed.
Today I decided to wash my bedding and do some dishes so I wasn't completely lazy. Tomorrow will be church all morning, and then in the afternoon I am thinking of going to the high school and trying to get some work done there.
Tonight I'm going to try to get some of my book read for church, but it's slow going so far. I did finally update my secret blog. It had been a while, but I'm still going to try to post there from time to time. And I am keeping up with my new Catholic blog fairly regularly.
And that's all there is to say for the moment. It's time to get back to work.