Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Speechless again...

but for an entirely different reason. First let me explain some things. I've kept my distance from Marty so to speak out of personal necessity. My blog readers that have been with me since the courtship, dating, and breakup and the things that followed know that it was a hard thing for me. Of all the men in my life I really, really loved him with my whole heart. I didn't hold anything back and plunged in headfirst. Maybe that was my mistake. But it doesn't matter. We're no longer together and that's the way it's supposed to be and I came to terms with the matter. A part of me will certainly always love him, but I had to stop being in love with him. On one occasion while he was still in Alaska, I called him and I finally got the sense that I didn't matter to him any more. Maybe he had to live in that thought process and it came through on the phone, but that's when I finally "got it" and let go. It took time, but I did eventually "get over" him. I have certainly kept him in my prayers. I will continue to do so along with his mother in hopes that he, too, will find his way back to his faith. But as far as simply "thinking" about him or making contact with him, I've tried to avoid it. I have, however, found myself simply driving down the road and his name just pops into my head. No rhyme or reason to it, it is just there. I try to dismiss it and think about other things and ask myself why in the world am I thinking about him again? And that's they way I've been operating for a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasion IM's that happen maybe once a month, but nothing major. I've even prayed for God to take away those thoughts of him because they serve no purpose and I should focus more on other things. But every once in a while when I absolutely least expect it, he makes an appearance... not in my head, but for real.

Can anyone tell me why Marty contacts me when he's drunk? So I talked to him on the phone tonight. Had a nice long conversation. Nothing serious, just general stuff. But I got the feeling that he missed me. Sure, I know it's probably just the alcohol talking and maybe it was just him missing the physical stuff. But there was a semi-serious moment when he said that he had kept everything I had given him. I sometimes wonder what's going on in his head. Ahh... the great mystery of the universe! I think he is a bit surprised at how I've changed... he kept saying that he needs to corrupt me some more and I told him that I needed to work on cleaning him up and get him into a church. We agreed that would be an interesting challenge. He mentioned the idea of me coming down to Florida at some point. I'd have to give that some thought. On one hand I know it's probably just a very bad idea altogether. On the other, I think I'm in a good place and I could handle it. But then I also know that I'm probably just fooling myself in that regard. Then again, a road trip would be awesome and that means I could stop and see my wonderful friend Jonathon on the way. That also means ROLLERCOASTERS. There are several in Florida that I really want to ride.

O.k. I know. I know that Marty was probably not good for me. I know he didn't deserve me. I know I deserved better... yada, yada, yada. I also know that he has a good solid heart. I'm not writing this about any hopes of rekindling the flames with him. I do miss him as a friend because he truly was and is a wonderful friend. And I have so few friends in real life that not having that special someone to just talk to can get to you, you know? I know that my blogging friends are so wonderful and they are the absolute best... but the problem is that there's still that missing link of face to face personal contact.

O.k.... maybe not speechless... but still confused as ever. Why me? I keep thinking of my good friend Carol. She was there with me as the relationship came crashing down and I was taking my baby steps into the Church. She heard all about Marty. And she kept telling me that she didn't think that things were truly over for us and there might be a bigger plan involved. I would say "maybe, but I doubt it." But her hope always seemed to be there. I don't know. I do wonder, however, why he keeps popping in from time to time. Oh how I wish I knew what was going on inside his head and his heart. Problem is that I think even Marty doesn't know what's going on in there. I do hope one day he figures it out. I do wish for his happiness. And that's all I can do at the moment.


Summer said...

I'm not a religious person. I do believe in God. How can I not? I'm not sure if he has a plan or just lets us run willy nilly around. Is He like a loving parent that watches in amusement and steps in when we need His protection? I don't know. But I do like to think that maybe He knows better and will guide us all in the right direction. All we have to do is pay attention to that still small voice. Some of us though, will never listen.

Michelle said...

For a non-religious person, your comment had good insight.

"Proverbs 16:9 -
A man's heart plans his way: but the LORD directs his steps."