I guess he's over me

I haven’t heard from Marty in several weeks. Even with the few short IM’s I received a while back (over a month now) I haven’t really communicated with him since April. And even then it was stifled because of him distancing himself at that point. No phone calls. No emails. I don’t IM him because I feel if he wants to talk to me he’ll send me a message. I know he hasn’t read my blog in weeks as well. And maybe he’ll read this at some point, but I have needed to get this out for a while.
It really kind of hit me yesterday. I was driving back from Dalhart after seeing Brian. I know I shouldn’t have been listening to the CD I had made for Marty, but I was. I’m still not certain about things with Brian and it’s much too early to really put too much thought into a relationship (more about that later), but I’ve been thinking about whether or not I’m really still ready to move on.
A part of me certainly is. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having that special someone that is there for me. I miss holding hands and kissing. I miss going out. But one problem is that I also still miss Marty and it’s hard. I wonder if I’m even a passing thought to him. I wonder if he ever really loved me. I know I have to move on. Logically I know this. But what do you tell you heart? How do you stop loving someone that originally stole your heart? And how can I possibly keep loving someone that broke it? Do I need more time? Should I put dating on hold until my heart completely heals? Will dating help heal my heart? So many questions and no right answers. If Marty had wanted to stick it out with me, I would have waited for him. It would have been a difficult year, but I thought he was worth it. I guess maybe I was mistaken.
And it hurts that it seems that Marty has gotten over me. Which makes me think that perhaps he really wasn’t that in to our relationship. Of course this is all speculation on my part and I’m sure I’ll never know what’s going on in his head. But why did I fall so deeply when at first I didn’t even want to? Was it desperation? I don’t have the answers and my past shouldn’t really dictate my future, but it does have an effect. The only thing I know is that I need to take my time with things and yet I’m falling back into old habits and it scares me.
Brian really likes me. I’m not sure how I feel about him yet. I know that at this point I don’t have to know, but at what point do you start looking at someone you’re going out on dates with as relationship material? Should you consider that from the beginning? Or should you try a few people on and see who fits? What if there aren’t any others to try on?
I told Brian the other day that if I had known him in high school, I would never have dated him. He would not have been my type at all. And now I wonder what exactly is MY type. And then my friend Pam nailed it by saying, “Maybe we’re not supposed to have a ‘type’.”
Brian has a lot of good qualities that are attractive to me. But at the same time I’m not sure I really know him yet. I know it’s early in the dating process and it takes time before two people show their true colors. A part of me wishes that Brian would try to date just more than me. I don’t want to be his rebound relationship. But does everybody have to go through them? Was Marty mine and I his? Is that why things didn't work out between us?

So, I went to see Brian on Friday. I helped clean up some stuff off of his computer. I met his girls, but didn’t get a chance to really get to know them as they all had plans that evening. We hung out at his house for a while having some margaritas. We kissed some. He introduced me to his dad and step-mother and then he took me out to dinner. Afterwards we hung out some more and then went to play pool. He tried to teach me some (amidst kicking my ass) and maybe a little of it sunk in. We got back to his house around midnight and it was obviously too late for me to head home. So I stayed the night. And before you get too judgmental, we didn’t have sex. Now, I didn’t say that we didn’t fool around some and yes, I’m feeling guilty about that. But we do talk about all of this and he knows my feelings about things. As far as the fooling around goes, I was pushing the buttons so I’m just as guilty about it all. I am finding it is hard to break some old habits. But I really don’t want another relationship that evolves around sex. I want to get to know someone and become friends. But I guess if Brian is worth it, then he’ll understand about all of this and be o.k. with it.
I’m nervous about him falling for me. I’m not in the same place he is and I don’t know if I ever will be. I went through this with Patrick and it was difficult. I hated hurting him, but I know he’s the better for it as he soon found Tiffany.
I don’t know if all this is because I haven’t totally gotten over Marty or if something is still off with Brian. I don’t know the answers. What I do know is that I still enjoy being with him and talking to him. And I want to get to know him. I don’t want to shut any doors, but I do need to be honest with him.
I’m not sure what love is any more. Maybe I’ll figure it out one of these days. But in the meantime, I guess I just need to take it one step at a time and stop analyzing so dang much.


I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
~Amy Lowell, "The Letter"