Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Too Good to be True?

Isn't that always the case? O.k. it's not that I'm trying to be pessimistic. It's a little bit in my nature and those of you that read my blog know that I constantly worry about things. Yeah, so sue me.

Well, anyways. I made Brian "think" last night. I know, I know. Why did I go and do a stupid thing like that for? Men aren't supposed to think too much because that generally leads to trouble. But I kind of have this hankering for honesty thing going on and felt the need to explain my position on not leaving Canyon. And it gave him pause to think because he has no intentions of leaving Dalhart for five more years.

And why do we bring all this up when we're not even quite a relationship? Well, I guess because I see the potential there. And I figure if he's going to bail, it's best to do it before I get emotionally attached.

I told him last night that I kind of had a bad feeling about it all and I'm probably 80% accurate on bad feelings, but he tried to assure me that he is not intending to bail and that it's early and we'll see how things go.

So now I'm the one thinking.

Let's play the what-if game, shall we? Let's assume for a moment that Brian is "it". He's the one I'm supposed to be with and will live happily ever after. If that's the case, then it will be at least five years before we can really be together. O.k. granted, I was going to wait that long for Marty, but I also figured that we'd be married before then and just deal with distance for a couple of years. And five years is not necessarily forever, but a part of me wants to get a move on. I know to not get married for the sake of getting married... been there, have the t-shirt. But I also want to move on with my life and be secure financially, emotionally, and what-not.

And if Brian isn't the one? I guess I'll figure that out in time. And it's not that it would be a waste to date and then end up being friends. It's just hard to keep having to deal with that. I guess I want the fairy tale and I'm learning that things are never that easy. You can't just meet the right person, fall in love, and live happily ever after I guess. But it happens to some people. Why not me?

And I'm still wondering why he has pursued me. Yeah, sure, I'm pretty irrestible once people get to know me. But he pushed really hard for me in the beginning though I was upfront about my stance on things.

So where does this leave me? Nowhere really. I just had to get it out. I still want to see him. I guess that I am a masochist or something. It's like knowing that cheesecake will make you fat, but you just can't help but eat it. (or is that just me?)

I'm still trying him on to see if he fits. And what if he does? Guess I'll jump that creek when we get to it. I still think he has yet to completely open up with me. I don't know that he's necessarily hiding anything, but I'm still waiting for the other brick to fall. As you know... it's the story of my life.

No comments: