Another Meme Stolen from Martha, Martha

I am supposed to list five idiosycracies, but I ended up putting six. Feel free to list your own in your blog.

Five (or six) Idiosyncrasies:

1. I do not allow people to read over my shoulder especially the newspaper. I really hate it when someone is trying to read over my shoulder and since I typically read fast, they tell me to wait before turning the page or something and it drives me nuts. And when I have a Sunday newspaper, I have to be the first to read it and you can’t have any other sections before I have gotten to them. And I read the cartoons last, so don’t even ask.

2. I can’t watch scary movies unless I know how it ends. I hate scary movies in general, but sometimes I’ll watch them if I already know what happens. That’s the only reason I watched the Sixth Sense because Josh told me about it beforehand. My ex-husband once made the mistake of basically forcing me to go see The Ghost and the Darkness and I still haven’t forgiven him for that.

3. Usually when I fly I make sure I have a Bible with me. I used to always take the New Testament that I got when Josh was born. I don’t know if it was superstition but I always felt better just having it with me. This is even when I was not going to church at all. I tended to wear my cross necklace as well. But I have since lost that necklace and I really wished I still had it. I now have a crucifix that I always wear, but I miss that necklace. My ex-husband bought it for me as a gift.

4. I don’t answer the phone at home unless I know who is calling. I hate dealing with telemarketers and bill collectors. I’m not assertive enough to just tell them no and to stop calling. So I use the avoidance technique. I love having caller ID.

5. Although I teach speech and do not mind speaking or performing in public, I really am a shy person. I don’t have a lot of friends because I’m not very outgoing. I haven’t gotten to know very many other parents in Josh’s class. In social situations I tend to keep to myself.

6. I don’t eat vegetables. I really don’t. There are a few exceptions, but basically all I eat are corn, potatoes and salad fixings. I don’t eat any other cooked vegetables.
   

Is it Friday yet?

It's just been a long week. I guess when you don't get a weekend break, the week seems really long. I don't know whether I should keep fighting the battle to get my kids to do their work and not fail speech or if I should give up and let them learn the hard way. It's kind of a damned if you do and damned if you don't. If I keep fighting then I'm spending a lot of extra time for kids that will probably fail anyways. If I let them fail, then I risk getting a "talking to" because kids aren't passing my classes. As I was sorting through my piles and piles of files that still need to be sorted, I came across something I created the last year I taught junior. It was a contract that I had the students sign so they could decide if they wanted to pass or fail my class. It gave them the option to refuse to do assignments with the understanding that copies would be sent to their parents.
It would be one thing if my class was just an elective, but they have to have it before they graduate. The thing is that some have no intention to graduate and they're just waiting until they're of age to get out of school. I think it's really sad. But what can I do? I would like to make a difference, but sometimes I'm not sure I know how. But I guess I'll keep reaching. Maybe someone will grasp at some point. It's still early in the year and I know I tend to be impatient. But I'm already thinking about which battles I should choose and if they're worth it.

Mondays

I need more sleep now. I just posted about having enough, but going to speech tournaments and then then having a busy Sunday makes for a very short weekend.

The speech tournament was great. My students did very well and we ended up winning first place sweepstakes. I had one student that was added in the oratory event on Thursday. She planned (not wrote) her speech on the bus on the way up there and ended up taking first place. But it was a long day. I got up at 4:30 on Saturday, left for the tournament by 6:00 a.m., and didn't get home until 12:30 Sunday morning.

On Sunday, I went ahead and went to early mass at 8:30, then had our Adult Faith Formation class. I came home and made some lunch. I then got a phone call from Josh's paternal grandfather. He called to say he was in Amarillo and would like to come visit Josh. I told him that he was more than welcome to. He came with his ex-wife (Josh's grandmother). They stayed for about 20 minutes and visited with us. They said that they wanted to stay in touch and keep up with Josh. I think Josh really appreciated the effort. Josh does want to get to know his other family and I think he should. I am glad they are reaching out and making the effort.

Today was a long day at school. I guess I haven't quite caught up on sleep. After I got home, I took a nap for about an hour and a half and now I'll be headed to bed soon. I did get a little work done, but there's still more to do. Maybe I'll get caught up one of these days. Luckily, the next speech tournament isn't until the end of October.

Just wanted to give you a quick update. Nothing new in my love life or anything else remotely exciting.

Meme

Borrowed from Marth, Martha who borrowed it elsewhere.

Rules:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to it).
3. Find the 5th sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.


"It was a bit intimidating, but still really fun."

Sleep

It's Friday and I'm glad. I was surprised to find myself awake at 5:30 this morning and not really tired. I tried to stay in bed, but decided to get up at 5:45. That gave me an extra 30 minutes this morning which was really nice. I am really awed by the fact that it seems lately I don't have such big issues with sleep deprivation as I once had. I used to so NOT be a morning person. Getting up at 6:00 usually was something that was very difficult. I always felt completely exhausted despite going to bed by 9:00 or 10:00. But now that I think about it, I'm thinking why is it different now? Does it have something to do with my age? Is it just that something internal is working differently now? I'm thinking that perhaps for the first time in a VERY long time, I'm actually get almost a full night's sleep. I think for a very long time I did not sleep very peacefully. I always had too many things to worry about. When I was married, I would stay awake wondering when and if my husband would be coming to bed. I would worry about finances, my job, my husband, my son, and so many other things. It's not that I don't worry about those things... well, not the husband any more, but I'm really trying to place my worries in God's hands. I'm really, really trying to let go of the control I always want to have. Because I just can't do it any more. But ever since I started going to church, sleep has not been such a problem. I can't say that I've changed drastically, but I do think I have changed quite a bit. And even though I still don't know how I'm going to pay all my bills this month, I'm not going to worry about it. If they get paid, great, and if not, I guess I jump that creek when I get to it. I realize that if the money isn't there, it's just not there. So it's time to move on.

Even though I've been struggling with a lot of issues like my finances, my love life, the death of Josh's dad, a new job, my car, my house... the list goes on... I find myself in a position where life is still o.k. Normally I would feel completely overwhelmed. But I am realizing that there's only so much I can do, and I've decided to let God handle the rest. And that brings me a great deal of peace and I'm finding joy in life again. I am happy with my job, with my son and most things in my life. And the rest will fall into place when the time is right. I'm not saying I'm not going to bitch in this blog any more... by no means have I reached perfection... but I'm just saying that despite everything, life isn't too bad right now. Not saying it's great, but I have faith that things will work out the way they're supposed to. They always seem to despite myself.

Josh. I have a talented son. O.k. I've said that a time or two before and perhaps I may be a little bit biased. But, the stadium at the high school game tonight got a glipse of how talented he is as well. Josh is playing in the pit for marching season (xylophone) although his main instrument is the clarinet. So this is a new instrument for him. The band is playing a fairly difficult show as they are playing excerpts from the opera "Carmen". In the 3rd movement of this piece, the pit is supposed to be featured with a very wicked keyboard part. (xylophone, marimba, bells, etc.) Unfortunately, they hadn't quite gotten their act together on getting it down. Except for Josh. So tonight at the game when the announcer was introducing the 3rd movement, he said that the piece featured the percussion especially Josh *****. I know that made him quite nervous, but when it got to the big part, he nailed it. And he got a huge applause. And I was glowing. I was so very proud.

Hump Day

Middle of the week. I don't know if that is good or bad. I usually am thinking that it's great that the weekend is coming up, but I have to take students to a speech tournament by myself. We're planning on leaving at 6 a.m.

I didn't blog yesterday because I was just too tired. I came home and fell asleep in the chair. Then I went and picked up supper because I didn't want to cook. I was in bed by 9:30. I must be getting old or something.

Today is nerd day at school. I'm one of the few teachers that have dressed up. I think it's sad when teachers are too frumpy to take part in school spirit. Yesterday was hat and shades day and I wore my tall marvin hat that glows in the dark. I'll try to get a picture of today's outfit posted soon. Tomorrow is dress like your float day. (Each class builds a float based on a theme.) I'm technically a Jr. class sponsor so I have to go with a James Bond theme tomorrow. I think I'll just wear one of my formal dresses.

I think I'm losing weight. I've noticed some of my clothes feeling more loose and I think the scale is definitely going down some. And I'm not really trying. It's probably good that I'm not driving all day and drinking lots of cokes and eating fast food. I hope to continue to lose a little more. I wonder what would happen if I actually put some effort into it.

I got news from the attorney general's office today. I was amazed that I got a response from my initial request about simply getting child support (before all the stuff happened) after only about two weeks. I responded back telling about his dad's passing and they told me that they don't handle estate issues and that I'd have to hire a private attorney. The problem is that I can't afford an attorney and the point is to be able to get Josh part of Jacob's estate. I'd hate to hire an attorney and then give have of Josh's money to them. Maybe I'm overexaggerating, but they seem to be very expensive. I guess I'll see what I can do on my own before I jump in. Perhaps my dad's attorney can help me out some.

Well, that's all the news in my world right now. RCIA is tonight and I'm looking forward to that.

Funerals

You know.. being an adult sucks sometimes. I know I've said that before. But in the past two years, I have attended 4 funeral/memorial services. Before that time, I had attended two. I know it will get more frequent as we get older and I know that death is just a part of life, but it is really sad when someone as young as myself is no longer with us.

Josh did wonderful. I received many, many compliments about him. People telling me what a handsome young man he is and how polite he is. Heather and his sisters were so very glad to see him. I don't think he cried, because... you know it's a boy thing to not cry. I'm not sure how he felt about all of this, but I'm sure it will stick in his mind.

The nice thing was that Jacob's family had a lot of nice things to say and stories to tell. I was a blubbering idiot. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. Jacob made some terrible mistakes, but the one very wonderful and precious thing he did was give me my son. And I kept thinking about that today. And I was saddened that he left before getting the chance to perhaps make amends with Josh.

One thing that was mentioned many times in the service was Jacob's love of music. And that made me cry. Josh is following in his dad's footsteps in that respect. Josh has a passion for music, much like his dad did. That is how Jacob and I met after all. We were both in the WT band and both kind of on the rebound from relationships. We didn't really even "date", but I guess you could say we had some good times together.

Want to hear something funny? Watching "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" always reminds me of him. Jacob would come over to my apartment and several times we would start watching that movie... but never really finished it, if you know what I mean. It was always a little joke between us for years afterwards.

But today was very sad. A lady even came up to me because I had been crying so much. She was a grief counselor that wanted to help. But that's just how I am. I have to get it out today and then move on. It won't stay. But I kept thinking about how much Jacob is going miss in seeing Josh and his girls grow up. Not that he had much of a relationship with Josh, but I thought that perhaps time could heal the wounds. I had to come to forgiveness for Jacob. One thing about my journey back to church, it has made me realize that I have to forgive those that have hurt me and my family. It's hard sometimes, but we have to. I hope Josh is able to forgive some day as well.

Josh met a lot of family that hadn't seen him since he was a baby. They all remarked on how handsome he was and how sad that they hadn't seen him. I assured them that they were welcome to stay in touch with us at any time. It's not that I ever kept him from visiting his family, but neither of us made any effort I guess. So we'll see if they do stay in touch.

I got disturbing news after we came home today. It turns out that Josh's English teacher had told his class what had happened. They're not certain, but some students thought she even mentioned that it was suicide. I find that very inappropriate. It's bad enough that everyone has to know your father just passed away and people will make a big enough deal out of that, but to add the stigma of suicide is just plain mean. I can't be certain of what she actually said, but I will be writing a letter to the teacher and to the principal. It may be an honest mistake, but for someone like Josh that doesn't like that kind of attention, it will make things difficult.

Tonight is back to school night and I think I'm going to have to skip Josh's English class. I don't want to have to say something I will regret.

Browser & Email Issues

I've been having issues using Internet explorer. When I would try to visit certain pages, they wouldn't completely load because of the images or something. It was getting very frustrating trying to read some of my favorite blogs and visiting websites. The only thing that would seem to fix the problem is rebooting the computer altogether.
I had heard about the new browser called firefox, but never downloaded it because everything on my browser (at the time) was working. But since downloading it today, it seems to have fixed all the problems I had with the other pages and they seem to load a lot faster.
I also noticed that using outlook express was taking a lot of time to load as well. So I downloaded the mozilla email program called Thunderbird and it seems to work well. Both programs imported all my bookmarks and emails. The Thunderbird program also has a built-in junk mail feature which I like. On outlook, to specify something as junk mail you had to block the sender from you list which meant going through a few windows. On Thunderbird, you can do it with a click of a button.
I don't know much more about the bells and whistles with these two programs, but so far I think they're great.

40 things

Borrowed from someone else and I had nothing better to do... other than take a shower and get dressed this morning. But here goes:

1. My uncle once: took me on a camping trip with my aunt and cousins and I discovered how much I hate camping.

2. Never in my life: have I jumped out of an airplane. But I might some day.

3. When I was five: I guess I calmed down after having 108 stitches that came from getting my head stuck in a cabinet (3 behind the ear), falling off of a slid (20 in my head), and getting hit by a car and breaking my neck (80 from the surgery on my neck).

4. High School was: a lot of great times with friends. Band was a blast. I was successful with band and speech.

5. I will never forget: anything. O.k. I do forget where I leave my keys and other such things, but as far as other “stuff” I tend to have a memory like an elephant.

6. I once met: Penn, from Penn & Teller. And I can’t say I really met him. I took a picture of my then husband with him after we saw his show.

7. There's this girl I know who: I know several… but for the life of me can’t think of anything interesting to say right now. Will have to skip this one.

8. Once, at a bar: I got a mini lap dance. And it really was a strip club… not just a bar. Not something I’m proud of, but I thought that if I tried supporting my then husband in his “interests”, I wouldn’t be so upset by his wandering eyes. Didn’t work, but it was interesting.

9. By noon, I'm usually: gearing up for the bulk of my afternoon classes. I have 4 classes from noon until 3:50.

10. Last night: I did laundry, watched t.v., and made really yummy chicken parmesan.

11. If I only had: Money. It may be the root of all evil, but I sure could use a little more these days.

12. Next time I go to church: will be on Wednesday night for RCIA. And then again on Sunday.

13. Terry Shiavo: very sad.

14. What worries me most: right now, money. I also worry whether I’m doing a good job with my son. I want him to grow up happy and be successful in whatever he chooses.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: bookshelves loaded with books. I immediately see the shelf with Janet Evanovich and Sue Grafton books.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: The hallway, my dad’s old victrola.

17. You know I'm lying when: you don’t. I’m not necessarily proud, but generally if I’m lying you won’t know it.

18. What I miss most about the eighties: the music. The fact that life was so much more simple then.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I'd be: Lady McBeth… at least that is what my ex would say… because I wanted to tell him what to do. I think I might be more like Juliet, but smarter… I wouldn’t kill myself over love, but I might do some stupid things.

20. By this time next year: I will be in probably the same place I am… but will be Catholic. I’d like to think that perhaps I might find someone to date, by then, but it’s not very promising.

21. A better name for me would be: I don’t know… I think I fit my name. I did hear from my parents that they almost decided on Michelle. But I don’t think that would have fit me.

22. I have a hard time understanding: stupidity. People that are mean. Geometry.

23. If I ever go back to school, I'll: get my masters and certification in Library Science.

24. You know I like you if: I talk to you… I don’t know… I like everybody until they tick me off.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: whomever helped me achieve that particular award and my son.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Interesting notions, great music, cowboy (had to look him up), and the wrong woman for the job.

27. Take my advice, never: underestimate a woman scorned.

28. My ideal breakfast is: French toast, bacon, and hashbrowns.

29. A song I love, but do not have is: “I can only imagine” It was played at my mom’s memorial service, but I don’t have the CD.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you got to the Panhandle Plains Museum and to Palo Duro Canyon.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: Pretty, we all have them, vital, and Jesse Owens.

32. Why won't people: just be nice? Just move on? Forgive more easily?

33. If you spend the night at my house: you need to give me a day’s notice and love animals.

34. I'd stop my wedding for: cheesecake… not really. I don’t know. A tornado warning?

35. The world could do without: People that are mean and stupid. And crickets, roaches and most insects in general.

36. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: I'd rather die than lick the belly of a cockroach.

37. My favorite blonde is: is my friend Stephanie, who is more brunette than blonde, but is the closest one I can think of.

38. Paper clips are more useful than: thumbtacks… I don’t know. Stupid question.

39. If I do anything well, it's: playing my clarinet, working on computers, and kiss.

40. And by the way: I’m not dating anyone from the internet any more.

Reporting In

Got back from the speech tournament on Saturday night around 10:00. It was good that I drove myself. Our students did pretty well. We had several make it to finals and one girl placed third in foreign extemporaneous speaking and it was the first time she had ever done that event.

Josh is doing well. He doesn't seem upset and is going about things normally. We are going to the memorial service tomorrow. I tried calling Jacob's wife, but she hasn't returned any of my calls. I'm wondering why, but perhaps she is just overwhelmed. I finally called the funeral home to get information on when the service would be. It is at 2:00 tomorrow. Josh will go to school in the morning and I will pick him up at lunch. I am not going to school as it would be pointless to go for one period in the morning and then come back. I went to the school today to leave my instructions.

I went to Mass this morning and then stayed for the adult classes that the priest is teaching. We will be studying the Gospel of Luke. It really is kind of nice to get back into church and studying the Bible. Only problem is that one of the books the priest wants us to get is $37 if I buy from him or $50 at Barnes and Noble. I'm going to go look online and see if I can find one a little cheaper.. perhaps used.

I'm getting my hair cut on Thursday. It's an expense I'm not sure I should do, but I really, really need to do something. I really have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but am thinking of just leaving it in the hands of the stylist and tell her give me something easy to style and looks good.

Going to make supper in just a bit (Parmesan Chicken) and then perhaps just veg tonight. I'm glad I don't have to get up too early in the morning.

Bad News

I don't know any other way to put the title. But I guess that's what you'd say it is. I'm writing this post now while I can get my thoughts processed and out, but it won't be posted until the morning.

I got a call from Heather. To remind you, she is the soon to be or now ex-wife of Josh's dad, Jacob. She called to tell me that Jacob had killed himself. He committed suicide and was found today (Friday) at Buffalo Lake which is about 10 miles from Canyon. I don't know any other details except that they had found suicide notes in his apartment that he recently moved in to.

I was not surprised by the news. Even before she told me, I knew that was why she was calling. I can't say that I feel remorse because he really did screw up. And I'm not going to air all the dirty laundry on here, but will tell you that what he did is something that affected Josh and Jacob was on probation because of it. Jacob lost a relationship with Josh two years ago. I am also not surprised that Jacob took the easy way out. He has always been a selfish bastard. Pardon my language, but it's how I knew him.

My main concern right now is about Josh. I am not certain how he is going to take it. That is why I am not posting this tonight as I am writing it. I want to be able to tell him first. He is gone with the band to a football game. I will tell him in the morning. I was supposed to be in Hereford by 5:45 a.m. to leave for our speech tournament, but I called the other teacher and told her the situation. I told her that if Josh was o.k., that I would meet her at the tournament later.

I think he will shrug it off at first because he has not wanted anything to do with his father for two years. But I'm more worried about what will be going on inside his head that he won't share with me. I'm going to have to get him some counseling. Because this has to affect him in some way. Maybe it will be helpful, but his health class just covered suicide. How Josh reacts and the effect it has on him is my biggest worry right now.

But I'm also worried about the fact that this means no more child support. Sure he wasn't paying regularly, but I did get a nice surprise from time to time. But then again, at least now I KNOW that it isn't coming. Technically it is still owed despite his death, but unless he has left some kind of estate, Josh won't see a penny.

I am also sad for Heather and her girls. I know it must be very tough on her because she was married to him and had three children with him. He screwed up, but she stood by him as long as she could.

In rereading this post, it seems so matter-of-fact, but I really don't know any other way to state what has happened. I am upset for Josh's sake and sad for Heather, but that is it. Is there something wrong with that?

***Update***

I have told Josh. His response was "wow." I asked him if he thought he would want to go to the funeral and he said yes. That surprised me a little, but now that I think about it, it really doesn't. He's seems to be taking it well as I thought he would. I am going to get him into counseling soon though.

I am off to the tournament and won't be home until late tonight.

New Blog

I know I shouldn't. I know I should not create another blog when I have the second blog that I haven't updated in a while. But that blog is for the things that I feel I cannot post in this one. I'm discovering, however, that is not many things.

My new blog, however, is to chronicle my journey into the Catholic Church. If you're interested in following it, then please read. If not, then don't. This new blog is really for myself and to track my progress as I am taking these steps.

Pointless

I spent the day at our administration building learning the most pointless stuff today. I had to go because it is a law that all staff gets trained on this crap. You know what my training boiled down to? You cannot physically restrain a student or lock them in the closet. Geez... I needed to spend a day there to learn that? You know why we had to do that? Because some idiot teacher some time probably did just that and now they have to make sure teachers go through six very long hours and get that point drilled into their head. I'm glad they provided cokes for us, otherwise I would not have survived.

For lunch I went to Sonic. I called my former mother-in-law to see if she was available, but only got her machine. She called me back after I had finished lunch, but I met her anyways and had some dessert. It was nice to see her again and catch up on things.

Tonight I'm here by myself and not sure what to do. Josh volunteered to play at the Freshman football game tonight so I'm home alone. I don't have papers to grade since I didn't go to school today. I don't have any school stuff to work on. I guess this means I need to catch up on housework, huh? Especially since I'll be gone all day on Saturday. I have to leave for Hereford a little after 5 a.m. on Saturday morning. What fun!

I Lied

O.k. so I said you wouldn't hear from me for a while. I'm actually feeling a little better. It's very strange. I said a prayer to feel better for RCIA and you know what? I did. I still have stuff swarming around in my head and some sneezing, but was not completely miserable.

RCIA was good tonight. I was happy to see that there are about eight others that are going to go through the process. (Or at least start it) I didn't get any information that I didn't already know, but I still feel good about my choice. I am really looking forward to getting into it more. My concern right now is finding a sponsor. I have to find someone willing to go to classes with me and basically be my guide during the process. Problem is that I don't know many people within the church still. I've made a few acquaintances, but nobody I'd feel comfortable asking really.

I talked with Marty on yahoo tonight. It was good to chat with him. I wanted to let him know it was o.k. to call if he ever wanted to and he needn't worry about me getting my hopes up and such. And it's true. I've really missed him simply as a friend. I miss him in the romantic sense too, but I'm to the point where even that part is not in the forefront of my thoughts. Even if he were to call me up and say let's start where we left off, I couldn't do it. I'm not saying I would never go back to him, but I couldn't just jump into something again. It would be very scary and difficult for me. But I do hope we remain friends. He will always be special to me. And sometimes it will hurt and I'll remember those few moments we had. But I know that sometimes the pain is good and it happens for a reason.

You know that old cliche "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?" I find that so true now. There are times I wished things had turned out differently and that I didn't have to heal yet another broken heart. But I don't regret a moment that I had with Marty. It wasn't all pleasant and wonderful, but just having him in my life made a huge difference in mine. One that I can never fully explain or perhaps understand, but I know he has and may continue to serve a very special purpose. And I hope that the broken hearts I've dealt with over the years leads me to something very special when I find the right person. (Or when he finds me since I'm trying to stop looking.) But being able to love and be loved is truly precious. So thank you, Marty. For showing me that I can love. For loving me for just a moment. For simply being a part of my life. I can probably never thank you enough, but I hope you have some hint of what you have done for me.

Spoke too soon

Well, last night I said that I didn't feel too bad. Not so today. It started hitting me really hard just before going to bed (at 9:30 no less). I took a Zyrtec and eventually got some sleep... I think. I woke up this morning and felt o.k. I didn't feel bad enough to call in sick today and I really didn't want to miss a day of school. But now that I'm here, I'm miserable. My head feels like it's going to explode. My nose is constantly running, I'm sneezing, my eyes are completely bloodshot. I'm going to forge on, however. My students really need the notes I'm giving them and I'm just going to try to make it through the best that I can.
And tonight is the first meeting for RCIA. I really want to go home and just go to bed, but I definitely do not want to miss the first meeting. So I guess I will hang on until then. But as soon as it's over, I'm going to be taking any drugs I can find and go to bed. Luckily I get to sleep in tomorrow as the training I have to go to doesn't start until 9:00.
So this will be my post for today... probably won't see me again until sometime tomorrow.

Still alive and kicking

Yes, I'm still a bit on the sick side as I can still feel something going on in my chest and my voice is hoarse. (No thanks to me lecturing to my classes all day) I also have a runny nose of sorts, but I don't really feel bad, so that's good I guess. I think having a bloody mary last night really helped.

What's new you ask? Not a whole lot. Went on the date on Saturday. I'm not sure what to say about it though. I'll probably post more in my other blog. He is a very nice guy, but a bit on the young side for me. It's just a few years, but I can really tell a difference. I think he's the kind of guy I could be really good friends with, but perhaps not dating material. Dinner and the movie was good and I was able to hear some of his music. He's very talented and is passionate about his music. He has a website if you want to check out some of his sounds.

Teaching is still going well. I'm kind of getting into a groove with it now. The hardest part for me is really getting prepared in advance so I can get copies of my materials made. I'd much rather have the opportunity to do my own copying I guess. Though it is nice to not have to stand around during my conference to wait for a machine and do it all. Although I'm still frustrated with some things at the school, I can't really complain about my classes and teaching in general. For thinking that I would absolutely hate it, I am pleasantly surprised. Sure, there's kids in some classes that are annoying, but even the worst are not that bad. I wish I had my computer situation resolved, but I probably shouldn't hold my breath on that matter.

My financial situation still sucks majorly, but there's nothing I can do about it really. All I can do is wait until pay day and pray for a child support check. Hmmm... maybe it's time to get my rosary out again.

Speaking of which... I start RCIA tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to it. I should write down some of the questions that have been swirling in my head from time to time, but I haven't thought about some of them for a while. I am really looking forward to learning more about the Catholic Church.

Tonight I have to get my substitute instructions ready for Thursday. More exciting training to go to! (Happy, happy, joy, joy... NOT) Tomorrow I won't get a conference since I have to meet with the principal. Luckily I got caught up on grades today and won't have to do any of that. Maybe I'll even get to watch some t.v. tonight!

That is all that's going on in my world at the moment. And thanks to Cheshire and Grumpy for thinking of me while I wasn't feeling good.

Will update soon

I'm sorry for the lack of updates this weekend. I do need to write some stuff, but I've been sick and just haven't felt like it. Started to get a cold or something yesterday and it's trying to progress, but I'm not sure if it's going to get worse or go away. I'm hoping for the latter. But I will update soon.
I got home and am eating a quick bite, then have to take Josh to band rehersal, then come home for an hour, then go up to the school for a band booster meeting, then come home for another hour or so, then pick Josh up after the rehersal for the musical. Between all of that I need to grade papers and get stuff ready for teaching tomorrow.
So I will post more at some point... just not sure when right now.

I want too much

I need to learn to appreciate what I have perhaps. I need to stop whining and complaining about what I don't have. But sometimes it's hard, you know?

I have no hot water. I need to take a shower. I actually have a date tonight. But no hot water. Guess I'll just use extra deoderant. I don't know why I don't have hot water other than the fact that the water heater seems to be not doing anything. This happened a few weeks ago, but the problem was that a breaker switch had tripped and I just needed to flip it back on. That is not the case today. I called my dad and he said that the element could be out again. If that is the case, then I'm probably screwed because it was difficult enough replacing it last time. So as I usually assume the worst, it probably means I need a new hot water heater. I can't afford a new hot water heater. And dad can't get out here until MAYBE tomorrow. So then I called my back-up source, my ex-boyfriend that usually bails me out of trouble most of the time. And he's got things going on today. My nephew doesn't answer his phone. I have no other sources for help. Have I mentioned before how it generally sucks being a single woman and parent? Well, it does.

What do I want? I want to be in a situation where I'm not struggling so much financially. I want to have a man around that I can depend on for crap like the water heater going out. I want emotional support when things seem dim. I want my dogs to stop pooping in the garage. I want a yard that is managable. I want a house where things don't keep breaking down. I want my heart and head to work together some day and make the right decisions. I want to fall in love and live happily ever after. Yeah, I want the fairy tale.

I know the fairy tale is just that. A tale. A story. Imaginary. Not real. Sometimes I want to say "But other people have it." They have everything they want. But do they? Isn't there always a catch? They may appear to have it all, but maybe they're hiding some dark secret or want something that they cannot voice. Can we ever be satisfied with the way things are?

Am I really that difficult to please? Yes, I know that I tend to have high expectations from time to time. Not about everything, but I guess about enough things. Problem is when one lowers their expectations... they get just that. Something not good enough. Something less satisfying. How do we learn to live with ourselves sometimes? I guess for me it's just a matter of survival. Being married, we tended to live beyond our means. And now that I'm divorced, I'm still paying for those means and I'm trying to dig myself out. But it seems everytime I start making headway, another pile of dirt is thrown on top of it all. Got the loan to pay off my cards, but I'm still behind because of my delayed paycheck and no child support. Now it's a water heater. What will it be next?

Girls in or around Amarillo that have naked pictures

Yes, I know that title is an attention-getter. But those are the words that someone searched and then came up with my blog. I'm not sure what is going on with sitemeter as I didn't pay to be able to see the search words or perhaps that is now a free feature on it. When I checked some of my hits, it is showing me the words used to search for web pages. I guess because I've used all of those words in my blog it came up as a hit. Here's what shows on the search page:

Story of My Life. Monday, August 22, 2005. Hip, Hip, Hooray!! I can't believe they said yes. They didn't laugh in my face. O.k. it was just one guy, but I'm still amazed. The suspense is killing you, huh? ... I had taken before pictures so I can show ... He's coming to Amarillo to take his girls shopping and invited ... to just run around the house naked.

Now I wonder how some other people have found my blog. I discovered some come from Patrick, Prison Pete or other blogs that have a link to mine on their page. Some come from reading my yahoo profile. Some are just random from blogger. I'm curious about those that have me bookmarked and read regularly, yet have never commented. Well, if you do read, I am honored.

I gave in

I went ahead and decided to get Josh a cell phone and do the family plan despite it being more expensive. I have justified it, however. I decided to cancel long distance on my home phone and will only use it on my cell phone. That saves me $20 a month and I was already planning on spending an extra $10 for Josh's phone so it evens out. I also upgraded my phone so we have the same phone right now. At some point we'll have to get different covers or something so that they will be distinct.
Most of my students actually go their letters finished today. After the situation when they didn't do the work for the sub and then after another day of working on their letters, I finally told those that hadn't finished their rough draft that they had to have it done by the end of class on Thursday, otherwise, they would receive a detention and finish it in my room at 7:45 a.m. on Friday. Miraculously they seemed to get it done. Not everybody finished it completely today and I'm still disappointed that they are not following instructions, but am happy that most at least will be mailed.
I had to get creative in order to find some of the addresses of the people they were writing to. At this point only about 2 or 3 of them don't have addresses and that is because they didn't tell me that they couldn't find them. I'm not sure about them writing to some of the rappers that they wanted to, but since it was the only person they were interested in, I figured I might as well let them in order to get them to do the task.
I also found out at the END of school today that I have to go to more training next week and take another day off. I really hate going to useless training and planning around a substitute. I don't mind when I go to convention because a. it's fun and b. I actually learn useful information and get stuff I can use in my classes.
Well, I'm off to bed. I'm thoroughly exhausted now.

Lazy Students

I didn't have much to say today so I've decided to bitch about students that think they can blow off my class. Yesterday when I was gone, their assignment was to write the rough draft of their request letter. (They're writing letters to a person of their choice requesting information.) Even though the substitute said my classes were good, I discovered than many of them either did not do the work at all or some only wrote a single sentence. They had the entire class period to write the rough draft. They had two example letters to follow and detailed instructions. My class is not a hard class. I don't assign homework unless a student doesn't finish within the time I give them in class. I almost always give them entire class periods to work on assignments in order to not give them homework. They get a grade at the end of the week that is basically a "freebie" for behaving and doing their work. This week I started cracking down on those not working. I gave them the opportunity to correct their test they took in order to improve their grade. I know there will be students that won't correct it, even though it is worth 60% of their grade. I'm just amazed at how lazy these kids are. They are aware that they have to have this class in order to graduate. I really have no sympathy for those students that are failing. There is really no excuse to fail my class. If they just try, they will pass. But it is not a blow off class. There is work to be done and I do grade the work. It's not difficult or even time consuming. Kids are just lazy. Now, I'm not saying this is true for all my students. I do have some great kids that are doing very well... and that is what is making it worthwhile.

Day off

I basically have the day off today. I went to a meeting in Canyon at 10:00 that lasted for two hours. And now I'm home sitting in my underwear. I'm thinking about doing laundry, but haven't quite gotten started on it yet.
I've noticed that I've also been hit with the annoying commercial comments on my blog so I, too, had to turn on word verification in order to comment. I know it's a pain, but I really don't need commericals for Laser Hair removal.
I have a potential date for this weekend. I always say potential because until it actually happens I'm always skeptical. Generally I've found that in many cases something "comes up" and it's rescheduled. Even my first date with my husband was rescheduled. He's lucky I gave him a second chance.
I had one guy that did that twice and stood me up the second time without even calling, so he never got a third chance.
So, I am going out with a guy that IM'd me online. I'm still not certain about the online dating stuff.. still very dubious whether it's right or worth it. But at the same time, how else am I going to meet people? I took my name off all the personals sites I had joined and decided to not look so hard. So we'll see. I'll keep you informed. He seems nice so far and he hasn't offended me online yet. Although I was concerned that when he first sent me a message, his profile was listed as an adult profile. But when I checked it out, it wasn't anything profane so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He said that he didn't know how it was listed that way and changed it.
Well, I guess I'll get some laundry started and do a little house cleaning now that I have some extra time. Or I might go take a nap.

I still hate cell phone companies

O.k. I said I wasn't going to bitch, but I am. So I do expect a few slaps. Be gentle, o.k.?

I went to cingular today to investigate getting a new cell phone as I am eligible for an upgrade and look into adding Josh to my plan. From what I understood (incorrectly, of course) you could add someone to your plan for $9.99 a month. I thought that might be a good deal as Josh and I could easily share minutes since I hardly use any. Well, no, that's not exactly true. You first have to upgrade to the family share plan. Then it's an additional $9.99 for phones over two. But the cheapest plan they have starts at $69.99. Right now I'm paying $39.99 for the lowest plan when I don't even use all the minutes on it. So to add Josh it would cost me $30 more a month. This is just for the convenience of when he needs to call for a ride after band trips and rehersals and all of that. It was for my peace of mind really. I'm wondering if I need that kind of peace at that price.

You know, it wouldn't be such a big deal if I had the money. I'd pay it. Problem is that I'm trying to figure out how to pay the bills I have. I really wish I was getting child support regularly. I submitted a request online regarding child support to see if anything could be done now that he's almost 4 months behind. But it will probably take a year to look into it. That's what happened when I requested my case to be reviewed about two years ago.

So now my options are to consider going with a pay as you go phone, which could easily end up costing $30 a month anyways. Or I can give him my phone to take when he needs it... but that puts me stuck at home to get the call... not that I have anywhere to go.

What did we do in the days before cell phones? I guess parents just waited at the school based on the estimate of when students are supposed to get back from trips. But I know how band and speech trips are and there's never a guarantee to be even remotely close to on time. What to do? What to do?

Bitchin' and Moanin'

I wanted to complain tonight. I had thoughts of whining about how broke I am and how it sucks to be a single woman when you could use a man's help and all that. But then I find myself reading about all that is happening in New Orleans and I just can't complain. Because honestly, despite the fact that I have no idea how I'm going to pay bills in Sept. and that I still don't have a sewer line and my yard looks like a jungle, I have it really good compared to those devastated by the hurricane. I have no room to talk really.
Even Amarillo is preparing to take in 500-1000 refugees from the storm. I can't fathom losing absolutely everything you have and having to start fresh.
So I guess I should write about how I do have it pretty good.

My dad bought me a new lawn mower tonight. I took my other two to him and he couldn't get them fixed right away so he went to walmart and got me a basic mower. So now our yard is getting cut as I type this.
I have food in my fridge so we're not starving.
I have some friends that are wonderful and family as well.
I have a good job WITH health insurance now that should have gone into effect on the first.
I have my health and Josh does too.
I have a wonderful, handsome, talented and smart child.
I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear and some niceties like cable t.v.
Although I'm not perfect, I'm still working on my faith and finding God.

So if I start complaining soon, just smack me around a bit. Mmm-k?

My Talented Son and other stuff

My son is so talented. O.k. maybe you've heard me say that before. No, I'm not in the least bit biased. But he really is talented and smart. He's in the band and he's learned a new instrument that he is playing very well. The "pit" has a solo part in their first number (from the opera "Carmen") and he nails it. It's fast and incredibly together.
AND he tried out for the school musical and got a small part. Not bad for a freshman.

Have I mentioned before how much I miss band? O.k. maybe I have said that before too. But I do. It was so much fun in high school. Sure, I'm kind of erasing those emotional moments of broken hearts and what-not, but I truly had a blast being in band. Every time I go, it brings back a memory. I hope Josh finds it as enjoyable as I did. O.k. maybe not quite as enjoyable. Because I do remember those looonnnggg band trips my senior year. And what I did with Marty under the blanket. Bad Jennifer.

It was an emotional night tonight. The head drum major lost his father this weekend. I don't know details on how it happened, but the band made a special presentation by everyone walking by his podium and placing a red rose on it. Then they presented two white roses to the sons who in turn gave them to their mother. I didn't know any of them, but it was emotional and I started crying.

My principal and assistant principal visited my class today while we were in the lab. And it didn't bother me. When I was teaching at the junior high I was so intimidated by my principal, any time he came by I figured I was in trouble for something. So far it seems the principal is being very supportive. I asked him about a filing cabinet today and he said no problem. He'd make sure I'd get one with a key. And he said he'd mail the letters my students are writing.

Well, it's a three day weekend.... actually four for me because I'm going to a meeting on Tuesday. I'm very happy that the only day I have to get up early is on Sunday.

Day in, day out

Getting into a schedule I guess. Get up and go to work. Teach all day. Grade papers. Come home. Make supper. Plan for the next day.
It's not a bad thing really. Having a routine is good for me I think. Making my own schedule was nice, but it seems easier to know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing.
My classes were good with the sub although I was a little worried about it. I have to be gone on Tuesday as well. That makes next week only a 3 day week for me. No school on Monday! Woo Hoo!
Well, got to get grades entered for 3-week reports.