Saturday, September 10, 2005

I want too much

I need to learn to appreciate what I have perhaps. I need to stop whining and complaining about what I don't have. But sometimes it's hard, you know?

I have no hot water. I need to take a shower. I actually have a date tonight. But no hot water. Guess I'll just use extra deoderant. I don't know why I don't have hot water other than the fact that the water heater seems to be not doing anything. This happened a few weeks ago, but the problem was that a breaker switch had tripped and I just needed to flip it back on. That is not the case today. I called my dad and he said that the element could be out again. If that is the case, then I'm probably screwed because it was difficult enough replacing it last time. So as I usually assume the worst, it probably means I need a new hot water heater. I can't afford a new hot water heater. And dad can't get out here until MAYBE tomorrow. So then I called my back-up source, my ex-boyfriend that usually bails me out of trouble most of the time. And he's got things going on today. My nephew doesn't answer his phone. I have no other sources for help. Have I mentioned before how it generally sucks being a single woman and parent? Well, it does.

What do I want? I want to be in a situation where I'm not struggling so much financially. I want to have a man around that I can depend on for crap like the water heater going out. I want emotional support when things seem dim. I want my dogs to stop pooping in the garage. I want a yard that is managable. I want a house where things don't keep breaking down. I want my heart and head to work together some day and make the right decisions. I want to fall in love and live happily ever after. Yeah, I want the fairy tale.

I know the fairy tale is just that. A tale. A story. Imaginary. Not real. Sometimes I want to say "But other people have it." They have everything they want. But do they? Isn't there always a catch? They may appear to have it all, but maybe they're hiding some dark secret or want something that they cannot voice. Can we ever be satisfied with the way things are?

Am I really that difficult to please? Yes, I know that I tend to have high expectations from time to time. Not about everything, but I guess about enough things. Problem is when one lowers their expectations... they get just that. Something not good enough. Something less satisfying. How do we learn to live with ourselves sometimes? I guess for me it's just a matter of survival. Being married, we tended to live beyond our means. And now that I'm divorced, I'm still paying for those means and I'm trying to dig myself out. But it seems everytime I start making headway, another pile of dirt is thrown on top of it all. Got the loan to pay off my cards, but I'm still behind because of my delayed paycheck and no child support. Now it's a water heater. What will it be next?


Summer said...

Let me tell you about HC. He has a good life, a nice home, a good job, great kids, a wife that is good to him and it looks like the fairy tale, but he will tell you he's not happy. He doesn't know why. He keeps asking me, "Why am I not happy?" So, it looks that way to all who look in at his life and even I profess to be jealous of what he has, but he's basically just going through the motions. He asks me, "Do I want too much?" I don't know if he does or not, maybe it's just that we want our lives more perfected and I don't think there's anything wrong with working towards that.

The Cheshire Cat said...

I can identify with a lot of the feelings that you have posted in this entry. Thanks for posting reminds me of conversations my best friend and I have ALL the time. :)