Friday, September 23, 2005


It's Friday and I'm glad. I was surprised to find myself awake at 5:30 this morning and not really tired. I tried to stay in bed, but decided to get up at 5:45. That gave me an extra 30 minutes this morning which was really nice. I am really awed by the fact that it seems lately I don't have such big issues with sleep deprivation as I once had. I used to so NOT be a morning person. Getting up at 6:00 usually was something that was very difficult. I always felt completely exhausted despite going to bed by 9:00 or 10:00. But now that I think about it, I'm thinking why is it different now? Does it have something to do with my age? Is it just that something internal is working differently now? I'm thinking that perhaps for the first time in a VERY long time, I'm actually get almost a full night's sleep. I think for a very long time I did not sleep very peacefully. I always had too many things to worry about. When I was married, I would stay awake wondering when and if my husband would be coming to bed. I would worry about finances, my job, my husband, my son, and so many other things. It's not that I don't worry about those things... well, not the husband any more, but I'm really trying to place my worries in God's hands. I'm really, really trying to let go of the control I always want to have. Because I just can't do it any more. But ever since I started going to church, sleep has not been such a problem. I can't say that I've changed drastically, but I do think I have changed quite a bit. And even though I still don't know how I'm going to pay all my bills this month, I'm not going to worry about it. If they get paid, great, and if not, I guess I jump that creek when I get to it. I realize that if the money isn't there, it's just not there. So it's time to move on.

Even though I've been struggling with a lot of issues like my finances, my love life, the death of Josh's dad, a new job, my car, my house... the list goes on... I find myself in a position where life is still o.k. Normally I would feel completely overwhelmed. But I am realizing that there's only so much I can do, and I've decided to let God handle the rest. And that brings me a great deal of peace and I'm finding joy in life again. I am happy with my job, with my son and most things in my life. And the rest will fall into place when the time is right. I'm not saying I'm not going to bitch in this blog any more... by no means have I reached perfection... but I'm just saying that despite everything, life isn't too bad right now. Not saying it's great, but I have faith that things will work out the way they're supposed to. They always seem to despite myself.

Josh. I have a talented son. O.k. I've said that a time or two before and perhaps I may be a little bit biased. But, the stadium at the high school game tonight got a glipse of how talented he is as well. Josh is playing in the pit for marching season (xylophone) although his main instrument is the clarinet. So this is a new instrument for him. The band is playing a fairly difficult show as they are playing excerpts from the opera "Carmen". In the 3rd movement of this piece, the pit is supposed to be featured with a very wicked keyboard part. (xylophone, marimba, bells, etc.) Unfortunately, they hadn't quite gotten their act together on getting it down. Except for Josh. So tonight at the game when the announcer was introducing the 3rd movement, he said that the piece featured the percussion especially Josh *****. I know that made him quite nervous, but when it got to the big part, he nailed it. And he got a huge applause. And I was glowing. I was so very proud.

No comments: