Monday, September 19, 2005


You know.. being an adult sucks sometimes. I know I've said that before. But in the past two years, I have attended 4 funeral/memorial services. Before that time, I had attended two. I know it will get more frequent as we get older and I know that death is just a part of life, but it is really sad when someone as young as myself is no longer with us.

Josh did wonderful. I received many, many compliments about him. People telling me what a handsome young man he is and how polite he is. Heather and his sisters were so very glad to see him. I don't think he cried, because... you know it's a boy thing to not cry. I'm not sure how he felt about all of this, but I'm sure it will stick in his mind.

The nice thing was that Jacob's family had a lot of nice things to say and stories to tell. I was a blubbering idiot. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. Jacob made some terrible mistakes, but the one very wonderful and precious thing he did was give me my son. And I kept thinking about that today. And I was saddened that he left before getting the chance to perhaps make amends with Josh.

One thing that was mentioned many times in the service was Jacob's love of music. And that made me cry. Josh is following in his dad's footsteps in that respect. Josh has a passion for music, much like his dad did. That is how Jacob and I met after all. We were both in the WT band and both kind of on the rebound from relationships. We didn't really even "date", but I guess you could say we had some good times together.

Want to hear something funny? Watching "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" always reminds me of him. Jacob would come over to my apartment and several times we would start watching that movie... but never really finished it, if you know what I mean. It was always a little joke between us for years afterwards.

But today was very sad. A lady even came up to me because I had been crying so much. She was a grief counselor that wanted to help. But that's just how I am. I have to get it out today and then move on. It won't stay. But I kept thinking about how much Jacob is going miss in seeing Josh and his girls grow up. Not that he had much of a relationship with Josh, but I thought that perhaps time could heal the wounds. I had to come to forgiveness for Jacob. One thing about my journey back to church, it has made me realize that I have to forgive those that have hurt me and my family. It's hard sometimes, but we have to. I hope Josh is able to forgive some day as well.

Josh met a lot of family that hadn't seen him since he was a baby. They all remarked on how handsome he was and how sad that they hadn't seen him. I assured them that they were welcome to stay in touch with us at any time. It's not that I ever kept him from visiting his family, but neither of us made any effort I guess. So we'll see if they do stay in touch.

I got disturbing news after we came home today. It turns out that Josh's English teacher had told his class what had happened. They're not certain, but some students thought she even mentioned that it was suicide. I find that very inappropriate. It's bad enough that everyone has to know your father just passed away and people will make a big enough deal out of that, but to add the stigma of suicide is just plain mean. I can't be certain of what she actually said, but I will be writing a letter to the teacher and to the principal. It may be an honest mistake, but for someone like Josh that doesn't like that kind of attention, it will make things difficult.

Tonight is back to school night and I think I'm going to have to skip Josh's English class. I don't want to have to say something I will regret.


Andrew said...

I really don’t know what to say, but I do want to tell you that I am so sorry for what you and Josh are having to go through. Life is so preciously short. I have never had kids so I don’t understand the complexities of the matter. I just hope you two weather this storm okay and wanted you to know I am thinking about you both. I know my clumsy words will not bring much solace, but please know that other people do care.

Patrick Goodman said...

I wish I knew what to say, to either you or Josh. Just know that I'm thinking about you both, and let him know that if he wants to talk to someone else who lost his father recently (though under vastly different circumstances), he can call or come by any time (if he's at all comfortable speaking with me, at any rate).

ukok said...

Pasing through from Penni's blog and this post caught my eye. My daughters father died when she was 8 months old. It's difficult raising a child when they don't have a Dad around...even if it isn't the kind of Dad that is 'there' for them in the true sense of the word, I will pray for you and for your son.

God Bless.