Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I Lied

O.k. so I said you wouldn't hear from me for a while. I'm actually feeling a little better. It's very strange. I said a prayer to feel better for RCIA and you know what? I did. I still have stuff swarming around in my head and some sneezing, but was not completely miserable.

RCIA was good tonight. I was happy to see that there are about eight others that are going to go through the process. (Or at least start it) I didn't get any information that I didn't already know, but I still feel good about my choice. I am really looking forward to getting into it more. My concern right now is finding a sponsor. I have to find someone willing to go to classes with me and basically be my guide during the process. Problem is that I don't know many people within the church still. I've made a few acquaintances, but nobody I'd feel comfortable asking really.

I talked with Marty on yahoo tonight. It was good to chat with him. I wanted to let him know it was o.k. to call if he ever wanted to and he needn't worry about me getting my hopes up and such. And it's true. I've really missed him simply as a friend. I miss him in the romantic sense too, but I'm to the point where even that part is not in the forefront of my thoughts. Even if he were to call me up and say let's start where we left off, I couldn't do it. I'm not saying I would never go back to him, but I couldn't just jump into something again. It would be very scary and difficult for me. But I do hope we remain friends. He will always be special to me. And sometimes it will hurt and I'll remember those few moments we had. But I know that sometimes the pain is good and it happens for a reason.

You know that old cliche "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?" I find that so true now. There are times I wished things had turned out differently and that I didn't have to heal yet another broken heart. But I don't regret a moment that I had with Marty. It wasn't all pleasant and wonderful, but just having him in my life made a huge difference in mine. One that I can never fully explain or perhaps understand, but I know he has and may continue to serve a very special purpose. And I hope that the broken hearts I've dealt with over the years leads me to something very special when I find the right person. (Or when he finds me since I'm trying to stop looking.) But being able to love and be loved is truly precious. So thank you, Marty. For showing me that I can love. For loving me for just a moment. For simply being a part of my life. I can probably never thank you enough, but I hope you have some hint of what you have done for me.

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