Saturday, September 09, 2006

Still in the funks

First I'm going to get on my soap box and reply the comments in my previous post.

EVERYTHING ISN'T ALWAYS ABOUT SEX. Now that I've said that, I feel a little better. My lack of dates has not been because I'm turning down guys that find me sexually attractive. The weirdos I've been referring to are those guys that claim to be from the US and it's clear that English isn't their first language and they keep lying to me and seem to think they have developed feelings for me based on a single, brief, IM conversation. I haven't had much in the way of the perverts contacting me. And no, I'm not going to ignore someone just because they may make a comment on my attractiveness. But if they ask if I want to watch them jack off (pardon the term, but it gets the point across), then I politely tell them I'm not interested.

I am flattered to a degree if someone thinks I'm attractive, but if they only comment about my pics and do not ask me any other questions in getting to know me, then I do tend to write them off and it is considerably after more than three words. Then are those others that really make me feel good about myself that asks me about pics in the first couple of lines of conversation and then once they've seen them, they make a not so nice comment (I think the last one was "You're one of the fatties.") and abruptly leave.

AND FOR THE RECORD... I do not have any problems with my sexuality. I have a normal sex drive whearas Satan himself has more of an overactive sex drive. (If you haven't figure it out by now, Satan is my ex.) I'm not going to say it's bad that his is far more active than mine or the fact that our morals are quite different is a bad thing. That is his choice and mine is simply mine. I am no longer going to apologize for being who I am and I will not make attempts to be somebody I'm not in order to please someone else. I know that sex isn't evil and it is a beautiful thing. I see it through much different eyes now, but it's not something I find scary or dirty or bad. I am not running away from my sexuality. I am simply choosing to not make that a priority in my next relationship. If that's the first thing to be considered, then frankly I'm not interested because I want someone to be interested in me for me regardless of my level of attractiveness or whether or not I turn them on.

And thanks Susan for calling me a hottie. I appreciate it. I have never ended conversations with someone simply because they found me attractive... it was only after it became an obsession or it got perverted. And Summer, I do trust my judgment very much, and I honeslyt try to not judge too early. But some conversations speak for themselves. I'll post a few again and will let my readers determine if I'm being too judgmental.

Now for my funks. I'm not sure what it is. In my journaling workshop I wrote about things I've lost in my life and then focused on a particular thing which was my friendship with my former best friend. That got me thinking about things and I started to wonder if something is really wrong with me. I've lost and found my self-esteem on occasion, but for the most part, I think I'm a pretty decent person. I have my flaws and I can be a little shy, but I think that I am really quite nice. But I can't figure out why I just don't have many friends and haven't gone on a date in over a year. Am I oblivious to something? I actually think I'm a better person now that I've focused more on my faith but I also find that I am feeling much more alone. I don't think it should be that way.

It doesn't help that I'm having money issues right now. The bills are paid, but there's $42 in the bank to buy groceries for a week and a half. Josh constantly needs money for school and it's taking it's toll. Luckily my dad gave me $40 today so that certainly helps. I just hate living month by month with absolutely no savings. Somehow I've always managed, but I hate just barely making it. I know that money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure helps to have it.

I've always been a strong person because of my independence and simply dealing with surviving sometimes. But you know what? It would be nice every once in a while to just be able to depend on someone else or perhaps just have someone to talk to, you know? It's a good thing I have this blog to vent to every once in a while.

I have so much to do and really don't feel like doing anything right now. I am not motivated at all. Josh is going out tonight and I just want to sit in my recliner and do nothing... which I may very well do. I need to get things done by tomorrow evening, so there's nothing like putting things off until the last minute.

Sorry for the pity party. I should be back to my old self in a few days.


Rebecca said...

"I am no longer going to apologize for being who I am and I will not make attempts to be somebody I'm not in order to please someone else."

THAT deserves an standing ovation.
Stick by your convictions! I hope you feel better soon.

Summer said...

Rebecca is right. I loved reading that. All women should live by that.

As far as not having many friends, or a close one, it could be about jealousy. You are very self assured, convicted, intelligent and attractive. It may be that you intimidate other women. I don't know many women, or men for that matter, with your qualities.

You have accomplished a lot since I started reading you. I am amazed with your forward motion. You have inspired me to be more like you.

The time is right for someone to enter your life. I think he'll be here soon.


I feel I should apologise. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you feel defensive. I know that you do have some truly WEIRD people chat you up... I've seen the transcripts, and you're right, they can barely speak english.

I was just offering my two cents in unrequested advice... that I was afraid you might be putting out a negative vibe to some guys who might be a really good guy.

Even SATAN himself applauds your moral convictions and your stance against a relationship that involves sex.

All I'm saying here... (and trying to choose my words carefully) is that you are a very beautiful woman. (yes, I'd still call you a hottie) and there are going to be men who will be attracted to you. Try not to give a negative vibe. Be flirtacious. (I've seen you... you're good at it!)

Annabel said...

Thanks for the apology, though it wasn't necessary. I really don't think I'm putting a negative vibe out there... it's hard to put anything out there when there's nothing in your path. I can be flirtatious and would love the opportunity to try my skills again. (It's like riding a bike, isn't it?) If there are men that are going to be attracted to me (aside from the Nigerians) then I wish they'd come forward.