Tuesday, May 31, 2005

It's Tornado Season

Well, sitting here watching the news as thunderstorms are coming into the area. I tried to take a nap this afternoon and woke up to a weather alert with two tornado warnings. Nothing that was really going to hit us and none that were visibly noted (radar indicated rotation). But it's that time of year again. Last year was a pretty mild season. (Wait... let me knock on some wood) Actually there was one intense night here, but fortunately I was in Ohio at the time so I didn't get the chance to freak out too much.
I wish I had a house with a basement. Yes, I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to the weather. It's kind of weird because I'm fascinated by tornadoes. I watch shows about them. I also have dreams about them. The dreams are kind of strange and when I have them something is usually amiss in my life. I don't know that I give a lot of stock to dream predictions, but this one is always right.
Call me weird.... (o.k. if you've been reading my blog you probably already think I am weird) but when we have severe weather with potential tornadoes in the area I tend to clean the house. I guess I figure if a tornado is going to come and wipe everything away, it will at least be clean when it does. I know. It doesn't make sense to me either. I guess I just feel better doing something rather than sitting around watching the weather on the t.v. and hearing it pound outside.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Guess I Was Born When I Was Supposed to Be

You Were Actually Born Under:
Resourceful and practical, you are a quick thinker.
You are very observant - and it's hard to get anything past you!
A total perfectionist, you are especially picky about looking your best.
You're a big dreamer - such a big dreamer that reality can disappoint you.

You are most compatible with an Ox or Snake.
You Should Have Been Born Under:

Resourceful and practical, you are a quick thinker.
You are very observant - and it's hard to get anything past you!
A total perfectionist, you are especially picky about looking your best.
You're a big dreamer - such a big dreamer that reality can disappoint you.

You are most compatible with an Ox or Snake.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Nostalgia Posted by Hello

My Friend Bret

It started in the summer of 1983. I was at band camp and my friend Kirsten introduced me to this trumpet player Bret and his friend Shelby. It was love at first sight. O.k. it was for me. I remember going back to the dorm room that night and keeping Kirsten up talking about this cute guy Bret. I wanted him to ask me to the camp ball, but it didn't happen. But we were going to be in the same band at school the next year so I had hope.
I used to stare at him from across the band hall. I'd twist my earrings and think I was being subtle, but I learned later that he definitely knew and his friend Billy would make comments like "She's staring at you again." I ended up going out with another guy that year, Mike, but I broke up with him because I still had a crush on Bret. This upset Mike and I guess he was kind of jealous because he started a new thing that he called "Nail Capranica" where he'd chase Bret around the band hall and then try to hit him, you know, where it hurts. By the end of the year, I didn't care who knew about my crush. I made it plain as day and continued it through my 9th grade year and on into high school.
Though we never "officially dated" at all, we had a lot of fun together and eventually became very good friends. I used to write him notes that were 9 or 10 pages long. I even got him to write me back. And I still have his notes to this day. I think he may still have mine. It's a kind of dirt we have on each other. I have the "green notebook" and he has the "birthday box". I still have the drawings I did of his name written with hearts. The writings of woe and despair because he didn't love me back. The many poems that told of my unrequited love. Call me a sentimental pack rat.
By the time I became a senior I finally realized that we were never going to date. I ended up going out with Marty and another guy named William that year. (The one who dumped me the day after prom.) I wished Bret and I would have gone to prom together. He ended up taking an underclassmen he barely knew and I went with a jerk. Oh well.
In college we were music majors together and still having fun in band. He got serious about his religious calling and ended up pastoring a small Baptist church. I attended his church for a while until I fell away from all things religious. But we always remained friends. I shared a lot of things with him that I wouldn't or couldn't share with others. He was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant. I know that he's continued to pray for me for many, many years.
After he graduated from college he left for seminary in California and we stayed in touch from time to time, but it's difficult to maintain a close friendship like that. He was busy with his studies and I was busy with mine and being a single parent. When Richard and I decided to get married, I asked Bret to perform the ceremony, which he did.
Although we don't get to communicate much any more and he's not just around the corner to hang out with, I still cherish the friendship we have. We have some wonderful memories that I relish. The time we kidnapped him for his birthday, the time he sprayed my hair green for mine. The many band trips that resulted in stimulating and entertaining conversations. (no, no, un-huh, quit) I started out thinking I was in love with him (puppy love it was), but have grown into loving him as a friend.
We may have had to kindly agree to disagree on religious matters but I still appreciate him as a friend. It's sad how life gets in the way sometimes and people fall out of touch as they go on with their lives. I'm still in touch with several people from high school, but it's just not the same. I guess it's a part of growing up.
I attended my cousin's graduation last night. It brought back a lot of memories. It's amazing how little we knew about life back then. How we so wanted to graduate and grow up. Now that I'm here, I'd love to have the simplicity of life back then. No bills. Great friends. Lots of fun. Those were the days weren't they?

Thursday, May 26, 2005


Some exciting news! I got a letter from the diocese today stating that my marriage to Richard has been decreed invalid due to his prior bond. So that means I am free to marry in the Catholic Church should I ever find the right man... or at least a pretty darn good one.

In other news, my friend Bret has a blog. Please do go check it out if you get the chance. I think it may spark some interesting discussions (as it has already to some degree). But despite the fact that we may disagree on religious matters and what-not, Bret is still one of my very good friends. He knows me probably better than a lot of my friends and I know him pretty well. We've been friends since the mid-eighties (gosh, now I feel old). I think I'll write a blog about him at some point. (Don't worry.. it will be nice.)

Today was the last day of school for Josh. I know he's relieved. I still have no idea if we're going to do anything interesting this summer.

I've been working in my office clearing out a TON of yearbook stuff. Maybe I've been watching too much clean sweep, but I'm making a keep pile, toss pile and a pile of stuff to give to advisers.

I received my contract from Hereford to sign and it noted they needed me to come in and sign several other things as well. I don't know my salary yet as I think they're waiting on the state to set the minimum guidelines for the 05-06 year.

My friend Kirsten is in town and we're going to see Star Wars tonight. It will be Josh's 2nd time to see it. (among probably several more to come)

Well, I guess I better get back to this mess in the office... unless someone wants to chat with me or something... or unless I find something else I can do instead of this.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Happy Anniversary!!

One year ago today I started this blog. I have my friend Patrick to thank for it. So thanks Patrick!
Because of this blog I have found many wonderful new friends and I am so thankful for any and all of you that stop by to read. I hope I keep things interesting enough to warrant coming by every so often.
I have also found some very blogs that I am reading on a daily basis. There are some great writers out there that make me laugh, make me think, and move me.
I'm going to keep this going and I hope you will all continue to stop by.
I know I don't always have something witty, interesting or profound to say, but this blog is great place for me to just share a little about my day or my thoughts rambling around in my head.
As a present to me, if you do stop by with any regularity or even if this is your first visit, would you leave me a comment so I know who you are? I'd appreciate it really, really, a lot! O.k. so let's throw the grammar out the window for a moment.
Thanks again for stopping by. Hope you'll keep coming back!

Business Opportunity?

My uncle's mother was recently moved to a retirement home near Austin. She is 87 and still in pretty good health, but has fallen twice without being able to get herself up and is needing a walker at this point. She's a sweet lady that I've helped out from time to time. She now has her own apartment in her community center but from what I understand has left quite a bit at her house.
I think my uncle (and aunt) are still concerned for me with regards to my money situation and he proposed a business opportunity to me. Since he lives in Albuquerque and his brother lives in Austin, he asked if I'd be interested in selling some of his mother's things on ebay for a percentage of the profit. I'm not sure what all I'd be dealing with, but I'm sure she has stuff dating back many, many years. But I think it would be a good opportunity to make some extra money. Now I'm trying to figure out what a fair percentage is. From research I've seen that most ebay consignments take in anywhere from 15-35%. I was thinking along the lines of 20-25% plus whatever I spend on shipping. Is this fair? Does anybody else out there sell stuff on ebay? If so, what do you think? Should I pay the listing and selling fees out my profit? Should I take the percentage out after the listing/sell fees? I've only sold one item on ebay before so I'm new to all of this. Any advice?

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Presents! Me like presents!

I came home today to a surprise. One of my yearbooks staff sent me a gift. It was a colorful bag full of all sorts of goodies like snacks, bath items, a stuffed bear, etc. With it was a card signed by the entire staff and the adviser. They wanted to thank me for the help I've been giving them this year. They kind of had a rough year as their original adviser left in the middle of the year. But despite everything they got their book done and delivered on time. It's great to feel really appreciated. This is the second present I've gotten from a staff this year. I guess I did my job really well or something. It's going to be really sad to leave this job.
It was tough visiting schools today and not telling my advisers that I'm leaving. It's not that I have a hard time lying; I am a pretty good actress. I understand where my boss is coming from in not telling them so the competition doesn't use to their advantage. I just hate them not knowing until school starts in the fall. Some are aware that I was looking at other jobs. One in particular will not be happy that I won't be visiting. My boss almost lost the account years ago just before he hired me. This adviser told me once that she likes Jim, but she felt that I provided much better service. She told me that if I leave she may still contact me and get me to help with some pages. I told her I'd be glad to what I can.
I only have a few more days of regular work with this job. I'll have a few visits this summer but for the most part my job will be over in a few days. I'm going to miss it, but I'm starting to look forward to this new opportunity. I found out that I will have to work the speech camp this summer. That will be two weeks. I may not work the entire time so that Josh and I can still play in summer band especially since it is a volunteer situation.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Can't Sleep

I tried to go to be at 10:30, but can't seem to fall asleep. Not sure why really. I don't have anything very pressing on my mind. So I guess I'll tell you about my day.

I went to Mass this morning. My friend that I usually sit with wasn't there, but that was o.k. since I seem to know what's going on now and can participate better. Homily was interesting regarding the Holy Trinity. I found out that two fundamental differences between what Christians (Catholic & Protestant) believe and what the Jehova Witnesses and Mormons believe is in regard to the Trinity.
Came home and started some laundry, did some dishes and continued that throughout the day. I took a bit of a nap this afternoon (probably why I can't sleep now). I chatted with a couple of guys online having some nice conversations. I watched some t.v., surfed the net, did more laundry and dishes. And all of a sudden I felt a little tired and decided to go to bed, but haven't been able to fall asleep yet. Guess I'll try again in a few minutes.
Josh has a follow-up doctor's appointment in the morning, then I have to take him to the theatre so he can go see Star Wars with his ex-girlfriend (that he still likes). There's no school tomorrow so I'll finish cleaning the house as I'll have some company this week. (David's dad is coming to town to see him graduate. Though he's not staying here, I'm sure he'll be stopping by.)
Tues-Thurs I have school visits and then Friday evening is my cousin's graduation. Then it's summer break for me! I think I'll try to put the stuff I want to get done in my calendar and schedule it so I don't put it off too much. For example, I need to plan on re-doing the middle bath probably while Josh is at band camp.
Well, I'm off to try sleep again.

My Plans

Well summer is almost here for me. Only another week of school to go. And then for the most part I'll be done with my job. I'll have a few advisers that I'll work with in the summer and will be doing the yearbook workshop at the end of July. But for the most part, this job is almost over. Now I'm making some plans for this summer. In no particular order here's what I hope to accomplish:

Clean out the garage & have a garage sale. I'd like to be able to park my car in the garage again and have a nice clean area to do my laundry.

Shampoo my carpets. I'm not sure if they have ever been really cleaned so I'm going to try to learn how to use my vacuum cleaner shampoo attachment.

Redo the middle bathroom. It's the one room (besides the garage) that hasn't been repainted. It has old flaking paint and the vinyl floor is curling up. If I can get the money I would like to replace the counter top as well.

Clean out my office of excess yearbook materials. Since I won't need to keep a lot of things I'm going to get stuff ready to give back to my boss, give to advisers, or throw out.

Play in summer band and director's band. I really miss playing and since I'm not taking a big trip nor going to a Jostens meeting, I'll have the opportunity to do some playing. I think Josh will even join me for summer band. That should be fun.

Take a short coaster trip and visit my aunt in Albuquerque. I do have to get a few coasters in this summer so hopefully will run down to Dallas and San Antonio. Will also go visit my aunt Barb at some point.

Finally, I'll need to get my room at school ready (assuming they find one for me) and make plans for the first of the school year.

This summer will be shorter than most for me since I have to start back to school the first of August. But if I plan carefully, I should be able to do all this. O.k. maybe most of it pending finances. Anyone want to come help?

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I guess it's good news

Egad! You're 24% sociopathic!

Good job! You're within the normal range for the typical human being. As far as sociopathy goes, at least. You might still be clinically depressed, schizophrenic, borderline, obsessive-compulsive or have AIDS. I didn't make tests for those, though.
I should mention now that this test is inherently flawed, due to the fact that someone who was a true sociopath or psychopath would not be telling the truth on an online test.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on sociopathy
Link: The Are You A Sociopath? Test written by oolongy on Ok Cupid

Am I an conversation snob?

I've been chatting online for a number of years. I don't have a lot of online friends and very few develop into what I'd call relationship status. (Not dating-type, but friendship type) I've mentioned my chatting rules here before, but it's really getting rediculous. Someone IM's me that seems to have what I'd call a "normal" profile and I return their hello. Then it begins to occur to me that English might not be their first language, though their profile says they're from Wisconsin or Maryland or something. Let me give you a few examples:


i guss i have to relesse u now ok

tell.... were will u be go to this weeked to chash ur fun

did u been out of usa

ok but the pearson dont say nice about himself other who say that . u with me ?

It's getting to the point that I'm leery about chatting with anyone. I've dealt with the guys that think they're in love with me because they like my picture. Then there is the one that wanted me to come to Morocco to visit him after 5 minutes of conversation. Then there's those that think I must be stupid because they ask me for obnoxious favors like would I cash a check for them and send it to them in Africa or can they send me some goods because they need a US shipping address. Let's not forget the perverts shall we?
Normally I'm not a rude person, but to be honest we're not always ourselves online are we? I'm getting upfront with these guys and it usually ends the conversation fairly quickly.

There is the rare conversation where it's interesting or stimulating or just nice and friendly. It does happen once in a while. You know with someone that has at least finished high school and their first language is English. I don't mean to be a snob about chatting, but is it really too much to ask that someone converse somewhat intelligently?

Friday, May 20, 2005

Seems Mostly True

Star Wars Horoscope for Scorpio

You are a powerful character.
You tend to be possessive and lusty - which explains your greedy nature.
You feel threatened when people try to order you around or control you.
You are prone to suspicion and jealousy - but your resilience and passion get you what you want.

Star wars character you are most like: Han Solo

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Making Music

I went to Josh's band concert tonight. It's kind of strange to have been sitting on the other side in the audience for the past few years. You see, I used to be there on the gym floor amidst the 100's of other musicians playing my heart out. How I miss it.
I still have that passion for music. My heart swells and I found myself almost in tears hearing them play. I am so proud of Josh being first chair clarinet. Not only do we share the same instrument but he's gaining the same passion for music that I have. He's now considering majoring in music composition. He writes his own original pieces with some music software on his computer. And he's only going to be a high school freshman next year.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed a music major. I played in band throughout college and I still try to play from time to time. And I love it every time I do. As I'm losing my talent and technique sometimes I have to fake it a bit, but it's fun to just be a part of an ensemble. Even though I didn't make it a career of it, I'm enoying seeing Josh blossom with it.
Like me, he thinks band camp is the coolest. (One time at band camp... my friends and I were told not to do cartwheels in the street, but we did it anyways) He loves classical music. He looks forward to Showcase every year. You never know, he may become the next John Williams and you'll hear his music in major motion pictures. (For those of you that don't recognize John Williams... think music of Star Wars, Back to the Future, Jaws)
In band I developed some wonderful friendships that continue to this day. I met Marty in band. My friend Bret was my first MAJOR crush after meeting him at band camp in 7th grade. I used to stare at him in band. My friend Kirsten and I grew up surrounded by music as her dad is a music professor as was my uncle that I spent a great deal of time with. She is now a music professor herself. My friend Robin and I were co-flag captains our senior year and started out as music majors in college. In college, I met more wonderful people like David, Candi, and my friend John (my Kappa Kappa Psi/Tau Beta Sigma big brother) that I still chat with. It's where I met Josh's dad. I wouldn't have had Josh if it weren't for music.
Next year as Josh goes to high school, his band director is my former junior high boyfriend. It's interesting that Josh doesn't seem to care for him. Says he's a jerk. And yeah, I can see that... but I tell Josh stories about him. It's great fun.
I'm so thankful for what music has given me and now my son. It's something that we can share.

Music expresses that which cannot be said
and on which it is impossible to be silent.
~ Victor Hugo

So what else is new you ask?

O.k., maybe you didn't ask, but let's see...

Went to Josh's school award ceremony on Tuesday. He got an award for band and is in the top ten of his class. I'm very proud. He's very excited about band camp coming soon. Which reminds me, I need to go pay for that.

My dad's girlfriend, Carol Ann, is in the hospital and is having surgery tomorrow. She has an electrical issue with her heart and will be having surgery to correct it.

I'm ready for summer, though it's going to be short. Not certain of my plans, but I hope to at least make a quick trip to Dallas and San Antonio for some coaster rides. I've got to clean out my garage as well.

And that's it. Nothing else to report. But that's not necessarily bad.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The suspense is killing you isn't it?

You're waiting with baited breath wondering what my decision was aren't you? You want to know whether I took the job or passed in hopes of a better opportunity.

Well, after much contemplation, prayers, soul-searching and what-not, I came to a decision finally. I took the job. And I feel relieved now.

I didn't think I stood much of a chance with the technology position and it would not have been prudent to hold out for that possibility.
I had no other job offers on the table. Although I could have held out and probably have gotten "something" in Amarillo or Canyon, I didn't want to risk losing a perfectly good job.

Both my dad and my aunt really nailed it when they both commented (neither planned) that "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." So I'm going to be teaching high school speech next year.

It's a good situation to go in where I have the help I'll need considering I've been out of the teaching loop for six years. The travel isn't too bad. Pay is o.k. and insurance will be really good when it eventually kicks in.

I talked to my boss last night and he said he'd pay me through August so I don't have to worry about going without a paycheck. He's disappointed to lose me, but he completely understands my situation and I know he can't afford to keep me. (Hmmm... that sounds kind of nice.) He also said that he'd hire me back in a heartbeat and also told the adviser that is at the school I'm going to that she should tell them to hire me and I was too good to pass up. That made me feel very good. And I hate leaving this job. I've made some great friends, have been able to learn a great deal, and haven't had to work too terribly hard. I know that in going back to teaching I'm definitely going to earn my paycheck. My boss didn't want me to tell my advisers that I'm leaving so that it doesn't get out to our competition. I have to admit though I've let the cat out of the bag with a few of my advisers. But the rest can wait until the summer workshop.

Speaking of advisers... I went to Sunray today to help them out again and the adviser gave me a card and a present from Bath & Body. It was so very sweet of her. She wanted to thank me for all my help. It really makes leaving this job harder, so perhaps it's a good thing for me to wait to tell my advisers.

And that's it. I'm taking a leap of faith in this decision, but at least I know that God is with me. And I know I'm going to need a lot of His help!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Much to think about

Forgive me if I babble a bit. O.k. so I got the job offer this morning. Have been mulling it around today. I'm thinking, o.k. I'm probably going to have to go back to teaching period so given that, would Hereford be a good place to teach? Well, let's see. From what I've gathered in talking to people that have worked there, they love it. Though the community is generally low soci0-economic, the kids are good and try hard. I wouldn't be going in blind on my own as I would still have the teacher that is there mentoring me for at least another year (or two). And it would be all speech. No English. That's a big plus.
Now, for the other stuff. It's a 30 minute drive there. Salary is on the low side compared to other schools in the area. I don't know about getting a stipend. Insurance would be good, but I'd have a 90 day waiting period until it kicks in. There would be lots of travel to tournaments. But I don't mind that so much. (Especially if a stipend is included as it should be) On the up side, there's almost always a salary increase every year.
So in thinking about all these things I've been leaning towards just taking the job. And when I pulled up in my driveway I decided that if I hadn't heard from any place else, then I'd take it.
Wouldn't you know it... there was a message from AISD regarding the technology position. They wanted to know if I had received an email regarding a pre-interview checklist and if I was still interested in the position. I told them I hadn't received the checklist and to resend it. When I got it, there was a lot of stuff on it that I could not say that I was familiar with at all. It also indicated that there were a lot of applicants for the position. I filled it out and sent it back. But now I'm thinking that I'm probably not qualified enough and they're more likely to hire someone already familiar with AISD programs.
So I'm still at a loss. Have a lot to ponder tonight. I wish I could just flip a coin or have an obvious answer appear out of nowhere.
What to do? What to do?

Got a job offer.

Hereford called today and offered me the job. I told the principal I wanted to find out about salary and benefits before making the decision. He wanted to know by this afternoon and I told him that if I didn't get back to him today it would be in the morning.
Now what?
Salary is lower than other schools in the area, but that is based on last year's schedules. They couldn't tell me if a stipend would be given for speech travel. (It should, but doesn't mean it will) Insurance benefits are good, however, as I can get First Care which has no deductibles and co-pays only. But I'd have a 90 day waiting period because it's the state insurance and I haven't been contributing to TRS.
I know that if I take the job, I'll immediately get calls from other schools for interviews. If I pass on the job, nobody else will ever call me again. It's Murphy's law you know.
So I'm going to pray about it and think long and hard today.
This will be really hard. I hate making decisions. And this is a big one. Half the time I can't make a decision as to what to eat and now I have to make a career decision.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Well Said

I found this on another forum. I think it's pretty accurate. What do you think?

Loneliness, if not understood, can be destructive to human intimacy & love. Loneliness can lead to over-possessiveness in relationships. Our loneliness often leads us to overexert ourselves in relationships. Loneliness can also be destructive of human intimacy and love as it leads us to over-expect in relationships. No relationship, however deep and intimate, can ever fully take our loneliness from us. And, as long as we go through life expecting this, we are doomed to constant disappointment. The issue of intimacy and love, of stripping away the riddle of loneliness, cannot be so easily resolved by people simply going to bed with each other. Meaningful love and intimacy, the type that helps rid us of our loneliness, is a complex, hard-to-do, seldom achieved thing.
Nobody falls into love! Love is always the result of some effort and some sacrifice, of some bleeding and some crying. It is the result of some willingness on a person's part to be hung up on a cross and to die a little. Only three types of persons think that real love is easy; those who are already saints, who through long years of painful practice have made love a habit; manipulators, who have confused their own self-gratification with genuine love; and unrealistic dreamers, who do not know what they are talking about.
The fear of being rejected is so great within us that we would sooner not make ourselves available to love than to present ourselves honestly and openly and risk being rejected. We would sooner live in loneliness than risk getting hurt. How often do we leave it to the other, or to circumstance, to initiate or deepen a relationship we desperately want? Only when we risk enough to let someone hurt us are we risking enough to let someone love us. When we make ourselves available enough to be hurt, we will finally be available enough to be truly loved. We must, despite our fear and shame, and despite the fact that we might be rejected and hurt, reach out.
Love means many things. It means more than sharing a bed or a building, more than being accidentally thrown together by force of circumstance, and more than being bound together by erotic or emotional attraction. It means sharing all things, sorrows and joys, growth and sickness, life and death. It also, it is to remain alive and interesting, means sharing silliness, playing pranks on each other, and keeping each other alert with wit and surprises. If we want real love beyond romantic daydreams, if we want o keep any commitments we have ever made in marriage, parenting, friendship or religious vocation, we can do so only if we are willing to sweat blood and die to ourselves at times. There is no other route. Love costs. Sweating some blood in the garden of commitment and shedding blood in the surrender of intimacy is the price of love, the cost of moving out of alienation.

From the book The Restless Heart by Ronald Rolheiser published by Doubleday

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Dual Church-going

I went to two services today. I attended Mass at 8:30 and then went to the Contemporary service at the Baptist church at 10:50. My cousin David was being recognized as a graduating senior and he wanted me to go.

It was interesting to see two different kinds of services. I wouldn't say completely night and day, but they were very different from each other. If I had to sum it up simply I would say that that the Catholic Church is more about reverance and the Baptist is more about praise. Not that one is better than the other. I feel that both are about worshipping Christ, just in different ways.

Yes, the Mass is more formulated with the prayers and recitations, but the Baptist church is quite formulaic itself. There was sitting and standing, a specific order in which songs were sung, messages preached, and money collected.

I have to say that I still feel much more at home and comfortable in the Catholic Church. Maybe I like the tradition and the solemnity of it. I've never been one to be outgoing and making a show of my faith. It's not that it's a bad thing to do it, but it's just not me. The Baptist service was full of contemporary songs that I couldn't sing because it was posted on a powerpoint, but did not have the music (notes) printed. I guess if you go for a while you know the tunes, but for me, I couldn't sing a lick of any of the songs without being able to read the music. The people were friendly enough, but I still didn't feel right at home there. I'm not chastizing the church, their beliefs or the service, but just feel it isn't right for me. I felt God was present there as He is in all churches. And I know there are truly godly people there. I'm finding though that the Catholic Church just doesn't make such a big show of it. Like I said, it's more about reverance.

Some people complain that there's a lot of sitting, standing, kneeling etc. in the Catholic church, but there's just as much in the Baptist church. At Mass the congregation stands in reverance to the reading of the Gospel of Christ and when the Eucharist becomes the Body and Blood of Christ. In the Baptist service the congregation stood for the singing. I saw those that were raising their hands in praise and were really getting into the emotion of it. I can't say one is any better than the other. But I still feel that there's more truth in the Catholic Church. Though God truly exists in both, I feel that Baptist (and in general Protestant) doctrine is still flawed. It doesn't mean that Baptists are going to hell or that only Catholics can go to Heaven.

I know my friend Bret still has his concerns over my conversion. I tried address some of those in response to an email he sent. I'm sure he still disagrees, but that's o.k. I've also had a few people IM me commenting on my decision. One saying that the Catholic Church supported Hitler and how it's the whore of Babylon etc. But then I've had those that have told me congratulations for doing so and that was coming from people who weren't Catholic themselves. But it really doesn't matter what others think because it's still my decision and I'm doing it because I feel it's right.

I've been doing some studying on the Mass and today I think I've finally gotten the responses down and have learned the Nicene Creed. I'm understanding not only what to say, but why and what is going on. Sure, some Catholics do it by rote, but for me I'm trying to think about the importance of and meaning behind what we're saying. I can't wait to start RCIA classes in the fall.

I've told people that stuff like this would not have been coming out of my mouth a year ago. I've changed quite a bit. And it's a good change. I'm still working on it and still have a ways to go, but at least I'm making progress.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Witty Title Goes Here

I don't know what kind of headline I should write to describe my life at the moment. I hate to say "boring" because if I do, then surely it will become unborning in a bad way. But here's a few updates for what they're worth.

I got the annulment proceedings started on my marriage to Richard. I was finally able to get all the documents needed and I took them to diocese. Now it should be a matter of two priests checking them and signing off saying "yes, this marriage was invalid because he was already married to his first wife and that marriage was never anulled and she is still living." After that is done, I'll be free to marry in the Church. Not that I have a lot of choices out there right now, but I'm starting to look.

I don't know what to do about this dating/relationship kind of stuff. Part of me wants to just move on and find someone. Another part of me thinks I shouldn't be in a hurry and should just wait until someone comes along my way. I like having a boyfriend. Most of the time I enjoy being in a relationship. Granted it sucks when I know something is wrong and I get the song and dance about how it's stress, or the "it's not you, it's me" line or whatever. (sorry Marty)
But overall I like having a special man in my life that I can share things with, cuddle with, get to know, learn from, and just do things together.

The thing is I think I really deserve to be loved better and more fully than I have in the past. I know Marty loved me, but he couldn't/wouldn't fall very deeply. I think it has to do with the fact that he hasn't completely let go of his ex-wife though he'll deny that until he's blue in the face. Perhaps it's because I was the rebound relationship. Maybe it was truly something in me. I guess I'll never know and will probably always wonder. I know Richard loved me very much, but there were too many differences that wouldn't allow us to be happy together. Sometimes love isn't enough.

But I know I have a great capacity to love and to give. It makes me happy to love someone and do things for them, surprise them, let them know how special they are to me. Problem is finding that relationship where my partner doesn't just take without giving anything back, doesn't acknowledge anything I do for them, doesn't withhold affection. The thing I've learned about relationships are that they shouldn't be give and take. They shouldn't be take-take. They should be give-give. 100% on both sides... not a 50-50.

But I'm wondering if all the good men are already taken? Someone that has the romance gene, that can love me for who I am despite my quirks, that appreciates what I have to give, and is able to love and commit. And if there are a few out there, how do you find them? The internet? I'm just not too trusting of that because I don't know how you can really get to know someone online. A lot of people aren't honest about themselves or they're within the freak category. The whole blind date thing gets old. Then there's the distance issue. Maybe there is some great guy out there, but he lives 14 million miles away. I've discovered just how much the LDR thing sucks. I don't think it's impossible, but it's very difficult. Then even if by some miracle I found Mr. Right and he lives 14 million miles away, he'd have to be willing to move here. So let's put another twist on things, shall we? I wouldn't be opposed to moving myself if it were just me, but I have Josh to consider and I want him to stay in school here.

And yes, I'm still getting over Marty. I still think about him from time to time. But I also know that I'm not changing his mind about things. It's simple; he either loves me and and wants to be with me or he doesn't. So I have to move on. And I will.
And then I start to think what if something is wrong with me? What if I'm doing something to sabotage my relationships or drive men away? And if I am, how am I supposed to figure out what it is? And then I think, all I can do is just be me and someone can choose to love me for who I am or not. Because I cannot change who I am. I can compromise as needed, but like Marty says "What you see is what you get."

So I guess I'm keeping my eyes open. I haven't done too well in choosing men for myself so maybe someone can set me up. If you know of any decent, free, preferably Catholic guys out there, send them my way, ok?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Something refreshing

Besides the rum and coke I'm having at the moment.

Had a chat conversation with a guy that was actually decent. This means that the person didn't decide they were in love with me because of my picture. They could speak with proper grammar and didn't sound like English was their second language. He's not into porn and didn't make lewd or suggestive comments. He may be interested in dating someone at some point, but had no plans to rush into anything. It was actually kind of nice to have such a conversation.

You'd think my chatting rules would steer a lot men away, but the weirdos are certainly still out there.

But it was nice simply have a nice, general conversation that didn't leave me rolling my eyes.

Maybe there are decent men out there.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

No News good news?

No job call backs. Don't know if that's good or bad. Having to work almost every day the rest of the month. But that means that summer is almost here.

Heard from Marty briefly yesterday. We IM'd for a few minutes. He seems to be doing well there. And that's all I can really say. It still kind of hurts, but I still know I can't do anything about the situation and just have to deal. It was good to hear from him though.

I don't have much more to say today. Probably going to eat those words too.

Oh! I did get a bonus in my check today. That was nice. Maybe I can use it for a quick rollercoaster trip or something. I am having withdrawals.

And that's all in my part of the world right now.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Sunday Brunch

I haven't done one of these memes in a while so I thought I'd give it a go.


1) What is your birthday, what time were you born, what astrological sign are you, and what city and state were you born in?
Sorry won't answer all of these for security purposes, but will tell you that I was born on Nov. 10 and I'm a Scorpio. I'm the only native Texan in my immediate family.
2) Are there any famous events or famous people that share your special day?
Martin Luther (go figure since I'm becoming Catholic), Mackenzie Phillips (From One Day at a Time), Roy Schieder (Jaws), and Sesame Street aired for the first time on my birthday.
3) What did you do to celebrate your last birthday?
Took my son and his friends to Wendy's then went to the movies and saw Ray.
4) What is your best birthday celebration that you can remember?
Well, most interesting would have to be my 21st birthday as I was giving birth to my son, Josh.
5) What is the best birthday present you have ever received?
My son, Josh.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Happy Mother's Day

I want to wish all of you fellow mothers out there a Happy Mother's Day!

My son sent me a very nice E-Card that I got this morning. I went to Mass and got a carnation there. Came home and decided to let Josh take me to lunch (though I paid). We went to Golden Corral and stuffed ourselves. Came home and had to take a nap. Now it's just a lazy Sunday. Trying to find something good on t.v. Catching up on laundry and dishes now that I finally have hot water again.

Have to figure out my schedule for next week. Got a lot schools getting their books and need to see everyone before school lets out. I can say that I'm ready for summer to be here, though I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself when it does. I guess it will depend on what happens with my job situation. I'm assuming I'll still have the summer off in general. I would like to take a least a small coaster trip at some point. Josh and I won't be able to take our big trip that we usually do, but I'd like to do something.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Why it's good to stay friends with your exes

So I had this issue with my water heater. Dad tells me it's just one of the elements that needs to be replaced. I figure.. how difficult could that be? Well, let me tell you.
First, the water heater has to be drained. No problem. Then you have unscrew the existing element, replace it, fill the water heater back up, turn everything back on and wa-la! Easier said than done.
I got the element today at Lowe's. Called my dad to see when he could come replace it. And he gives me a song and dance about all the important things he has to do today and he might not make it until this evening if not until tomorrow. Given that I want to be able to take a shower in order to go to church tomorrow, this is not feasible for me.
What to do? Guess it's time to call in the ex-boyfriend that always seems to get me out of this kind of bind. My friend Derek. I'll write a post about him some other time. But to keep it short and sweet, we dated for a while back around 94, broke up and have seen each other off and on from time to time. At one point he was a kind of "friend with benefits". But we've remained friends and he helps me from time to time. He installed my garage door opener for me and has helped me in several other ways throughout the years.
He was obliging and offered to come see if he could help. We got the water heater drained, eventually replaced the top element and then found out from dad it was actually the bottom element that needed to be replaced. That's were the real trouble began. Turns out the bottom of the water heater was very calcified. The element was completely surround by the deposits and broke off when he tried to get it out. So after a period of a about two hours of trying to get rid of the calcium deposits and getting the curvy element out we finally got it clear enough to replace the bottom element. (That's making a very long story short)
At one point I thought it was just going to be easier to buy a new water heater. But Derek prevailed saving me about $300. And all he got was a new socket that I bought for him and dinner. He's really a great guy. (No, not great in having a romantic relationship, but he's been a very good friend.)
I've always remained on friendly terms with all of my ex-boyfriensds/husband and it's been a very good thing for me. I don't know what kind of relationship Marty and I will have. I'm assuming we're going to stay friends. But he hasn't contacted me other than a single IM since he's gone to Alaska. Maybe I'll hear from him at some point. I can't really contact him so the ball is in his court. But he still remains special to me. And yes, that's a one-sided thing, but I can't do anything about that. So, my door is always open to him. I hope he'll check in once in a while.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Dinner Party for Two?

Well, I finally heard from my friend Bret. I invited him and his wife to come to dinner tonight. We decided on a late supper because of his family coming into town. So I cleaned my house today. It desperately needed it. I made stromboli, fettucini alfredo, salad and a cake for dessert. Unfortunately Bret had to cancel at the last minute. Sure I'm disappointed, but what can I do? Guess we'll be eating stromboli for the next few days. Anyone hungry?

I had a job interview with Amarillo today. It was for any teaching position that might come open. Turns out there's a speech position open at one of the high schools. I guess if the principal is interested in me, he may call me in to interview. I had to tell the office that I was also interested in the technology specialist position. They said they would move my file for that position and that they would call me if they want to interview me.

I think that the water heater issue may be the simple solution needing only a new heating element. So that's good news.

Had an interesting IM conversation today. Actually had a guy politely ask if I was interested in a "friends with benefits" kind of thing. I told him no thanks, but was impressed that he wasn't as crude as some guys have been on here. Still get a lot of weirdos out there. Do I have a freak magnet installed in me somewhere?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Told you so

It always happens... as soon as I say nothing exciting is going on, life is good, or blah, blah, blah it's inevitable that something happens. One of these days I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. O.k. it's not major, life chaning stuff, but something that's going to cost some money it seems. I think I'm going to have to get a new water heater. The hot water level seems to be dropping rapidly and dad thinks it could be either that it's scaled up (meaning I need a new water heater) or an element is out (cheaper fix). I'm hoping it's the latter, but have a feeling it's the former. And you know what happens when I have a feeling... I'm usually right.
Well, time to go balance the checkbook and see how much is left.

Life Getting Back to Normal?

I'm not sure that I ever know what normal is, and the moment I utter those words I'm certain that something completely un-normal will happen.
But in honesty there's really nothing exciting, different, perplexing or anything of that sort going on in my life. I get up, sometimes go to work, sometimes sleep in and then get up and "think" about cleaning the house.
I have no love interest which completely sucks, but I'm accepting it (sort of).
I haven't heard from Marty save one IM where he thanked me for the postcard I sent him.
My money situation isn't dire at the moment and I even have enough to pay Josh's band camp.
My house is in a somewhat messy state and I'm trying to pump myself up and get it cleaned today.
I haven't heard from my friend Bret from California although I'm assuming he's here in town now.
I still have an interview scheduled for Friday. Haven't heard anything regarding my last interview which makes me think that perhaps they're not that interested in me. (Generally when they are, they call you within a day or two I've discovered.) But then again, I still hadn't decided how interested I was in that job. So I guess it's perhaps mutual disinterest.
I still have to get the final marriage certificate to get my annulment started. Contemplating a trip to Hereford this afternoon.
And that's my life as I know it at the moment. Don't mean to bore you or anything, but I guess nothing exciting is sometimes better than having something exciting, but in a not so good way. Guess I'll take what I've got.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

What If's

O.k. I don't spend a lot of time with the What-if's any more. It's not to say that I don't ever ponder such things, but I'm truly worrying less than I was.
But had to think of one today that reiterates my need to consider going back to teaching. Had to take Josh to the doctor. He was upset last night thinking maybe he had kidney stones due to some pain in his side & back. I didn't really think he was old enough to have them but he had done research on the symptoms & was concerned. What got me was that he asked how our money situation was before he told me and when he did he was very upset by it. I told him that if he had health issues that we'd deal with it regardless of our money situation. I told him I'd take him to the doctor the next day and not to worry about it. I didn't think he really had a kidney stone, but perhaps an infection that might need antibiotics. But I had to think of the what-if it's something actually more serious and tests were needed and how much all of that would cost. No, of course I didn't mention it to Josh, but it's another reason that having health insurance is so crucial right now. We've been very, very lucky and I know I truly have God to thank for that. Doctor didn't think it was kidney stones and Josh is fine, but if I get a job offer soon, I may just have to jump on it.
My car is o.k. too. The engine light that came on yesterday indicated that perhaps there wasn't a good seal around the gas cap so I may just need a new one.
I tried to get the last two documents for my annulment, but once again Richard's bad memory has gotten in the way. (No offense Richard, just stating a point :) ) I was able to get a copy of his divorce decree from his first marriage, but there was no record of his marriage in Potter county. I tried to call him, but he wasn't accepting calls today. (I think he's in training or something) So I called his mother. She told me that they were married in Hereford. So I guess I need to head back there to get a copy of the marriage license. Once I get that I'll be ready to proceed with the annulment.
I sent a response to my friend Bret regarding his concerns about the Catholic Church. Don't know if I explained things well enough, but I still can't find any Catholic teaching that isn't explained to my satisfaction in a variety of sources. I hope to hear from him tomorrow and perhaps make plans to get together at some point. It will be good to see him again.
And that's my exciting life at this point. I feel exhausted today and will go to bed early tonight. I have to be up pre-dawn and head BACK to Sunray. That drive is getting old really fast.

Monday, May 02, 2005

What's up with the weather?

O.k. I'm really getting tired of winter thrusting itself here. I want spring to come and stay.

I headed to my schools this morning and the engine light in my car came on. I hadn't gotten too far so I turned around and headed back home so I could check it out. I figured my oil was low, which it was, but the light hasn't gone off since adding some. But it may need to just sit for a while. If not, I'll take it to my dad to check out. I didn't feel comfortable driving it all over the place today. So I'm home catching up on housework I've neglected for a while.

I'm also working on a response to my friend from California. He sent me another email. Turns out he found my blog and I think some of the things I wrote hit him the wrong way. He apologized to me for his lack of attentiveness over the years. I sent him a short reply back stating that I wasn't upset by that or with him in any way. I understood that as people move away and move on in their lives they can't always stay in touch. I also told him that I knew he would have concerns over my conversion and that we can agree to disagree as friends. He told me some of the problems he has with the Church so I'm working on a longer response to him. This is good for me in that it's making me really understand my reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Tonight I'm going to a mother's/daughter's dinner at the church. I think it will be good to be able to get to meet some of the other people in the church. Going to Mass and then leaving doesn't give me much opportunity.

Well, I better go check the oil in my car again.