Thursday, June 30, 2005
Brian and I are still talking daily. I think we're kind of moving forward in a sense in the fact that after our discussion last week about the distance issue, neither one of us is saying that perhaps we should back off. So we're just going to continue to see each other and see where it leads and jump those creeks of issues when they come up. I think regardless of how things turn out, I've made a wonderful new friend.
I sent Marty an IM last night telling him happy birthday. (it's today) He sent me a quick response explaining why he hasn't been on much lately. It was something about one of the guys up there going through a nasty divorce which makes Marty have to do work more or something to that effect. But I still think that if he was missing me, he'd make the time to talk to me in some way. I'm sure he's found numerous occasions to talk to his ex. And despite the fact that I know this, it still stings with a bit of hurt. But at the same time, I'm still always glad to hear from him. I know I do need to move on because there's no hope there... but just because I know something logically doesn't mean it's easy to do. But I am moving on slowly. I'm still letting him go because I have to.
Brian is coming over tomorrow evening. Not sure what we're going to do, but my dad and his girlfriend are coming over for supper as well. Brian is also going to help me with a few household issues that need to be addressed... in which I'll rant about that shortly.
I got a call from my sister today and I guess she's going to make a quick trip here for the 4th. Of course I won't believe it until she's actually here, but I guess it will be good to see her. I need to get busy on my house.
Ok... my household rant. Sewer line is still having issues I think, but not certain at this point, but it does need to be checked and then the hole needs to be filled. Now my toilet isn't working. And the breaker for the kitchen keeps blowing when I try to run the airconditioner and the microwave at the same time. Back yard desperately needs to be mowed and the house itself is perhaps a few steps short of a pig sty. O.k. maybe not that bad, but I need to get several things done and have no time to do it. Yesterday I gave serious thought to accidentally lighting a match and torching the place.
And now I've got to head to my final summer band concert, though it's not really the last one since I'll be playing in director's band at band camp.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Well, anyways. I made Brian "think" last night. I know, I know. Why did I go and do a stupid thing like that for? Men aren't supposed to think too much because that generally leads to trouble. But I kind of have this hankering for honesty thing going on and felt the need to explain my position on not leaving Canyon. And it gave him pause to think because he has no intentions of leaving Dalhart for five more years.
And why do we bring all this up when we're not even quite a relationship? Well, I guess because I see the potential there. And I figure if he's going to bail, it's best to do it before I get emotionally attached.
I told him last night that I kind of had a bad feeling about it all and I'm probably 80% accurate on bad feelings, but he tried to assure me that he is not intending to bail and that it's early and we'll see how things go.
So now I'm the one thinking.
Let's play the what-if game, shall we? Let's assume for a moment that Brian is "it". He's the one I'm supposed to be with and will live happily ever after. If that's the case, then it will be at least five years before we can really be together. O.k. granted, I was going to wait that long for Marty, but I also figured that we'd be married before then and just deal with distance for a couple of years. And five years is not necessarily forever, but a part of me wants to get a move on. I know to not get married for the sake of getting married... been there, have the t-shirt. But I also want to move on with my life and be secure financially, emotionally, and what-not.
And if Brian isn't the one? I guess I'll figure that out in time. And it's not that it would be a waste to date and then end up being friends. It's just hard to keep having to deal with that. I guess I want the fairy tale and I'm learning that things are never that easy. You can't just meet the right person, fall in love, and live happily ever after I guess. But it happens to some people. Why not me?
And I'm still wondering why he has pursued me. Yeah, sure, I'm pretty irrestible once people get to know me. But he pushed really hard for me in the beginning though I was upfront about my stance on things.
So where does this leave me? Nowhere really. I just had to get it out. I still want to see him. I guess that I am a masochist or something. It's like knowing that cheesecake will make you fat, but you just can't help but eat it. (or is that just me?)
I'm still trying him on to see if he fits. And what if he does? Guess I'll jump that creek when we get to it. I still think he has yet to completely open up with me. I don't know that he's necessarily hiding anything, but I'm still waiting for the other brick to fall. As you know... it's the story of my life.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
My Perfect Man
Will have a job that he enjoys but doesn't let the job come before his relationships
Will not be cheapskate, but not also not necessarily a big spender
Will leave decent tips at restaurants
Is romantic or will at least try to be
Is loyal beyond measure
Is fun to be with
Is financially responsible
Is a good conversationalist and is able to talk about anything
Smart (not necessarily in the "book" sense, but can be smart in other ways...like fixing things)
Can love me for who and what I am and doesn't want to change me.
Has similar values and morals
Is honest (but not necessarily to a fault)
Is emotionally available and not attached to exes
NOT a biker
Can and will take vacations and loves to travel... but won't force me to go camping.
Is not a hyper morning person
Is not obsessive
Is not a big partier
Is unselfish; is giving
Not too quiet, but not an attention hog either
Has similar interests
Practicing Catholic and able to be married in the Church
Someone willing & able to live in Canyon
Someone that finds me interesting and exciting
Is not obsessed or even interested in porn
Is a good kisser
Someone that isn't too busy and doesn't make time for his relationships
Is good looking, but not so much that he knows he is.
Brings out the best in me and makes me smile when I think of him
Bonus if he wears boxer briefs (and looks good in them). **growl**
So am I asking for too much? Maybe. But the thing is that I think Brian has a LOT of these qualities. In many ways he is quite opposite of Richard. He's not so much opposite of Marty, but just different. And the things that I'm not sure about regarding Brian I'll learn about him. And yeah, I still like him. Still talking to him every day. No, we're not exclusive though he would prefer it that way. But I also have no other offers at this point. I told him he'd have to meet the rest of my family before I'd let him be my boyfriend. But I am hopeful about him.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.
I got to thinking... which of my secrets would I send in? Oh, yes, I do have secrets. There are things hidden inside myself that nobody knows or ever will know. I don't post EVERYTHING on here, contrary to the belief of some.
My son said last night that I couldn't keep a secret. Well, maybe that's true to some degree... but also not true at all. Do you have secrets? Would you even send it in to be posted like this?
Friday, June 24, 2005
So, yes, I still like Brian very much. Things are going very well and he may get under my skin yet. He's off to a good start. He still hasn't quite grasped my stubborness... well, for some reason, he thinks that will change... yeah, right. But I have given him complete and fair warnings so we'll see what happens. I guess if he thinks I'm worth it, he'll learn to deal with it. So far he seems to think that I am. Maybe he's a keeper.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
So I'm discovering that Brian seems to be a pretty great guy. He has actually kept his word to me. I think he's the first man in a very long time that has made a promise AND followed through on it. And this was a pretty big thing to do for me. He also wouldn't let me pay for the materials he bought for it. He has been very in tune with me and picks up on my moods and remembers little details about what I like and don't like. I'm not certain of his romantic skills yet but am hopeful about him. We talk every day in some respect - either on the phone or online. Except I may not be talking to him today because we have a little bet going. For some reason he hasn't quite grasped my stubborn streak. Last night he seemed to think that I would definitely call him today and I told him not to assume anything about me. Then he got so bold as to say I couldn't go a day without talking to him. He doesn't realize that a single day is nothing to me after dating Marty. So the bet is that I will not call him for 24 hours (he thinks I will or he can get me to call him). If I win, I get a back rub. If he wins, he gets one. I'm going to win. I don't take bets unless I'm at least 99% certain of winning. He is welcome to call me, but I won't be calling him. (So there!)
I know I haven't posted in a while because of speech camp going on. I've been gone from 8:45 in the morning until about 9:00 at night. It hasn't left much time for much else and when you throw talking to Brian for a couple of hours at night I can't get a lot done including blogging. But there is a lot of down time at camp.. just not time for me to do anything I need to do. (like stuff at home) I did write a letter to Prison Pete and put it in the mail today. I've gotten all my eBay stuff shipped that has been paid for. I listed another item and hope to do more this weekend. I need to go pick up the new Janet Evanovich book that was released on Tuesday. I meant to get it while I was in town today and just forgot.
So things with Brian are going well. I'm liking him more and more, but still taking it slow. And once again the guy is falling faster than I am. I guess I can't help the fact that I'm so dang irresistible can I?
Sunday, June 19, 2005
It really kind of hit me yesterday. I was driving back from Dalhart after seeing Brian. I know I shouldn’t have been listening to the CD I had made for Marty, but I was. I’m still not certain about things with Brian and it’s much too early to really put too much thought into a relationship (more about that later), but I’ve been thinking about whether or not I’m really still ready to move on.
A part of me certainly is. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having that special someone that is there for me. I miss holding hands and kissing. I miss going out. But one problem is that I also still miss Marty and it’s hard. I wonder if I’m even a passing thought to him. I wonder if he ever really loved me. I know I have to move on. Logically I know this. But what do you tell you heart? How do you stop loving someone that originally stole your heart? And how can I possibly keep loving someone that broke it? Do I need more time? Should I put dating on hold until my heart completely heals? Will dating help heal my heart? So many questions and no right answers. If Marty had wanted to stick it out with me, I would have waited for him. It would have been a difficult year, but I thought he was worth it. I guess maybe I was mistaken.
And it hurts that it seems that Marty has gotten over me. Which makes me think that perhaps he really wasn’t that in to our relationship. Of course this is all speculation on my part and I’m sure I’ll never know what’s going on in his head. But why did I fall so deeply when at first I didn’t even want to? Was it desperation? I don’t have the answers and my past shouldn’t really dictate my future, but it does have an effect. The only thing I know is that I need to take my time with things and yet I’m falling back into old habits and it scares me.
Brian really likes me. I’m not sure how I feel about him yet. I know that at this point I don’t have to know, but at what point do you start looking at someone you’re going out on dates with as relationship material? Should you consider that from the beginning? Or should you try a few people on and see who fits? What if there aren’t any others to try on?
I told Brian the other day that if I had known him in high school, I would never have dated him. He would not have been my type at all. And now I wonder what exactly is MY type. And then my friend Pam nailed it by saying, “Maybe we’re not supposed to have a ‘type’.”
Brian has a lot of good qualities that are attractive to me. But at the same time I’m not sure I really know him yet. I know it’s early in the dating process and it takes time before two people show their true colors. A part of me wishes that Brian would try to date just more than me. I don’t want to be his rebound relationship. But does everybody have to go through them? Was Marty mine and I his? Is that why things didn't work out between us?
So, I went to see Brian on Friday. I helped clean up some stuff off of his computer. I met his girls, but didn’t get a chance to really get to know them as they all had plans that evening. We hung out at his house for a while having some margaritas. We kissed some. He introduced me to his dad and step-mother and then he took me out to dinner. Afterwards we hung out some more and then went to play pool. He tried to teach me some (amidst kicking my ass) and maybe a little of it sunk in. We got back to his house around midnight and it was obviously too late for me to head home. So I stayed the night. And before you get too judgmental, we didn’t have sex. Now, I didn’t say that we didn’t fool around some and yes, I’m feeling guilty about that. But we do talk about all of this and he knows my feelings about things. As far as the fooling around goes, I was pushing the buttons so I’m just as guilty about it all. I am finding it is hard to break some old habits. But I really don’t want another relationship that evolves around sex. I want to get to know someone and become friends. But I guess if Brian is worth it, then he’ll understand about all of this and be o.k. with it.
I’m nervous about him falling for me. I’m not in the same place he is and I don’t know if I ever will be. I went through this with Patrick and it was difficult. I hated hurting him, but I know he’s the better for it as he soon found Tiffany.
I don’t know if all this is because I haven’t totally gotten over Marty or if something is still off with Brian. I don’t know the answers. What I do know is that I still enjoy being with him and talking to him. And I want to get to know him. I don’t want to shut any doors, but I do need to be honest with him.
I’m not sure what love is any more. Maybe I’ll figure it out one of these days. But in the meantime, I guess I just need to take it one step at a time and stop analyzing so dang much.
I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
~Amy Lowell, "The Letter"
Friday, June 17, 2005
Summer band has been going great and I am so happy to be playing again. It's also great to be able to share it with Josh.
After speech camp is over, I'll have about a week off and will probably head to Albuquerque for a few days. Then band camp will start and I'll be playing in director's band. That will be great! It will be good to see some old friends from college.
I haven't started on the garage yet. I've been filling up my time with either ebay stuff or talking to Brian. We pretty much talk every day in some respect. It's been rather nice. I'm glad I took the chance in meeting him. I have a school visit this afternoon and them I'm heading up to Dalhart today. Going to help him with his computer and meet his girls. I'm looking forward to it.
The ebay stuff has been pretty successful. I'm still waiting for payment on three items. I still have several things to list as well. But I think I'm really learning how to do all of this properly.
The annual white trash trailer party is this weekend. It is something a friend of mine hosts every year. I'm going to go with my friend Pam.
But it seems that school just got out and my summer vacation is pretty much over. Oh well.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I'm going to try and get it printed at some point. I'm going to reread it and see what I can gather from my writings. I do know that blogging for me has been very therapeutic. I also know that I have gained some wonderful friends and some great regular readers of which I am very thankful.
Going to keep this short for now. Have to give Brian a call. Yeah... we're talking a lot. So far, so good. Will keep ya'll posted.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
O.k. I know that sounds a bit strange... but lemme esplain.
Brian informed me through many conversations that he is a bit of a handy man. He offered to help me with some things around my house that my dad never seems to be able to get to. I told him that he was my new best friend. I told him of my sewage issues and how it would be difficult to deal with and that I had a swamp in my back yard. I don't think he quite believed my description at first. But he offfered to bring his tools and try to unplug it. So this was sort of our second date.
He came over but quickly discovered that it was more complex than it was. (Yeah, I told him so.) He did a lot of digging. I even helped move bricks out of the way. (sewer runs beneath an old brick patio) At one point he thought that we'd have to dig the entire line up but in the end he finally figured it was just one section that may need to be replaced so the boys (Josh, David and anyone else that wants to help) will be working on that this week.
So what does all this mean? I was very impressed by Brian offering to do all this. I don't think a man has ever worked this hard for me. Sure, I've had other boyfriends and a husband that sometimes did stuff. But Brian is one that seems to immediately follow through with things. I'm not sure how to take it all. The problem isn't solved, but he did fix it where it won't continue to flow into the yard and I know he'll follow through on completing the project. He just may be a good guy to keep around.
Well, after he got to a stopping point. He took a shower and I worked on supper. I made cashew chicken and rice. We had margaritas. (He even brought the tequila and mix stuff with him) Had cheesecake for dessert. Then we snuggled on the couch and watched t.v. How I have missed snuggling. It was very nice. We did a
Is it Brian? I don't know. He's very nice. Obviously there's some physical chemistry there or we wouldn't have snuggled and kissed. But there has to be that emotional connection as well. And that is something that will take time - if it ever develops. And I know he's falling for me and I'll be the one putting on the brakes. It seems that most men have tended to fall faster for me than I have for them. But I'm not jumping into to something again. I can't. I have to be careful with my heart. It's not that I think he'd hurt me. It's not that. It's once again the fact that I want to make sure I'm making the right choice. That's why I won't limit myself to him right now. Granted, I have no other romantic interests at the moment. And if others come along I know it will bother him if I see them. But I'm not certain of him yet. I keep telling him that I might scare him away, but he's not fudging one bit. I told him that I can be difficult, moody, and all of that. But he's remaining pretty steadfast.
But it is all just one step at a time. No rushing for me. As much as I'd like to be settled down and married (happily this time) again, I know better than to simply settle for the first guy that comes along. Doesn't mean that if I choose for it to be Brian, it's settling. I'm just going to try to be wise and look at entire picture before deciding on anyone. Consider it a lesson learned.
Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
1. How did you meet Justin, how long have you been dating and are there any plans to get married? (Yes, I cheated with 3 questions in one)
2. You were on an exercise/weight loss kick a while back. How's that going? What's the secret to your success?
3. What do you love and hate the most about living in the DFW area?
4. If you could become famous for doing something that you don't currently do, what would it be?
5. If you could physically transport yoruself to any place in the world at this moment, where would you go?
Monday, June 13, 2005
I do chat with all sorts of people and somehow ended up talking to a husband and wife randomly. (At least I think for now it was random) Well somehow I guess because of reading my blog they became aware of the guy I was talking to and planning on going out with. All of a sudden I'm getting warnings about him because a friend of theirs had also been talking to him. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice to say I grew a little concerned that he wasn't quite what I thought and was even more concerned about my judgment because I heavily rely on my instincts. Well, after getting the information about him I sent him a copy of it and asked him about it. I wasn't sure what to think but in the end after talking to him and his daughter I decided to go ahead and meet him for dinner.
We met at Outback. He brought me roses. (a good sign) We had a nice dinner. I went out on a limb from ordering my usual and had a steak. It was delicious. Conversation was good and friendly. After dinner we went to play putt-putt. In the first 18 holes he proceeded to kick my butt royally... but after that, I got my groove on and he was distracted in telling stories so I ended up beating him by one point. (Yay, me) Then we were going to go play pool but it was closed down so we went to Applebees for a drink and more conversation. We stayed there for 2 hours. After that, he took me back to my car. He showed me photos of his girls. He gave a hug before he left. And that was it. He called me at midnight to make sure I had gotten home o.k.
He was a perfect gentleman that opened doors for me and never made any inappropriate comments, gestures or anything like that. So I still think my instincts are in check and I was right. I also know that if he isn't what he says he is, then I'll find that out on my own in time. I don't think one can get a true picture of a person from online and phone conversations. It takes seeing people in person in different elements to see what they're really like. So I'm sure we'll be going out again. I know he definitely likes me. Of course I'm slow on the whole falling for people thing so it will take time for me if I do fall.
I do have some concerns, but I wouldn't be me without my concerns. He's not really playing the field much... well, not at all as far as I can tell. He's only been divorced since January and I wonder if he should do some more dating before focusing on one person. The fact that he lives in Dalhart is still a concern. And there's a couple of other things but overall it's nothing that would keep me from going out again.
It's both strange and nice to be going out again. Although I don't have a lot of offers coming in, I'll keep my options open and see where my heart leads me this time. Again, I'm still not so sure I trust it, but have to take chances, right?
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Here are Susan's Answers from her interview of me.
First, so everyone knows: The Rules
Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
So here goes:
1. You obviously have a really smart, talented, well adjusted kid. If you knew that you could get the *exact same kid* if he came about during a different time in your life, would you change your history?
Absolutely not. I think everything happens at the right time for the right reasons. Although it was difficult having Josh in the midst of college and raise him as a single parent, it was because of him that I was able to finish college because I started receiving grants and scholarships. So, no I wouldn't change a thing.
2. I've looked at your incredible Marvin the Martian collection on your personal site. How long have you been collecting, and what first sparked your interest in this particular alien?
I have been collecting since 1994. It started with a shopping trip to Lubbock thinking, "you know I don't really collect anything, maybe I should." On that trip I bought my first Marvin watch and it snowballed from there. Once I got involved in riding coasters, I started getting all sorts of things at the park and ebay has helped with the collection as well. I don't know why I picked Marvin exactly, but I like him. I think he's cute and simply misunderstood. Kind of like me.
3. When do you feel the most beautiful/together/elegant?
When I take the time to really dress up and am not rushing to put myself together like most mornings. Probably when I wear a fancy dress at the big company events that I used to go to. I love to wear formal dresses, but rarely find the occasion to do so.
4. What first sparked your interest, and what ultimately inspired you to convert to catholocism?
Short answer is because of Marty and his family. It started as simply talking about his Catholic background and I just got to thinking I wanted to learn more about it and then it just kind of took off. If you want the actual full story, you can click on my conversion story link.
5. If you won an all inclusive vacation to any place in the world, with the stipulation that you could only take one average size suitcase, that you had to stay for at least 6 months, that you wouldn't be able to communicate to anyone in English, would you make the trip, and where would you go?
Probably not. Although I'd like to think of myself as adventurous, I don't think there's any place I'd want to go for that long of a time period and not being able to communicate in English would make it difficult. And I'd miss my family and all of that. But then again when I think about going back to the Caribbean and lying by the pool day after day etc... well, no I think I would even get tired of it after six months. So I guess I'd have to pass up on the offer.
Enjoy. Interview me when you're through!!
Friday, June 10, 2005
I'm really kind of looking forward to this date. The more I talk to this guy the more I'm liking him. He just seems so genuinely nice. I haven't had any red flags about him yet and the more I get to know him, the more he seems like he has most of the qualities I'm looking for. I know that the perfect man doesn't exist, but I can stay hopeful that I find someone kind of close, right? So far the only big down side is the fact that he lives in Dalhart. But I guess I'll wait and see how the first date goes before that becomes an issue. So you want to know more about him?
His name is Brian. He is 42 and works for the railroad. He's been divorced since January. He has twin daughters that are 18 and another daughter that is 13 and they live with him. He has been nothing but a gentleman when chatting online or talking on the phone. We've had numerous conversations that tend to last for hours.
So I'm looking forward to tomorrow and stay tuned for another post.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Summer band is going great and I'm really enjoying playing again. It's also great to be doing this with Josh. I think he's going to get a lot out of it by participating. Not only is it helping his (our) endurance, I think it will help him with his sight-reading at band camp. Tomorrow is our first (informal) concert. If you live in the area and want to drop by, concert is at 1:00 in the band hall. Email me if you're interested in coming.
I have a date planned for this week on either Thursday or Friday depending on when my date gets back to town. (He works for the railroad) Here we go again with the dating process. I'm not sure I'm looking forward to dating in general again. This time it seems different. Last time I was really ready. I think I had something to prove to myself. Maybe I'm not so ready now. Then again maybe I am. I haven't stopped loving Marty, and I know I always will in some way. But I know I have to move on and there's no point in waiting for him. But this guy I'm going out with seems nice. Maybe too nice. Maybe it's true that nice guys finish last. Can a guy simply be too nice? I guess we all want a guy that's a little rough around the edges. But it really is kind of refreshing talking to a guy that doesn't keep commenting on my pictures and talking with lots of sexual innuendos. In fact this guy has never even said anything remotely sexual. So far the plan is to go to Outback (yum!) and the possibly go play putt-putt, then maybe an evening cocktail. The down side of this potential date is that he lives in Dalhart. Which isn't exactly far when you compare it to Connecticut, but 90 something miles away is still an issue... that is if we hit it off. So I guess we'll see how things go. I'll be sure to report back after my date.
And that's all in my world for now. Am going to enjoy my break from ebay tonight. (But good news is that a few people are keeping watch over several of my items and I have one bid so far.)
Monday, June 06, 2005
Since I read another blog that did this and he tagged all his readers, I guess I have to answer too.
1) Total number of books I own –A little over 300
2) The last book I bought – Father Joe by Tony Hendra (I haven't read it yet, but it looked interesting in the book store.)
3) The last book I read was – that I finished... I reread the first Harry Potter. I have several books that are "in progress".
4) Five books that mean a lot to me –
- To Kill a Mockingbird is my all-time favorite novel.
- The Five People You Meet in Heaven - really moved me when I read it and I'm going to read it again.
- Harry Potter series, Sue Grafton series & Janet Evanovich series - o.k. I'm cheating a bit, but I can't just pick one of any of these. I love reading series as it gives me something to look forward to each year and these are books that are simply entertaining to me.
- The Bible - though I haven't read it or studied it in a long while I'm looking forward to studying it more in depth especially with the books in the Catholic Bible that I never knew existed.
- Catholicism for Dummies - it's the book that I learned the most from regarding general information about the faith. Several books that followed taught me even more, but I got a good basic understanding from this book.
This is a picture of mammatus clouds (my son had to tell me that and spell it for me) taken a few weeks ago when storms came through the area. These clouds are indicators of tornadic weather. Luckily there wasn't a tornado close by. The one that developed was near Claude I think.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
You entered: 11/10/1969
You were born on a Monday under the astrological sign Scorpio.
Your Life path number is 1.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2440535.5.
The golden number for 1969 is 13.
The epact number for 1969 is 11.
The year 1969 was not a leap year.
As of 6/5/2005 8:27:53 PM CDT
You are 35 years old.
You are 427 months old.
You are 1,856 weeks old.
You are 12,991 days old.
You are 311,804 hours old.
You are 18,708,267 minutes old.
You are 1,122,496,073 seconds old.
There are 158 days till your next birthdayon which your cake will have 36 candles on it.
Those 36 candles produce 36 BTU's,or 9,072 calories of heat (that's only 9.0720 food Calories!) . You can boil 4.11 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birth tree is Walnut Tree, the Passion
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.
There are 203 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were born was new.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
So if you're interested... the website is www.jifner.com
Friday, June 03, 2005
And now I'm tired, but I'm going to wait and go to bed at a normal time tonight.
Josh and I played in summer band on Wed & Thurs last week. We're both having endurance issues. We're not used to playing so much in a short period of time. Basically what summer band entails is sight-reading music on M-W and then and informal concert on Thursday. It's kind of cool to get to play through a bunch of music and I think it will be really great for Josh. He's doing very well for his age.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
So I'm putting myself out there for dating purposes. Part of me wonders if I'm truly ready and the other part is missing companionship. And I've talked to a few people. I have a potential date for next week. This guy as well as a few others are really kind of "in" to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just bothers me that someone can think that from chat conversations. And the more that a guy is "in" to me and wants to go out with me the more I pull back. I'll start to hem-haw around and give a lot of maybes. I know I'm not trusting and I still have baggage to deal with.
I've had many chat conversations with a variety of people and you know what? The ones that intrigue me the most are those that are a little stand-offish (not always available), yet interesting to talk to and don't get all caught up in saying how beautiful I am or how sexy I am or how they can't wait to meet me. I guess I like a little aloofness. At first. Staying that way after getting to know one another in person is not desirable.
It's not that I don't think I'm great or sexy or pretty or a good catch. I do think I'm all of those things. I'm just not sure that someone online can know that until they meet me and get to know me. I have my imperfections and I try to be upfront about them. I was with Marty. He said he could handle it. I'm wondering if maybe he really couldn't it.
But I am cautious. I'm not going to give my number out to someone in a single conversation nor make plans to meet them until I've talked to them a while. I am not desperate for love and I want to make sure I do it right this time. I guess that’s why I am so stand-offish.
Am I afraid of getting my heart broken again? You betcha. But is that keeping me from looking and hoping? Not at all. Am I afraid to trust men in general? Maybe. Or perhaps it is myself that I don’t trust. Let’s face it; I haven’t made many good decisions regarding men. It’s not that they were all bad, horrible, evil men but they were wrong for me. (Though I still question whether Marty was truly wrong, because I loved him like no other man thus far.)
So where does this leave me? I guess I just am what I am and if keeping someone at arm’s length for a while creates problems for them, then perhaps it’s not meant to be. The quickest way to send me running in the opposite direction is to put pressure on me. I’ll shut down or just back away. Just ask my ex-husband. You see that’s how Marty got in under my radar. He never put any kind of pressure on a relationship. He simply enjoyed being with me and talking to me. He was there when I needed him, but he didn’t smother me. I could talk to him about anything. I even told him about the other guys I was going out with. I found out later that it bothered him, but he never said anything. And all of a sudden it hit me. I let my guard down and fell. And when I fall, it’s fast and hard. So it can happen, but it does take time.