Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Change is good, right?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Go figure. I had a conversation today via IM (he did meet my criteria for chatting) and it got to a point where the guy was obviously looking for some kind of relationship and indicated that he expected sex to be a part of it. I made a point to let him know that because I’m converting to Catholicism that is not something I’m willing to partake in until I’m married. It quickly diminished the conversation, which is fine, but I’m wondering is this something I can actually hold to?
Sex has always been something that has been fascinating, scary, and exciting. It’s something I’ve had a lot of interest in and guilt over. I thought that getting married would ease some of my trepidations about it because there wouldn’t be guilt. (Thinking it’s more o.k. when you’re actually married) But sex in my marriage just created more issues. I wasn’t open enough, or I wouldn’t do this or that among other concerns. And now I’m taking a different mind-set. I really want to wait until I remarry. Of course, I’ve said those words before and they never lasted long. But I want sex to not just be sex. I want it to be something beautiful and powerful and full of love. Too many times has sex been confused with love and having a relationship. Having sex does not mean that two people are necessarily building a relationship. I’m hoping that if two people can fall in love before going down that road, then a relationship is already stronger because of that. Sex just confuses things.
And this is coming from the girl that went on sowing her wild oats after separating from her husband. It’s not that I live in regret over those things. I do feel bad about things in my past, but I don’t dwell on it. I’m learning from my mistakes and simply moving on.
Of course saying all this now is simple. I’m not in a situation where I’m being tempted. But I’m also really just not in the mood. It’s not something that I’m concerned about and am praying that I make better decisions about in the future.
I’m figuring out what I want and need. One of the reasons I’m not ready to jump in to the dating pool is because I don’t want to spend a lot of time kissing frogs again. It’s going to be harder to find someone that can become the love of my life again. I would prefer to find someone that is Catholic and free to marry in the Church. But that may be difficult. It’s not to say I wouldn’t consider dating a non-Catholic, but I would expect that someone would have to share my new values and morals, which may be impossible in today’s world. But those are two things that shouldn’t be compromised in a relationship. That’s one reason why things didn’t work in my marriage. Though we shared many similar ideas, there were some major issues that we could never agree on and they in turn created a lot more problems. So after all my relationship, sex, and dating experiences, I hope I’m finally on the right path. Actually I’m really ready to leave it in God’s hands at this point. I haven’t done too well on my own it seems.

1 comment:

Patrick Goodman said...

*hugs* You'll figure it out, I'm sure. I believe in you, if it helps.