Saturday, February 12, 2005

It's not my imagination

I've been posting several blogs about Marty and my frustrations. I wanted to post something a little more positive. I'm going to share with you snippits of conversations and lines that he has said to me while chatting. These are things that made me feel good. I guess it will be "The good ol' days". Most of these are his words (in quotation marks). Anything from me is in pink.

"I would think you look good no matter what"

"hey beautiful what's up"

"just seeing you will help"

annabel_lee_tx (10:26:28 PM): so anything special you want to do while you're here this time?
"spend time with you
that is special to me
anything you want to do"

"just looking at you
it's got me all excited"

"no jerk should treat you that way"

"no but I'm willing to give you a tounge bath"

"you can push my buttons anytime"

"did I tell you I hate this distance thing"

"well, you should know that Shawn says she thinks this is the happiest she has seen me in years"

"yes, but I'm willing to try if you are"

"I'm having trouble seeing the screen "
annabel_lee_tx (7:22:55 PM): why is that?
mullog (7:23:14 PM): "that is the first poem anybody has ever written for me"
mullog (7:23:30 PM): "they seem to be leaking"
annabel_lee_tx (7:23:51 PM): awwwww..... I didn't think it would have that effect
mullog (7:24:16 PM): "I had a rough day and that is just what I need"

"I really want to be back there
hugging your shirt just isn't the same without you in it"

"we have to stop thinking about that and starting thinking about the next time we can be together"

"even as bad as my day a work was everytime I thought of you I smiled"

annabel_lee_tx (9:28:56 PM):what did you think of my journals
mullog (9:30:46 PM): "they are great it's like being able to read your mind in a way"
mullog (9:31:43 PM): "and I like what I'm reading"
mullog (9:33:44 PM): "listen to the heart the heart is good"

“well when I find something I want as bad as I want you I put my whole heart into it”

"run away with me and live happily ever after in the woods"

"Did I tell you that I haven't been this happy since Sarah was born."

"I have been waithing for you for a long time and I didn'g know it until Feb. when I was there
I was willing to wait and see what happened, I'm glad it happened sooner then later"

"I'd much rather talk to you"

"we'll just work on these things one at a time and then we can be together"

"you can come up here and snuggle"

"I know but it just make our time together that much sweeter"

"I want to show you off"

"just being with you would be enough"

"it gives me a warm feeling all over to know tha you are reading my mind"

"good morning beautiful"

"you just need to find the right person and it will last
only if it's with me"

annabel_lee_tx (9:28:56 PM):I believe it when you call me beautiful
mullog (10:55:20 PM): you should, you are very beautiful
annabel_lee_tx (10:55:40 PM): thank you
mullog (10:56:00 PM): no thank you
mullog (10:56:25 PM): for wanting to be with a goof like me

"you are the last thought before I go to sleep and the first thing in the morning"

"I'm gonna have to marry you to get rid of all of these guys
annabel_lee_tx (9:37:01 PM): lol, think that will help?
mullog (9:37:37 PM): no but I'm willing to try
annabel_lee_tx (9:37:52 PM): is that the only reason you want to marry me?
mullog (9:38:38 PM): no you are the only reason"

"I'm very happy
and wish I was there"

"yes, if you want me
Yes I do, now and forever if you'll let me"

"you are the best girlfriend"

"yes and no I'm not very good at the romance stuff, it's something I want to fix about myself. More now that I'm with you, than ever before"

"I told you I don't need space I need you"

"I'm not letting you go anytime soon
or ever if I have my way"

"I know I don't want to share you with anyone"

"have I told you you have beautiful eyes
I think you might be the reason that I really like women with dark hair and light colored eyes"

"and I sleep better when i'm next to you"

"I have to get out of the Coast Guard and start the Jennifer Guard"

"of course I'm smiling I have you"

"ok as long as you are there I'll go anywhere, I miss you ,and I love you"

"you can have your mind in the gutter as long as you are thinking of me"

"just keep loving me and you can't fuck it up"

"becuse you are the most important thing in my life"

"love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you"

annabel_lee_tx (9:32:43 PM): I'm serious though... I can be a hard person to love
mullog (9:32:57 PM): that's ok
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:01 PM): I may not be worth the effort
mullog (9:33:08 PM): I think I can handle it
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:22 PM): can I quote you on that later?
mullog (9:33:30 PM): yes
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:52 PM): you may eat those words
mullog (9:34:55 PM): words are less fattening then pizza

mullog (9:36:53 PM): it's no fun to go to bed without you
mullog (9:36:58 PM): wish you were here
annabel_lee_tx (9:37:38 PM): I wish I were there too
annabel_lee_tx (9:38:48 PM): are you having problems sleeping because I'm not there?
mullog (9:39:04 PM): yes, I think so
mullog (9:39:09 PM): I miss you that much

mullog (10:06:00 PM): well I was just thinking about you
mullog (10:06:07 PM): and how much I love you

"I'm in this for the long haul too, I love you and am willing to meet you halfway"

The thing is that all of these kinds of things stopped at the end of September. Perhaps it's been the stress of going to Alaska or something. All I know is that things aren't the same. I know that relationships change, but I think that it's something more. I tend to blame myself when things go wrong, but I think it's more than just me. But something is definitely wrong. And it makes me sad.
I wasn't ready to fall in love again. I tried to fight it. But it happened. I couldn't help it. And so I fell. And I fell hard. Why does it have to be so complex and hurt so much? Isn't being in love supposed to make you happy? I want the old Marty back. The one that said things like he used to. The one that loved me with all his heart. The one that said I was the most important thing to him. I just know that I'm not up there any more and it hurts. Why DO fools fall in love? Am I fooling myself?


Susanlee said...

We're all fooling ourselves honey. The worst thing is when, for the first time, they answer the phone without saying "hi beautiful."
I finally found the right guy, the perfect guy, but I still miss the "hi beautiful" from the bad one. *sigh*
I hope it's just stress and that it all works out for you. If not, let me know, I'll bring lowfat ice cream.

Summer said...

How long were you and Marty together prior to September? Did his behavior abruptly change? I've been thinking that something was amiss lately with him.